Feed with Love and Respect – Page 2

Can You Please Retrieve My Bagel From Under the Bed?

I don’t normally eat anything found under my bed. The vacuum cleaner can only reach so far. I also have two house cats, and that’s where they go to get a little R-and-R from my three kids. Plus I do have a kitchen stocked full with food found in usual places like the fridge or pantry. But since going gluten-free this winter for medical reasons, it’s not often I get a chance to eat a beautifully soft bagel mounded with cream cheese spread. And I really wanted that bagel.

Losing the bagel – sunny side down, mind you – to the depths reminded me of a great disappointment a few months earlier. I had just left the doors of Burger King with my three children, a baby in a car seat and two girls, ages four and five, and in the crux of my arm balanced a refill of Dr. Pepper that I was really looking forward to drinking. It was a little breezy, and the older children were tired, and the parking lot seemed to be especially busy. When I got to the car, I put the drink cup on the hood and began the process of getting the car seat into its base and the older children into their booster seats. Triumphant with how smoothly things seemed to be going, I reached for the drink cup – when suddenly, a gust of wind shot it off the car and my longed-after Dr. Pepper dumped all over the ground. I was so disheartened that I didn’t even think of going through the drive-thru to get another one.

So, yes, I wanted that bagel. I didn’t want a repeat Dr. Pepper episode.

How did that bagel get under the bed, cream cheese side down, stuck in the dust bunnies and cat hair? Well, I was doing one of my infamous multitasking attempts. I was breastfeeding my baby while sitting on my bed, using the breast pump on the other breast (due to chronic yeast), talking on the phone with a client, sketching out an idea for a project with a pen and notepad, and eating this bagel – at the same time. The baby is at that age where anything within reach is in danger and he batted at the bagel. It dropped to the floor and rolled under the bed. I couldn’t express my dismay more than grimacing a little, because I was still on the phone. And I couldn’t attempt to get the bagel before the 30-second rule, because I was still tethered to the breast pump.

My husband didn’t even blink when I asked him to please retrieve my bagel from under the bed, like I do this kind of stuff all the time…

This post is part of the “Delicate Balance” series, which chronicles the juggling act of work-at-home attachment parent Rita Brhel.

Salad for Kids

Last week, my friend said she doesn’t think my son is a vegetarian; he’s a carbivore. He prefers mac-n-cheese, pizza, quesadillas, and penne–either plain and cold or with butter and sometimes parmesan. (To be fair, he also likes tostadas with tomato and avocado, steamed broccoli, cauliflower, and carrots, and will eat all sorts of fruit).

Still it felt like a bit of a miracle when he ate salad last week. He used to eat it but age four brought a level of selective (a.k.a. picky) eating we had never seen the likes of. In keeping with the principle to Feed with Love and Respect, I don’t want to force my child to eat, use sweets as a reward for healthy food, or make him sit at the table until he’s cleaned his plate–all practices I experienced as a child. I do want him to try new things, to have the power to decide what he likes and make his own choices. So, I have instituted a “two bite policy” at our house. The reason for two bites is that he gags on the first bite, possibly before his taste buds have even registered the food, maybe before the food has actually touched his tongue. So the second bite is the actual tasting.

We have had some success. Cucumber sticks were a Yes. Cold cucumber soup, however, was a definite No. Considering many adults I know (myself sometimes included) aren’t fans of a cold soup, his rejection of the soup was fine. But I decided to try an experiment to get salad back on the menu. I took all of the vegetables he happily eats raw and separately and combined them into a salad.

Romaine lettuce
Grape tomatoes, quartered
Diced avocado
Cucumber, peeled and diced
Grated carrot

Served in a ramekin with no dressing and with some encouragement from me, my son ate every bite!

One of the parenting tools that I use whether I’m choosing to or not is modeling. This is true with food, how to talk to people, taking care of myself, sharing, manners, expressing feelings, everything. So, one of the ways I’m encouraging healthy eating in him is healthy eating for me. I try not to have food in the house that I wouldn’t want him to eat. If we decide to have ice cream, we go someplace to order a scoop so that there’s not a whole carton in the freezer–which turns dessert from a treat into a power struggle.

“Mama, can I have some ice cream?”

“For breakfast? No.”

This summer, I’m making a conscious effort to eat more salad myself. I would bet that his seeing it on my plate went as far as (if not further than) our two bite policy. To make salads more appealing to me, I’ve been experimenting with new combinations or with recreating favorites from restaurants I love. I used all of the ingredients mentioned above, some green onion, and instead of my avocado in chunks, I made an avocado yogurt dressing a la Mr. Natural. They have not shared their recipe with me so I guessed. I got out my handy dandy mini food processor and combined

1/4 cup plain fat free yogurt
1 clove garlic
1/2 avocado
salt to taste

It was delicious, if a little thick. One might add some milk to thin the dressing.

After I took the picture and tasted the salad (all gooey from super-thick dressing), I realized some crunch would be nice and added Tamari pumpkin seeds. Sunflower seeds also would have been delicious. So Cavanaugh and I both ate our vegetables.

What do you like in salad? How about your kids?

What I Will Miss

I have two children. My daughter Hannah is 5 1/2, and my son Jacob is 2. While I like to believe that I’ve parented them in the same way, they are two very different little people. From their very first days, they have made their individuality clear.

I have found this very freeing, as a parent. It tells me that my children are their own people, and it is not my job to make them fit into a mold. I strive to teach them the things they need to know, and set reasonable limits. But when my daughter has a scream that could stop a train, or my son constantly runs from me in public, it is not necessarily a sign that I have failed entirely in my parental duty. They are simply expressing themselves in age-appropriate ways, based on their developmental stages and individual personalities.

And you know what? When they outgrow those stages, I miss them.

This struck me the other night, as I was awake at 4:00am (again) nursing Jacob back to sleep. I never remember how I got to his room, but I find myself there every night. My daughter Hannah was a champion sleeper from a very early age. I thought I had it figured out. But at almost 2 1/2, my son Jacob has slept through the night exactly three times. They have different sleep personalities, and I do my best to respond to them appropriately.

My children, just as they were for one instant out of their childhoods

Once Jacob drifted off, I shifted him and threw my arm around him. I felt the back of his soft little hand, and listened to his quiet breathing. It was warm and cozy and so peaceful. In the wee hours of the morning, it felt like the two of us were the only people awake, on that double bed in his bedroom. And I knew, I knew, that I would miss these moments one day.

Our children’s neediness can be hard to take. Sometimes, they need so very much of us that there isn’t anything left for our partners or ourselves. They wake us from sleep, they cling to us while we try to pee, they interrupt us while we talk on the phone, they cry because we brought them the wrong sippy cup. But in these moments, they are also perfectly expressing themselves as they are right now. Little people, who see the world in us, and reach out to us with total faith.

There is so much that is good in the midst of the chaos that is parenting young children. I strive to cling to that goodness. Little pieces of childhood, stolen moments between my child and myself. If I’ve learned anything in my 5 1/2 years of parenting it’s that these moments will be gone, and all too soon. And so I try to reach out and grasp them, even though I know I can’t. And sometimes, on a random Tuesday at 4:00am, I almost succeed.

What moments will you miss when they’re gone? What do you do to hold on to them while they last?

Gentle parenting ideas: Meals and eating

Editor’s note: This post is the third in a series about gentle parenting through potential power struggles with your toddler or preschooler. Each post will give you ideas and examples for using love, patience, and creativity to work through some fairly common parent/toddler areas of concern: brushing teeth, getting into the car seat, meals/eating, grocery shopping, diaper changes, and picking up toys. We welcome your gentle/respectful parenting ideas and feedback.

Ideas to make mealtime a positive experience:

Make Dinner Pleasant and Comfortable — Remember to make meals a relaxing time for your family. Save arguing and stressful conversations for later. Concentrate on sharing stories about everyone’s day, talking about the food and flavors, making plans for the coming week, etc. Additionally, you might rethink how you have your toddler sitting. If she is in a hard chair with her feet dangling, it might not be the most comfortable way to enjoy a meal. For an extra fun dinner, add party hats and candlelight — an instant dinner party!
Let Toddlers Help — Toddlers often love to help out, so let them have a part in meal selection and preparation. Take them to the farmers’ market and let them help you select fruits and vegetables. Let them do age appropriate tasks in the kitchen, and/or ask them to help set the table — they can put out napkins, silverware, etc. Let go of any expectations of perfection – if all of the napkins land in the same chair, so be it! You can sort it out later.
Be Grazing-Friendly, Serve Small Portions — Toddlers don’t often need big meals, their body chemistry works better when they can graze throughout the day, eating small portions to keep their blood sugar stable. Don’t get hung up on having everyone in the family sit through the whole meal. If it is a constant struggle to get your toddler to sit for longer than 3 minutes, what do you win by having her stay unwillingly in her chair — resentful and unhappy? Give grazing a try. And don’t worry, your toddler will learn to sit for longer periods of time eventually.
Make Room for Baby — Set a place at the table for your toddler’s favorite baby doll or stuffed animal. Let her “feed” the baby from an empty bowl/spoon.
Dinner Music — Let your toddler select some dinner music from a few options you give her. Talk about the music during dinner: “How does it make you feel? What instruments can you hear? Can you hear the beat?”
Food is Fun — Eating can be a fun experience all by itself. There is no need to force utensils too early. There’s really nothing wrong with using fingers, and your child will eventually learn how to use a spoon. There’s no test to pass! Skewer your kids’ veggies and fruit — with toddler-appropriate tips, like a chopstick or popsicle stick. Let your little one try chopsticks! Use dips and wraps. Try cookie cutters out on a variety of foods, such as sandwiches, pancakes and omelettes. Try serving a meal made entirely of one color: “Look, we’re eating a yellow breakfast! An omelet with yellow squash, yellow bell peppers and yellow tomatoes, served with a side of golden potatoes.”
Don’t Force-Feed Them — Similar to the suggestion about grazing above, please do not force your toddler to clean her plate. Don’t withhold privileges until he has taken a bite or finished his plate. It’s not even necessary to tell them “Good job!” for eating all of their veggies. You might thank them for trying everything, if that is important to you. Research has shown that forcing children to finish food interferes with a child’s ability to tell when they are full and their development of self-control.
Talk About the Food — Americans eat entirely too fast. We don’t take time to savor our food, much less think about it. Make it a practice to start talking about the food you are eating. Talk about the food groups, what each food does for our bodies, how it grows, How food prevents anxiety, where it comes from. Perhaps talking about your food will motivate you to improve your eating habits. It can also lead to a lifetime of healthy eating habits and attitudes toward food for your children.
Offer Healthy Options — Remember you hold the keys to your own destiny when it comes to eating healthy. If you stock your cabinets with chips, cookies and soda, chances are your kids will opt for the junkfood more often than you would like. But kids will eat healthy food when they are presented with healthy options! Resist the urge to buy that bag of cookies, and reach for a bag of apples instead. It is your responsibility to teach your children healthy habits. They cannot do it alone. And let’s be honest: You can’t get angry with your child for wanting to eat unhealthy foods if you are buying them.
Don’t Stress — Most importantly, don’t stress. Continue to offer healthy choices throughout the day that your toddler will eat! If you maintain a relaxed attitude around food, there will be no reason to get into a power struggle over it.

What ideas do you have to help make eating a good experience? Please share them in the comments.

The community communion table

Food is a big deal in my family and in our community. Meals, especially dinner, are when everyone gets together. They are loud and they last a long time. No one seems to be in a hurry to get them over with.

Dinner prep is usually fairly chaotic with everyone in and out of the kitchen and the kitchen overflows with smells. We cook spicy and ethnic food a lot so curry and chili are regular smells in our kitchen.

Dinner is a community communion of sorts. You can feel the joy of eating when our clan gets together. We make food that is nourishing, made of as many whole foods — and organic when we can afford it — as we are able and food that is full of flavor. Our policy is that everyone should leave the table full in every way, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Since shortly after my son was born he sensed that dinnertime was special. That there was something special about sitting down together and that it made eating something more than just nourishing our bodies but that it is something that nourishes relationship, something that nourishes the soul.

By the time he was a few months old he demanded to “sit” at the table with everyone. Usually on my husband’s or my lap. He wanted to be a part of what was going on.

As my son started to eat food I watched him enjoy food. My son loves both curry and chili. Granted he is now a very normal toddler and I have to come up with creative ways to introduce healthy food in to his diet but I am satisfied knowing that the meals we put on the table are full of nourishing food but it’s more than just the food he is putting it to his belly. My son sits at the end of our large dinner table and he engages in the conversation and laughter that happens. I am happy to see my son be nourished in every way around the community communion table.

Jasmine is a co-housing community living mama with a passion for fierce writing.

Photos used from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/forever5yearsold/2808759067/

Celebrating the Model of Attachment – World Breastfeeding Week – August 1-7, 2009

While I was pregnant with my first baby, I wanted to breastfeed – but because I would save money and because breastmilk has superior health benefits to formula. At that time, I didn’t know anything about attachment or how important breastfeeding behaviors are to the mother-baby emotional bond – that breastfeeding is the very model of attachment, as explained by Attachment Parenting International’s co-founders Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker in their book, Attached at the Heart.

So, then my daughter was born prematurely and due a variety of problems, I found I could not breastfeed. I had to pump and feed her my breastmilk through the bottle. By all accounts, at least according to my original reasons for breastfeeding, I should’ve been content – I was still saving money and still giving the health benefits of breastmilk to my baby. But I felt like I was missing something, though I didn’t know what. When my second baby was born and I was able to breastfeed, I realized just what was missing.

I had been looking at breastfeeding as filling purely a physical need, when it is so much more – it provides mothers and babies an emotional connection with one another that can’t be replicated in any other way.

When I first came to Attachment Parenting, I viewed each of the Eight Principles of Parenting as separate entities – like I could do one or a few but not have to do the others, too. (When you’re new to this parenting approach, especially coming from a background that is so foreign to the concept, it can be difficult to trust that this parenting approach will work for you. And trying to think of all Eight Principles is perhaps a little overwhelming at first, too!) The further into my parenting journey I go, though, the more I realize how all the principles weave together and rely on each other. It’d actually be very difficult, perhaps impossible, to just pick out one or a few principles and not do the others, too.
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Natural process of weaning

I really believe in child led weaning when it comes to extended breastfeeding however I personally would not like to nurse past 3-years of age. I know that many women do with great success and that’s wonderful and I fully support that. I just know my limitations and 3 years of age is about the age for me.

Our children have both been bigger for their age so I’m used to the looks outside of home when I’m nursing a 2-year old that looks like a 4-year old and I just smile. I’m forever grateful for our pediatrician Dr. William Sears for opening my eyes and educating me about extended breastfeeding and child-led weaning. It has been especially helpful at times when friends and relatives wonder why I’m still nursing and how long will I continue. It’s not always easy to stand your ground especially as a first time mom so it’s important to have the knowledge to deal with criticism etc because you sure need that so that you don’t start to doubt yourself because of all the “advice” that is being given to you by mainstream parents and friends.

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