Category: General Interest

In a strange land…

Imagine you’ve just had done some dental implants in Chicago. Your deadened nerves make your mouth droop on one side. You’re drooling, but you don’t know you’re drooling because you can’t feel your face. Your tongue feels like it doesn’t quite fit in your mouth. For more tips, you can refer to this site.

And then, the phone rings. Someone’s calling about that job you’ve had your eye on, or the hard-to-reach medical billing department has just one more question to resolve the expensive mistake on your statement. You try to respond. You carefully coordinate your mouth muscles, but it’s useless. As much as you try to form words, they just don’t come out right. After a few tries, you start to sense frustration in the voice on the other end. The other person makes a snide comment before giving up and hanging up.

Imagine hiking in a new place, exploring as you go. You’ve just discovered the most fascinating artifact. You climb a few rocks to get a closer look. You’re able to reach it, touch it, marvel at it. Then suddenly, someone twice your size appears out of nowhere, pries it out of your fingers and hides it, for no apparent reason. He mumbles something in another language, and disappears.

Imagine dozing off after reading your child’s favorite book about giants. You start to dream about wandering around a strange, large world built for giants. The stairs come to your waist, you can barely peer over the dining table, and your drinking glass is the size and weight of a landscape planter. You spend your day trying to navigate this world, only to find that you’re constantly falling, running into things, breaking things, and spilling things.

Now, imagine these annoying obstacles are here to stay for a while. And imagine every time you make a mistake, a policeman pops out of nowhere, starts barking through a bullhorn and whacks you on the rear with a billy club.

Am I that far off from the way a young child experiences life?

The next time our frustration starts to peak, let’s try to remember how new, complicated, fascinating and big this world seems through the eyes of our little ones.

I am not raising obedient children…

...nor do I want to. Not that I would rather have disobedient kids, but…actually that’s closer to the truth. What?! (You say.) What crazy parent would want this?

To me, the word “obedient” has such a negative connotation when used in reference to raising children. It literally means to obey. As in, orders.

Is that what parenting is? Ordering our children through their youth? I guess it would be nice if my kids followed my orders just because I said so. Put your toys away. Eat this food. Find new friends. Date this person, not that person. Take this job, not that one. Have your first child by this date. Buy a house at this random location on the map, just because I said so.

If we are teaching our kids to be “obedient,” at what point do we stop ordering them around? And what if there’s a strong reason not to obey someone’s order? A “good“ child — one who is taught to be obedient — might not have the forethought to see a situation through.

I don’t want children who obey without hesitation. I want children who can think for themselves, recognize and listen to their feelings and instincts and respond appropriately.

What I mean when I say I’d rather my kids be “dis”obedient is really more like be deliberate. I want my kids to think about what they’re doing, assess the situations they’re in and make internally motivated decisions. I don’t want them to do things just because I said so — though I know that with the number and types of interactions I have with my kids at their current ages of 4 and 6 years old, doing things because I said so would certainly be nice sometimes. All of the questioning, reasoning, arguing and explaining I hear after a simple request does get time-consuming and tiring.

But I appreciate the thought my kids put into their explanations to not do something I ask. Raising non-obedient kids will become very important in several years when they are out alone — maybe with friends or maybe truly on their own; in either case, without parents — and must evaluate an emotionally or physically risky situation. They need to be able to recognize their feelings, appreciate the significance of those feelings, and trust their instincts to make a considerate and educated decision, a fitting decision — not an obedient decision.

Getting out of the mindset that children need to obey parents “because we say so” and instead developing a mutually respectful relationship that inspires independent thinking will be hugely beneficial for my kids and our family in about 10 years.  As aggravating as some situations at this point in time, I will gladly take this challenge on now rather than later.

Safety and Security

Until we strongly address the root causes of hatred, the world is simply not a safer place. Feelings and actions related to arrogance and hatred do not abate with force, they only grow. Still, our proclamations of a safer world clearly show how much we desire to trust and live peaceably among each other.

This is why it is imperative that our time, attention, and resources be targeted–or at least not neglected to the degree that they are in our greater society–at what causes young people to be blindly swayed or coerced into destructive movements for a sense of belonging, love, and duty. To make the world a safer place, rather, it is raising our adults from very young ages with compassion, strength, confidence, love and empathy for everyone, not just their own. It is how we raise our children, how we treat our children and foster secure attachments, how we model love and compassion to them everyday as they grow into adults that truly changes the world. And it is these very origins of empathy and compassion, when fostered, that mediate the symptoms and pathways of violence and hatred: poverty, injustice, and inequality.
 
Vitally connected is how we support and inform those who are raising children, the parents, grandparents, and other caregivers. We must work to allay the stress and challenges of making a livelihood that make quality and intentional parenting a struggle. We need to value these mothers, fathers, grandparents, and caregivers and equip them with ongoing support, excellent and useful information, and encouragement and recognition for the important work they are doing. We need to raise awareness about attachment parenting.
 
This is why I believe so passionately in the work of Attachment Parenting International, carrying out this mission for the past 17 years: “To educate and support all parents in raising secure, joyful and empathic children in order to strengthen families and create a more compassionate world.” We cling to various strategies and programs to get at the solution to violence in the world, yet I believe it is by engaging in work like API’s and helping API exponentially reach more families that we could make the most difference.

For me, the questioning that arises regarding achieving a safer, more secure world invariably brings me to the importance of putting our energy into helping our children feel secure, loved, and loving from birth through adulthood. The Peace Corps idealism I have has not left me–I see a generation with a new empathy, a secure world for each person, for everyone brought about by parent heroes.

Not So Easy to Define AP to Some Parents

Tonight, I’m going to a parenting class at the request of the facilitator because, as he sees it, I will be able to add some interesting discussion about the topic of parenting. I reluctantly agreed to go, to at least try out the first day of this series.

I am hesitant because, as I told him, I don’t want to get stuck in some AP-bashing session. But I finally agreed, after he spent much time trying to persuade me, because I believe that I may be able to help some parents look at my “different” approach to parenting with new eyes.

See, most parents around my hometown know my children as very well-behaved kids. But they don’t really know my parenting style, because being a stay-at-home parent, most of my parenting style is done privately, in my home. The folks around here only see me and the kids out for brief periods of time, such as at church, the grocery store, the bank or the doctor’s office.

They don’t know that Attachment Parenting (AP) really isn’t for the light of heart. I say this because AP can’t be done half-heartedly and that it really is an intensive, holistic approach to parenting compared to some parenting styles.

I know that tonight’s parenting class is going to center on discipline, for the most part, and the facilitator is very interested in my sharing about positive discipline and how it can be done without spanking or punitive timeouts.

But what he doesn’t know is that AP is about much more than positive discipline, that when I talk to parents about discipline I don’t stop at redirection and teaching. I’m very forthcoming that my parenting approach – and therefore positive discipline – encompasses all areas of parenting.

We know AP as Attachment Parenting International’s Eight Principles of Parenting. To a newcomer to AP, the fact that there are eight parts to this parenting approach can simply be overwhelming.

People start researching parenting styles and approaches, going to classes and reading books, often because they’re looking for something different from what they’re doing. Something isn’t working, and they’re looking to tweak.

Those who finally embrace AP have come to the realization that there is no quick fix – that parenting is very much a multi-faceted program, that as parents you have to be involved in every aspect of that child’s life – from discipline to nurturing touch, from feeding with respect to consistent care, from responding with sensitivity to family balance, and so on.

Some parents don’t want to hear this. They don’t want to know that to change their child’s behavior, they have to do all this other stuff that they see has nothing to do with discipline.

If parenting was easy, we wouldn’t need books and experts and classes. There wouldn’t be all this confusion in our culture as to what the best parenting approach is. What makes parenting hard, in actuality, is the conflict it creates in parents trying to find balance in their lives.

Both our needs for balance and our children’s needs to be nurtured need to be met, but not at the expense of one another. Our children need a lot of attention. Discipline isn’t the answer to well-behaved kids; attention is.

Teaching environmental responsibility

Editor’s note: Happy Earth Day 2015! While this post was originally published on April 26, 2011, it’s a good reminder of how Attachment Parenting dovetails with teaching the next generation about caring for our communities and planet.

5623106272_c4ecb7be77Today is Earth Day, which means that many of us are thinking about our environmental footprint. My 2-year-old Jacob is totally oblivious to all of the talk about saving the planet, but my 6-year-old Hannah is very interested.

She’s picking up cues from school and the media, and every day she asks me how one or more of our activities impact the planet. I do my best to answer honestly, in a way that she’ll understand.

As I talk to Hannah about how our actions impact the planet, I’ve been reflecting on what my parenting style teaches my children about taking care of the earth. I think that if I generally communicate empathy and connectedness through the way that I respond to my children, they will feel that empathy and connectedness toward other people. And, by extension, toward the planet as a whole.

I see a definite connection with Attachment Parenting International‘s Eight Principles of Parenting. Here are a few examples from my home:

Feed with Love and Respect

As we introduce table foods, we’re creating a connection between our child and the world. Everything that we consume is provided in some way by the planet. And as we strive to make healthy eating choices, we’ll naturally be eating more whole foods. It’s a very logical step to talk to our children about where their food comes from, how it’s grown and how life on earth is sustained.

Respond with Sensitivity

We build a relationship of trust with our children by responding to them sensitively. It starts with a newborn’s first cries, and it continues as our children grow and we involve ourselves in their interests and strive to meet their needs. The relationship that is formed in the process creates a model for how children interact with the larger world around them.

If they learn to trust us, they will also learn to trust others — and develop empathy for them. They will understand that their actions have an impact, and they’ll want to make sure it’s helpful instead of harmful.

Strive for Balance in Your Personal and Family Life

One of the best ways that I’ve found to recharge my own batteries, as well as my kids’ batteries, is to get out into nature. Many parents that I talk to share the same experience. Getting outside, even if it just means spending 20 minutes in the backyard, can turn everyone’s mood around.

When my kids are outside, they explore the natural world. The wonder they experience is amazing, as they learn about plants and animals and insects and weather and seasons. They come to appreciate the earth, and they want to care for and support it.

By making healthy choices, taking the time to get outside, and helping our children learn empathy and feel connectedness, we’re setting the stage for them to make more sustainable choices. Without saying a word, our actions are communicating our values — and our kids pick up on them naturally. I think that’s a great thing.

How have your children learned to live more lightly on the planet? And do you think your parenting style plays a role in how they view the larger world? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Sports and child

I know so many parents who quit exercising or quit favorite outdoor activities because they have had a child.

As we enter in to spring and summer I want to encourage you to get active! If you have given up your outdoor activities or if you have never been active there is no better time than the present to get started (again!). Our children need to see us being active and enjoying ourselves and there are plenty of activities they can be a part of.

1. Find the nearest state park or wildlife preserve and go walking. There is a large array of of backpacks and front packs for kids of every age. I have a Kelty Kids backpack that I love since you can put snacks and water bottles and a change of clothes or two in there as well as your child. If you have a younger child you may want to invest in a wrap of some kind or a front pack.

2. Get a bike cart and go biking. Make sure that you purchase quality kids bikes for sale adelaide and a quality bike cart. It may cost a little bit to get started but bikes don’t take much to keep up so you have free entertainment after your initial investment. For older children there are also bikes that connect to the adult bike where the younger child can pedal a bit but can rest when they need to.

3. Swimming. Get out there and swim! Find a lake or river. Bring a picnic.

4. Head to your local park. Make sure and do your pullups on the monkey bars!

You may not to be able to do extreme sports with your children in tow but finding active things your whole family can participate in and enjoy will pay off big in the long run.

Quiet Time

When my four-year old and I were on a trip recently, he usually managed about ten minutes out with the family we were visiting, the mom, two kids, and two dogs eating and talking and walking around, before he’d say, “I need privacy.” He first learned the term when we were visiting my mom last summer. He wanted to be with her all the time, even when she was in the bathroom and had the door closed. So, not really thinking about how the concept of privacy would be further interpreted, I gave him the message that when the door was closed that meant he (or anybody) should give the person behind said door some time alone.

Fast forward nine months and my son is behind a closed door. Privacy is now his word for space. Though I was a little concerned that his buddy’s feelings would be hurt when he looked at her, said, “I want privacy” and closed the door in her face, I was happy that he had the words to ask for space when he needed it.

We worked on how to politely ask for it during the rest of our trip. It felt somehow in alignment with the other lesson we’re working on right now (one I and many adults need as much as our kids): we can decide what we want to do but we can’t decide what other people are going to do. So when Gilly would come to knock on the door and ask, “Do you want to play now Cavanaugh?” my son learned to say in his nice voice, “I still want some privacy.” We didn’t quite get to, “Thanks for asking. I’ll let you know when I’m ready” but he’s four, so that might be expecting a bit much.

Though the lesson in privacy came because Cavanaugh didn’t want to give my mom a second alone, now that she’s here visiting, he  tried out the concept on my mom this morning. He didn’t ask for privacy or space. He just clung to me and said that we were playing LEGOs with instructions. He knows Gramma doesn’t do LEGO instructions, but buildw “out of her imagination” instead. Here was another way of saying, “I don’t want to play with you right now.” We were in the living room and there was no door to close, so he adapted. I was surprised at his request and impressed with his knowing he needed some alone time with Mama.

With our recent two-week trip to visit friends and now an eight-day visit from my mom, figuring out how much time with other people is something I need to do too. This morning after our LEGO session, I went upstairs to shower and be alone. Then I cleaned off the bathroom counter, made the bed, and put away some laundry. When I’m maxed out, I need to be alone in an orderly environment. I didn’t know that growing up. I didn’t understand privacy. We weren’t allowed to close doors unless we were changing clothes. Now, I understand that the closed door is a healthy boundary, as is asking for privacy or taking space and time when one needs (or wants) it.

Without realizing it, I passed that understanding on to my son. It’s one of those lessons that reminds me he watches what I do and say and learns from it–so I need to watch what I do and say too. In this case, I’m happy with the behavior I modeled and thrilled to see my son trying it on for size. It fits him quite nicely.

How have you taught your kids the concept of taking space when they need it? How was it taught to you?

Mommy and Baby Yoga: The Screaming Practice

With my baby just 8 weeks old, I was ready to venture out for some peaceful yoga practice. I couldn’t wait to feel like a piece of “me” was back and feel a splash of calm come over my anxious mind. I wanted to stop thinking, researching and overanalyzing everything about babies. I wanted to just ENJOY my baby and JUST BE. I also wanted my baby to ENJOY the concept of “being” though so far, she was only enjoying a good cry. I’m not insinuating that babies are mature enough to understand the calm of yoga, but I did believe if I were calmer, she might follow suit and also be calmer.

I planned the class around my baby’s feeding schedule thinking this would help her enter that adorable “quietly alert” state I so loved. I wasn’t sure how baby would react to a dimly lit room with new age music lingering but was hoping for the best. She had, after all been here in the womb. We unrolled our purple mat and got comfy . Things were going great for oh say the first five minutes. Admittedly though, even those five minutes were not the best as I started to realize just how out of shape I was. Soon the instructor was moving us into some warriors in which we held baby on our hips and gazed at the ceiling. Instead of the ceiling though, I was gazing at my screaming baby. Apparently this was not pleasant for her. I never did figure out what the trigger was…after attempting comfort nursing, burping, a diaper change and a short walk around the parking lot, I sadly had to depart mommy and baby yoga.
Somehow though this experience taught me more about yoga and my parenting skills that I will carry with me as my daughter grows up. Although I felt I had wasted $12 to pace a yoga studio with a fussy baby, what I realized is that there will be many times I will introduce my daughter to things she will reject: ballet, sports, piano.

Being in a quiet yoga studio with Buddha staring me down also reiterated how important it is to remain calm during a stormy scream. And by the way, doesn’t yoga teach you to slow down and focus on your struggles, tackling them one by one with a focused demeanor? I had to stop pretending life was as easy as my pre-mommy days and accept my new world. It was after I learned to pay closer attention to my daughter’s mood that I was able to listen to the drumbeat of our lives and come back two weeks later with a successful yoga practice. Babies will cry. Yoga is not a fancy land of purple mats like some in society pretend.

Just as we learn to balance our core and inner yogi, we must balance our parenting life with our personal satisfaction. Adaptability, flexibility and strength, all good physical qualities of a yogi are also keen to parenting .You must listen and respect your body, just like you should your baby.