Category: General Interest

Hearing “I Love You”

My nine-year-old son has never said “I love you”.

I honestly never gave it a second thought until I realized I was being told “I love you” multiple times daily by my five-year-old daughter. For the first time I began to wonder why my son never said it, neither to me nor to anybody else. And while I would never in a million years intimidate him into saying these words, the idea that he never said them made me a little sad.

I’ve said “I love you” to him every day of his life. I harbor no doubt that he does love me intensely, but he’s never said the words. It’s not that he’s emulating his father, because his dad says “I love you” quite often to me and to the kids. Why isn’t our son saying it?

My son is funny and joyful and intelligent. He’s considerate, respectful, and kind. He likes to play with the neighborhood kids. He carries his backpack on one shoulder, the way the kids do in his grade. He high-fives his friends. He air-guitars. To him, I haven’t been “Mama” or “Mommy” in years, but “Mom.”

It was this last thought that sparked the lightbulb over my head. I immediately realized that several times a day, the kid who always calls me “Mom” gives me a large, clinging hug, and simultaneously very happily sighs “Mommy”. A single hug from him lasts several minutes, and while he never says the words, that wonderfully content sigh of “Mommy” is his “I love you”!

This recognition turned my perspective around! No, my son has never said the distinct words “I love you”, but he says he loves me every single day; I just wasn’t listening to him!

I listen to him now, and I hear him say he loves me!

Photo credit: Julia Voßhenrich

What Is It About AP?

I’ve recently been working with some moms who are going through some difficult behaviors with their children.  I enjoy doing this; as a parenting educator, I like helping moms and dads understand their kids’ behaviors and help them find new tools–respectful, empathic, emotionally connective parenting tools–for approaching them.  Although I don’t always have Answers for them, I like knowing that I’m helping people create stronger relationships with each other; we need more emotionally secure people in the world, and it starts at home.

It is hard, though, when I work with a family who has older children and they’ve never parented with attachment parenting or positive discipline…never even heard of attachment parenting, and don’t understand what makes positive discipline “positive”.  These families are not very receptive to new parenting ideas because they think, “that’s not what’s going on,” or, “that will never work.”  They want to continue with their same ways, just find different same ways of doing things.

It makes me wonder what is it about attachment parenting that allows our family to avoid common behavioral issues, or at least respond and recover fairly quickly from them.  Why don’t we have serious behavior problems with our kids that permeate our lives and overall happiness the way some families do?  It’s because from the very beginning of our parenting journey, understanding attachment theory has shaped the way we view our relationships with our kids.  An AP philosophy is the foundation for how we relate to our kids, and therefore how they relate to the world.

So, what exactly is it about AP?  Attachment parenting is about…

Listening.  Active, engaged, responsive listening.  Repeating back back what you are hearing.  Verbalizing the emotions you’re hearing in their thoughts.

Connection. Physical connection; lots of touching, hugs, and cuddles.  But probably the most important form of connection: emotional.Genuine empathy, understanding, and acceptance.

Availability. Being physically and emotionally available as often as possible.  Personally, I don’t take off evenings to do girls’ nights.  I don’t go away for weekend getaways.  I am not looking for my next “mommy break.”  And I also don’t feel like I’m making huge sacrifices to do this.  I enjoy being with my kids, and I make it a point to be there for them; with them.

Common attachment parenting practices for parents of very young babies (such as breastfeeding, babywearing, and co-sleeping) are great for creating a strong early attachment, but what’s most helpful about AP in the early years is that it establishes a strong foundation for a lifetime of positive relationships between parents and children; attachment parenting sets up a positive-parenting-frame-of-mind.  The actual AP methods themselves are certainly healthy for a baby’s development, but they’re not necessarily essential, as it’s the effort and intent behind them that’s crucial.  They establish a philosophy and approach to parenting that parents will use throughout the rest of their experience raising kids.

Attachment parenting is not a checklist of dos and don’ts, it’s about the understanding that with a strong relationship, overcoming any parenting hurdle is possible.  AP is different.  It’s not common, mainstream, or “normal.”  But it’s more about thinking differently thandoing things differently.

Empowering infants as people

So many of our parenting practices, I realize, have to do with treating our baby (6.5 months this week) like a full-fledged person, with the same rights and preferences as her parents. While it may seem weird to the masses, drawing harsh lines between adults and babies doesn’t give our babies enough credit.

For example, we practice Elimination Communication (EC). The philosophy underpinning this practice is that infants are aware – from birth – of their need to eliminate – and prefer to do so in a way that keeps them dry and comfortable, as do we.  This understanding ultimately gave way to the stay-dry disposable diaper, but a much simpler solution is available. We simply monitor our child carefully for signs of needing to eliminate, as we would for signs of hunger. Thus, dd gets to go to the potty, just like her parents do.

Another example – sleeping in a real bed alongside family members. One might argue that asking a baby to spend the night alone is asking them to be mature beyond their years. Personally, I don’t enjoy spending the night alone, and I’m in my 30s. Why should my newborn have to do it?

Another way we resist infantiaizing our infant is baby-led weaning. While many of her peers are being fed bland “enriched” rice cereal and mashed foods, our baby is making choices between the foods her parents are eating, within reason. We acknowledge dd’s limited capacity to chew by providing foods that are soft enough for her to manage – roasted vegetables, hummus and fruits. For me to tell her she needs to consume – much less finish – a food that I wouldn’t touch seems absurd.

Finally, there’s discipline. Who decided that little people have less right to dignity than their elders? This idea is so dominant that I find myself retraining myself and dd’s caretakers – not to tell her to stop crying (it’s our job to soothe and assist, not repress), not to tell her what to say, even in the context of learning essentials like basic vocab or please and thank you, etc.

Sometimes it feels like an uphill battle, but the benefits are enormous. In respecting my child’s dignity and humanness, I reaffirm my own. I find I have greater access to compassion as a result of these practices. And I have my daughter to thank for that.

Good and Bad – what’s in a name?

As a new parent, I’ve begun to notice interesting terminology used by parents and other observers of children. Today I was given a compliment – “you have such a good baby!” Translation: My baby sat quietly during our moms group meeting, looking around contentedly and smiling at babies and moms in the room.

While I’m pleased that my daughter was able to bring joy to those around her, I also reject the premise of the compliment.

Why? To say that a baby is good when she’s happy implies, also, that she’s bad when she’s unhappy.

What our culture begins to communicate, from the first day of life, is that “positive” emotions are acceptable and welcome, and “negative” emotions are unacceptable and unwelcome.

Very few of us are immune to such judgments in our ‘civilized’ society.

How do these judgments affect us?

Many of us have learned to keep “negative” emotions – anger, resentment, frustration, jealousy, discontent – bottled inside. Some of us have become such experts at this practice that we are unaware of the nature or depth of our authentic emotional state.

Many outwardly successful members of society go through life seeking to please others, choosing paths perceived as acceptable in order not to fall out of favor with others.

This pervasive practice of people pleasing (for short, the four p’s) is a recipe for disaster. Not only are we doomed to fail at a life whose goal is to satisfy others – whose minds we can’t read – but even if we were to succeed, we would be failing ourselves.

Takeaways for parents?
Be aware of our language. Even by praising our children, we may invalidate their right to ‘negative’ emotions. Our children are healthier when we enable them to experience life’s highs and lows – with proper support and guidance, of course. Pretending the lows aren’t there doesn’t make them go away; it just sends them deeper underground, doomed for explosion or implosion.

Takeaways for the rest of the population?
We are not good when we are happy and bad when we are down. We are simply experiencing the natural spectrum of emotions as part of our human experience. When we take the time to appreciate all of our experiences, they will have far less power over us, thus increasing our capacity for true joy and contentment.

Waiting For a Rainbow

It’s 5:00 am…rainy…cold…very blustery outside.  Inside there is fire…tea…writing…solitude…ahh.  It’s one of my favorite times of day.  Made even more cozy than usual this morning by the stark contrast of the icy rain pelting the windows and the quiet warmth in here.  I sit here, enjoying my time alone, wondering what kind of day the kids and I will have.  Lately, they’ve not been easy.  I just wonder if, one of these days, we’ll have a pleasant day from wake-up to bedtime?  Is that possible to have a day without conflict and frustration?  Would it even be interesting?  Right now it sounds pretty welcome.

I took this picture just a few days ago from our front porch.  It’s one of Portland’s wintertime perks; we see lots of rainbows. They are the “pleasantness” that appears after a rainstorm (though “storm” is not really the right word, as it’s more like a constant, steady rain for varying periods of time).  Always, after we’ve had some rain, I’ll start checking out the windows thinking, “Is it time for a rainbow yet?”  I’ve learned what rainbow weather looks like; the rain dwindles, but doesn’t disappear completely, and the sun begins to show itself, though not completely or directly.  The sky is a perfect blend of grayness and light.  Then there is a stunning display of color…not everlasting but a beautiful, welcome change from the rain.

Is it time for a rainbow in our house yet?  Maybe today will be “rainbow weather” for us.

Numero Dos: Sharing The Love.


As the date of our big move from the U.S. to Canada approaches and we shuffle from one generous friend’s abode to another, this pregnancy, the little growing one all snug in my tummy, often seems to take a back seat (not in the back of our Volkswagen Golf, but in the back of a very long bus)–which makes me a little sad. Aside from the slowly, and finally, dissipating constant nausea and fatigue, my little tummy buddy hasn’t gotten much air time in any sense of the word over these last 13 weeks.

I can remember the last time I shared my body. It was a little over two years ago. From the day that joyous pink line appeared across the plastic pee stick, little Noah Finn was all that I could think about despite the fact that I was working everyday. I woke up and thought pregnancy, I peed (a lot) and thought pregnancy, I taught and thought pregnancy, I ate (a lot) and thought pregnancy, I slept (very little) and dreamed pregnancy. My growing abdomen was always on my mind.

This time is definitely different. Running after a bouncing, bounding, boisterous toddler while volleying between temporary living situations has certainly captivated the time that I don’t spend eating and sleeping. The fact of the matter is that constant urges to snack and slumber aside, I often forget that I’m pregnant.

What does all of this mean? Is it normal? I am betting so. But it certainly does recall those initial pangs of subtle trepidation I first experienced when pregnancy test number two revealed yet again that solid pink line: sharing the love. How does a mama who has experienced everything about mommying–pregnancy, birth, mothering–with one child not feel guilt about sharing such sacredness with another? It feels almost like cheating on the first.

Melodramatic? Perhaps. But, these are real anxieties, that while slowly fading as the months tick away, remain present nonetheless.

So, how does a mommy share the love–that smothering, doting, gooey love that’s gushed all over the first with the second and subsequent bundles of joy? Will my little Noah feel shortchanged and left out the decision making process–after all, he had no vote here!? Will he harbor feelings of abandonment and isolation, regress and insist on learning the alphabet Z thru A?

Think I’m being melodramatic, again? Perhaps. But these are tangible fears that I sometimes think about. That is, when I remember I’m pregnant anyway.

The Absolute Child

I liked this analogy I read today…about thinking of a child’s behavior not in terms of “positive” or “negative”, but as an absolute.

:: The Absolute Value of Your Child ::

If you were forced to study algebra when you were a teenager, it probably didn’t occur to you that it would one day come in handy as a metaphor for unconditional love. But here it is…In mathematics, the “absolute value” of a number is its *magnitude* regardless of whether it’s positive or negative. So the numbers +50 and -50 have the same absolute value: 50.Likewise, practicing the Art of Unconditionality often means disregarding the negative interpretations of a condition or behavior and finding a way to see it in a positive light. For example:

* Whether your child says “I love you” or “I hate you,” you can appreciate the magnitude of her expressiveness and emotional honesty.

* Whether your child rebels or complies with your wishes, you can appreciate his absolute freedom of choice.

Today as you observe your child, if you see any “negative” behavior then ask yourself, “What is this telling me about the ‘absolute value’ of my child?”

~Scott Noellle

It may be kind of abstract, but it’s a good challenge for me: try to take away the negative connotation of my kids’ taxing behavior.  Rather than get bogged down with what should be; how my child should behave, I can accept what is. If I can do that, I can see who my children are and focus on finding effective ways to help them succeed when their behavior is less than ideal.  When I get caught up in the shoulds and should nots, I lose sight of my kids’ developmental capabilities and subsequent limitations, both emotionally and cognitively.

Even if their behavior is exemplary, it’s still intriguing to think about taking away that “positive” label and getting down to the absolute: who my child is.  My child is thoughtful.  My child is caring.  My child notices when someone else is in distress and considers the reasons why.  My child can also sit still through a meal in a restaurant and hold my hand in a parking lot.  Is that “good” behavior?  I know I sure appreciate it, but it’s no better than the behavior of my child lashing out verbally as a means of emotional expression. It just is.  My children recognize their own feelings enough to know how to express them in an age-appropriate way.

All the behavior I’ve seen in my children has come into our lives in a timely manner (developmentally speaking), and it will depart just the same.  In the meantime, I can disregard the Positive and Negative labels, and consider each “absolute” child.  I can challenge myself to forget the shoulds and should nots, and just accept my children for who they are in every stage of their development!

Consequences or Solutions?

My latest parenting struggle concerns my son. He is nine, and is an absolute joy to be around! He is funny, intelligent, kind, and courteous. He’s the kid I can count on to do what I ask him to do, the first time I ask it. He doesn’t complain about his chores, he adores his little sister, and he does very well in school.

My son loves to read, and often reads in bed. As such, we allow him to self-regulate his bedtime. That is, he doesn’t have a specific lights out, as his sister does. He’s allowed to read in bed as long as he wants, and then be responsible to turn out his own light and go to sleep whenever he wants, provided he can get up in the morning.

This has never been a problem; the kid is always the first one awake!

However, my struggle regards the fact that he’s been falling asleep in his glasses. Continue reading “Consequences or Solutions?”