Respond with Sensitivity – Page 50

The Advocate

I’ve been trying to impress upon my college students that details make all the difference. It’s the finest details that I couldn’t see that day: the tears on my 7-year-old son’s face. I had forgotten to wear my glasses. I have pretty good vision, but the lines blur at distances. I could see his brown sweatpants among all the black running in circles on the soccer field, but I couldn’t see his face. My husband and I had signed him up for indoor soccer at his request. He tells us he likes it and wants to keep playing even though he spends very little time actually playing. He starts out engaged; however, by the last quarter, he spins, crawls, dances around the field and occasionally accidentally kicks the ball. I’m not sure how much he’s getting out of it, but as long as he continues to enjoy it, we’ll support him playing.

Last week, he rotated out of the game as usual. The children who were waiting their turn to play stood behind a white wall masking all but the tallest players. A few minutes later, the door swung open and my little guy stepped back onto the field and walked slowly to his position. He didn’t move. All I could see was him standing there wiping his arm across the middle of his face. I couldn’t see his face, just his arm pushing on where I knew his glasses were. The entire field of players ran past him, but he just kept standing there. They swept past him again, he stood still, forearm across his nose. I looked at my husband, “What’s he doing?” He replied, “I don’t know, but I’m going down.” Parents aren’t usually allowed down in the player area, so I watched my husband from the stands on the second level above the field. I strained to see my son’s face. My husband talked with the coach then called my son back to the sidelines. A new player was released.
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Interview Series: Kelly Bartlett

Today I have a real treat for you: an interview with API Speaks contributing blogger Kelly Bartlett! Kelly is the first of our bloggers who are opening up and answering questions. I’ve been reading API Speaks for a long time now and am so excited to get to know all the contributors better. Read on to find out more about Kelly, her journey to AP through a “high needs” baby, and more about her gorgeous family of 4.

Tell us about your family.

I grew up in Chicago and my husband, John, is from Whitefish, Montana. We met at St. Olaf College in Northfield, MN, and now we love living in beautiful Portland, Oregon. I was a high school biology teacher before our 2 kids were born and I stopped working to stay home with them full-time ever since. Our son JJ is 4 1/2 and our daughter Elia is 6, and they are complete opposites! The phases we went through with one we didn’t go through with the other, and vice versa. Between the two of them we are learning first-hand just how different kids can be.

With you from Illinois and your husband from Montana, how did you end up in Portland? I hear that it is a very pro-AP city, do you find that to be true?

We moved out here several years ago for John’s job, and this city has been a great fit for us in many ways…the most recent being our parenting journey. There are lots of AP families here, which is so nice. Just going out in public it’s not uncommon to see several breastfeeding and baby-wearing moms & dads, so it’s easy to meet like-minded parents, even when we’re not at an API meeting! Although I wouldn’t say the majority of Portland parents practice AP, I think it’s more common here than in other places I’ve lived.
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Empowering infants as people

So many of our parenting practices, I realize, have to do with treating our baby (6.5 months this week) like a full-fledged person, with the same rights and preferences as her parents. While it may seem weird to the masses, drawing harsh lines between adults and babies doesn’t give our babies enough credit.

For example, we practice Elimination Communication (EC). The philosophy underpinning this practice is that infants are aware – from birth – of their need to eliminate – and prefer to do so in a way that keeps them dry and comfortable, as do we. This understanding ultimately gave way to the stay-dry disposable diaper, but a much simpler solution is available. We simply monitor our child carefully for signs of needing to eliminate, as we would for signs of hunger. Thus, dd gets to go to the potty, just like her parents do.

Another example – sleeping in a real bed alongside family members. One might argue that asking a baby to spend the night alone is asking them to be mature beyond their years. Personally, I don’t enjoy spending the night alone, and I’m in my 30s. Why should my newborn have to do it?

Another way we resist infantiaizing our infant is baby-led weaning. While many of her peers are being fed bland “enriched” rice cereal and mashed foods, our baby is making choices between the foods her parents are eating, within reason. We acknowledge dd’s limited capacity to chew by providing foods that are soft enough for her to manage – roasted vegetables, hummus and fruits. For me to tell her she needs to consume – much less finish – a food that I wouldn’t touch seems absurd.

Finally, there’s discipline. Who decided that little people have less right to dignity than their elders? This idea is so dominant that I find myself retraining myself and dd’s caretakers – not to tell her to stop crying (it’s our job to soothe and assist, not repress), not to tell her what to say, even in the context of learning essentials like basic vocab or please and thank you, etc.

Sometimes it feels like an uphill battle, but the benefits are enormous. In respecting my child’s dignity and humanness, I reaffirm my own. I find I have greater access to compassion as a result of these practices. And I have my daughter to thank for that.

Subtle Snuggle Hints

Usually, when we sit in the living room, I am on the couch between both kids either reading to them or watching TV with them or commenting on their sword-fighting moves; whatever we are doing I am engaged. But last night I was sitting in a chair with my laptop, only half-present. I had my head down and was typing when JJ wandered over and said matter-of-factly, “Mom, if you ever need someone to snuggle with, I will. I will snuggle with you.”

I replied, “OK, thanks,” and continued typing. At which point JJ placed his 2 little hands flat on either of my cheeks and turned my face toward his so he could look right into my eyes and our noses were not quite touching. “DO you need someone to snuggle with you?”

Oh, got it. “Yes! I do. Right now please.” He presently climbed onto the back of the chair and draped himself across my shoulders, sucking his thumb and twirling my hair. I put the laptop down and was present once again.

Potty Eye

“Mama, you have pee on your glasses,” is just one more thing I never expected to hear in this lifetime. Parenthood offers many opportunities.

Our latest is potty learning. Just so you know, that term drove me crazy for a while too, the PCness of it as opposed to the much more familiar “potty training.” What I’m finding, however, is that potty learning is actually much more accurate. The multitude of things one must learn about using a toilet was beyond my understanding.

Explaining to my (then) three-year-old that when he wakes up to pee and has an erection, he actually has to touch his penis while he pees. “Use your finger and push it down or the pee goes between the toilet seat and the bowl. Aim for the water. Yes you can do it without peeing on your fingers.” In the meantime, pee is covering his hand, leaking between the tank and seat, and I catch a whiff of urine as I step into the shower every morning.

The peeing in the potty thing started with trying to use kid potties but Cavanaugh didn’t like them. Neither did I, frankly. The mess of peeing into a plastic contraption, and not arcing urine over the top, was challenge enough. Add to that the likelihood that I would spill said pee on my way to pour it in the toilet and I was not a fan, so I decided to search online how to remove the smell of the urine, and I found an entire guide, I recommend you to try these recommendations were definitely a relief for me.
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Good and Bad – what’s in a name?

As a new parent, I’ve begun to notice interesting terminology used by parents and other observers of children. Today I was given a compliment – “you have such a good baby!” Translation: My baby sat quietly during our moms group meeting, looking around contentedly and smiling at babies and moms in the room.

While I’m pleased that my daughter was able to bring joy to those around her, I also reject the premise of the compliment.

Why? To say that a baby is good when she’s happy implies, also, that she’s bad when she’s unhappy.

What our culture begins to communicate, from the first day of life, is that “positive” emotions are acceptable and welcome, and “negative” emotions are unacceptable and unwelcome.

Very few of us are immune to such judgments in our ‘civilized’ society.

How do these judgments affect us?

Many of us have learned to keep “negative” emotions – anger, resentment, frustration, jealousy, discontent – bottled inside. Some of us have become such experts at this practice that we are unaware of the nature or depth of our authentic emotional state.

Many outwardly successful members of society go through life seeking to please others, choosing paths perceived as acceptable in order not to fall out of favor with others.

This pervasive practice of people pleasing (for short, the four p’s) is a recipe for disaster. Not only are we doomed to fail at a life whose goal is to satisfy others – whose minds we can’t read – but even if we were to succeed, we would be failing ourselves.

Takeaways for parents?
Be aware of our language. Even by praising our children, we may invalidate their right to ‘negative’ emotions. Our children are healthier when we enable them to experience life’s highs and lows – with proper support and guidance, of course. Pretending the lows aren’t there doesn’t make them go away; it just sends them deeper underground, doomed for explosion or implosion.

Takeaways for the rest of the population?
We are not good when we are happy and bad when we are down. We are simply experiencing the natural spectrum of emotions as part of our human experience. When we take the time to appreciate all of our experiences, they will have far less power over us, thus increasing our capacity for true joy and contentment.

The Absolute Child

I liked this analogy I read today…about thinking of a child’s behavior not in terms of “positive” or “negative”, but as an absolute.

:: The Absolute Value of Your Child ::

If you were forced to study algebra when you were a teenager, it probably didn’t occur to you that it would one day come in handy as a metaphor for unconditional love. But here it is…In mathematics, the “absolute value” of a number is its *magnitude* regardless of whether it’s positive or negative. So the numbers +50 and -50 have the same absolute value: 50.Likewise, practicing the Art of Unconditionality often means disregarding the negative interpretations of a condition or behavior and finding a way to see it in a positive light. For example:

* Whether your child says “I love you” or “I hate you,” you can appreciate the magnitude of her expressiveness and emotional honesty.

* Whether your child rebels or complies with your wishes, you can appreciate his absolute freedom of choice.

Today as you observe your child, if you see any “negative” behavior then ask yourself, “What is this telling me about the ‘absolute value’ of my child?”

~Scott Noellle

The Daily Groove

It may be kind of abstract, but it’s a good challenge for me: try to take away the negative connotation of my kids’ taxing behavior. Rather than get bogged down with what should be; how my child should behave, I can accept what is. If I can do that, I can see who my children are and focus on finding effective ways to help them succeed when their behavior is less than ideal. When I get caught up in the shoulds and should nots, I lose sight of my kids’ developmental capabilities and subsequent limitations, both emotionally and cognitively.

Even if their behavior is exemplary, it’s still intriguing to think about taking away that “positive” label and getting down to the absolute: who my child is. My child is thoughtful. My child is caring. My child notices when someone else is in distress and considers the reasons why. My child can also sit still through a meal in a restaurant and hold my hand in a parking lot. Is that “good” behavior? I know I sure appreciate it, but it’s no better than the behavior of my child lashing out verbally as a means of emotional expression. It just is. My children recognize their own feelings enough to know how to express them in an age-appropriate way.

All the behavior I’ve seen in my children has come into our lives in a timely manner (developmentally speaking), and it will depart just the same. In the meantime, I can disregard the Positive and Negative labels, and consider each “absolute” child. I can challenge myself to forget the shoulds and should nots, and just accept my children for who they are in every stage of their development!

To Detach Him without Detaching

My son has reached 2 1/2. Okay, so we have a few days left but it is almost here. It is scaring me a little. I can’t believe he is growing up so fast. He is making huge leaps in his development lately; his vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds and he is growing like crazy. He is now looking like a little boy and not the baby that I know so well. He is demanding, creative, tiring and inspiring in all kinds of new ways.

Our most recent dilemma has to do with carrying him everywhere. He now weighs about 30 pounds and I just can’t handle carrying him all of the time anymore. I would like to but my back is starting to protest. I am not talking about just carrying him in to a store or anything like that I mean carrying him while we are in the store and holding him while I am chatting with someone for 20 minutes, things like that. It is killing me. He also wants me to hold him at home a lot of the time. I was in so much pain at bedtime just the other evening and told my husband that I had no idea why, I thought back over my day and realized that I had been carrying my son on and off all day long. I realized that this has got to stop. For the both of us. It is time that I detach him. I do not mean detach from him. He is still my little boy, he needs me, he needs my affection and he needs to be physically close to me multiple times during the day but we are taking some steps to ensure that it is comfortable for the both of us but let me tell you this particular “detachment” process is not easy!

Yesterday we were in town and every time I had my little man walk (holding my hand) he would cry and ask me to carry him. I would smile reassuringly and tell him that he was a big boy and he could hold my hand but he needed to walk on his own. It was not a very relaxing trip to say the least.

All day today my son has wanted me to carry him or stand there holding him for no particular reason. I have had to explain to him that I love him very much and he can feel free to hold on to my leg and I will give him hugs and if he needs to sit with me we can find a place to sit for a while but that he is a big boy now and mommy can’t hold him all of the time. Crying ensues and I take a deep breath as the irritation rises in me and remind myself that this is a whole new step for the both of us, we are having to “detach” in a healthy way without detaching emotionally and without removing the comfort of physical affection, we are just having to move it in to an arena that is comfortable for mom and encourages mini man to grow.