API Blog – Page 21

At our cultural tipping point?

By Lysa Parker, cofounder of Attachment Parenting International and coauthor of Attached at the Heart

The magnitude of what we, as an organization, are trying to accomplish in this world is at times so overwhelming and seemingly impossible — but then I remind myself that if Attachment Parenting International (API) doesn’t do the work, then who will?

If we don’t advocate for families and speak loudly and persistently, who will?

The reality is that we cannot do it alone.

I am always inspired when I meet other professionals who take to heart the message of secure attachment and who are implementing and advocating it in their own way within their communities. They alone don’t have a voice strong enough to ensure stable funding or change public policies, but they are making a difference.

On a visit to Sacramento, California (USA), I had the privilege of visiting two Crisis Nurseries. I was so impressed by the love and dedication of the staff for the children they care for and their conscious efforts to make their location as home-like as possible. Most of the families served are low- or one-income families that have few resources or family members to help them out. So if parents need a safe place for their children to stay — whether to see to the doctor or while escaping a domestic violence situation — the Crisis Nurseries are a safe place for them to go. The children that I observed were held, rocked, comforted and loved by their caregivers, and infants were carried in a soft carrier. In addition, the parents can attend weekly classes where they learn to become more attuned to their child’s needs.

The families served know they have an “extended family” or “tribe” who will be available to them both day and night if needed. While it might not be the ideal of a secure attachment-promoting situation for the children, it does provide an immensely valuable service to parents in helping them develop their parenting skills and reducing their day-to-day stressors.

Unique programs, like the Crisis Nurseries, help bolster families when they have no one else to turn to and are an invaluable resource to their communities. Programs like this only support API’s efforts to spread the message about the critical importance of secure attachment.

I think what impressed me the most was knowing that there are many quiet, unsung heroes like those at the Crisis Nurseries — working everyday out in their communities, doing the best they can to support and strengthen families.

Those of you practicing Attachment Parenting (AP) in your homes are also a part of the unsung heroes who are working on making a difference in your own families and in the world. We hear from so many of you who are AP parents and professionals, that you’re sharing API’s mission to friends and fellow colleagues or how you incorporate it into your work.

Each one of us is doing our part, and I truly believe that soon we will reach the “tipping point” in our culture where AP is just the way you raise children. People are ready: They are seeking solutions to the epidemic of violence and abuse in our culture and around the world.

We must begin simply by seeking support for ourselves and providing support to families in need. At the heart of this peaceful style of parenting grows a profound love, a deep sense of connection and compassion that is felt toward each other and our fellow human beings.

That’s the beginnings of world peace.

12 alternatives to spanking and timeout

By Ariadne Brill, Positive Parenting Connection

Editor’s note: This post, which was referenced during the 2014 API Conference, was originally published as part of the 2013 AP Month. It carries an always-timely message for parents seeking alternatives to spanking, time-out and other punishment-based discipline techniques.

Coverage of the conference continues all October during the 2014 AP Month, during which we also welcome your submissions to the 2014 AP Month Blogging event.

If you have read about the benefits of skipping spanking and time-out in favor of other ways to guide children but are not sure where to start, here are 12 alternatives that give parents and children a chance to address choices and situations with the intention to offer guidance while maintaining a positive, respectful and peaceful connection.

These alternatives are mostly geared toward children ages 1-6 but work well beyond that, too:

Take a break together — The key is to do this together and before things get out of hand. So if your child is having a difficult time or making unsafe choices like hitting a playmate, find a quiet space to take a break together. Just five minutes of connection, listening to what your child is feeling and talking about more appropriate choices really helps. This is similar to a time-in.
Give a second chance — Ever made a mistake and felt so relieved to have a chance at a do-over? Often letting children try again lets them address the problem or change their behavior. “I can’t let you put glue all over the table. Do you want to try this again on paper?”
Problem-solve together — If there is a problem and your child is acting out of frustration, giving him a chance to talk about the problem and listening to a solution he has can turn things around for the better.
Ask questions — Sometimes children do things but we don’t quite get it. We might assume incorrectly they are doing something “bad” or “naughty” when, in fact, they are trying to understand how something works. Ask what they are up to with the intent to listen and understand first, then correct them by providing the appropriate outlet or information that is missing. So try, “What are you trying to do?” instead of, “Why in the world…ugh!!! Time out!”
Read a story — Another great way to help children understand how to make better choices is by reading stories with characters that are making mistakes, having big feelings or needing help to make better choices. Also, reading together can be a really positive way to reconnect and direct our attention to our child.
Teach through puppets and play — Young children love to see puppets or dolls come to life to teach positive lessons. “I’m Honey Bear, and oh, it looks like you scribbled crayons on the ground. I’m flying to the kitchen to get a sponge for us to clean it up together. Come along!” After cleaning up together, “Oh, now let’s fetch some paper, and will you color me a picnic on the paper? Paper is for coloring with crayons!”
Give two choices — Let’s say your child is doing something completely unacceptable. Provide her with two alternatives that are safe, respectful and acceptable, and let her choose what she will do from there. By receiving two choices, the child can keep some control over her decisions while still learning about boundaries.
Listen to a song — Sometimes taking a fun break to release some tension and connect is all that children need to return to making better choices and all that parents need to loosen up a bit and let go of some stress. Listen to a song or take a dance break!
Go outside — Changing locations often gives us parents a chance to redirect behavior to something more appropriate. “I cannot let you scale the bookshelf. You CAN climb on the monkey bars. Let’s go outside and practice that instead!” Or, “Cutting the carpet with the scissors is not acceptable. Let’s go outside and cut some grass.”
Breathe — A big, deep breath for both parents and children can really help us calm down and look at what is going on with a new perspective. Take a big “lion” breath to get out frustrations or short and quick “bunny” breaths to feel calm and re-energized.
Draw a picture — A wonderful way for children to talk about mistakes is to make a picture of what they did or could have done differently. It’s a low-key way to open a window for talking to each other about making better choices.
Create a chill-out space — For a time-out to work, it needs to be something that helps everyone calm down, not something that makes children frightened or scared. A chill-out space is an area where children can go sit and think, tinker with some quiet toys, and have some space alone until they feel ready to talk or return to being with others. Using the chill-out space should be offered as a choice and not a command.

Every child and every situation is unique, so these tools are not one-size-fits-all but rather a list of ideas to lean on to expand your parenting toolbox. I find that striving to use proactive tools like these to respond to and to guide children towards better choices works far more positively than having to react when things have gotten out of hand.

Editor’s note: Many parents, especially when moving away from spanking, can have a difficult time viewing discipline in terms of not punishing but rather teaching. It can take a great leap of faith that positive, non-punitive discipline can work — and work really well! It’s important for parents just getting started with positive discipline to realize that the motivation behind spanking (to punish) and positive discipline (to teach) are very different, even if they have the same intended result. Learn more about the differences through API’s principle to Practice Positive Discipline.

It may help to think of spanking as a way to get the child’s immediate attention and to begin by substituting another behavior, such as clapping, for spanking to get the child’s attention before doing the positive discipline exercise. Ideas like this can help redirect your physical reflex.

When getting started with positive discipline, especially if you are just beginning to move away from spanking, it can be helpful to imagine various scenarios ahead of time and how you could react to them in using positive discipline versus spanking. For example, before entering a room where your child is supposed to be drawing with crayons on paper, you could imagine finding your child drawing on the wall and run through ideas in your mind of how you could react in a way other than reflexively spanking. It’s important for your child to know that drawing on the wall is not OK by firmly saying so, but then follow up with a positive discipline technique such as problem-solving.

Of course, it’s not always possible to be proactive. When anger catches you off-guard, try to take a break yourself. Apologies for our behavior, as parents, can go a long way to heal relationships with our children while also modeling what we’d like to see in our children.

It can also help to understand that positive discipline works best when the parent and child have a secure attachment. If your child seems to ignore your attempts at non-punitive discipline, continue trying it out while simultaneously improving your connection. Find ideas through API’s Eight Principles of Parenting.

Keep in mind, if you’re trying to shift away from spanking, you’re not the first person to do it — even API’s cofounders struggled with learning how to discipline without spanking at first. You can find support through local API Support Groups, the API Warmline or the API Neighborhood online forums.

20 Years of Advocating for Families

By Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker, cofounders of Attachment Parenting International and coauthors of Attached at the Heart

We can hardly contain ourselves! Twenty years ago, we had a dream and this anniversary conference at Notre Dame this week is a fulfillment of that dream! This is a rare and exciting opportunity to meet and hear presentations by many of the influential and inspiring pioneers, both past and present, in the fields of attachment, child development and of course Attachment Parenting.

These are the people who influenced us, broadened our vision and helped raise the consciousness of a culture and shape the way we raise our children.

Our conference team has organized a day just for you, and most of the speakers you know and love will present on that day! Here are a few of our personal reflections about some of the speakers and why we know you don’t want to miss them:

Dr. William and Martha Sears… parents, authors, legends that wrote some of the first parenting books on Attachment Parenting. We were first introduced to their books as young mothers in La Leche League back in the early 1980s. Martha was a La Leche League Leader and she and Bill spoke at many state and international LLL conferences for many years. Some of their sons are carrying on their work in their pediatric practice , you can get a pediatric sleep consultant and on national television! Bill serves on the API Advisory Board and Martha sits on the API Board of Directors.
Dr. Isabelle Fox is a retired child psychologist, student of Dr. John Bowlby, author and tireless advocate for babies and young children. She continues to counsel parents on custody issues, focusing on the preverbal child’s need for consistent, predictable, responsive care. She is a member of the API Advisory Board.
Peggy O’Mara is Mothering magazine’s grand dame! Her warm and inspirational writing and articles were a source of great wisdom and comfort to many families for decades. We remember getting our first copies of Mothering when our babies were in arms and devouring each issue like it was manna from heaven! We consider Peggy a dear sister mentoring us from afar… Now her writings will live on in her books, new website and presentations all over the world. She is a member of the API Advisory Board.
Dr. Gabor Maté is a co-author with Dr. Gordon Neufeld of the classic book Hold On to Your Kids, a key API Leader applicant text. He is a gifted speaker who will illuminate us in the social and psychological stresses that children face today.
Dr. Kathleen Kendall-Tackett, author, La Leche League Leader, pioneer researcher in the field of maternal depression. Her experience as a mother and breastfeeding advocate have enriched and influenced her field of research in amazing and insightful ways. She is a member of the API Resource Advisory Council and was the Guest Editor of API’s 2013 Journal of Attachment Parenting.
Lu Hanessian, author, educator, TV host, founder of WYSH, is another dear friend and advocate that has served on the API Board of Directors and continues today on the API Advisory Board, now continuing her activism in so many areas, we can’t keep up! As the mother of teenage sons, she’s living in a new world of balancing a very active family and active career. We are blessed to have her moderating all of our panels, as well as contributing from her rich experiences as a true Renaissance woman!
Dr. James McKenna, an anthropologist, researcher, author, professor, speaker and advocate for babies, mothers and fathers. His pioneering work in the field of infant sleep has changed the paradigm for modern parents, helping them understand that our babies come in to this world wired for a safe, protective sleep environment, mandated by the need to be in close proximity to their parents. He is a fearless advocate for truth in research and empowering parents to make their own decisions. He is a member of the API Advisory Board and is the Guest Editor of the 2014 Journal of Attachment Parenting to be released by API later this year.
Dr. Wendy Middlemiss, professor of child development and researcher on early infant stress, will share her research and the work she is pioneering at the University of North Texas. She is the coordinator of the API Research Group.
Dr. Darcia Narvaez, professor of psychology at Notre Dame University, and the catalyst and organizer of this amazing conference, will share her stunning research on the moral development of children and how she discovered Attachment Parenting through her research. She is a member of the API Board of Directors.
Michael Mendizza, filmmaker and author, founder of Touch the Future. We have been hearing of Michael’s work for years, especially in relationship to his amazing archives filming such legends as Dr. Ashley Montagu and Joseph Chilton Pearce. (If you don’t know these names, look them up as you’ll be amazed at their contributions to humanity.) When we met Micheal, we knew we had a met a “brother in the cause,” and his insights will be an amazing contribution to the conference.
Rebecca Thompson, marriage and family therapist, author, speaker and founder of Consciously Parenting Project Community will share her insights and experiences as a mother and professional in her work with families.
Janet Jendron, API Board President! It’s hard to describe the deep friendship and roots we have with Janet that come from our La Leche League (LLL) Leader beginnings. She has always been someone we had hoped and prayed would come on our board, as her experience as a former LLL International board member were invaluable. Her enthusiasm and love for people is an example to us all.
Sir Richard Bowlby Bt is the son of the “Father of Attachment Theory,” the late Dr. John Bowlby. He is an excellent speaker and advocate for his father’s legacy as well as an archivist of some of his father’s early writing and films. We first met Sir Richard at the home of Dr. Isabelle Fox in Los Angeles, California, USA, several years ago and he soon joined the API Advisory Board.

And that’s just the speakers! Put on your dancing shoes, because we will also have a live band with the Kennedy’s Kitchen. Plus, great videos of “Mr. Universe” with comedian Jim Gaffigan (an AP dad who may not know it) and “The Milky Way,” a powerful film about the ongoing breastfeeding movement. Not to mention, there will also be great food, exhibitors and poster sessions!

After our day and a half of API celebration and sessions, Dr. Darcia Narvaez’s program will begin with world-renowned academics, including API Advisory Board member Dr. Bruce Perry, founder of the Child Trauma Academy, as the keynote.

For those of you who have always longed to come face-to-face with other professionals and families in this cultural movement to truly “change the world,” this is your opportunity. Join us!

We hope to see many of you at Notre Dame!

Spanking and the Golden Rule

By Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker, cofounders of Attachment Parenting International and coauthors of Attached at the Heart

“Adults teach children in three important ways: The first is by example, the second is by example, the third is by example.” ~ Albert Schweitzer

At one point in our own lives, we have spanked at least one of our children, later learning more positive parenting tools.

People believe in spanking children for many reasons. We often hear the common rebuttal, “I was spanked as a child and I turned out OK,” or someone’s personal beliefs may incorporate the use of spanking to teach obedience and respect. We’ve heard many teachers say that when the use of paddling was taken out of schools, violence and chaos in classrooms increased — though that doesn’t hold true, because violence is a problem even in schools where paddling is still allowed.

For those who spank, it doesn’t mean you are bad parents or that your own parents were bad because they spanked you as a child. You’ve likely heard the adage, “You do the best you can with what you know at the time.” The good news is that there is so much more that we know now about child development and brain development that there are many more options for parents and caregivers that really do work so much more than spanking ever did — and keeps everyone’s dignity intact.

We certainly don’t intend to offend anyone’s beliefs or ideas about how to raise their children. What we want to do is plant the seeds of possibilities with you by looking at this issue in a different light.

We promote positive parenting practices that require that we see the world through the eyes of our children, rather than treating them like little adults. When children feel understood and disciplined with dignity, then they begin to learn their first lessons of empathy and compassion for others. Very simply, the Golden Rule applies to children, too: Treat your children the way you would want to be treated if you were the child.

Of course, as parents, we wish could always handle every situation perfectly, but we are all trained on the job. At times we lose it; tempers flare, we yell and spank. When that happens, it’s important to repair any damage to the parent-child relationship: Take time to reconnect, talk about what happened and apologize after everyone has calmed down. Talk about how the situation happened and what you can do together the next time a similar situation occurs. If it happens too often, then consider other professional resources for help and guidance.

It helps to have a mental plan for redirecting your anger and frustration. Try using these three reflective questions to help guide you in how you determine your course of action:

Am I treating my child the way I would want to be treated?
Will my words or actions strengthen my relationship with my child?
Will my actions give my child an opportunity to learn from this experience?

An Adopted Daughter Reflects on Her Birth Mother’s Decision

By Juliette Oase, retired API Leader from Portland, Oregon, USA

My adoptive dad spent years regretting that they had me call them “Mom” and “Dad.” He always said they should have just stayed “Uncle” and “Aunt.” He felt it would have made it easier.

I recently explained to my dad that I feel that was something that saved me. I always felt complete having a mom and a dad. I didn’t grow up feeling like an orphan, but like someone being raised by family. I had a mom and a dad. That was priceless for me.

When my birth mother died, she died. Memories of her are vague, but they stay in my heart. I still cry when I think of her, and I am crying as I write this.

I can’t imagine her last thoughts as she died, concerned for me. No doubt. She is gone, and I had to go on with my life. I was 2 years old.

I needed a mommy, and so my birth mother — with no other choice — chose my aunt to be my mom. It may be hard to swallow, as a mom yourself, reading that and thinking about your own child. But what is best for the child? Do we ever really know?

My mom never, ever took away from my birth mother. She always kept pictures of my birth mother around, and we always talked about her.

I know for years my mom may have felt she lived in my birth mother’s shadow, never living up to a memory.

My mom was only 25 when she took me in. A brave lady, who just desperately wanted to be a mom and knew she would never conceive. I don’t know if she would have done things differently. But as an adult going back to that brave lady at 25, I would ask her not to change a thing.

No Quick Fix

By Barbara Nicholson, cofounder of Attachment Parenting International and coauthor of Attached at the Heart

If there was ever a true maxim in parenting, this is one to remember: There is no such thing as a quick fix!

Now, that may sound sad or daunting to parents who want some simple tools to raise their children, but it’s important to step back and look at the big picture when we find ourselves opting for quick fixes. If our goal is to raise healthy, happy, compassionate, loving human beings who are responsible citizens of the community, this could be compared to creating a masterpiece in music, art or even some business endeavor.

Can we expect to create a musical masterpiece by ignoring our need to put hours into practicing our instrument, learning theory and listening to other virtuosos in developing our craft?

Each stage of our parenting journey has equal amounts of relief and new challenges. Just when we rejoice that our toddler is out of diapers, he decides to draw us a picture with permanent markers on the newly painted kitchen wall. Just when our teenager gets his driver’s license and we have him run a few errands, he gets in a fender bender in the parking lot of the grocery store.

The parents who look at the big picture can keep their cool: “Remember, this is a teachable moment. What can we all learn from this?” The quick fix answer would be to simply put the toddler in the corner or ground the teenager from driving, but how will that accomplish our long-term goal of a healthy, responsible human being?

Yes, it takes so much more time to get out the cleaning supplies and ask the toddler to help clean the walls, then set up an art corner in the kitchen with appropriate supplies for painting a picture. It also takes more time to give the teenager more instruction in parallel parking and possible restrictions on his driving until he’s more mature. But what incredible opportunities for connection, understanding and empathy!

Once, when my oldest son was a toddler, we had the experience I just described: He found some markers and joyfully created a beautiful mural all over the walls in the freshly painted main hallway of our house. Being a new mom, I was shocked at how strongly I reacted to this.

I was so angry, yet he was so proud and happy. Seeing my reaction, he dissolved into tears and I lacked the maturity and parenting skills to know what to do! I actually left him crying while I called a friend who had older children and whose parenting skills I admired. She wisely told me to get out the cleaning supplies and have him help me, thus beginning my journey into seeing these episodes as teachable moments.

Parents may fear that this is taking away their power, that if they don’t harshly chastise their children, they will not learn a lesson and will then repeat the behavior. But going back to the musical metaphor, what if you were spanked or yelled at every time you made a mistake playing your instrument? Who can learn anything by this kind of treatment?

However, if our instructor — or parent — can patiently demonstrate the correct way to play the song, or clean the wall, or drive the car, then the lesson is deeply understood, often not repeated, and everyone’s dignity remains intact. How can a quick fix compare to that?

An Adoptive Father’s Epiphany

Editor’s note: Today’s post is by John Brooks of Marin County, California, USA, author of The Girl Behind the Door, a memoir of his parenting journey with an adopted daughter whose attachment wounds went unnoticed by the professional community until it was too late. Prior to his daughter’s death, John was a senior financial executive in the broadcast and media industry. Now he devotes his time to advocating for adoptive families, mental health activism and working with teenagers. Learn more at his blog, Parenting and Attachment.

I’m an adoptive father. I knew my life experience was different from my daughter, Casey’s, adopted from Poland more than 20 years ago, but I had no idea how profoundly different we were until I was compelled by tragedy to take a brutally hard look at the world of the adopted child.

My journey began more than six years ago. Casey was preparing for college. We’d had a big fight one weekend. Parents argue with their teenagers. But the next morning I woke to a note: “The car is parked at the Golden Gate Bridge. I’m sorry.” Casey jumped and disappeared into San Francisco Bay along with my life and dreams.

Drowning in grief, I wrote, searching for answers. Why did she do it? What did everyone miss? What could we have done differently? It became a published book. I learned about the traumatic, lifelong effects of the separation of mother and child, a primal wound that we stepped into like all adoptive parents.

Some say that a birth mother giving up a child is like an amputation. As much love and attention as we showered on Casey, could it ever make up for that loss? It’s a void that for so many adopted children is ignored and misunderstood; some may not see it themselves. Oftentimes loving them enough isn’t enough. Babies are not blank slates who simply adapt as many believe.

Birth trauma can be deeply damaging. How could it not be? It takes parenting that acknowledges the child’s loss and the effect on her behavior. Reacting to rages with punitive discipline can backfire. Adoptive families need qualified specialists who know what questions to ask and how to ask them. And adoptive parents need to know that some day their child may need to search and reunite with her birth parents, even if it’s painful.

The bargain we make as adoptive parents – one we learned too late – is that once we go down this road, we take on a job that is harder than we’d ever imagined. It requires us to parent in a way that we may not be comfortable with, to give without receiving much in return. It can leave us exhausted and isolated from other parents. But make no mistake, I remember the great times – they were many – and despite Casey’s loss, I feel like the luckiest guy in the world to have been her dad.

Using NVC in the Family

By Barbara Nicholson, cofounder of Attachment Parenting International (API) and coauthor of Attached at the Heart

Over the last several years, I have been reading Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s classic book, Nonviolent Communication, and sharing some of his pearls of wisdom with my adult sons. Oh, how I wish I had this book when they were very young! And how I wish I had the wisdom to model this kind of communication for my children as we were dealing with sibling rivalry and other normal challenges of family life.

When we’re all together eating, playing games, or watching TV, my husband and I are amazed at how the “old tapes” can get played: The same dynamics that you think adults outgrow can rear over such insignificant comments! Four adult children with four very unique temperaments, talents and interests make for interesting combinations, to say the least. But no matter what the issue, it’s affirming to see how well the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) tools work!

There were several times when a simple misunderstanding could have escalated into a full-blown argument; however, reminding ourselves of what the core issue was — the feeling that was felt, the need that was identified — diffused the situation into an opportunity to really see the big picture. So often we don’t want to take the time to dig a little deeper, thinking that it’s too time consuming, yet arguments can linger over the rest of the day, creating a pall over what should be a loving day of connection and respite from our busy lives.

In my ideal world, not only would parents model these communication tools for their children, but teachers would be taught these methods in all training programs. What a gift for a teacher to be able to help her students who are having an argument on the playground to identify their feelings and unmet needs, to see that we have a universal vocabulary of feelings that are web of strength, not a weapon of name calling and division.

If this became our language of connection, we might even be able to change the way we communicate in business and government, changing our whole society in such a way that mediation becomes more the norm than the exception.

When I see my sons using NVC tools, even though it might be a little stiff and even though I usually have to initiate the conversation, I see the potential that all families have to greatly improve their quality of family life. It’s even a great tool to use with grandparents and other family members, especially over the holidays or other events when we’re in close quarters for extended periods of time. It’s a reminder to be a good listener, take the time to go a little deeper in our understanding of each other and truly bring some peace into the home.

Many communities now have NVC practice groups, and I encourage all API Support Groups to look into inviting an NVC-trained group leader to visit and perhaps lead a practice session at a meeting. It is a simple technique that we can use in every relationship, increasing our vocabularies at the same time! As Dr. Rosenberg states, this is a whole new language and essential to creating a more peaceful society. Of course, that — peace — is what we all want in our homes and communities.