attachment parenting – Page 18

Maintaining connection through long separations

Editor’s note: April is Month of the Military Child, an observance designed to increase support to children in military families. Attachment Parenting International’s Sixth Principle of Parenting: Provide Consistent and Loving Care advocates for parents to provide abundant presence to their children and to carefully consider options of non-parental care. Because they experience frequent moves and deployments, this is all the more important to military families:

Many military families face long separations as family members must be away for long-term training or deployments. As with all things, being prepared for the upcoming separation and knowing what to expect can help all members of the family weather the cycle of long-term separation.

Consider using the tools offered by the Families Overcoming Under Stress (FOCUS) program, which provides training for families to learn coping tools to help meet the challenges of deployment and reintegration. Other sources of support during separations can include family, friends, API Support Groups, spouse support services or family readiness groups, and your installation’s support services or Military OneSource.

There are many fun and creative ways to maintain connection while separated, many of which you can start before the separation — and many of which I have used many of these tools to help us maintain connection during my husband’s long-term training workups and subsequent back to back deployments:

Create a life-size cut-out of the deploying parent, such as through Flat Daddies. Once the Flat Daddy or Mommy has joined the family, you can use it as a tool to foster connection. Move the cut-out to different rooms in the house, dress him or her up with seasonal hats and clothing, hold hands, give hugs and kisses, and take pictures with him or her. Consider taking the cut-out with your family to
special gatherings and perhaps include it with family photos.
Create a plush doll with the image of Mommy or Daddy on it, such as through Daddy Dolls. The doll can be snuggled with while sleeping and easily brought with you wherever you go. It can also be customized with a written message and a recording.
Use one of Daddy’s or Mommy’s t-shirts as a pillow case to snuggle with during bedtime.
Make a bracelet or other jewelry with the name of the separated family member and wear it though the deployment. if you’re looking to give a watch gift look this great watch guides on NanaDC.
Make photo albums. As a family, make a special photo album of a recent family trip, favorite moments together, or just photos of the child and deploying parent together. Be sure to look at the photo album together often.
Try a talking photo frame. The deploying parent can leave a special message with his or her picture for the family at home.
The deploying parent can write cards and letters ahead of time, then leave them home sealed and marked with the date they are to be opened. These can be for special occasions or just to help make a regular day more special. For example, a card can be marked for “When you feel sad” or “When you need to laugh” in addition to birthdays and holidays. Gifts can also be purchased, wrapped and left to be opened. Alternatively, children can also draw pictures or write letters to be “sneaked” into the deploying parent’s bag.
Reading books together before the separation can give time to connect and also for children to ask questions or share concerns. Favorite books can also be sent with the deploying family member to be read to the children while away, via technology. Children’s picture books that feature military families and deployment themes include: My Red Balloon by Eve Bunting, Red, White and Blue Good-bye by
Sarah Tomp, and Night Catch by Brenda Ehrmantraut.
Record videos with special messages to be left for the family to watch. Another idea is to record videos of the deploying parent reading a story to the children, and leave the books for the children to follow along. One website to check out is A Story Before Bed, through which stories can be recorded with and without the children in the video.
Take advantage of Skype or Facetime to help see and hear each other while apart, which definitely helps ease the separation for all family members.
Use fun, versatile counting games to provide a visual tool that demonstrates the passing of time for younger children. This can be as simple as buying or making a large wall calendar that can be decorated and annotated with special days before the separation. Children can cross out the days as they pass. Another alternative is to use a day planner or a small notebook to write messages for the family to read as the days go by. Another idea is that before the separation, the whole family can build a paper chain with one link for each day of separation. One link is removed for each day the family is apart. The person going away could write messages on some or all of the paper links as surprises for the family. A family could also build a paper chain during a separation by adding a link for every day of separation, to demonstrate the time that has passed. Another variation is to make a Gratitude Chain, where each day the family members write what they are thankful for on a strip of paper and build a chain with it. When the deployed family member returns, the Gratitude Chain becomes a tool for reconnection as it is disassembled and read together.

Though extended separations are never easy, families can enjoy using these ideas to create and maintain connection while apart and to ease reintegration after the separation is over.

Editor’s note: Learn more about Attachment Parenting for military families with these resources from Attachment Parenting International (API):

“When a Parent Goes to War: Effects of Parental Deployment on Very Young Children and Implications for Intervention” from the Journal of Attachment Parenting

“Separation from dad” and “Giving birth without husband” threads from the API Forum

“Navigating Military Life with API’s Eight Principles of Parenting” from The Attached Family

“An Ever-changing Village: The Importance of Parent Support for Military Families” and “Peace at Home: Military Families Embrace Attachment Parenting” from The Attached Family

“Reflections on Motherhood” from The Attached Family

“Parenting through Business Trips, Military Deployment and Other Extended Separations” from The Attached Family

“Grief in Children” from The Attached Family

Screentime and Attachment Parenting

There are issues that Attachment Parenting International (API) does not take a stance on — circumcision, vaccinations, cloth diapering and elimination communication, to name a few — and instead advocates for all parents to be informed when making parenting decisions that work best for their families. The same applies to choices about media access for children.

To me, Attachment Parenting (AP) doesn’t mean we’ll achieve perfection or that all AP parents will come to the same conclusions. It means we’ve made a commitment to inform ourselves and make conscious choices. We can all respectfully “agree to disagree” when parents have informed themselves and understand the pros and cons. Biases and prejudices should have very little — nothing! — to do with it. Have we considered the research? Have we carefully observed the dynamics in our own families? Can we tell whether media is connecting or disconnecting parents and children in our homes?

For my family, I want media to be an event, not a lifestyle. I want my kids to be able to happily go for weeks without using it! So occasionally, if I see symptoms of dependency, we go on “detox” and course-correct — basically by getting busy with other things. I want us — adults and children — to use media, not have it use us. And I certainly don’t want media — with all it’s commercial motivations — to cheat my kids out of time to be creative, to be helpful, to be thoughtful, to just be.

For us, that means once or twice a week, we consume a little media, mostly together. The other six days, it’s just not an option. That’s how we thrive best.

For some of my AP friends, that’s way more than the none they believe is best. Compared to other AP families, our media use is a fraction of what happens in their homes.

Information and discernment can lead us to our own version of balance. This can change depending on the age and stage of our children, which is completely aligned with API’s focus on the importance of understanding child development needs.

I think it’s important for parents to take a good, close look at the research and have an open, honest conversation with others. Instead of judging or lobbying for one “side” or another on media use, the focus can be on informing ourselves together. Just being willing to ask the question, knowing that answers may be variable, would be a great service to our AP communities.

I’m screaming at the top of my voice…can you hear me?

A very dear friend of mine nearly lost his sister to tragic circumstances 13 days ago. I can’t speak for her, for him or for their parents or friends. I can only share how this horribly sad situation is affecting me. As I ponder the despondence that chaperoned her down this harrowing and dark course, I can’t help but reflect upon my own life and the lives of the ones I love. I’m questioning everything and yet, I feel as though I understand.

One of the messages I thread through much of my writing and through my actions is the need for each of us, from birth, to be heard. To be seen. To be understood. I can’t say it enough, and I find that it applies to any and every situation I come across.

Since the moment I first gave birth, I somehow instinctively understood this and it’s the constant force behind my patience, my understanding, my listening, my love. It is the feeling that led me to Attachment Parenting without even knowing what that meant. If only we each had this gift from another, I truly believe, things would be different. We would be different. We wouldn’t be desperately longing for the kind of connection to nurture our soul in ways that only one where someone truly hears us, provides. The love and acceptance we long for outside of ourselves appear much differently when we truly accept and embrace the love we first need for ourselves.

When I witness someone suffering, including myself, I realize that we are either too afraid to share our pain, we allow ourselves to be honest and vulnerable and we are then judged, misunderstood or dismissed, or we really don’t have anyone we feel connected to and trust in such a way to provide the necessary space we need for the disclosure. Some also unconsciously bury the pain so deep that they pretend and act as if it doesn’t even exist. They create worlds and scenarios that camouflage their suffering even deeper. They believe that if anyone knew, they would die. The shame. The fear. The secrets. Each of these will kill us before the shock of anyone finding out the truth will.

Whichever reality it is, they all lead us down the same path. We end up feeling frightened. Ashamed. Unworthy. Isolated. Alone. We are too afraid to ask for help, and we often feel we have the tools to manage it all. On our own. Eventually.

We then continue on with secrets and delicate, sometimes beautiful facades to protect ourselves from anyone ever knowing the truth. In many cases, we clearly hear and see the desperate cries for help. We see the reckless, unabashed behavior and we do our best to lend a hand. Take control. Offer advice, guidance, comfort, love, support. We talk amongst each other as we scramble for answers. We may get lucky enough to save them from themselves. We may not.

In other cases, you would never know of the pain and struggles one faces. Their facades are not as transparent. You might believe you know them. Their truth. Their smiling face and laborious achievements may prove that they are all powerful and strong beyond anything you could imagine. You might even envy them. They, too, are silently suffering in some way. We all are. I believe.

Another unfortunate sufferance I presume we each face at some point is the feeling of not being good enough. We compare ourselves to others and we allow the persuasive “less than” feeling to hold us back. I know I do. I often wish this obtrusive and provoking noise would evaporate into the air from which it came. It loves to make appearances though: Just when I think I’m strong and free, it stops in to challenge me yet again.

I am a very sensitive person and I feel everything. Acutely. Deeply. Profoundly. It doesn’t take a tragedy to awaken me to how precious this life is or how fortunate I am to live each moment I am given here. That said, it is in times of distress and tribulation when we are most aware and most vulnerable to receive the lessons we are meant to, if we allow ourselves to feel and experience all of it. If we can truly understand that we are all connected. Our energy affects everything and everyone.

My wish is for each of us to recognize and understand that we are not perfect. We don’t have to be perfect. We each have a purpose and our own unique being with which to carry that out. We can ask for help when we need it. We are good enough. We are worthy of love. We are transcendent.

If we are fortunate enough to know each other already or we are still yet to cross paths in this lifetime or another, I want you to know that I see you. I hear you. I love you.

❤ Sandy

Nurturing touch beyond babywearing

Use Nurturing Touch is one of Attachment Parenting International‘s Eight Principles of Parenting. With a baby, there are so many ways to put this into practice: babywearing, breastfeeding, the fact that babies want to be held most of the time anyway. But as my son has grown older, he’s become less and less interested in hugs, kisses, back rubs and other types of nurturing touch that naturally follow in the toddler years.

He’s almost 5 now, and it’s a challenge for me to still remember his need for physical touch and to find creative ways to meet that need.

I try to make a point to do small physical gestures — a high-five or a silly, exaggerated handshake — and to engage in more physical play with him or just be close to him during playtime. Sometimes, I pretend that he — not his sister — is the baby, and I playfully pick him up, rock him or carry him on my hip. That usually gets a giggle from him.

Most importantly for us, though, I’ve found that a big part of nurturing touch means also respecting my son’s desire not to be touched. If he doesn’t want to hug me or if he pushes my hand away when I go to rub his head at bedtime, I listen to him and I don’t take it personally. I understand that it’s not what he needs at that moment and that it’s important for me not to force it. I know that he, like me, is very sensitive to touch and only wants to be touched on his own terms.

I think it’s important for me to at least offer a hug. There are times when he will accept the hug, and even if he doesn’t, I feel that it lets him know that I’m willing to connect with him that way.

I’m sure that as he gets older it will get even harder to connect with him through nurturing touch, but I hope that I can continue to show my love in the ways that he needs.

Using presence to raise independent children

Editor’s note: This post was originally published on Oct. 22, 2008, but it carries a timeless message of the payoffs of giving presence to our children, allowing them to develop independence on their own developmental timeline.

By Kayris Wall of The Great Walls of Baltimore and Mommy, What’s For Dinner?

One day, when my son was a baby, I took him to the grocery store. He started to cry, and as I lifted him out of his car seat, a strange woman walked by. “If you do that every time he cries, he’ll never learn to be independent,” she said over her shoulder.

I was a brand-new mom and hadn’t developed my laser-like Mind Your Own Business stare yet, so I mumbled something about him being hungry. As I watched her walk away, I thought to myself, Is she kidding? He’s only 2 months old. He’s not supposed to be independent!

That baby just turned 4 years old recently, and has been joined by a sister, now almost 2 years old. Sometimes I still think about that stranger in the grocery store. I wish I would run into her again so I could show her my independent, friendly, confident little boy and tell her, “See this? It’s because I’ve always been there for him.”

I’m not claiming to be a perfect parent by any means. I have my strengths and my many, many weaknesses. The most difficult one by far is controlling my quick temper and being patient instead. It’s something I struggle with daily. But if there is one thing that I’m absolutely confident that I’m doing right, it’s that my children know that I’m there for them when they need me.

Until recently, I was primarily a stay-at-home mom. In the beginning, I provided the most basic needs to my infant son. I breastfed him when he was hungry, changed him when he was wet, rocked him to sleep when he was tired. I spent hours just holding him, and he went everywhere with me. It was fun. He was my little buddy. Two years later, our duo expanded when I had another baby, and my son was always there when I nursed, rocked and changed his sister.

Sometimes it was lonely and I felt isolated a lot, but seeing the end result makes it worth it. Beyond feeding and changing and snuggling, I was there when my son brought me an acorn and asked, “What’s this thing?” I was there to bandage their wounds when they fell, help them learn to climb steps, to tie shoes and wipe noses. There were a lot of times when they didn’t need me, but I was there on the sidelines in a benign fashion, just in case they did. When they are grown and look back to the early years of their lives, I hope they’ll always see my presence, even if it’s just as a shadowy figure around the outskirts.

In the past year, I picked up some daytime hours at my part-time job. While I’m working, my mom stays with my children. This past September, my son started preschool three days a week. Both transitions went smoothly; in fact, the separation was harder on me than it was on my kids! But I am convinced that these first years, those times in which I was never far away, helped shape them into independent, adaptable little people and that is why they were just fine was I was suddenly not there. They knew that I would come back.

I’m not advocating that all mothers quit their jobs to become stay-at-home parents. I enjoy my time away, I’m good at my job, and I like what I do. And as my children grow and parenting them becomes more complex, I find that working outside of the home helps make me a better parent. This is partly because I can interact with other adults and gain perspective from other parents, but also because the time that I do have with them is that much more precious. It makes it that much easier to put aside my to-do list and to focus 100% of my attention on them.

My son is thriving in school, and I’m so impressed with the program he is in that I may sign my daughter up for the 3-year-old program next fall. Eventually, both will be in school full time, both will make friends, play sports and not need my presence in the same way that they do now. But it’s okay, because they will both be prepared to go out into the world, knowing that they are loved and cherished. They will be ready. And I will be ready, too.

Second child adjustments, and judgments

As I heard the voices grow louder and the confrontation was escalating, I approached my 9-year-old daughter’s room. She exclaimed at her younger brother: “Ugh… You are so annoying! How is it possible? How am I even related to you?” I was startled by the harsh words.

I understood her frustration. It seems as though her brother, almost three years her junior, has made it his mission in recent weeks to get under her skin. And he succeeded! But I was not pleased with her choice of words. I explained that I understand her frustration and suggested she use other words to express her feelings.

As I turned and walked away, I shook my head and chuckled. She did have a good point: My daughter and her brother were conceived from the same genetic pool and are raised in the same household, yet their personalities are so distinct. I was reminded of the realizations my second child blessed me with.

My daughter was a high-needs baby. Then, around the age of 2 1/2, her fussiness seemed dissipate as she blossomed into a content, independent and cooperative child.

In comparison, my son was an easy-going baby. I thought I had “conquered” parenthood and found the perfect balance between nurturing and discipline. But my son put a deep dent in my thoughts around the age of 2. While my daughter was a determined toddler with the typical tantrums, my son took determination and defiance to a whole new level. He was also physically aggressive. Communicating was not an issue as he used sign language by the age of 6 months and spoke at an early age, so I believe the difference was due to innate tendencies.

Nevertheless, I was not prepared. The parenting approaches that worked so well with my daughter were not effective with my son.

In response to my son’s aggressive manners, my sister said that if she didn’t know us, she would assume that we are aggressive, even physical, in our home. That comment turned on a light bulb for me and I wondered, Are these the kind of judgments people make about my family?

I wasn’t troubled by other people’s opinion of me or my family; I had already endured ample criticism about my parenting style. What bothered and embarrassed me was the notion that I may have been guilty of judging other parents. What I learned is that I ought to reserve assumptions and judgments of other parents. We are all facing challenges and have unique situations.

In nursery school, at a parent-teacher conference, I inquired with my son’s teacher if she witnessed any aggressive behavior. Her face displayed a sense of confusion as if she didn’t understand why this question was brought up. If I could read her mind, she may have thought: What child are you talking about? She responded that he was gentle and never showed aggression toward another child.

Another light bulb turned on: I understood that our parenting approach at home was not effective as his behavior at school and that we had to make changes to see a difference in my son’s behavior at home. We implemented different strategies at home, emphasizing more consistency, boundaries and encouragement. We are still trying to strike the “perfect” approach with our son.

This insight was valuable when my son started Kindergarten, where it was even more evident that my kids’ learning habits, skills and interests are as distinct as their personalities.

Today, when I disclose to my friends who know my son well that he was very physical as a toddler, they display a familiar confused face. This time, that expression puts a smile on my face. I treasure the realizations he led me to:

As parents, we should know better than to cast judgments on other parents, as we are not aware of the situations and circumstances other families are facing nor do they really matter.
As parents of multiple children, we need recognize and embrace that each child has his or her unique personality and needs to be engaged accordingly.

Hay, that was fun!

Editor’s note: This post was originally published on Oct. 21, 2008. As many of Attachment Parenting International’s families live in the Northern Hemisphere, spring is right around the corner and this post fits well with the season.

Many folks know that a dog may be a welcome addition to a family, giving a few years of fun, companionship, and a spotlight . Sadly not all situations are like this, there are many pet and owner relationships that don’t work for several different reasons.

One of these reasons are often a scarcity of research within the initial stages to assist decide which is that the correct breed for your circumstances, then a scarcity of understanding of what’s involved in caring for and training the dog properly. this is often particularly true with the massive dog breeds.

People are often unprepared for the dimensions the puppy grows into as an adult, and also what proportion food, care, space and exercise they have. The dog that I had at my granny house used to eat at least 2 pounds of bella and duke pet food. And my granny ensured that she had the fresh dog food delivery executive deliver on time. Websites like DogGear are the only things preparing the dog owners to getting acclamatised with the changes that dogs go through. Therefore it’s essential that anyone considering one among the massive dog breeds as a possible addition to their family that they are doing their research thoroughly, watching pros and cons and making a well-informed decision. If still you are not ready to get dog breeds or unable to take their care, then you can contact with sell a puppy in sydney, they always have list available for such persons, who are ready to bring a new puppy at home.

Where to Begin:

To help you together with your research choose which is that the best suited of the massive dog breeds for your circumstances there are variety of obtainable resources to assist you. the web is great for this as you’ll find vast numbers of dog breeders, and also sites containing breed information too.

Other options to assist you opt which is that the best suited dog breed for you’re dog books, dog magazines, word of mouth, and your local vet too. an alternative choice is to attend dog shows, the Kennel Club shows run breed-specific and open shows, so you’ll along and see many breeds for yourself beat one location. you’ll even be considering rehoming a rescue dog, again many breeds have their own breed-specific rescue center, otherwise you may have an area animal shelter near you. The best way to know if operating your own rescue is a good match is by volunteering at an animal rescue or shelter. If possible, take on as many different responsibilities as you can. Handle daily operations such as regularly cleaning up after animals, feeding and caring for them. Here is the Jimmy John Success story of animal rescue. Take sick and incoming animals to the veterinarian. Learn to match animals with proper homes. Get involved in planning fundraisers and writing grants. Answer phones and run errands. These are tasks you will likely be responsible for if you operate your own rescue, so it’s ideal to have a solid grasp of what it takes before investing your time and resources.
Obviously you’ll have decided that your own circumstances are suitable and stable to possess a dog. Therefore the knowledge that you simply would have an interest in regarding choosing the proper dog would be, what’s average size, exercise requirements, food requirements, breed temperament and characteristics, and trainability. This information will offer you an honest idea and can contribute towards your decision on which is that the best suited for your circumstances.

Where to Find:

If you’ve got attended a show or two whilst doing all of your research you’ll have already had the chance to talk with dog breeders directly. If not, then the opposite options include the web , you’ll find that a lot of breeders have their own website, or at the very least their contact details listed.

Large dog breeds are an honest source of data regarding breeds and breeders.

However, the foremost important thing is to shop for from an honest and reputable breeder. Avoid puppy farms, or irresponsible breeders, it’s just not worthwhile . There are all kinds of horror stories linked to such places.

A good and reputable breeder will meet with you, discuss your circumstances, and if the litter is already born the breeder they’re going to assist you decide which puppy is showing the characteristics that might suit you best, as not all from an equivalent litter are going to be precisely the same, there’ll vary sexes, perhaps different colors and sizes, bold one, shy one, and so on.

You should even be ready to see the mother of the puppies, and in some cases the daddy too, this may also offer you a thought of how your puppy will end up .

Large Dog Breeds – To Summarise:

Do your homework, check out all aspects, not just the initial purchase, but also the food bills, vet bills, insurance, training, and necessary equipment, etc. Be prepared also for a way much space, exercise and time your dog will need, both as a puppy, then through his development to adulthood.

By doing thorough research which ends up in you making a properly informed decision on the simplest choice of the massive dog breeds for your circumstances, you’ll be within the best position to supply your dog an excellent home and lifestyle for several years, and successively , your dog are going to be an exquisite companion.

Happy Birthday, my daughter!

My Shelly,

So many thoughts and feelings have been circling my mind the past few weeks as my daughter will be reaching a new milestone: She will be turning 10 years old, I have been looking for the perfect birthday gifts for her for a while now.

As cliché as it may sound, it feels like just yesterday you merged into our life. When you arrived to this world, you were tiny at 6 pounds and 17-3/4 inches. Your size didn’t reflect the impact you would make on our lives.

I remember vividly bringing you home from the hospital. Daddy and I walked through the door, carrying you in your car seat, and brought you to your new room. We labored so hard to design it and custom-paint it, just for you. We placed the car seat in the middle of the room and looked around. You made it complete.

Daddy and I shared our life together 9 years before you joined us, and after many challenges, obstacles and one big triumph, you arrived! We couldn’t imagine more love and more light was possible, but you showed us it was.

Saying that “I love you from the bottom of my heart, with every fiber of my being” doesn’t adequately capture how I feel about you as my feelings are far beyond that. I love you not only as my child — my daughter — but also as the being that you are: the beautiful soul that resides inside your body.

For my daughter’s birthday I made her a wonderful cake. Thankfully I took a cake decorating class and learned a lot of tips and trick for that day. I was the best gift I could give her, she loved it.

You remind me of what it was like to be a child. You remind me of my own beautiful childhood. You remind me of what it’s like to have your entire life, your future ahead of you. It makes me want to push harder to achieve my goals — I want to show you it’s all possible.

I want you to be proud of me as your mother, as a woman.

I love that you are so confident, not in the arrogant sense, but in your core. You are content. You are comfortable in your own skin. That’s a gift most people strive to achieve throughout their entire lives.

I love that your heart is always in the right place with good intentions and actions for those around you.

As frustrating as it may be for me, I love that you lose your patience so easily at times when things don’t go your way. It reminds me of my own faults. It makes me look inside and want to improve.

I love your shy, crooked smile. You are not one to seek attention as you are quiet and humble.

I love that you are mature and responsible beyond your age. You make it easy for me to be your mom.

I love that you enjoy spending time with me, just the two of us sharing quiet, precious moments together.

I love that your imagination and creativity run wild. You have a passion for writing and art, and I adore seeing your world through it all.

My beautiful girl, you are 10 years old! How privileged and grateful I feel to be your mom.

I know that as the years will pass, we will face many challenges together. You may not always agree with me. You may not always like me. And I may not always be right. I wish that through it all, we will remain close, open and honest with one another. I hope our bond will always prevail and show us the way. My hopes and dreams for you, my girl, are that you will share your inner beauty and talents with the rest of the world, spread your wings as far as you can and always know that you are loved.

I love you — and beyond! — always and forever,
Mommy