AP Month – Page 5 – APtly Said

Parent Support Support

API, along with its partners, Ask Dr. Sears, Attachment Parenting Canada, Lamaze International, Pathways Connect, Infant Massage USA, Holistic Moms Network, Mothering Magazine, Families for Conscious Living, and Family and Home Network, is pleased to bring the theme of “Relax, Relate, Rejuvenate: Renewed with Parenting Support” to AP Month 2012 and we hope you have been enjoying the blog posts, daily calendar tips, research on the topic of support, local events, social media posts, and increased attention on the importance of parenting support..

We celebrate the depth and value of parenting support, urging parents to find or create and appreciate their parenting support system. We particularly show our gratitude to those who make the support happen: volunteer leaders, group volunteers, and the staff teams, advocates, and donors who support them. In 18 years of offering support, API regularly hears firsthand the impact that support has on parents and their children–and it keeps API and our partners going, doing the good work.

What else keeps us going is knowing that, as parenting support organizations, we do not need to provide all the support ourselves. We turn to each other for support and collaboration, such as with this year’s theme. We enjoy a network of approaches that all contribute so much to parenting and provide parents with options that best meet their needs. We can combine our voices and raise awareness and pinpoint focus on an important topic, far exceeding what one organization could do alone. We can share developments, lessons learned, and research and all to better support parents. We think it is good for us to build each other up, to work together, all for the purpose of doing our best for families. The feedback is that you find our collaboration supportive too.

There are a lot of people to thank, including each of the AP Month 2012 partners. We welcome new ones–Pathways Connect, Holistic Moms Network, Family and Home Network, and Families for Conscious Living–for sharing the message, donating to the auction, contributing to the blog, and most of all supporting families. We also thank our long-time partners, now celebrating our 5th AP Month–Ask Dr. Sears, Mothering Magazine, Infant Massage USA, Lamaze International, and AP Canada–for promoting the theme in their communities The theme and logo this year recognize the cycle of support and how it really is a valuable renewable resource we cannot underestimate. We thank Art Yuen, AP Month Coordinator, for our theme and position statement, and bringing together the entire event with support from Kelly Johnson. Thank you to Dawn Washelesky, logo designer, for conceptualizing this year’s theme. Thank you to Angela Adams and Ashlee Gray for their work on the API auction, and to all the donors for their contributions. Thank you to Courtney Sperlazza for organizing the AP Month blog event, and Kelly Bartlett for organizing our social media activities. Thank you to Rita Brhel and her publications team, for our upcoming Attached Family issue of articles on the theme of parent support. Thank you to our featured AP Month support groups and sharing your stories. Thank you to the local API support groups for organizing events and fundraisers in support of their groups and API.

Thank you to Barbara Nicholson and Wendy Goldstein, for bringing us our Papas and Mamas Sing for Healthy Birth 2012 benefit concert. Thank you to all our many volunteers for the silent auction and ticket sales, and to Lamaze International for partnering in this effort. Thank you to our concert sponsors TriStar Health, 12South Yoga, Village Real Estate Services, Delbert McClinton and Wendy Goldstein, Trey and Lisa Calfee, and Phil and Reedy Hickey. For a one-of-a-kind night, thank you to Delbert McClinton and Band, Beth Chapman, Jonnell Mosser, Siobhan Kennedy, and Carmella Ramsey, Kevin and Yates McKendree, The McCrary Sisters, Gary Nicholson, and Doyle and Debbie. Thank you to Third and Lindsley Bar and Grill for hosting the event. Thank you to Dr. William and Martha Sears for presenting the API “Attached at the Heart” 2012 Contributions in Parenting Award to Ina May Gaskin, and recognizing our honorees Ricki Lake and Abby Epstein for their work on the Business of Being Born.

Let’s cap off this year’s celebration by making sure this good work can continue with some support of the AP Month Auction! Make your bids and show your appreciation to our donors and the work of all our volunteers.

Parent support support is a role that all of us can play, helping organizations who are dedicated to equipping and empowering parents through the most important role there is–nurturing our children for healthy lives.

Maybe Next Year

While I wade through a (wonderfully lucky) year of maternity leave with my two small children, I’ve found myself occasionally deluged with the continual motion of the world around me. Nothing has stopped since my son was born in January – friends and family members and groups f which I am a part are having parties and weekends away and all manner of events that, while they sound amazingly fun, just do not work for me. I have a 3.5-year-old. I have an 8-month-old. My days are spent driving to preschool, doing laundry, prepping dinner, soothing boo-boos, mitigating tantrums, singling lullabies. My evenings are spent nursing and rocking and collapsing into bed. So I’ve found myself saying this a lot lately: “Maybe next year.”

Parenting, obviously, involves many choices. Lots of those choices inevitably mean sacrifice or compromise on the part of the parent. Now, on the one hand, I firmly believe that part of being an effective and loving parent is meeting my own needs in addition to those of my children – whether that be a monthly pedicure, book club, La Leche League meeting, whatever. But the plain fact is: if those things that I want interfere with my #1 job, that of parent, I need to consider back-burnering them for a bit.

I didn’t come to this place glibly or quickly. With my first child, that sometimes suffocating intensity of single-child mothering pushed me into occasional frustration over my lack of freedom. But now with my second child, for some reason, I find much more peace in simply doing what my baby needs of me. For my son, at least right now, that means me being with him for frequent nursing and cuddling from his bedtime at about 7 pm until 10 or 11, during which time he is restless and wakeful and just needs me nearby to settle in for some deep sleep later at night. Yes, it pretty much limits my evening activities to reading Kindle books on my iPhone in the dark. But this time around it’s a lot easier for me to know that it’s just for now. It will change. So all those things I might like to do? They just don’t make sense for my family right now. To put it in perspective…

Things I am Missing This Year:

Maya Angelou speaking at a local university.
Concerts by some of my favorite bands that hardly ever come to my area.
Margarita-soaked evenings with girlfriends.
Dinner-and-a-movie dates with my husband. Well, any evening date with my husband, really.

Things I am NOT Missing:

Reading Goodnight Moon to my little boy while he tries to eat the pages.
Singing him to sleep in my arms with Bob Dylan’s “Make You Feel My Love” as we walk around in the dark.
Snuggling with my daughter and husband after the baby is asleep, listening to her “read” Dr. Seuss’ “What Was I Scared Of” in her expressive, lispy little girl voice.
A rare few quiet moments after both kids are asleep and my husband and I can actually have a conversation, where, instead of talking about politics or the latest new release, we inevitably talk about how amazing it is to us that our daughter can recite entire books, or how cute our son is when he tucks his lower lip in and hums like he’s talking to us.

Concerts and speakers and date nights and girls’ evenings out will still be there next year or the year after that. But my children will only be this little once, and as each month slips all too quickly between my fingers, I am sure that I am exactly where I need to be. Next year my kids will need me a teeny bit less. And the year after that, even less. And less and less until they will have whole lives, whole personal dramas playing out beyond my knowledge, whole days and weeks and years where I am not the center of their existence. I am so needed right now – more than I will ever be again – and that knowledge makes it easier to turn down those invitations. With any luck I will have years to do those things, but this little boy asleep with his soft fuzzy head on my chest will be grown before I know it, and I’m sure it is this I will want to remember.

AP Month Blog Event – Featured Posts by Sandra and Kim

The 2012 AP Month Blog Event is here! Every Tuesday, we will select blogs to feature that best demonstrate this month’s theme, “Relax, Relate, Rejuvenate: Renewed with Parent Support.” Make sure to leave a comment and let us know what you do to Relax, Relate and Rejuvenate!

Sandra from Baby Love Wraps shares her thoughts on what support has meant for her and her family. http://babylovewraps.com/attachment-parenting/sharing-and-relating-openly-in-an-effort-to-find-support-give-support-and-connect/

Kim from Rites for Girls shows the importance of being able to lean on others when you’re not feeling your best. http://ritesforgirls.com/blessed-illness/

Many thanks to the bloggers for this week’s submissions!

When Relatives Criticize, Transitioning to Stay-at Home Parent, and More at The Attached Family

It’s finally here! This October, in celebration of Attachment Parenting Month 2012, The Attached Family online magazine is focusing on the importance of parent-to-parent support. No matter who we are, where we live, or where we are on our parenting journey, each of us longs to connect with like-minded others:

Who’s Your Support?

Get the inside details on what exactly goes on inside an API Support Group:

The plethora of parenting books and online resources available today are a wonderful resource to parents, but even with the best of Internet discussion forums and teleseminars, there is nothing like in-person parenting support offered by a group of like-minded parents in your community. We all seek out a strong support community: Some of us may find a family or two nearby to share a regular playdate; others may bounce parenting questions off one trusted friend; for many parents, an API Support Group offers what we’re looking for–a group of parents who share the same goals and the same struggles in a society that’s not always friendly toward Attachment Parenting choices.

When Relatives Criticize

American parenting educator and author Naomi Aldort gives sound advice to parents whose relatives disagree with their childrearing choices:

One of the main reasons we find it so hard to inspire respect from relatives and friends is because we seek their agreement. When my children were young, my father used to interrupt every one of my attempts to explain our parenting philosophy; he would say, “That’s rubbish” followed by, “Let me tell you how it works.” He never heard what I had to say. With time, I learned to generate his respect by honoring who he is while keeping my own vision unharmed. I realized that my desire to explain got in the way of granting my father his own thoughts. He needed to be heard and to have his point of view appreciated. My fear that if I showed interest in his ideas I will have to follow them was unfounded, not because he did not wish that I would, but because it was up to me to be the parent of my children.

Don’t Believe Everything in the News

American psychologist Ralph S. Welsh shares why parents need to take media-hyped parenting reports with a grain of salt:

I was horrified to discover the [2010] media attention given to the findings of Prof. Marjorie Gunnoe’s small, twice-rejected-by-peer-reviewed-journals, study on the positive value of spanking children. It gives an extremely bad message to many desperate parents of troubled kids who are stumbling around trying to find the best methods of discipline in dealing with them. Moreover, there is a mountain of data flatly refuting her claims that can be found in thousands of carefully planned and executed studies on the relationship between spanking and later aggressive behavior. Why the media would spotlight this shabby piece of research is beyond me.

Transitioning Home

API interviews Catherine Myers, director of the Family & Home Network:

Many new parents or parents-to-be would like to stay at home with their children but find the transition from a professional career to a stay-at-home lifestyle to be a bit bumpy. I certainly did. I was used to fast-paced days as an investigative news journalist and often nights and weekends as an assistant managing editor. I wanted to stay home after my first baby was born, but I had quite the learning curve as my life slowed to the pace of caring for a baby. I wouldn’t have traded any of those amazing moments of watching my children grow, but it would’ve made for a smoother first few years if I had been more prepared for how life changes with a new baby, especially if you’re a newly minted stay-at-home parent.

Parenting for a Sustainable World: Cultivating a Reverance for Life

API cofounder and author Lysa Parker discusses how Attachment Parenting and conscientious living come full circle:

It wasn’t until I became a parent that I truly understood the deep connection between early childhood experiences and how they affect our relationship to the earth and all living things. In my work with children, I found that many kids seem to have a natural affinity to nature, but this affinity must be nurtured, or it gets buried like so many other gifts.

The Power of Connection – Guest Post by Nancy Massotto

This year’s Attachment Parenting Month theme is “Relax, Relate, Rejuvenate: Renewed with Parent Support.” We are delighted to kick off AP Month with a guest post about the importance of support by Nancy Massotto, Founder and Director of Holistic Moms Network.

We live in a virtual world. We connect online, spend hours in front of screens, and “friend” people we hardly know. But deep inside, intuitively, and especially as parents, we know in our hearts that in-person, face-to-face connection matters. We know it for our children and carry them, wear them, share sleep with them. But we seem to be forgetting that in real connection is just as important for adults. In real life connection and community matter holistically – for physical health, emotional wellness, stress reduction, and spiritual growth.

Yes, in recent years, we have seen a remarkable decline in the social and civic engagement of Americans. Over the past 25 years there has been a 58% drop in attendance to club or group meetings, a 43% decline in family dinners, and a 35% reduction in simply having friends over. Oh, sure, we’re busy. We have other things to do. So what’s the big deal? The problem is that a decline in connection reduces “social capital” or the collective value of our social networks which help build trust and cooperation. A reduction in social capital has been linked to decreased worker productivity, rising rates of depression, higher rates of crime, juvenile delinquency, teenage pregnancy, and child abuse. Social capital is also what makes governments more accountable and responsive to their populace. And, on an individual level, a lack of social capital leads not only to loneliness, but also to a lack of trust among people and an unwillingness to help others. In 1960 55% of American adults believed that others could or should be trusted most of the time while by 1998, only 30% agreed. “By virtually every measure, today’s Americans are more disconnected from one another and from the institutions of civic life than at any time since statistics have been kept. Whether as family members, neighbors, friends, or citizens, we are tuning out,” argues the researchers of the Better Together Report.

Reconnecting through social groups by being part of community, serving on a town committee, organizing a neighborhood block party, supporting local businesses and farms, or singing in a choir can help rebuild our social capital, reaping benefits on individual, group, and national levels (click here for more ideas on building social capital). Being part of supportive parenting group is another way to help recreate community and play an active role in strengthening not only social capital, but your own personal health and well-being. It matters for all of us and for the sustainability of future generations! In fact, joining a community group could actually cut your risk of dying next year in half. According to political scientist and author Robert Putnam, being part of a social network has a significant impact on your health. “Joining a group boosts your life expectancy as much as quitting smoking” according to the Saguaro Seminar on Civic Engagement in America published by Harvard University.

One of the biggest challenges – and frustrations – that we have at organizations such as Attachment Parenting International and at the Holistic Moms Network is that we believe in the power of building community. We understand how valuable community is, not only in crisis, but every single day. We recognize the power of connection, the energy behind being supported, and the difference that we can make collectively. We believe that communities are what make our culture successful – and that apathy and a lack of participation is what destroys it. And we see far too much of the latter. Online communities don’t cut it. Facebook friends can’t help you care for a sick child, run an errand for you, or give you a shoulder to cry on. Virtual forums can’t give you a hug, watch your kids while you clean up a mess, or cook you a hot meal in your time of need.

Real people can. Real communities can. And some of our proudest moments come during these times. Whether in illness or injury, or a life-changing event like having a new baby, real life communities rise up to support their members. Members encourage each other through the rough times – the sleepless nights, the breastfeeding challenges, the teen rebellions.

Overcoming apathy is an uphill battle. Constantly encouraging people to participate, to get involved, and to be active is not always easy. We are so insular in our daily lives that we forget how wonderful it is to have that group connection – not only when a crisis hits, but even in the good times. A simple conversation, a shared experience, or a helping hand can make the difference. I encourage you to be part of it, in real life, in real time, every day. Find the time, create the opportunity, and be part of a community. Feed your soul, help another, and make a difference. It’s up to you. If we all stop participating, we have no one but ourselves to blame when the communities we depend upon no longer exist.

Nancy Massotto is the Founder and Executive Director of the Holistic Moms Network and mother to two boys. She founded the Holistic Moms Network to meet other parents who shared her passions for living healthy and living sustainably, and to help raise awareness about natural living options

Welcome Attachment Parenting Month, and the New Blog of API

For the time of day when you pour yourself some tea, put your feet up, and want some lighthearted reading by parents just like you. For those days when you just need a few tips and tricks to get through a tough stage. For those times you could use a little assurance that what feels like madness is actually normal and okay. For those moments of triumph when your efforts are rewarded and you just have to share your story…

Welcome to the new home of Attachment Parenting International’s blog, APtlySaid.org! Today marks the beginning of Attachment Parenting Month, and this year’s theme is Relax, Relate, Rejuvenate: Renewed with Parent Support. APtly Said is a treasure trove of information, stories and tidbits that add to your parent support toolbox. Perhaps you’re looking for a quick, relatable and helpful read, or you need ideas to share at your API Support Group, or maybe you want to help your playground friend with a difficulty she’s been facing. You’ll find plenty to read, share and discuss here.

All of your favorite stories and writers from API Speaks are right here, and we’ve welcomed some new faces as well.

We’re looking forward to what’s in store at APtly Said. Throughout AP Month, we’re featuring guest posts from some big names in Attachment Parenting! Make sure to subscribe or check back so you don’t miss a thing.

Also: we’re getting a makeover! Watch for our new look, coming soon!

Enough with the ‘mom enough’ stuff…Can we just talk?

There’s little more demoralizing than being told what we’re doing is wrong, or that there’s a better way, or worse – that we’re in some way harming or damaging our children. We take it very personally, especially when the criticism centers around our parenting.

That’s why the TIME cover and tagline, “Are You Mom Enough” exploded over the media as it did. Their job was to get attention and ultimately sell copies. Unfortunately, to do so, they resorted to playing on mothers’ emotions and spotlighting the negative, competitive vibe around a conversation that should be supportive, encouraging and helpful.

pathways magazine fall 2012 The Fall 2012 issue of Pathways magazine features the cover mom herself, Jamie Lynne Grumet, sharing her thoughts and clearing the air about the TIME cover photo and the media storm surrounding it all. Grumet tells Pathways, “I think the hate that comes from some mothers is from defensiveness and that they believe what we are saying is that what they do is less or they are hurting their child, which is totally untrue. There are so many ways to parent.”

It’s not just TIME. It happens all too often. Some parenting practice is framed as an us vs. them, a red team against the blue team, a this-way-wins-over-that-way or this-group-is-better-than-that-group issue. Then we, as parents, end up divided.

Sadly, when this is the arena we’re given, we’re left with little choice. We either risk getting into a debate, or we stay hush-hush about how we parent. Parenting becomes one of those off-limits topics, like religion and politics. We don’t want to offend anyone, fuel the mommy wars, or create guilt. As a result, we miss out on conversations that inform us, ease our fears and give us new ideas or perspectives.

It’s a shame, because we want to reach out, to get support. To give support. Instead, we miss out on the kinds of discussions that benefit our children.

We can’t control what the big media outlets will do. All we can do is try to create an environment for healthy conversation within our own circles. When you find yourself discussing parenting, here are some things to keep in mind to keep it friendly and supportive:

Remember, the AP principles are adaptable. For example, “feed with love and respect” applies to parents who breastfeed as well as parents who bottle-nurse. “Respond with sensitivity” is about as non-specific as it gets and applies to all kinds of interactions. Each of the principles is written very broadly and can be adapted to every family situation.

We never know the whole story. So we can’t possibly judge without all of the details.

We all make mistakes and are doing our best. We all want what is best for our kids and we’re working with what we’ve got. Nobody can be faulted for that.

Change the subject if you must. Some people just want to be right. And that’s okay. When the conversation takes a turn toward competitiveness and winning or losing, and that uncomfortable feeling sets in, it may be time to move to another topic.

Respond with sensitivity (sound familiar?). Always assume the other person’s feelings are easily hurt. This is advice my husband and I were given right before we got married, and it applies well here. If you assume the other person is sensitive, you won’t say anything wrong.

Want to open up a discussion with other parents who share your goals? API Support Groups provide a nice, level playing field that encourages helpful discussion and avoids judgment and competition. Find a support group in your area.

Also, coming soon: Jamie Lynne Grumet and her family will be featured in the next issue of The Attached Family!

Your Blog Could Be Featured on API!

Open call for AP Month Carnival of Blog Submissions

Blog about your “support team” and join in the AP Month celebration as we round up the secrets of group support! We’ll be showcasing selected blog posts in our Blog Carnival in October so warm up your fingers and let us hear about ways social support (groups) have been beneficial to (or absent from) your parenting – and your sanity! Ideas you might cover (but are not limited to):

ways you regularly rely on, access or wish to gain social support
ways you find social support to be stress reducing
benefits you’ve found from social support
surprising benefits
breakthrough moments
struggles getting regular support

Publish your post to your blog with the following text (including hyperlinks):

This post is part of the Attachment Parenting Month blog carnival, hosted by Attachment Parenting International.

3. Kindly remove any promotional and advertisement features from your posts.

4. Once your post is completed, submit a link to your submission via email toapispeaks@attachmentparenting.org with a short message that the post is part of the AP Month 2012 blog carnival.

Submissions will be accepted until September 15!

Please note that in order to participate in the AP Month 2012 blog carnival, the post must be published and publicly viewable.

If you do not have a blog, but would like to submit a guest post for AP Month, please emailapispeaks@attachmentparenting.org to make arrangements.

Check out AP Month!