Kelly Bartlett – Page 4

“Thank You” Feels Nice

I love swimming days. With school and Taekwondo sandwiching the kids’ joint swimming lesson, and needing to fit lunch and showers in there, too, they are our busiest day of the week. But also our favorite! Swimming really “takes the edge off” for all of us, and we welcome the inevitable sense of calm we feel after a half-hour of hard work in the water (lessons for them, laps for me).

Part of this routine is navigating the locker room; trying to get myself and two young kids undressed, suited up, to class on time, then undressed once again, showered, washed, dried, dressed, combed, and packed up in a reasonable amount of time is a feat of parenting each week. But we have established a pretty efficient routine, and can get it all done with minimal problems.

Part of that routine is, after showers, JJ (age 4.5) gathers everyone’s wet towels and puts them in the laundry basket (we don’t bring our own, but use ones provided by the fitness center). Sometimes he grumbles about it, but for months, he’s always gotten the job done.

The other day, I thought I’d give JJ a break from his usual task of gathering everyone’s towels, and I said, “How about everyone put their own towels in the laundry today?”

JJ: Why?

Me: Well, every week I ask you to put everyone’s towels in the laundry, and I thank you for that. I just thought we could do our own today and give you a break.
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Practicing NVC

After I checked out Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg from my library, I knew I would need to buy it for my personal collection. It is excellent. Not only is NVC extremely relevant to parents working towards healthy relationships with their children, but the principals are applicable in any type of communicative relationship….spouses, family members, co-workers, employers, neighbors, and just about anyone with whom we may potentially have disagreements once in a while.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with NVC, know that this approach to communication is a cornerstone of attachment parenting. Here are the concepts of NVC in a nutshell: it is about feelings and needs. It’s about setting judgement aside and focusing on communicating how we feel and what we need.

While the book is an inspiring read, it can be difficult to put to practical use…at first. It was difficult for me in the beginning because I wasn’t used to communicating this way (effectively). But right away, even for the novice “nonviolent communicator,” it’s easy to start with small steps simply by raising awareness of critical moments in your daily communications; those when it would be easy to impart judgment on a situation. Instead of judging, I try to re-think my viewpoint and re-phrase my words to be as objective as possible.

What I See: So instead of walking in to the living room and saying, “Oh, what a big mess in here,” I keep my observations clear and straightforward. “I see books, blocks, scarves, and trucks spread on the floor from wall to wall.”

How I Feel: “I feel tired because I’ve picked up these toys two times already today.”

What I need: “I need order in this room, and I need help to make it happen.”

Will You? “JJ, will you please put the scarves in the basket? Elia, will you put books back on the shelf please?”

What could easily have started as a judgment (Why are you so messy?), confrontation (You never put your toys away!) and demand (Get this cleaned up now!), turns out to be a cooperative activity, and my need for order is met.

I realize that with toddlers and very young kids, it may be difficult to get immediate cooperation with respect to a person’s needs. As my kids grow, NVC gets more and more effective, and I especially love it for my husband’s and my interactions. What takes practice is the ability to distance ourselves from any personal attacks and look for specific feelings and unmet needs.

Anyone new to NVC can start practicing the tactics intermittently. If I have an observation, feeling, need, or request to convey, I practice stating it nonjudgmentally in as many situations as I can, whether or not there is anything else to express about it. For example, at breakfast this morning I said, “I see Elia using a fork and JJ sitting down in his chair,” just to practice statements of observation. To my husband I said, “I feel nervous about my meeting today.” Or, while making cookies today, “I need the eggs cracked in this bowl.” Or, this evening, “JJ, would you pick out your nighttime diaper?” All of those events happened independently and did not result in extensive communication, but they gave me a chance to identify and verbalize a sight, feeling, need, and a request. I continue to look for small moments like those to help me practice.

Right now, I have to sort through my emotions and think hard about articulating my feelings and needs. It is common for me to say how I “feel” without really stating a feeling. For example: “I feel like you’re not listening to me.” This statement does contain the word “feel,” but it’s really an accusation, not a true description of how I feel. I feel insecure. I feel discouraged. I feel angry. Those are more accurate descriptions for how I feel when my need to be heard isn’t met. The Center for Nonviolent Communication offers lists of common feelings and needs that I refer to often!

Regarding NVC, I also like that only one person in a communication exchange needs to be familiar with the principals to make it effective. So I can help someone else (like my children) identify their feelings and needs and feel successful in communicating them. “Oh, Elia, I see that you lost your dinosaur toy! That must make you feel sad…you loved watching him hatch and grow! Do you need a hug? I’m sorry that he’s gone. How about if we look for another dinosaur egg the next time we go to the store?” By offering suggestions or making guesses as to what she is feeling, it gives her a chance to correct me–“No I’m not sad, I’m mad!” This creates a more meaningful conversation and is teaching my daughter effective, empathic communication.

If you haven’t read NVC yet, check it out, and you can join me in my ongoing efforts to practice it! Effective communication is excellent.

What Is It About AP?

I’ve recently been working with some moms who are going through some difficult behaviors with their children. I enjoy doing this; as a parenting educator, I like helping moms and dads understand their kids’ behaviors and help them find new tools–respectful, empathic, emotionally connective parenting tools–for approaching them. Although I don’t always have Answers for them, I like knowing that I’m helping people create stronger relationships with each other; we need more emotionally secure people in the world, and it starts at home.

It is hard, though, when I work with a family who has older children and they’ve never parented with attachment parenting or positive discipline…never even heard of attachment parenting, and don’t understand what makes positive discipline “positive”. These families are not very receptive to new parenting ideas because they think, “that’s not what’s going on,” or, “that will never work.” They want to continue with their same ways, just find different same ways of doing things.

It makes me wonder what is it about attachment parenting that allows our family to avoid common behavioral issues, or at least respond and recover fairly quickly from them. Why don’t we have serious behavior problems with our kids that permeate our lives and overall happiness the way some families do? It’s because from the very beginning of our parenting journey, understanding attachment theory has shaped the way we view our relationships with our kids. An AP philosophy is the foundation for how we relate to our kids, and therefore how they relate to the world.

So, what exactly is it about AP? Attachment parenting is about…

Listening. Active, engaged, responsive listening. Repeating back back what you are hearing. Verbalizing the emotions you’re hearing in their thoughts.

Connection. Physical connection; lots of touching, hugs, and cuddles. But probably the most important form of connection: emotional.Genuine empathy, understanding, and acceptance.

Availability. Being physically and emotionally available as often as possible. Personally, I don’t take off evenings to do girls’ nights. I don’t go away for weekend getaways. I am not looking for my next “mommy break.” And I also don’t feel like I’m making huge sacrifices to do this. I enjoy being with my kids, and I make it a point to be there for them; with them.

Common attachment parenting practices for parents of very young babies (such as breastfeeding, babywearing, and co-sleeping) are great for creating a strong early attachment, but what’s most helpful about AP in the early years is that it establishes a strong foundation for a lifetime of positive relationships between parents and children; attachment parenting sets up a positive-parenting-frame-of-mind. The actual AP methods themselves are certainly healthy for a baby’s development, but they’re not necessarily essential, as it’s the effort and intent behind them that’s crucial. They establish a philosophy and approach to parenting that parents will use throughout the rest of their experience raising kids.

Attachment parenting is not a checklist of dos and don’ts, it’s about the understanding that with a strong relationship, overcoming any parenting hurdle is possible. AP is different. It’s not common, mainstream, or “normal.” But it’s more about thinking differently thandoing things differently.

Subtle Snuggle Hints

Usually, when we sit in the living room, I am on the couch between both kids either reading to them or watching TV with them or commenting on their sword-fighting moves; whatever we are doing I am engaged. But last night I was sitting in a chair with my laptop, only half-present. I had my head down and was typing when JJ wandered over and said matter-of-factly, “Mom, if you ever need someone to snuggle with, I will. I will snuggle with you.”

I replied, “OK, thanks,” and continued typing. At which point JJ placed his 2 little hands flat on either of my cheeks and turned my face toward his so he could look right into my eyes and our noses were not quite touching. “DO you need someone to snuggle with you?”

Oh, got it. “Yes! I do. Right now please.” He presently climbed onto the back of the chair and draped himself across my shoulders, sucking his thumb and twirling my hair. I put the laptop down and was present once again.

Waiting For a Rainbow

It’s 5:00 am…rainy…cold…very blustery outside. Inside there is fire…tea…writing…solitude…ahh. It’s one of my favorite times of day. Made even more cozy than usual this morning by the stark contrast of the icy rain pelting the windows and the quiet warmth in here. I sit here, enjoying my time alone, wondering what kind of day the kids and I will have. Lately, they’ve not been easy. I just wonder if, one of these days, we’ll have a pleasant day from wake-up to bedtime? Is that possible to have a day without conflict and frustration? Would it even be interesting? Right now it sounds pretty welcome.

I took this picture just a few days ago from our front porch. It’s one of Portland’s wintertime perks; we see lots of rainbows. They are the “pleasantness” that appears after a rainstorm (though “storm” is not really the right word, as it’s more like a constant, steady rain for varying periods of time). Always, after we’ve had some rain, I’ll start checking out the windows thinking, “Is it time for a rainbow yet?” I’ve learned what rainbow weather looks like; the rain dwindles, but doesn’t disappear completely, and the sun begins to show itself, though not completely or directly. The sky is a perfect blend of grayness and light. Then there is a stunning display of color…not everlasting but a beautiful, welcome change from the rain.

Is it time for a rainbow in our house yet? Maybe today will be “rainbow weather” for us.

The Absolute Child

I liked this analogy I read today…about thinking of a child’s behavior not in terms of “positive” or “negative”, but as an absolute.

:: The Absolute Value of Your Child ::

If you were forced to study algebra when you were a teenager, it probably didn’t occur to you that it would one day come in handy as a metaphor for unconditional love. But here it is…In mathematics, the “absolute value” of a number is its *magnitude* regardless of whether it’s positive or negative. So the numbers +50 and -50 have the same absolute value: 50.Likewise, practicing the Art of Unconditionality often means disregarding the negative interpretations of a condition or behavior and finding a way to see it in a positive light. For example:

* Whether your child says “I love you” or “I hate you,” you can appreciate the magnitude of her expressiveness and emotional honesty.

* Whether your child rebels or complies with your wishes, you can appreciate his absolute freedom of choice.

Today as you observe your child, if you see any “negative” behavior then ask yourself, “What is this telling me about the ‘absolute value’ of my child?”

~Scott Noellle

The Daily Groove

It may be kind of abstract, but it’s a good challenge for me: try to take away the negative connotation of my kids’ taxing behavior. Rather than get bogged down with what should be; how my child should behave, I can accept what is. If I can do that, I can see who my children are and focus on finding effective ways to help them succeed when their behavior is less than ideal. When I get caught up in the shoulds and should nots, I lose sight of my kids’ developmental capabilities and subsequent limitations, both emotionally and cognitively.

Even if their behavior is exemplary, it’s still intriguing to think about taking away that “positive” label and getting down to the absolute: who my child is. My child is thoughtful. My child is caring. My child notices when someone else is in distress and considers the reasons why. My child can also sit still through a meal in a restaurant and hold my hand in a parking lot. Is that “good” behavior? I know I sure appreciate it, but it’s no better than the behavior of my child lashing out verbally as a means of emotional expression. It just is. My children recognize their own feelings enough to know how to express them in an age-appropriate way.

All the behavior I’ve seen in my children has come into our lives in a timely manner (developmentally speaking), and it will depart just the same. In the meantime, I can disregard the Positive and Negative labels, and consider each “absolute” child. I can challenge myself to forget the shoulds and should nots, and just accept my children for who they are in every stage of their development!

Part 2: What Makes a Consequence Logical?

In Part 1, I talked about the differences between natural consequences, logical consequences, and punishments. In positive discipline, natural consequences are appropriate and effective in helping children learn. They are the preferred method of discipline (yes, it’s still considered discipline even if we don’t DO anything) for giving children valuable learning experiences.

Logical consequences are a popular discipline tool, but they are risky. As stated in Part 1, a logical consequence is one “that ‘fits’ with the circumstances”. However, this leaves a lot of room for interpretation. When parents experience difficult behavior from children and their emotions are running strong, it becomes very easy to turn what is intended as a logical consequence into a punishment.

So what makes a consequence truly logical? As a general rule of thumb, if you have to think too hard about what to do to a child so that he learns a lesson, the logical consequence is most likely a punishment in disguise. To ensure that logical consequences don’t become punitive:

First try to figure out what the natural consequence is. We can do this by taking ourselves out of the situation. “What would happen if I stepped out of this and let my child handle this problem?” Would there be a natural challenge she would have to deal with on her own? That might be a valuable learning experience for her.

Sometimes, though, a problem requires a parent’s involvement, in which case we can focus on solutions. Think of difficult behavior not as a lesson to be learned, but a problem to be solved. Consider, “What do we need to do to solve this problem?” rather than, “What do I need to do so that my child learns a lesson?”

When coming up with possible solutions to a problem, make sure that they follow the 4 Rs:

Related—the consequence must be related to the behavior. A child tries out his new markers…directly on the kitchen floor. A related consequence is that he must wash the marker off the floor. An unrelated consequence would be if he were required to clean up the whole toy room.
Respectful—the consequence must be kindly enforced; no blame, shame, or pain. Respectful: “Here’s a wet rag so that you can wipe the marker off the floor.” Disrespectful: “Look what you did! I can’t believe you colored marker all over the floor! You better clean this mess up NOW.”
Reasonable—the consequence is in proportion to the problem. Reasonable: The child needs to wash the marker off the floor. Unreasonable: The child needs to wash the entire kitchen floor.
Revealed in advance—allow the child to know what will happen if a certain behavior occurs. “Please keep the marker on the paper. You’ll have to clean up any marker that gets on the floor.”

Something else that helps keep a consequence from becoming punitive is to give a child choice in the matter, and to ask for their input in solving a problem. The choices a child is offered should always follow the 4 Rs above.

You can either get a spray bottle and a rag, or use a wet sponge. Which would you like to use to clean this? Do you have another idea for how you could clean this up? Would you like me to help by getting a wet towel for you?

When using positive discipline, we try for natural consequences first, and approach the use of logical consequences conscientiously. We can ensure that these “consequences” are truly relevant and respectful and not an arbitrary punishment in disguise by instead approaching them as “solutions”. Our relationships with our children will benefit from the kindness and firmness of this positive discipline style, as well as from the cooperation and respect we demonstrate to our kids.

Kelly is an API Leader and a Certified Positive Discipline Instructor in Portland, Oregon. She blogs at Parenting From Scratch.

Part1: Rewards, Incentives, Consequences, and Punishments (Oh, My!)

At a recent API meeting, a few moms asked questions about the differences between rewards and punishments which I thought was very useful. We hadn’t specifically discussed them before, and it was helpful to define our understanding of the words we often hear regarding discipline. Based on attachment parenting, positive discipline, and unconditional parenting, here is the break-down:

Rewards vs. Incentives:

A reward is something that is given conditionally; you only get X if you do Y. An incentive is letting someone know of an enjoyable activity that is soon to come. As soon as Y is done, X happens. The difference here is that enjoyable thing (X) happens even if the behavior leading up to it wasn’t perfect. It’s unconditional.

For example, a mom always gives her son a snack when they drive somewhere, but sometimes there’s a struggle actually getting him into his car seat. Because having a snack in the car is something they do every day, the snack is not the reward for getting into the car seat; it’s the incentive. She reminds her son that, “After everyone gets buckled in our seats, we have a snack.” That’s the order of events, and something he can look forward to after getting in his seat. She wouldn’t withhold the snack if, despite her best efforts, there was still struggling and crying about getting into the car seat. Her son is hungry and he needs it; it’s snack time.
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