The Concerns of Co-Sleeping Dads

“A good night’s sleep” is a phrase I hear often in my house. Since our 18 month old enjoys a good night’s sleep most every night, it isn’t from her mouth that I hear the phrase (even if she could say it). Sometimes it is me making an excuse about why I felt unmotivated to get this or that done: “Oh, if I’d only had a good night’s sleep, then I would’ve . . .” But, more often I hear the phrase from my husband. We discuss family planning. This is never a good idea after we have not had a “good night’s sleep.” And, I’m learning, it isn’t a good idea to bring up family planning when my husband has had an overwhelming day at the office. On his more stressful days, he becomes passionate when the topic of sleep comes up: “I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a year and half.” Annabelle giggles at him as though she knows exactly what he is saying. I try to hold back a smile (because our wakeful little girl is cute and has stolen my heart completely, sleep or no sleep). And then, together my husband and I share a moment adoring our daughter and I know we’re both thinking, “Isn’t she worth it?”

To be honest, we are sometimes sleep deprived. But for the most part, I know that I rack up a decent night’s sleep and am able to make up for lost sleep during the day, with my daughter napping beside me. I realize that my husband doesn’t have that option. He’s not your regular George Costanza, crawling under his desk to get some shut eye. But, my husband is one of those blessed people who sleeps through storms, probably air bombs, and definitely through the wakings of a teething toddler. What then are his less than “good night’s sleep”? I am guessing those are the nights when I, the ever waking mom, startle him from his sleep and beg for mercy from our daughter. Annabelle nurses through her teething pain, and after a few hours, non-stop breastfeeding is uncomfortable for me, not to mention difficult to sleep through.

Right now we are at a stand still. Annabelle falls asleep in her crib and remains there for several hours until her first waking. Once she is awake, I nurse her or my husband soothes her and she goes back to sleep in her crib. On other nights, she demands a place beside her mom and dad in our family bed. We all wake up together in our bed just about every morning.

My husband, meanwhile, outlines his plans for successfully making it through the entire night with our daughter sleeping in her crib. In the back of his mind, I know he wants to spend more time with me, more time playing pool, and more time just well, sleeping in.

The way I see our sleeping arrangement is that our daughter will gradually become more comfortable sleeping away from her parents, but that it is our job to encourage her trust in her parents as well as her own self-confidence by staying with her through the night, reassuring her that we are there for her no matter what.

And my husband agrees with my point of view, the latter part anyway. He is a most devoted and doting father. I observe the two of them walking together and playing. His voice changes when he speaks with her; he becomes a younger, more carefree version of himself. Even his body language loosens up. He no longer thinks about what is going on at his office, what deadlines are up, etc. He focuses entirely on his daughter.
So I asked him one night, “Do you think that your bond with Annabelle has anything to do with co-sleeping? I mean, think about it. You go to work all day and don’t see Annabelle. Yeah, you have some time with her at night, but just think about how many hours you two spend together sleeping, not to mention how you play together when you wake up in the morning.”

My husband fights a smile. “Maybe I’m just a good father?” he says. He hates to admit that he could ever be wrong about something, but maybe, just maybe, he senses an inkling of truth when it comes to how co-sleeping has benefited his relationship with our daughter.

For those of you who are co-sleeping or are considering co-sleeping, below are several articles addressing dads’ concerns about co-sleeping, the positive effects of co-sleeping with our children, and how to co-sleep safely:

A Balancing Act

In talking to parents, especially mothers, in the 6 ½ years that I’ve been a mother, I’ve learned that the hardest thing many parents face is finding time to oneself. This is definitely the thing I struggle with the most. Everybody in the family has needs which must be met, and as attachment parents, we realize the vital importance of meeting our children’s needs. Unfortunately for me, a casualty is often my needs. API even lists Strive for Balance in your Personal and Family Life as a Principle, but that has continually been my hardest item to meet, especially in regards to my own need to rejuvenate.

I’ve tried many things to get a few hours to myself every week. I’ve read books in a local sandwich shop. I’ve gone to the mall. My husband would even take the kids to the zoo on the weekend so I could get a few hours to sit and veg. However, none of those hit the nail on the head for me. Nothing met my needs.

But then a few years ago I hit upon something that met my need for alone time out of the house as well as the added benefit of exercise. I started walking. As soon as my husband came home from work, I’d head out the door, sneakers on my feet and mp3 player in my pocket. It’s a routine that still continues today.

My walks last about 35 minutes, and I go seven days a week, weather permitting. I really look forward to this time every day, I love that I’m able to exercise, and as a very non-athletically-gifted person, walking is about the extent of my coordination skills! I love that I get time to wind down at the end of the day, and the fact that I get to listen to my very favorite podcasts uninterrupted is the icing on the cake.

My children are ages six and three, and it took me four years to discover this way to rejuvenate my soul. What do you all do? How much time do you need for yourself, and how do you find it?

Role Model Parenting

This summer marks my 20th anniversary of parenting. Right this moment, my 4-month-old daughter is nursing in the sling strapped to my chest. My (almost) 14-year-old daughter is stomping noisily up the stairs in protest after having some kind of disagreement with her 5-year-old sister about the last dish of mac & cheese. My 19-year-old son is throwing a load of laundry into the washer. This is my life: a bit chaotic, a tad overwhelming, and completely filled with people I adore. I’m not sure if I accurately recall my life before I started my journey into parenthood two decades ago. Those childless years of my life must not have been very important to me since I have so many rich, vivid and love-filled memories of my life since then. I wouldn’t trade the life I have now, even if I could remember why I would want to. Each of my children has presented unique challenges, and have provided unparalleled joys.

I certainly did not begin this journey into parenthood with the AP Principles conveniently written down for me. I could not have found them online (yeah, that’s right, I parented for almost 11 years without the infinite wisdom of the Internet! Gasp!) I had the standard parenting library of the time: Dr. Spock, T. Barry Brazleton, and Penelope Leach. My parenting bible was LLL’s The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding which I turned to for all things breastfeeding and non-breastfeeding alike. I felt I was doing the best that I could with the tools that I had. Judging from the results, my instincts weren’t too bad. I look at the two teens who live in my house, eat all of the food, and call me mom, and what I see (most of the time) are helpful, spirited, creative, compassionate, respectful people.

I sometimes worry that my older children missed out on the benefits of Attachment Parenting because I did not have access to all of the information that I have now. Looking back I can see that I did okay. I wore them in backpacks and carriers whenever possible. I certainly thought of them as complete, conscious humans right from the start. I breastfed despite facing downright disapproval from many of the so-called parenting authorities in my community at the time. I often told people that they were sleeping through the night in their own cribs, when they were, in fact, in my bed nursing all night long.

My first born is about to be unleashed into the world when he goes off to college this fall. In addition to most of his possessions, all of our mismatched towels, and a crate of Ramen Noodles, he will also be taking along 14 years of big brother experience; 14 years of living in a family where healthy pregnancy, normal childbirth, and extended breastfeeding were modeled for him as each of his little sisters were welcomed into the world. He doesn’t run away or apologize for coming into the room while I am nursing. He sees my husband being a supportive and loving father. I have no doubt that someday he will take all of these examples and create his own parenting philosophies. My (almost) 14-year old daughter was the photographer for our recent homebirth and is super excited about finally being allowed to have a sling of her own to wear the baby in. I am confident that she will make loving, informed parenting choices for the rest of her life. Getting kids to accept your quirky parenting stuff when they are very young is a given–they love you and think you are the sun, the moon, and the stars. Pulling it off when they are in the midst of high school, hormones, dating, punk music, and Nietzsche, is a whole different story.

So even though I might not necessarily have been the ideal Attachment Parent when they were babies, I certainly have given my older children a gift I consider to be equally valuable: an example of parenting their little sisters that they will always remember and that I am proud to have modeled for them. My son won’t have to rely on vague, hazy memories of his youngest siblings nursing when it comes time to support his future wife and baby on their breastfeeding journey: he has never known any other way for babies to be fed. My daughter will never fear the unknown, or need to hear me reminisce over photographs of her own birth to feel confident when it comes time to give birth to her own babies: she has seen the power of birth up close and in person. They have been here every step of the way and have been involved in the process of learning and growing right alongside of me. Despite all of these wonderful examples, I trust that they will give me a few more years before I have to become an Attachment Grandparent, though!

Justine

The Sling Fairy

For those of you who are keen on sewing, yet are not familiar with a sewing machine, first should gain proficiency with the entirety of the essentials with a straightforward sort of sewing machine and from that point, you can advance to one that is further developed. Attempting to sew when you are not accustomed to it tends to be very ungainly and badly arranged for anybody to stay there and start pushing on the foot pedal. In any case, there are some that are moderate and for a tenderfoot.

One of the initial moves towards figuring out how to sew is for you to think about sewing, similar to what a bobbin and a weighted foot and furthermore a mobile foot are. As a rule, the sewing machine was constantly present in a greater part of homes wherever for a long time and is a serious supportive instrument at whatever point it comes to sewing.

Once in the past, the sewing machine innovation was not especially advanced. Just a customary sort of was utilized by individuals for sewing garments. In any case, as innovation propelled it likewise contributed towards these machines as well. Today there are such huge numbers of various highlights and usefulness. A genuine amateur may become befuddled while picking one that is for fledglings. For any individual who is searching for one that is useful for apprentices, best sewing machine for beginners 2019 can help you to buy the best sewing machine.

With respect to any sort of other hardware, before you choose to buy one, you will be required to know exactly why you are getting one. Recording your essential explanations behind why you truly need one will assist you with choosing the best sewing machine that suits you as indicated by the entirety of your necessities and your needs.

Since you are a learner you will need to ask yourself a couple of things. Do you truly require a basic one or one that is propelled, what is the scope of your financial limit and exactly what amount are you arranged to spend and furthermore will you go through the machine for running stylistic layout assignments at home or perhaps trendy apparel, will you use it for any weaving, will you need a lighter or a compact one and exactly how much space do you have and need inside the house.

In the wake of thinking about the entirety of the related inquiries, you will need to consider its usefulness which is required with these kinds of machines. Whichever one you choose to pick, be certain that is will accompany highlights like a decent crisscross, straight join, movable foot pressure, simple usefulness for making some catch openings and furthermore fasten with lengths from zero to six.

Should you be a tenderfoot then you will need to remain with a low spending plan. You will have the option to discover some with great highlights at extreme ease. For learners, it is a smart thought for you to stay with a fundamental sort and not an increasingly mind-boggling one.

There are numerous brands and types that are only incredible for amateurs. At the point when you are all set out and purchase a one, you will need to go to a hardware shop and request that the sales rep show one of them for you, so along these lines, you will know exactly what it will take for you to work it.

A day in the life…

This week, I’ve been struggling with what it means to be a parent-activist. Because, whether we call ourselves activists or not, that’s part of what comes with the territory when you choose to parent outside the mainstream. Some of that is good–I love it when someone approaches me with compliments or questions about my Baby Hawk carrier, or when someone comments appreciatively on the way I (try to) gently handle my son’s tantrums. I love that I have become a breastfeeding resource not just to my local support group members, but to my friends and family.

But where I struggle is with the uphill battle API faces as an organization committed to challenging, and eventually changing, society’s perception of what the parent-child bond should look like from punitive and controlling to loving, empathic, and respectful. As a relatively new member of the API Volunteer Staff, I catch myself looking at things through rose-colored glasses: if we’ve got intuition and research on our side, AP should be an easy sell!

However, as with any grassroots organization that is trying to affect major cultural change, we have a lot of work ahead of us if we want Attachment Parenting to be a household name.

Every day, as API educates parents about safe sleep practices that promote bonding and breastfeeding–two of Dr. Sears’ original Baby Bs–there are organizations who use fear to motivate families to isolate their children in a crib in a separate room from parents. Every day, as organizations like Lamaze International, API, and BOLD attempt to spread the word about making educated decisions about birth, some members of the medical community attempt to pass resolutions to limit a family’s choices to hospital birth.

These are just two examples of the challenges we face. But, to remind everyone that progress is being made, I’d like to share two little victories:

The first, if you can stand the video and audio being out of sync, is a wonderful video in which Phyllis Diller, fantastic funny lady behind the voices of many children’s cartoon characters–including the Queen in A Bug’s Life, speaks out on the importance of breastfeeding.

She shares her experience of breastfeeding six children (sadly, only five survived infancy), of feeding her NICU baby pumped milk, and her vision that mothers be willing and allowed to take a year off of work after birth so that they can form the important bond of breastfeeding their child. Well done Phyllis!

The second is an article by Tabi Upton of the Chattanooga Times Free Press entitled Parenting Strategies Today, which features Attachment Parenting. Although I do not know the name of the API member who is referenced in this story, I want to thank you–today you were a parent-activist for API, perhaps even without meaning to be, and you not only made a difference, but you made my day!

Positive Discipline-Need Ideas

By Heather (A Mama’s Blog)

I thought having a second child would not be as hard as having one. After all, I had already been through it once, how much harder could a second child be?

I found out within hours of Cole’s birth (my second child) that having a second child does not mean he or she will be like your first child. In fact, in some ways it is harder. Instinctively, you seem to do what worked for your first child, with your second child. Sometimes you are lucky and it works- but in my case, it seems more often than not, what methods worked for my first child, Ryan, do not even come close to working for Cole.

So many times I have not felt like an experienced mother with Cole. I feel like I am a first-time mother again, figuring it all out. At times it does feel harder, because I try to use something on Cole that worked with Ryan, and it backfires- and then I am back at square one, and wondering why my techniques that worked so great with Ryan do not have the same outcomes with Cole.

Of course I know Cole is not Ryan and is a totally different person. It makes sense that the same techniques do not and should not work the same on two different children. But, that doesn’t make me wish they would at times.

A big issue we are facing right now with Cole is positive discipline. The methods we used with Ryan worked instantly and effectively. However, Cole laughs at us when we try to correct him and ends up hitting or biting us.

I think some of this is just his general frustrations in not being able to speak fully yet. Like most two-year olds, he has some vocabulary, but can’t fully communicate his feelings or thoughts yet. I know when he is mad, instead of communicating his feelings (because he can’t,) his first impulse is to hit, or bite, or yell.

We have tried almost everything we can think of from talking to him, holding him, diverting his attention elsewhere, to removing him from the situation, in hopes of trying to have him to stop biting and hitting, but he always ends up laughing, and at the very next episode, he does the undesirable behavior again. He really only does this when we tell him he can’t be doing something- like pinching his brother or running dangerously close to the street. Naturally, nothing that worked with Ryan in these situations is working on Cole.

So, I am hoping that some of you may have some suggestions for us to try. Ryan was never a hitter or a bitter, so we really are at square one with this. I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas, so we can guide Cole and help him to understand that he can’t bite or hit, while still using gentle and respectful discipline with him.