I have two children right now. The Bean is almost three years and the Chickpea is almost eight months. Last night, and the night before that, and the night before that, I parented my three year old to sleep until he was soundly, deeply, out. On those same nights I nursed my eight month old in the rocker in her room, rocked her with her pacifier, and put her in her crib sleepy but awake. Then I left her alone and walked out. Within a few minutes, a few quiet minutes with a little tossing and maybe a sigh she was asleep.
If you only knew a little bit more about Bean, you might understand the shock induced heart palpitations I experience when Pea falls asleep alone. Bean has never been what might be referred to as a natural sleeper. And the road that has led us down has been one I had never imagined before having kids. Now, having two very different children who are two very different sleepers I feel so convinced that sleep, like speaking, or eating solids, or learning to walk, is a developmental milestone. If you do nothing but follow their lead and meet their needs sleep eventually happens.
I guess you could say I am a proponent of Baby Led Sleeping. Before Bean was born I never put a lot of thought into sleep training, or letting a child cry himself to sleep, or “cry it out,” or co-sleeping, or nursing to sleep, or any of it. I had watched people put their children down in a crib, heard a little crying, and then the child was asleep. It felt a little bad to me but it wasn’t my child. I didn’t stop to think about any other way to do things.
When the Bean came along he had other things in mind. For the first few months we shared a bed with him and everyone I knew was supportive of having him with us. Then around three months the questions started. When would we move him to his crib? Was he sleeping longer stretches? Was he sleeping through the night?
I was in a foreign land all of a sudden. My baby wouldn’t sleep if he wasn’t touching me. Often I held him while he slept. Otherwise we were safely on the bed, with no blankets or pillows, and he was nestled in with me. When I tried to move him to the bassinette in our room he protested, loudly, and repeatedly. If I tried to put him down in his crib in his room his eyes popped open the second he hit the mattress and the crying began.
I read books about sleep. I found an AP friendly website with forum I could ask questions on. I slowly realized that my parenting was going to be different from other parents we knew. I was going to meet his needs in so many ways. I knew this is what made sense for us, but it seemed the most glaring and difficult piece of our puzzle was sleep. The Bean was not a natural sleeper. And I could not begin to imagine that leaving this sensitive, touch needy child alone in his crib wailing was a good idea. It broke my heart. I was afraid it would break his spirit.
There was research out there that supported my feelings but for me the most convincing thing of all was how I felt. It felt wrong to me. It felt like the wrong thing for my child. I wouldn’t do it. And so the months and then years passed. I nursed him to sleep, he woke several times a night and I always rolled towards him and nursed him back to sleep. Slowly, as he grew older and I got pregnant things changed. S l o w l y.
When my milk dried up he started snuggling me when he woke up at night. When the pea was born he weaned and I started laying on the bed with him and letting him twiddle a mole on my stomach to fall asleep. Some nights he would let my husband parent him through the night. Some nights he needed me. We just kept following his lead and meeting his needs.
Now here he is, almost three, and yes I still parent him to sleep. But, he sleeps. Most nights he sleeps in his bed, in his room, through the whole night. Some nights he wants me to come in for a bit to help him get back to sleep in the middle of the night. A few times he has let my husband parent him to sleep for the night. Things have changed. It has taken three years of patience and of doing things differently then anyone else we know here but it is happening. So, sleep is proving to be within his grasp and ours.
Now perhaps you can imagine my shock when Chickpea, just a few months old, still a chubby nursathon baby, fell asleep in her crib. I was putting her to sleep in the rocker like I always have. And the Bean was over tired and having a spirited child moment crying hysterically for me so I whispered to her that I would be back in a moment and I went to comfort him. A few minutes later I returned to her room and she was sleeping. I had to check to make sure she was alive. Then I had to run down the stairs with the video monitor and show it to my husband. Shock.
I was sure it wouldn’t or couldn’t happen again but I knew I should try. So each night I nurse and rock and cuddle her and then I put her in her crib. She falls asleep. She sleeps – not for one hour or two even but five! One night she slept for eight hours – eight glorious hours of sleep!
Did I sleep? No. Maybe that comes some other time. After three years of being up every two hours or so I am not sure when I will reset. But, the baby is sleeping. She may revert, she may go through phases, she may start waking a lot again. But she has given me a gift. She has shown me that my parenting intuition was correct. I can let go of the doubt about whether I did the right thing with Bean. I can stop wondering if there was truth in the assertion some people made that I “created” the Bean’s sleep patterns and needs.
What I created was a safe place for him to develop as his own speed. What I did was follow my child’s lead and trust that in a secure environment he would eventually come to sleep longer, more easily, in his own way. And he has done just that in his own time. The Pea is now showing me that the same method of nurturing can lead to an entirely different picture with a different child. I hold her, I nurse her, I rock her, I follow her lead, and she can fall asleep without me.
If you are parenting a child like the Bean please don’t worry. Please listen to your heart and follow your instincts and shut out the doubt and the doubters. Your child will sleep. The day will come. Trust me and try practicing Baby Led Sleeping. It is a gift and a blessing and a lot of hard work and you will never ever regret a second of it.
Sweet dreams my little Pea. Sweet dreams my growing Bean. Sleep like only you can sleep.
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My two are very different also but in different order. My first born was the sleep lover, my second needs a lot more parenting to sleep.
Thanks for the enlightening article. I find myself drifting more and more toward AP with my baby. But the last several nights she’s screamed whether I am close to her, nursing her, she’s in her crib, she’s naked, whatever when it’s bedtime. This is baffling to me!! Wish I knew what the solution to that was.
Jessie–mom of a five-month-old
When my first child was born, I thought I had this parenting thing all figured out because he was (and still is at 4.5) such a great sleeper. I thought I was doing it “just right.”
Then along came my daughter, who needs to be parented to sleep and rarely slept more than about 2-3 hours at a stretch until she was over 2.
I agree that sleep is a developmental milestone that children reach at different ages. Although parenting Lily at night for those two years was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, now that I’m getting more sleep, I know it was what she needed and that listening to her needs, even when it was hard, was exactly the right thing to do.
Now, she’s almost 3 and we rarely have to get up with her in the night. It’s wonderful to be well rested again (even if she is still an early riser and comes in around 6:30 every morning for her milkies)!
AMEN! Loved your article!! It hurts my heart to hear about babies allowed to cry it out. My almost 2.5 year old son still gets parented to sleep….still crawls into bed with my husband and I every night….we wouldn’t have it any other way. Sleep is such an important thing, there’s no reason to make it stressful and scary. Number three is due on 8 more weeks, and I look forward to more night time parenting with her.
I don’t know if I’ve conditioned my baby this way, or if this is just what he needs, but he generally won’t fall asleep unless he’s in his swing (and super tired), in the car (and pretty tired), in my arms, or with me nursing him and laying next to him.
He’s 3 months old and will outgrow his swing soon enough, so that won’t be an option for much longer.
I want him to be able to fall asleep without these crutches, but I’m starting to realize that maybe this is just how he’s programmed. Maybe he needs help falling asleep.
For the last 10 years or so, I’ve been a horrible sleeper. I really hope he can fare better than I!
Thanks for the article, it gives me more confidence in my decision. My daughter is 2, and still waking every 2 hours at night, but I want her to feel that I am there for her, no matter what time it is.
for those of you who might be interested in reading more about AP friendly sleep the books that i found helpful (especially when the bean was younger) were No Cry Sleep Solution and The Sleep Book from the Sears Library. i will warn you that both of these books stressed me out a little bit when i read about how many hours of sleep my kid should be getting (neither of my kids seem to sleep that much) but aside from that it was nice to have some strategies that felt comfortable to me and also the permission to do nothing but follow my heart.
hope that helps.
My story is almost exactly the same except my oldest just started falling asleep on her own recently and she is almost four. It is great to see others who approach nighttime parenting the same way. I have felt very “alone” in my ideas. Also thank you for calling it parenting when others call it lunacy.
I have 3 children and have always responded to their needs, night or day. My 5 year old sleeps very well in his own bed all night, while he sometimes comes into our bed. My 3 year old comes into our bed every night at some point and my 21 month old just started going to sleep in her own bed, but always comes into our bed within a few hours. It would seem foreign to me to ever let our children cry it out. I have a lot of friends with children who have had their babies in seperate rooms from the beginning and who have never heard of attachment parenting, so it’s nice to read about other people who feel the same way I do about parenting. People think I’m super mom because I practice attachment parenting, but to me it’s natural and I wouldn’t want it any other way.
Thanks for this. Our 2 year old is a great sleeper, but ever since we moved our four year old into a regalar bed (at just over 2 years old), he has been a terrible sleeper. My husband is constantly fretting over how “everyone else’s kid’s sleep well” and wondering why ours doesn’t and when will bedtime stop being such a battle so we can get some sleep too? I’ll be sure to show him your piece. You just verified what I knew all along–our son is not a natural sleeper and there’s nothing wrong with helping him.
It’s nice to hear everyone doing what works for them, not following some arbitrary schedule of events. My 6 month old sleeps with me all night, and does she ever sleep all night! People comment on how “good” she is, content and secure, but when they learn that she sleeps in our bed, they give the eyebrow raise, like they’ve discovered my grave weakness. Babies aren’t by rule made to sleep alone. Many of them tell their mamas they don’t like it, the difference with all of you who wrote before me is that you actually listen.
Thank you. Our wee love is 9 months and is waking every 1 -2 hrs. We sometimes get 3 or 3 1/2 hrs at the beginning of the night – wow!! but she is either in her Amby Baby next to us, or in bed with me! I follow her. We tried (to my horror now) holding her and not feeding her twice, cos’ I was about to go crazy with sleep deprivation! but I know in my heart to follow her and hold her close. She is so, so dear – Thank You for this encouraging and touchign article.
My son is 3 months old – thus far we’ve had no trouble with him at night – he spends every night with us. When he was brand new I held him all night, as he got a little older we were able to put him down in the cosleeper, swaddled, if he starts to wake I can reach over and pat him to sleep – he just wants to know we’re still there.
Our sleep routine has evolved as he’s grown. He used to exclusively nurse to sleep, now most nights he gets ‘bounced’ to sleep (exercise ball) after being changed, swaddled, fed, and then bounced. Whether he sleeps through the night is one of the most frequent questions I get. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t. I don’t really keep track (or remember all the time!) Sometimes I nurse him and put him back in his cosleeper if he falls right back asleep, sometimes I hold him the rest of the night. I can’t imagine him being any farther away from me. I don’t put him in another room during the day, why would I do it at night?
It’s for my own comfort as much as it is for his.
Thank you so much for your heartfelt articles about Bean and his sleep journey. I am 18 months into a similar journey with my little girl, and finding and reading these articles has allowed me to breathe and let go of the anxiety and the criticisms that *I* somehow created miss B’s sleep struggles – she still wakes every 1-2 hours every night and needs to nurse back to sleep, and my heart tells me that she *will* figure it out, but not on my time or terms, on hers. Bean’s story gives me the hope and encouragement that a tired Mama needs when the journey has been as hard on her sleep as it has been on her baby’s.
So, thank you. May both their sleeps continue to bless them with good rest and happy dreams!
~ judith, nighttime parenting mama to 18-month-old miss B
Reading your story makes me feel like there is a light at the end of this long journey toward sleep. My daughter is almost 5 months old and will not sleep unless held or curled up next to me. She falls asleep nursing, and sometimes I can pull away without waking her up, but most times she wakes. She wakes every 1-3 hours and needs to be nursed back to sleep. This includes naps. I find myself in bed with her 12-14 hours a day. We’ve tried “everything” except crying it out. I agree that it just seems wrong and unnecessary. I am home with her and what we have an abundance of is time. We don’t have anywhere we have to be, the dishes and the laundry will always be there–now is the time to just be. I am giving her what she shows me she needs. I am constantly asked, how’s she sleeping? And all of my answers are problems– with us, not long, etc. But I have decided that it isn’t a problem unless I believe it is. This is just how life is right now, and it’s beautiful and full of wonder as I feel her warm sweetness sleeping peacefully next to me.
This could have been written by me, about my own two children, the story is so similar to my own. And I have come to the same conclusion, that baby-led sleep is the way to go. It just feels right. Thank you for writing this.
I’ve just found this blog after searching the internet for other mums who feed their baby to sleep. my boy is almost 10 months and we feed him to sleep every night at bedtime, and then again when we go to bed, and once in the night. We also tried rocking him to sleep or giving him water, but he was really distressed. feeding seems such a natural loving thing to do, and it’s right there, ready made comfort! It’s so good to know there are other parents out there doing the same thing.
Reading your words brought me tears of validation and joy to know that I am not so alone in this decision I have made to follow my child’s lead when it comes to sleep. What a relief it was to read your article, thank you!