I don’t always have to like you…

My mother used to tell me that she would always love me, but that she didn’t like me very much right then. As a kid, this was a fairly upsetting thing to hear, so I swore, with childlike passion, that I would never utter the same sentiment. I have kept that promise. I have never told my eldest that I didn’t like her. However, I really understand what my mother meant.

I will always love my children, more deeply than I could ever imagine. Parental love in my world, is mandatory. It turns out that liking them all the time is optional.

My daughter is very stubborn. She refuses to give an inch when she is sure she is in the right. I know this character trait is admirable, and it will hold her in good stead down the road. However, it comes with a lot of behaviors I don’t like. I don’t like it when she refuses to clean her room, or put her dishes in the sink, or do her homework before the morning it is due. These behaviors I don’t like.

There is a difference between not liking someone and not liking their actions. My husband constantly reminds me of this, and I believe him. However, it’s hard to remind myself of that fine line when my daughter’s back is sullenly turned to me when I am trying to explain my feelings about her behavior. She doesn’t always treat me with respect, and it’s hard to like someone who clearly feels nothing you have to say is important.

I am discovering that love, even the boundless love I feel for my children, doesn’t equal admiration, or liking. My hardest parenting moment was the moment I realized I was feeling actual dislike for my child, the child I love so fiercely. It just never occurred to me that I could not like my kids, even for a moment.

It doesn’t seem to fit in the AP ideal, the reality that this person you grew and birthed will act in ways that make you dislike them. It certainly isn’t in the guidelines anywhere. I believe it is one of the things no one wants to talk about, because how could good parents not like their kids? I think it should be talked about, and I think AP principles will help me reach out to my children and let them know I love them, even when I don’t like them.

For example, I try to treat my daughter with respect, even when she doesn’t treat me respectfully. I try to listen to her arguments, and explain that I heard them, but have to proceed with the plan despite them. I try to explain my parenting actions, and not rely too much on “because I said so.” If I fail in remaining calm and rational, I try to apologize for losing my cool and yelling, because it’s the respectful thing to do.

I try to make sure that I tell my daughter I love her, even when her actions are making it hard for me to like her. I try my best to hug her after we have argued, and after a consequence has been given, even if all I want to do is go into the other room and bang my head against the wall until I pass out.

I try to let her know, even when her behavior is such that I have trouble liking her, that my love for her is boundless and eternal.

Misty Ewegen writes about motherhood, the environment, politics, law, and photography at Law and Motherhood.

I don’t always have to like you…

My mother used to tell me that she would always love me, but that she didn’t like me very much right then. As a kid, this was a fairly upsetting thing to hear, so I swore, with childlike passion, that I would never utter the same sentiment. I have kept that promise. I have never told my eldest that I didn’t like her. However, I really understand what my mother meant.

I will always love my children, more deeply than I could ever imagine. Parental love in my world, is mandatory. It turns out that liking them all the time is optional.

My daughter is very stubborn. She refuses to give an inch when she is sure she is in the right. I know this character trait is admirable, and it will hold her in good stead down the road. However, it comes with a lot of behaviors I don’t like. I don’t like it when she refuses to clean her room, or put her dishes in the sink, or do her homework before the morning it is due. These behaviors I don’t like.

There is a difference between not liking someone and not liking their actions. My husband constantly reminds me of this, and I believe him. However, it’s hard to remind myself of that fine line when my daughter’s back is sullenly turned to me when I am trying to explain my feelings about her behavior. She doesn’t always treat me with respect, and it’s hard to like someone who clearly feels nothing you have to say is important.

I am discovering that love, even the boundless love I feel for my children, doesn’t equal admiration, or liking. My hardest parenting moment was the moment I realized I was feeling actual dislike for my child, the child I love so fiercely. It just never occurred to me that I could not like my kids, even for a moment.

It doesn’t seem to fit in the AP ideal, the reality that this person you grew and birthed will act in ways that make you dislike them. It certainly isn’t in the guidelines anywhere. I believe it is one of the things no one wants to talk about, because how could good parents not like their kids? I think it should be talked about, and I think AP principles will help me reach out to my children and let them know I love them, even when I don’t like them.

For example, I try to treat my daughter with respect, even when she doesn’t treat me respectfully. I try to listen to her arguments, and explain that I heard them, but have to proceed with the plan despite them. I try to explain my parenting actions, and not rely too much on “because I said so.” If I fail in remaining calm and rational, I try to apologize for losing my cool and yelling, because it’s the respectful thing to do.

I try to make sure that I tell my daughter I love her, even when her actions are making it hard for me to like her. I try my best to hug her after we have argued, and after a consequence has been given, even if all I want to do is go into the other room and bang my head against the wall until I pass out.

I try to let her know, even when her behavior is such that I have trouble liking her, that my love for her is boundless and eternal.

Misty Ewegen writes about motherhood, the environment, politics, law, and photography at Law and Motherhood.

I don’t always have to like you…

My mother used to tell me that she would always love me, but that she didn’t like me very much right then. As a kid, this was a fairly upsetting thing to hear, so I swore, with childlike passion, that I would never utter the same sentiment. I have kept that promise. I have never told my eldest that I didn’t like her. However, I really understand what my mother meant.

I will always love my children, more deeply than I could ever imagine. Parental love in my world, is mandatory. It turns out that liking them all the time is optional.

My daughter is very stubborn. She refuses to give an inch when she is sure she is in the right. I know this character trait is admirable, and it will hold her in good stead down the road. However, it comes with a lot of behaviors I don’t like. I don’t like it when she refuses to clean her room, or put her dishes in the sink, or do her homework before the morning it is due. These behaviors I don’t like.

There is a difference between not liking someone and not liking their actions. My husband constantly reminds me of this, and I believe him. However, it’s hard to remind myself of that fine line when my daughter’s back is sullenly turned to me when I am trying to explain my feelings about her behavior. She doesn’t always treat me with respect, and it’s hard to like someone who clearly feels nothing you have to say is important.

I am discovering that love, even the boundless love I feel for my children, doesn’t equal admiration, or liking. My hardest parenting moment was the moment I realized I was feeling actual dislike for my child, the child I love so fiercely. It just never occurred to me that I could not like my kids, even for a moment.

It doesn’t seem to fit in the AP ideal, the reality that this person you grew and birthed will act in ways that make you dislike them. It certainly isn’t in the guidelines anywhere. I believe it is one of the things no one wants to talk about, because how could good parents not like their kids? I think it should be talked about, and I think AP principles will help me reach out to my children and let them know I love them, even when I don’t like them.

For example, I try to treat my daughter with respect, even when she doesn’t treat me respectfully. I try to listen to her arguments, and explain that I heard them, but have to proceed with the plan despite them. I try to explain my parenting actions, and not rely too much on “because I said so.” If I fail in remaining calm and rational, I try to apologize for losing my cool and yelling, because it’s the respectful thing to do.

I try to make sure that I tell my daughter I love her, even when her actions are making it hard for me to like her. I try my best to hug her after we have argued, and after a consequence has been given, even if all I want to do is go into the other room and bang my head against the wall until I pass out.

I try to let her know, even when her behavior is such that I have trouble liking her, that my love for her is boundless and eternal.

Misty Ewegen writes about motherhood, the environment, politics, law, and photography at Law and Motherhood.

Stepping outside of the box AKA Talking for a teddy bear

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During the past four years of my attachment parenting journey, I sometimes find myself in situations, especially with regard to discipline, that require me to step outside the box and out of my comfort zone.

A few months ago I was trying to get Ava, almost 4 years old at the time, to sleep. She had had a long day and was simply exhausted, so much so that every little thing was setting her off into a puddle of tears. I was getting frustrated because it seemed nothing I could do was right (in her eyes). Logically, I knew that she was acting this way because she was so tired and had passed the point of no return, but still I felt my frustration growing inside me.

She sat on the bed, slumped over crying and complaining about anything and everything imaginable and I wondered how could I get her to give in to her exhaustion and just lay down. I realized that reasoning with her wouldn’t work at this point. She was too far gone for that. I felt like yelling because my frustration was getting worse and worse – after all, I had things to do too and I didn’t want to spend all of my night trying to get her to sleep – but I knew that wasn’t going to help matters either.

Finally I decided what I really needed to do was take a deep breath, step outside of my comfort zone, grab a stuffed animal and start talking to her as the animal. Talking to Ava via a stuffed animal is a parenting “tool” my husband and I had used with success in the past, though not lately and, given the circumstances, I wasn’t sure how it would fly.

She has a bear named Roger who I always imagine talks with a Southern drawl and is good at cheering her up when she’s down, so Roger was the bear for the job. After a few seconds of talking as Roger, Ava stopped crying and began responding back to him, telling him what was going on with her. Although she couldn’t have done that for me, her mommy, she could do it for an impartial furry third party. 😉

Roger’s silly antics soon had Ava giggling and then he was able to talk her into laying down on her bed, relaxing and getting ready to sleep. As the bear said his good nights to Ava and me, Ava said her good nights in return and was soon calm enough to drift off to sleep.

As I left her room I couldn’t help but feel very proud of myself. I can’t claim to always respond well or the “right” way to every situation, but that night I put my pride and frustration aside and did what Ava needed to help her relax and get to sleep. Had I let my frustration overcome me there’s a good chance it would’ve taken me at least another 30-45 minutes and many more tears (probably on both of our parts) before she was asleep. But by tuning into her needs, letting go of all that I “needed” to get done, stepping outside of my comfort zone, and throwing in a little goofiness, I was able to get her to sleep calmly in much less time. And let’s face it, isn’t goofiness a prerequisite for becoming a parent? No? Well, it should be. The world just might be a happier place.

Amy Gates blogs about green living, attachment parenting, activism and photography at Crunchy Domestic Goddess.

Urgent – Two serious recalls this week

I have been watching CPSC recalls for about four years now (you know, ever since I became a parent) and this is the first one I remember that was issued due to the tragic death of a child. In the case of the Simplicity bassinet pictured here, two infants died as a result of slipping between the metal bars of the unit. If you have a bassinet like this, please read the full text of the CPSC recall and stop using the bassinet immediately until you can verify whether it is one of the recalled models.

This week, the CPSC and Optave Inc. also issued a joint recall of Optave’s Action Baby Carriers due to reports that the chest strap can detach, posing a fall hazard. Again, you can read the full text of the recall, and see pictures of the carriers, on the CPSC’s web site. Please spread the word about this important safety information.

Be Selfish: Finding Balance in Your Life

For busy families, fitting one more thing into your day might seem impossible, but adding something extra every day will actually revitalize and refresh you.

After fighting his way home through traffic, an exhausted dad arrives at home ready to put his feet up. At the door, he meets the also exhausted mom holding a crying toddler, ready to hand over the kids and have her body back for a little while. They both need a break. They have both spent the day meeting the needs of others.

Modern life is fast-paced and heavily scheduled. There are jobs to report to, meals to prepare, soccer carpools to drive, groceries to buy, bills to pay, gardens to care for, and lawns to mow. There’s diapers to wash and toilets to scrub, crayon on the wall, and fourteen dirty baby outfits to launder each day. It’s stressful. It takes a lot of mental energy to cope with all of the demands of our jobs and families, let alone our friends and relatives.

Strive for a healthy balance in your life.

We have to take time for ourselves. When we get stressed, we can’t fully nurture our loved ones or connect with them on a deep level. On the airplane, the flight attendant teaches us that in an emergency, we should first put our own oxygen mask on, and then we put the mask on our child. If we pass out first, we will be of no help to our child. We can’t take care of others if we aren’t first taking care of ourselves. The classic mom (or dad) burn-out is someone who takes care of everyone else’s needs first, trying to be everything to everybody, putting herself last, and then being stressed out both physically and emotionally because of it.

If we can add one more thing to our daily schedule, we can come to our relationships and obligations with a fresh attitude and a renewed sense of purpose. Exactly what that one thing is, only you can know. It’s different for everybody.

We are not just parents and partners.

We are artists and writers, cyclists and runners, quilters and woodcarvers. We have passions and interests that extend beyond the family, but we may be out of touch with that side of ourselves if we’ve spent all of our time meeting the needs of others and putting our-self last.

Think about the activities and interests that you enjoyed as a kid. Do any of these still pull you? Why not start again? It really does all come back to you.

If you’re stumped, maybe you need to start the process by just being physically active every day. Get that bike out of the garage and go for a ride. Pick up a jump rope and start spinning. Go to the pool and do some laps. I always find that when I get my heart pumping, my brain gets quiet. This lets me listen a little deeper to what’s going on inside me. I can see clearly which things in my life I need to change, and when I’m “back to the world”, I can use those intuitions to guide me in my daily life. With decades of experience and endless satisfied residential and commercial clients, Steel-Line is that the go-to company for Quality Garage Doors Melbourne. They’ve been recognized for our innovation throughout the industry, receiving several awards for our quality service and results. Steel-Line prides ourselves on building genuine and long-lasting relationships with our clients. Their friendly and honest service allows us to succeed in and surpass expectations.They work closely with our clients to make a custom product that’s tailored to satisfy their individual style and wishes. Their excellent craftsmanship and dedicated attention to detail ensures they deliver unsurpassable quality results for every and each one among our clients.Not only can they assist you find the right garage door for you; they also offer further assistance by providing installation, maintenance and garage door repairs, supporting you long after you’ve got purchased your garage door.

Some days, the easiest way to get my personal time is by riding my bike to work, and then taking a longish detour on the way home. I ride until all of my job-related stress melts away, and by the time that I get home, I’m ready to take over the kid department while my wife gets a workout in, or a sewing project finished, or goes for a bike ride for herself. We’re both taken care of: I’ve got my ya-yas out, my partner gets to focus on herself for awhile, and the kids (and our marriage) benefit.

Take some personal time every day, even if it’s only 15 minutes. Set aside work and family and social obligations to follow your heart. Sit and meditate. Work on your yoga practice. Do a puzzle. Go for a run. Start a blog. Nurturing yourself plays a huge part in finding and maintaining a healthy balance in your life.

Take time for you.

Your spouse and kids will appreciate it.

(Image Credit: cpt.spock on Flickr.)

Derek blogs about fatherhood, life with toddlers, green living, and other random goodness at Natural Father.

Feeleez – An Empathy Game for Children

This summer my boys (4-1/2 and 2 years old) and I had the opportunity to play with a wonderful game titled “Feeleez”, from the Natural Parenting Center. The game was so much fun and appropriate for AP families that I wanted to share my thoughts about it with you.

Anxiously we opened the small metal box, and found 25 pairs of 2×2″cards. Pairs of cards sport drawings of children, each expressing different emotions. Some emotions are very clearly conveyed and others are a bit ambiguous. The ambiguous cards allowed my children to creatively identify what they saw in each drawing. The ambiguous cards foster creative expression and leave room for my children to grow with the game as their vocabulary, intellect and emotions mature such as this online Team Murder Mystery Game for kids and teens.

It was helpful that the Natural Parenting Center does not leave their consumers without direction. They included a list of various games that can be played with just this one little box of cards. We played the “Matching Game”, and “What’s This”. To play “What’s This” we all took turns stating what we thought each person on the card was feeling and what might have made the person feel that way. It was intriguing to learn what my children felt might make someone else sad, happy, frustrated, sick etc. This opened the opportunity to ask them if they had felt those feelings and in what situations.

This created a terrific opportunity to learn more about what their emotional triggers were and what situations and events affected them in a positive, negative, ambivalent, or confusing way. We also sorted the cards into more general categories, which my youngest enjoyed the most. These were only three of the many games that the “Feeleez” insert outlined. They also suggested playing Charades, Body Sensations (where you pick one of the cards and then you all take turns describing what the feeling might feel like, where it might live in your body, what color it is, etc.), Conflict Resolution, Offering Empathy, and Mirroring.

When you purchase “Feeleez” you not only gets nine games for $20.00 but it creates an amazing opportunity to teach and learn with your child about empathy and understanding. The part I loved the most was hearing from my children why they thought some of the little people were happy, sad or frustrated etc. “Feeleez” elicited emotion in us that ranged from poignantly introspective to downright comical.

Feeleez is directly compatible with API’s Principles “Respond with Sensitivity” and “Practice Positive Discipline”. It is also highly complimentary for those who practice non-violent communication. Another appealing aspect about The Natural Parenting Center garnering my support is their socially conscious business practices. A couple of examples related to “Feeleez” is that the cards are made from recycled materials and printed with soy based ink.

I am pleased to say that I would highly recommend this game to other AP families and feel that it is a much needed tool when it comes to learning about empathy and compassion in a fun, engaging and enlightening way.

Feeleez – An Empathy Game For Children
$20.00 if you purchase from the Natural Parenting Center
Appropriate for ages 2+

API Speaks announces its first AP Blog Carnival!

Last Thursday, Attachment Parenting International officially declared the month of October Attachment Parenting Month (read full release). This year’s theme of “Giving Our Children Presence” is such an important one that we at API Speaks have chosen it for the topic of our first ever AP Blog Carnival.

On October 1, we’ll post a carnival kick-off, complete with Mr Linky, so that you can participate in the carnival with your post on the topic of giving your child(ren) presence. Then, on October 15, we’ll do a carnival wrap-up, announce November’s topic, and link to everyone who participated. Spread the word about AP, and about API Speaks’ first blog carnival!