Practice Positive Discipline – Page 30

Giving Up Choices

I am not in the habit of reading parenting books. It isn’t that they aren’t helpful. I have heard of plenty of circumstances where reading parenting books revolutionized the way a friend of family member chose to parent their children. I have also seen people read a new book every few months and then change their parenting technique to match. This seemed to create very confused and angry children. They didn’t know what to expect from their parents. Being predictable is such a comfort for our children.

Yes, there is a but in this because it has to do with a parenting book I picked up the other day. I have been on a waiting list at the local library for quite some time. I was not introduced to new concepts. I had been parented in much the same way and found that there are quite a few things that I also implement in my parenting.

So what did I discover that I know will revolutionize my parenting? Let my son make more choices. Offer choices. Offer valid choices. There are many small choices during the day that I found I was making that he very well could be making. As I turn those choices over I am watching him blossom. I can watch the little cogs turning in his mind. Many times already he has surprised me with his choices. There is also less resistance in our home. Things that could become an argument of point of contention between us because I was making all the little insignificant choices I am learning to hand over to him and suddenly he feels empowered. He feels he has choices in his life and we all know how much better we feel about life in general when we have some control.

And the final (major) benefit? Because he has to think so much more he sleeps much better at night!

Photo used from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/29890539@N07/4648496819/

Maintaining Attachment Parenting As They Grow & Become Big Siblings…

My 20-month-old daughter is very easy to parent. Okay, well, that’s not entirely true. She’s aptly-nicknamed “Aurora the Destroyer” for her desire to explore and investigate, and her physical and mental abilities to not only climb to higher places, but figure out how to position things to climb to even higher places. But her needs, those are still simple. In her universe, most problems are still limited to being hungry, tired, dry, or bored, and most solutions are limited to food, a diaper or a breast.

My son Rowan, on the other hand, will be 7 in April, and he’s the one I struggle with. As a toddler, he was less physically draining but much more emotional than his sister, and that’s carried on into childhood. To compound things, he is in first grade with a less-than-emotionally respectful teacher, he’s a big brother, and I work from home as well. And of course, with age comes much more complex problems, and naturally, more complex solutions. With his emotional tendencies also comes some emotional outbursts — from him and me.

Being an Attachment Parent to babies and toddlers is very simple, and logically, you’re setting the groundwork then for childhood and adolescence, but maintaining the same relationship gets tougher and tougher. As we know, you can never be perfect at parenting — as your child always grows and changes, your parenting does as well. With a toddler, a job, and an upcoming move, I often feel like my changes as a parent, my growth alongside his has fallen behind, and we’re butting heads and struggling more with maintaining positive discipline and respect, both towards him and from him.

However, every time I start thinking, “What have I done wrong? Did I break our relationship?” I also stop and think, “What am I DOING wrong?” Then, the basics become clear again. Regardless of age, some things still stand true:

1. You have to stop and listen to their needs. The more distanced you are from them, the more complicated figuring them out will be. Also, the bigger they are, the more aware they are of whether or not you’re really listening and caring. Sometimes you’re going to need to have someone remove the little sibling from the room or wait for a nap so your child can really know all the attention is on them, and only them. But of course, as long as you follow through, nothing is wrong with letting your child know you need to wait until ___ time, and then you’ll sit down and talk.

2. You have to accept that you aren’t always going to be perfect… and neither are they. Sometimes you’re going to suck. Sometimes you will be really distracted, concentrating hard on something, and will say something in a less-than-ideal manner… and chances are, your kid will respond in kind. A very important lesson for you to learn is that there’s no erasing mistakes, but there’s learning from them. In fact, almost as important as what you do the first time is how you handle things when you’re patching them up.

3. Remember the behavior is only a symptom. Just like with infants, you still need to remember that they did whatever they did, or didn’t do, for a reason, and that’s what you need to figure out. Getting down at their level, with a sympathetic face and tone, is very important, but so is respecting when they’re not ready to talk. Nothing irritated me more as a child than trying to walk away so I could calm down and being followed, which leads me to…

4. Respect their autonomy. Allowing children to have a space that’s theirs, and letting them have it as somewhere they can request to be alone is invaluable. If you’ve been respectful and open and available with your child, they’ll start becoming independent all on their own, and with that comes the request for certain autonomy, like being able to have a space of their own that a sibling can’t destroy. If Rowan is annoyed with Aurora, he knows his room is a place he can do things without her interference.

5. Try to make as much time just for them. This one is particularly difficult in my household as childcare isn’t readily available or desirable for us, but even just playing a game with my son while she’s napping or nursing can make all the difference.

Overall, the general mantra is: Be patient, be present and be respectful. Life can really start making things difficult, but the longer you let the distance grow, the worse things will get. Taking the time, even when you feel you don’t have it, so close that gap again is so, so important.

What do you feel is most important when dealing with older children?

Growing Up Kind

Recently I have run in to several circumstances where my son caught the brunt of another child’s anger. He was hit and he was scratched and yet when my son hit this child later he received discipline. Why? Why would I discipline my child when seemingly the other child “deserved” retribution and somewhere in there I wanted my son to “defend” himself.

It was as I was discussing this sticky parenting situation with my husband that I remembered that I was not raising the other child. The other child was not my responsibility. What is my responsibility is my child. I want my child to be kind. No matter what. I want my child to treat other people kindly even though other people may not be kind to him. The fact is that people are not going to be kind to him all of his life, but I don’t want him to be the person who lashes back in anger. I want him to be compassionate and I want him to think about his response.

So we talk. I am so glad that he is old enough now that we can discuss some things. We talk about being nice, about being kind, about not wanting to hurt other people and why. And then, as patiently as possible, I discipline my son every time he lashes out at a child because I want him to be kind.

10 Ideas to Help Children Learn to Say “Thank You”

I do not believe in forcing or shaming children into reciting social niceties when they don’t mean them, (1) but I can appreciate that children who practice those niceties can find it easier to function among peers and adults. And while I think that modeling is the most effective (and easiest!) way to impart the importance of “please,” “thank you,” and the like, here are a few more ideas on how to help children learn how to express their appreciation. (2)

Kieran draws thank you pictures for his birthday and Christmas presents.

Turn thank you into artwork: If your little one enjoys arts and crafts, then help her say thank you through artwork. Any kind of craft will do, and you can jot a little note to include with it that explains what the intent is (if it’s not readily apparent).
Say it in a different language: Make saying thank you educational and fun by teaching your little one how to say thank you in different languages. This article gives us “thank you” in 28 languages.
Replace “good job” with “thank you”: Instead of saying “good job” when your little one does something helpful, try “Thank you for _____, it helps me _____.” Saying thank you regularly to your child is one of the best ways to teach him how to thank others – be his role model!

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Discover your child’s “love language”: Some people believe that “Every child gives and receives love in their own unique and special way . . . . There are basically five different ways children, and all people, speak and understand emotional love: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts and Acts of Service.” (3) Here are a few ideas that build on the idea of “love languages”:

Hugs and high fives (“Physical Touch”): I don’t know about you, but a child’s genuine excitement when he opens a gift, plus that impulsive hug (or high five), is enough thank you for me. I don’t need the ritual of a thank you card to reinforce for me that the child enjoyed the gift.
Saying “thank you” in different words (“Words of Affirmation”): Let go of tradition – encourage your child to use whatever words come to mind to express appreciation for a gift. Instead of the bland “thank you for my bike” note, try “We put playing cards on the spokes of my bicycle wheels, now whenever I ride it, you can hear me coming! My friends thought it was so cool, they all put cards on their wheels too. This bike is so fun!” A child’s authentic enthusiasm will shine through so much more in their own words than in any of the more traditional words we could force them to use.
Share the fun (“Quality Time”): If your little one is happy sharing toys and time with others, why not set up a play date with the thank-ee? Playing with a gift with the gift giver might be more appreciated than any thank you note.
Make something to say thank you (“Gifts”): Some little ones love to create – whether it is painting a picture, baking cookies, or putting a collage together, a gift from your child’s heart is an incredible token of thanks.
Do something nice (“Acts of Service”): When I lived at home, one of the ways I would tell my parents “thank you” for all that they did for me was to clean the house. I still occasionally go over and clean while Kieran is playing – simply because I know it will make my parents smile. If your child’s love language is service, find ways that they can lend a hand to someone who has done something nice: decorating for a holiday, weeding the garden, odd (and easy) chores; there are many ways a child can be helpful, and it can turn into a learning experience too!________________
And a couple more ideas, just in case you have a little one who has not yet caught on to this social grace:
Say it yourself: Really, when adults ask children to say “please” or “thank you,” all we’re doing is proving to the other person that we have manners. If you’re that concerned about making a good impression, say thank you yourself: kindly, genuinely, without the tone that you wish your child had done it instead (because all that will do is shame your child, which will not motivate them to say thank you – from their heart – in the future). Your gracious modeling will make a big impression./li>
Don’t force the issue: Finally, relax. Don’t force thank you’s, they’ll come in time. Shaming or forcing a child into saying a grudging thank you may make you feel better in front of others, but it can backfire by making your child feel resentful. Make saying “thank you” a fun learning experience, not an unpleasant task that must be complied with reluctantly.

How does your child like to say thank you?

(1) See, for example, Seven Alternatives to Forced Apologies or Focusing on Children’s Needs
(2) Remember, none of these ideas will be very effective at turning “thank you” into a positive experience if they are forced. Watch for your child’s cues, keep trying until you find something that resonates with her!
(3) Finding Out Your Child’s Love Language

A Look at Extreme Parenting

If you haven’t bothered to read any parenting-related news sites or blogs the past few weeks then the ‘Tiger Mother’ controversy will be news to you. Although author Amy Chua caused a lot of uproar with her Wall Street Journal essay about the superiority of Chinese mothers, the controversy caused others to look beyond Chua’s new book and at extreme parenting as a whole including Lu Hanessian.

Lu is on Attachment Parenting International’s Board of Directors and is also the host of API Live! In an article for the Courier-Post, Hanessian examines The “Affect” of Extreme Parenting. Here is an excerpt:

“I have a different take. The parenting extremism begins in our own minds with our own hyperfocus on efficacy. We are obsessed with doing. Doing it well. Doing it right. Doing to. Doing something that works. We are scarcely aware that the object of our doings is a human being who is soft-wired to connect, attach and belong, and who is physiologically designed to resist being controlled.”

Click through to read Lu’s entire article then head back here to share your thoughts on The “Affect” of Extreme Parenting.

Lying: The Developmental Truth

I stared at the toast lying on top of the trash in disbelief. I was ticked. My four year old told me he had eaten all of his toast and wanted something else to eat. I went into the dining room where he was eating his peaches.

“I thought you told me you ate all your toast?”
“I did.”
“No, you threw it in the trash.”
“No, I didn’t. I ate it all.”

I took him by the hand and led him to the trash. “Look, there’s your toast.” He looked at me like he really didn’t know how it had gotten there.

This wasn’t the first time I’d caught him in a lie and I was frustrated. I couldn’t understand it. I don’t punish my children. I don’t reward them either. What do they have to fear by telling me the truth? My 7 year old had never lied to me. I really believe he’s physically incapable of it. It would alter his universe of science and order too much. But my 4 year old was born with his own personality and had no qualms about chaos. I felt connected to my youngest child. Our relationship was good. From all of my research and involvement with AP, I naively believed that if my parenting was focused on relationship, things like this wouldn’t happen. So why was he lying to me?
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The Practice of Attachment Parenting

There are days when I think to myself, “I shouldn’t call what I do attachment parenting – because quite honestly, today was anything but.”

I never thought of attachment parenting with any interest until about a year ago, right after Bella was born. Before that, I just knew I didn’t want to spank or hit, and wanted to treat my child with respect and dignity. I fell in love with babywearing along the way, and extended breastfeeding happened because it became a joy after the horrible months of reflux and colic in her infancy.

I began to find myself drawn into the attachment line of thinking once I knew I was going to be able to be a stay at home mom. I have always had a passion for working with children, from being a nanny to teaching – I would read constantly about how to be a better caregiver and educator. So it was only natural to start to think of motherhood in that way, and to decide what kind of a mother I wanted to be on a daily/hourly basis.
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I’m Bored

I know I must have used that little phrase a few times when I was young but I honestly can’t remember. I remember one time being in the house while it was raining, I was about 9 or 10 years old and I remember feeling bored. Strange isn’t it? Strange that I can actually remember an “I’m bored” moment.

Why wasn’t I bored? Well. For one we had a television off and on throughout my growing up but more off than on and when we did have it we watched a movie or educational show occasionally, we didn’t have cable or anything. I didn’t play video games. I remember when I was 12 or so someone gave us an old Playstation and Mario Bros and we played that sometimes, but since we weren’t in the habit, it mostly sat there and collected dust.My mom got a computer and we did educational games and some of our school on it, but it was fairly limited while my mother plays some casino games on the computer meanwhile. A lot of it was self-limitation. Why? Because we weren’t in the habit. As a grown-up, in free time. I also like to have stuff like my mom play poker games on the computer, but in today’s technology rather than playing games on the computer, you can play real poker at top online casino malaysia as well as earn money, and kill your boredom,. But while kids, games were pretty different. so here we go. There was some boredom games.

My siblings and I played outside. We helped my mom bake. We had chores. Yes. Chores. I think that they may have been the best thing that ever happened to us. We were responsible for animals and gardening and things that were important to our family. My parents really instilled in us that the things we did were important, that they helped the family function and because of that we took pride in doing our part. Sure, sometimes we complained and didn’t want to do it. It’s not like we were angelic or anything. But for the most part we felt good about ourselves when we were helping out.

When it looked like boredom or arguing was setting in my mom would always say “well there are a list of things that need to be done…”, we figured out that we weren’t quite that bored very quickly or sometimes we would accept a “chore.” Why? Because we didn’t want to be bored.

It helped that I watched my parents doing the same thing. My dad was always doing projects and chores and even doing some of the cooking and laundry etc. My mom was always knitting something or learning something or doing something with us and the animals as well as doing things like starting a local drama club or running parts of our local fair. It kept them content. It kept us content. Boredom was just not an option.

To this day, thanks to my parents, every time I am “bored” I am able to motivate and find something to do, either a project or a chore that will keep my mind or my hands busy. I hope that I am able to instill this in my son. I hope that by demonstration and to a large degree eliminating artificial outward stimulants in his life that he will come to find that he is a creative and productive person that is essential to this family. Not because I say so, but because he is.