APtly Said – Page 94

Interview Series: Kelly Bartlett

Today I have a real treat for you: an interview with API Speaks contributing blogger Kelly Bartlett! Kelly is the first of our bloggers who are opening up and answering questions. I’ve been reading API Speaks for a long time now and am so excited to get to know all the contributors better. Read on to find out more about Kelly, her journey to AP through a “high needs” baby, and more about her gorgeous family of 4.

Tell us about your family.

I grew up in Chicago and my husband, John, is from Whitefish, Montana. We met at St. Olaf College in Northfield, MN, and now we love living in beautiful Portland, Oregon. I was a high school biology teacher before our 2 kids were born and I stopped working to stay home with them full-time ever since. Our son JJ is 4 1/2 and our daughter Elia is 6, and they are complete opposites! The phases we went through with one we didn’t go through with the other, and vice versa. Between the two of them we are learning first-hand just how different kids can be.

With you from Illinois and your husband from Montana, how did you end up in Portland? I hear that it is a very pro-AP city, do you find that to be true?

We moved out here several years ago for John’s job, and this city has been a great fit for us in many ways…the most recent being our parenting journey. There are lots of AP families here, which is so nice. Just going out in public it’s not uncommon to see several breastfeeding and baby-wearing moms & dads, so it’s easy to meet like-minded parents, even when we’re not at an API meeting! Although I wouldn’t say the majority of Portland parents practice AP, I think it’s more common here than in other places I’ve lived.
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Looking Ahead: Parenting in 2011

Today we bid farewell to 2010 and welcome 2011 with open arms. While we take the time to reflect on the past 12 months, we also begin to look ahead to the future. One question that I have for everyone is will your parenting landscape be changing in the coming year?

Are you expecting the birth of a new child?
Will you have a child starting school?
Will you have a child going off to college for the first time?
Are you planning on moving to a new home in 2011?

If your parenting landscape is changing in the coming year, how will you manage these changes?

We are planning on moving to a new home in the summertime. We first moved into this home when my son, who is my oldest child, was only four months old. This is the only house that my children have known but we are now ready to move. I know that it will be challenging to maintain balance in both my life and my family’s lives during the upcoming move but we’re already starting to plan for this big change.

Parenting Resolutions?
 If you’re the resolution-making type, I’d love to hear what your parenting resolutions are for the New Year. If you’re already involved in a local API Group, perhaps you think 2011 will be the right time to pursue joint leadership. Maybe you want to start a new API Group in your area to help support other families in their parenting journey.

Photo: ba1969

What I Will Miss

I have two children. My daughter Hannah is 5 1/2, and my son Jacob is 2. While I like to believe that I’ve parented them in the same way, they are two very different little people. From their very first days, they have made their individuality clear.

I have found this very freeing, as a parent. It tells me that my children are their own people, and it is not my job to make them fit into a mold. I strive to teach them the things they need to know, and set reasonable limits. But when my daughter has a scream that could stop a train, or my son constantly runs from me in public, it is not necessarily a sign that I have failed entirely in my parental duty. They are simply expressing themselves in age-appropriate ways, based on their developmental stages and individual personalities.

And you know what? When they outgrow those stages, I miss them.

This struck me the other night, as I was awake at 4:00am (again) nursing Jacob back to sleep. I never remember how I got to his room, but I find myself there every night. My daughter Hannah was a champion sleeper from a very early age. I thought I had it figured out. But at almost 2 1/2, my son Jacob has slept through the night exactly three times. They have different sleep personalities, and I do my best to respond to them appropriately.

My children, just as they were for one instant out of their childhoods

Once Jacob drifted off, I shifted him and threw my arm around him. I felt the back of his soft little hand, and listened to his quiet breathing. It was warm and cozy and so peaceful. In the wee hours of the morning, it felt like the two of us were the only people awake, on that double bed in his bedroom. And I knew, I knew, that I would miss these moments one day.

Our children’s neediness can be hard to take. Sometimes, they need so very much of us that there isn’t anything left for our partners or ourselves. They wake us from sleep, they cling to us while we try to pee, they interrupt us while we talk on the phone, they cry because we brought them the wrong sippy cup. But in these moments, they are also perfectly expressing themselves as they are right now. Little people, who see the world in us, and reach out to us with total faith.

There is so much that is good in the midst of the chaos that is parenting young children. I strive to cling to that goodness. Little pieces of childhood, stolen moments between my child and myself. If I’ve learned anything in my 5 1/2 years of parenting it’s that these moments will be gone, and all too soon. And so I try to reach out and grasp them, even though I know I can’t. And sometimes, on a random Tuesday at 4:00am, I almost succeed.

What moments will you miss when they’re gone? What do you do to hold on to them while they last?

Empowering infants as people

So many of our parenting practices, I realize, have to do with treating our baby (6.5 months this week) like a full-fledged person, with the same rights and preferences as her parents. While it may seem weird to the masses, drawing harsh lines between adults and babies doesn’t give our babies enough credit.

For example, we practice Elimination Communication (EC). The philosophy underpinning this practice is that infants are aware – from birth – of their need to eliminate – and prefer to do so in a way that keeps them dry and comfortable, as do we. This understanding ultimately gave way to the stay-dry disposable diaper, but a much simpler solution is available. We simply monitor our child carefully for signs of needing to eliminate, as we would for signs of hunger. Thus, dd gets to go to the potty, just like her parents do.

Another example – sleeping in a real bed alongside family members. One might argue that asking a baby to spend the night alone is asking them to be mature beyond their years. Personally, I don’t enjoy spending the night alone, and I’m in my 30s. Why should my newborn have to do it?

Another way we resist infantiaizing our infant is baby-led weaning. While many of her peers are being fed bland “enriched” rice cereal and mashed foods, our baby is making choices between the foods her parents are eating, within reason. We acknowledge dd’s limited capacity to chew by providing foods that are soft enough for her to manage – roasted vegetables, hummus and fruits. For me to tell her she needs to consume – much less finish – a food that I wouldn’t touch seems absurd.

Finally, there’s discipline. Who decided that little people have less right to dignity than their elders? This idea is so dominant that I find myself retraining myself and dd’s caretakers – not to tell her to stop crying (it’s our job to soothe and assist, not repress), not to tell her what to say, even in the context of learning essentials like basic vocab or please and thank you, etc.

Sometimes it feels like an uphill battle, but the benefits are enormous. In respecting my child’s dignity and humanness, I reaffirm my own. I find I have greater access to compassion as a result of these practices. And I have my daughter to thank for that.

Holiday Discipline and Family

I live in a community of people. Sometimes I feel that I am raising my son in a fish bowl of sorts. There are some interesting challenges that come up that are particularly relevant during the holiday season. One of the most difficult parts about being around a lot of people, especially family during the holidays, is discipline.

I have a great example from my community that took place the other day in our kitchen. There was a normal (albeit very naughty, which unfortunately is the norm right now) interchange between my son and my sister. The interchange involved my son saying that he didn’t like my sister which of course isn’t true but I could still see her face cloud up with hurt. The reaction from my brother-in-law was what bugged me. My brother in law took it upon himself to tell my son that what he had done was wrong and then told him that he needed to apologize to my sister.

Now, I know since we live in such close contact with other people that they do need to the right to put my son down if he is mean or to walk away. I don’t think that anyone needs to be held captive by my son’s fits. But there is also a line where family or community stops and parenting begins and that is what brings us to the holiday season.

Have you and your partner discussed a plan of action? How are you going to handle family members who step in to parenting territory? How are you going to discipline your child in front of people? Are you going to let them get away with things that you are normally on top of because you don’t want conflict?

I had it easy the other day because my mother stepped in and told my brother-in-law that it was the parents choice as to what kind of discipline my child received. I had some back up. Unfortunately that probably isn’t going to happen during your family holiday so it is important that you and your partner are on the same page and that you stick with your pre-discussed “rules” if you will, no matter how uncomfortable the situation.

It is easy to just shrug off individual moments or to think “it’s just the holidays, after this things will go back to normal.” but life is full of little moments and those little moments are what make all the difference in your life as a parent and the life of your child.

So what is your holiday discipline plan?

Photo used from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/joeshlabotnik/2964752310/

Subtle Snuggle Hints

Usually, when we sit in the living room, I am on the couch between both kids either reading to them or watching TV with them or commenting on their sword-fighting moves; whatever we are doing I am engaged. But last night I was sitting in a chair with my laptop, only half-present. I had my head down and was typing when JJ wandered over and said matter-of-factly, “Mom, if you ever need someone to snuggle with, I will. I will snuggle with you.”

I replied, “OK, thanks,” and continued typing. At which point JJ placed his 2 little hands flat on either of my cheeks and turned my face toward his so he could look right into my eyes and our noses were not quite touching. “DO you need someone to snuggle with you?”

Oh, got it. “Yes! I do. Right now please.” He presently climbed onto the back of the chair and draped himself across my shoulders, sucking his thumb and twirling my hair. I put the laptop down and was present once again.

Taking Care of Each Other

I am sitting here blubbering and dabbing my eyes with tissues.

The last few days have been really hard. I went from fine to emergency surgery in 12 hours. As a consequence of that I can’t pick up my son or clean the house. As a consequence of that I have a fussy baby and a filthy house. Levi, soldier that he is, works for us a lot which means Sol and I are home alone a lot. Then Monday night I came down with the flu. I vomited a lot and tore a lot of my stitches. Then Solomon came down with flu and vomited a lot and tore my heartstrings with his helplessness. All day yesterday I was in bed nauseous and dizzy. Sol was crying most of the day. Levi stayed home from work and tried to make sure neither of us wanted for anything.

Needless to say, you guys, I am near the end of my rope. Physically exhausted. Mentally drained. Did I mention what a disaster my house is?

All of this is not why I am blubbering like a fool. And by that I mean weeping incessantly with that burning “Don’t cry you idiot” feeling in my throat.
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Potty Eye

“Mama, you have pee on your glasses,” is just one more thing I never expected to hear in this lifetime. Parenthood offers many opportunities.

Our latest is potty learning. Just so you know, that term drove me crazy for a while too, the PCness of it as opposed to the much more familiar “potty training.” What I’m finding, however, is that potty learning is actually much more accurate. The multitude of things one must learn about using a toilet was beyond my understanding.

Explaining to my (then) three-year-old that when he wakes up to pee and has an erection, he actually has to touch his penis while he pees. “Use your finger and push it down or the pee goes between the toilet seat and the bowl. Aim for the water. Yes you can do it without peeing on your fingers.” In the meantime, pee is covering his hand, leaking between the tank and seat, and I catch a whiff of urine as I step into the shower every morning.

The peeing in the potty thing started with trying to use kid potties but Cavanaugh didn’t like them. Neither did I, frankly. The mess of peeing into a plastic contraption, and not arcing urine over the top, was challenge enough. Add to that the likelihood that I would spill said pee on my way to pour it in the toilet and I was not a fan, so I decided to search online how to remove the smell of the urine, and I found an entire guide, I recommend you to try these recommendations were definitely a relief for me.
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