Practice Positive Discipline – Page 25

Chores Without Threats or Bribery

Contributing to household tasks and responsibilities is a great way for children to feel a sense of belonging. While at first, household contributions may only seem necessary to teach kids about responsibility (true; they do) and prevent a sense of entitlement (they do that, too), it may be surprising to learn that they also contribute something important to the attachment process. Completing a job that benefits everyone not only instills a sense of personal responsibility, but also a sense of importance in the family. There is a sense of pride and participation a child feels in helping out. He knows, “My contributions matter; I matter.” This feeling of significance is a cornerstone of attachment.

That said, we all know it can be difficult to get a child’s willing participation in completing jobs around the house. Our kids don’t have quite the same priorities we do, and they’re not exactly proactive about getting housework done. We end up reminding, nagging, engaging in power struggles, or resorting to threats and bribes to get kids to help out with certain jobs.

So where is the middle ground? How can we use housework to foster that sense of significance and belonging in the family while still understanding that kids don’t love it and wouldn’t necessarily choose it as a preferred activity? More pointedly, how do we teach our kids to be responsible for the practical tasks involved in daily life?

Take Time…
…to teach, that is. The key word is “teach.” And when it comes to teaching, the most effective long-term approach comes down to two words: take time. Household tasks, while seemingly straightforward to us parents who do them every day, take time for kids to learn. And we need to take enough time to teach them the how-tos as well as to expect independence with the jobs. Promises of rewards and threats of consequences aren’t necessary as long as the task-learning process is cooperative and encouraging.

Here are four steps to teaching kids the long-term skills and habits of contributing to household jobs:

Model. They see you do stuff first.
They help you. You get to have an assistant.
You help them. Now it is their turn to take the lead.
They do it alone. You’ve done it enough times together that it is not unreasonable to expect them to get a job done on their own.

Of course, the length of time to get through this 4-step teaching process depends on the task. Getting the dog her food is much less complicated than cleaning one’s bedroom. It also depends on the child’s age and ability.

It helps to see how complicated some jobs can be to a child by breaking them down into simpler parts. For example, cleaning a bedroom can be broken down into several smaller tasks, each of which has its own learning process.

Make the bed
Put toys away
Pick up clothes
Vacuum
Clear dishes
Throw away garbage
Wipe surfaces

That’s why it’s overwhelming to say to a child, “Clean your room,” and expect it to be done 1) quickly and 2) without supervision/ direction/ guidance/ help. Though kids can do these kinds of jobs on their own, it is reasonable to expect them to need both direction and assistance.

Here are some jobs that kids are typically able to handle alone at various ages after a some time for teaching (and not expecting perfection). Remember, the nature of these tasks is unique to each child, family and situation. Use these ideas a guide, but choose jobs that are appropriate for your children:

Age 1-2

Dusting
Window washing (water in a spray bottle and a rag)
Fruit & veggie prep (washing & drying)
Choosing their own clothes to wear
Unloading utensils from the dishwasher
Sweeping
Wiping table tops
Clearing the table
Gathering recycling
Watering the garden
Putting clothes in drawers

Age 3-4

Food prep
Setting the table
Feeding animals
Sorting clothes
Folding laundry
Shelving books
Clearing the table
Getting dressed
Pulling weeds
Putting toys away
Making beds

Age 5-8

Doing laundry (Depending on the machine…some new machines have a customizable 1-button setting that is perfect for kids)
Vacuuming
Helping to cook–stirring, mixing, chopping, measuring ingredients
Doing dishes–rinsing, loading
Bringing in the mail
Making lunch for school
Helping to put away groceries
Cleaning bathroom sinks & counters
Packing own carry-on for trips
Pet care
Taking out the garbage
Preparing simple meals (sandwiches, quesadillas, soup)

Keep in mind that at any age, kids simply have different priorities than parents do! Don’t expect kids notice on their own what needs to be done and take the initiative to do it. You will certainly notice, and you can invite and value their help.

When Resistance Occurs
What if kids say ‘no’ or argue when it’s time contribute? The no-fuss answer is, “Yes, let’s do it together.” Even if it’s a task that you know a child can do on her own, she may simply be needing some extra encouragement right then. For example, in our house we don’t move on to another activity until the work is completed. I’ll break the job into “You do this and I’ll do that…When we’re done we’ll move onto X.” No arguing, negotiating, reasoning, bribing or threatening…just patience, cooperation, and some re-teaching. It’s OK to revisit some of the earlier teaching steps–sometimes you’ll need to go back to modeling and helping cooperatively. For families with young kids, a great housework motto is “We do it together (until you can do it alone).”

Don’t Praise; Encourage
When kids have contributed to the family by setting the table, sorting laundry, walking the dog, putting a book back on the shelf or even taking out the garbage which can be easier with equipment from sites as Disposal zone online, then express your gratitude with words of encouragement instead of praise. This is what helps to develop that sense of significance and belonging.

“When children help, we can encourage them by communicating our acknowledgement and appreciation. “You’ve really helped out, thank you so much!” That’s it. Many parents are hesitant to leave their response at that; it’s tempting to add on some type of praise and tell a helpful child that he did a good thing, but this evaluation is unnecessary. If you’ve acknowledged your child’s effort and shared your genuine appreciation for his help, he is filled with a sense of his own goodness. He realizes that he is a valued member of the family and feels pride for his contributions. He decides on his own that what he did was a good job.

“Here are some ways to acknowledge effort and share appreciation without imparting judgment:

That helps so much!
I know you don’t like doing this, and I thank you for doing it anyway. It really helps.
Thank you for your cooperation.
You really show a lot of care for others.
That was hard for you; thank you!
I appreciate the time you spent on this.
I couldn’t have done this without your help, thank you.
We make a great team, all working together like this!

~Excerpted from Encouraging Words for Kids by Kelly Bartlett

The bottom line is: expect to take time (a long time) to teach kids how to do household tasks. Expect to do it with them. Expect to remind them what needs to get done. But most importantly, expect them to contribute. There are a variety of jobs that a child of any age can do; find the ones that work best for your children and take time to teach them. With consistency, connection, and cooperation, it will become second nature for kids to tackle their responsibilities with confidence.

The Importance of Empathy

As mothers, especially those of us who practice attachment parenting; we truly believe that there is nothing more precious than our children. We love them unconditionally and raise them to be kind, loving, and compassionate towards others. We understand the importance of meeting our children’s unique and individual needs, and we strive to treat them with respect and understanding.

Credit MicrosoftOffice.com Clipart Photography collection

Growing up I was taught to treat everyone equal. “Treat others in the same manner that you would want to be treated” my mother would say. Why? Because it is the right thing to do. Now that I am a mother I realize that not only is it the right thing to do, but it is the necessary thing to do for several reasons. The whole theory behind AP is that by raising our children in an empathetic manner, we will be raising a more empathetic generation of children who are aware of the needs and feelings of others. This type of chain has the potential to impact society in a massively positive manner. I teach my daughter to be kind to others regardless of their differences not only because I want her to grow up to be a kind, compassionate member of society, but also because her peers will be right there alongside her as she grows. The way that children are treated now drastically impacts the way they will behave later in life. Children who are treated with kindness will generally grow to be kind individuals, while children who are bullied, teased, and treated like outcasts have a far greater chance of growing up to be hardened, distrusting, and aggressive. I would much rather my daughter grow to be surrounded by positive, empathetic, and caring people than by people who have been conditioned to expect the worst.

In filling in for another daycare provider last week, I was faced with the task of explaining to several children the importance of being kind and patient to a child with behavioral issues. I explained to them that they needed to be understanding and accepting of his differences and to treat him the same way that they want to be to treated. When this kind of acceptance is taught from an early age, it begins to shape the way that our children behave towards others. By raising our children to be kind and accepting, we are shaping a kinder and brighter future. And that’s the kind of world we want our children to live in!

A simple act of kindness can go a very long way.

Jillian Amodio is an author, writer, speaker, and Attachment Parenting advocate. First and foremost however she is a wife and mother. Jillian believes that family is life’s most precious gift. Her passion for family and parenting has led her to devote much of her work to educating others about topics pertaining to family, marriage, and parenting. Visit her website and blog to learn more about her work.

Never Stop Holding Hands

I remember when my children were newborns, they used to grasp my finger when I laid it in their tiny palms. A tight little grasp that seemed to say, “This is what I need. I want you here with me, and I’m not letting go.” I know it wasn’t cognitive; it was a reflex. A sign of normal brain functioning that slowly disappeared as they matured.

Though the reflex faded, the hand-holding didn’t. I continued to put my hand in theirs every opportunity I could. Maybe I was still checking to see if the reflex was still there. In some way, I think it was. You put your hand into a child’s hand and they can’t seem to help holding it back.

I held my kids’ hands when I bounced them on my lap, when they took their first steps, and when we toddled around the yard. I held their hands during doctor appointments, going to various classes, and meeting new people. I even held their hands when they didn’t need to be held. Like when they’d ride on my back in the soft carrier and I’d criss-cross my arms to grasp their little hands around my sides. Or when we were just sitting next to each other on the couch reading or watching a movie, or sometimes when we’d sit across from each other in a restaurant. There was never a time when I didn’t enjoy having their hands in mine.

Over the years and in a variety of situations, I have held my children’s hands gently, safely, respectfully, kindly, lovingly, firmly, and habitually.

Above all, purposefully. A mother’s touch provides children with an instant sense of belonging. Our embraces say, “You are here with me, and this is exactly where you belong.”

Most recently, I held my kids’ hands as we navigated the parks at Disney World. In these busy parks, I never worried about where they were or that they might run off and disappear into the sea of bodies that filled park walkways. Because my kids never stopped seeking my hands. My hand-hold with each of them was their point of security in an extremely stimulating, constantly noisy, constantly busy environment. My hand, as it always has been, was their connection to safety. It was where they belonged, and it was where they wanted to be. Walking hand in hand.

Connection Before Correction: How Attachment Leads Our Discipline Style

In my parenting, the goal of obedience doesn’t exist. It’s important to emphasize the part about it being a goal. Notice that I didn’t say, “Obedience doesn’t exist in our household.” I mean that our children’s obedience to my husband and me is not something we specifically aim for.

I get its importance, though, and I understand why parents expect it. It’s nice! And sometimes necessary. We tell our kids to do things because we want them to be safe and healthy. Most directions are not urgent: It’s time to get your shoes on. Please clear your plate. Go throw your garbage away. Though some directions are: STOP! (running in the street). Since we give a multitude of necessary directions every day, compliance is certainly a nice perk, not to mention needed.

But it’s also important to keep in mind that kids under age 7 are going through crucial periods of development of their autonomy and will…certainly the toughest years for expecting obedience. This is not to say I don’t have any expectations of my kids. I do.

I expect them to have feelings. My wishes may or may not line up with their objectives, and they will have feelings about that.
I expect them to express their feelings; to feel free to communicate with me at a level that is appropriate for their development.
I expect them to help take care of themselves.
I expect them to contribute to the family and household.
I expect them to be autonomous; to do things for themselves.
I expect them to take initiative; to have their own ideas and want to see them through.
I expect them to not like everything that needs to be done. I don’t. No one does.

When I shift my perspective on behavior and aim for an understanding, attached relationship rather than simple obedience, my children are naturally inclined to follow my directions. We have the kind of relationship in which, when I say, “STOP!” or “NO!” in a dangerous situation, they stop immediately. They’re not behaving out of conditioned obedience or because I have actively taught them to obey as one of my goals of raising them. They listen to me because of the status of our relationship. Our connection, combined with the notes of urgency and fear in my voice, creates a crystal clear distinction between this kind of communication and all of our regular daily interactions. There is no need for spankings, isolating time-outs, punishments, or shameful exclamations of “How could you do that?” and, “Just go to your room and stay there!” It’s because of the connected relationship I have with my kids that when I say “No” with authority, I don’t have to say anything else.

So, although my husband and I don’t expect obedience from our kids, we get it. Why? Why does it happen so naturally and willingly?

Because we recognize our kids’ objectives. We know that, as kids, they have other ideas and different priorities than we parents do.
Because we value their feelings. And we prove it by listening and accepting them on a daily basis.
Because we communicate with respect and empathy.
Because we aim for understanding…their feelings, their goals, their interests & disinterests. We make it a priority to know what makes our kids tick.
Because we value their uniqueness. The way they’re not like any other kids.
Because we aim to be aware of their levels of physical, cognitive, and emotional development.

All of this leads to a close, secure, attached relationship. My husband and I replace a goal of obedience with one of connection and trust instead. Because if there is connection and trust in a parent-child relationship, guess what comes naturally? Obedience. Children are drawn to “do right by” those to whom they are emotionally connected.

Do our kids ever “disobey?” Of course. But we don’t see it like that. We see all of these moments in which they’re “not listening” with an understanding of who our children are and what they need. It’s not personal, it’s developmental. I find that if I shift my perspective from You need to do what I say! to one of How can we solve this problem to meet everyone’s needs?, my directions do get carried out. I see ‘not listening’ as…

a child having strong, very acceptable, very human feelings. Children need validation and acceptance.
immature brain development. Children need time to develop brain connections necessary for self control and self-discipline.
an example of a child exerting autonomy and initiative. This is very developmentally appropriate; children need to be autonomous.
a show of distance in our relationship. Children need to feel a sense of significance and belonging.

Meet the needs, get the cooperation.

Instead of expecting obedience from my children, I have shifted my thinking to expect developmentally appropriate behavior. I understand my kids’ social, emotional, and cognitive capabilities, and I work on cultivating a relationship based on that understanding. By parenting not strictly for obedience, but for a combination of a connected relationship and authority, kids give their willing cooperation by default.

Meeting Parents Where They’re At

I’m hard core when it comes to attachment-minded parenting practices in my home. I’m full-on natural birthing, breastfeeding, bedsharing, holding baby all the time, stay-at-home mommying or bringing baby to work with me, and loving guidance—which is why it surprises people that I don’t automatically condemn other parenting styles. For example, in another post, I made a statement that I don’t find spanking to be necessarily abusive and one person commented that this was Attachment Parenting heresy.

No, I don’t think that spanking has any place in an AP home. But, I’m also not naïve enough to think that spanking doesn’t sometimes happen. It may not be spanking—for some of us, our vice is yelling or sending a child to his room. We all make mistakes, and the idea that an AP parent never loses her cool is unrealistic. As importantly, we are all in different places on our own parenting journeys and just because a parent is still working on her issues and emotions doesn’t make her a bad parent.

When I work with parents, it’s important to remember that my role is not to change their minds about parenting, but rather to present them with the most up-to-date information regarding childrearing and then to support them in making their own decisions. I’m not the parenting police, so if a parent is spanking her child, it’s not my role to tell her to stop it. Rather, I can offer her information regarding the effects of punishment versus non-punitive discipline and then offer suggestions on moving toward a less punitive environment. But it is her choice, of course, to pursue that path. And it is my responsibility to not judge.

I cannot know what all goes into another parent’s choices. I may know a little, but even her or his spouse or partner likely doesn’t know the whole story. The parent her- or himself may not fully know.

It can be difficult to apply the AP mindset to our adult relationships, because after all, we’re adults and shouldn’t we know better? But once we’ve mastered what it takes to have a secure parent-child connection, taking it to the next level – with our spouse, our own parents, our friends, strangers in the car ahead of us that just cut us off, the really rude woman in line at the cash register, and so on – is the next frontier.

Of course, I’m not talking about bedsharing and breastfeeding when it comes to applying AP to adult relationships, but rather the attitude of unconditional acceptance and loving support. AP isn’t about whether or not we do certain parenting techniques but rather about the attitude that we’re bringing with those techniques. Spanking just isn’t of unconditional love; it’s of control and trying to change a person by force, rather than empowering that person to change themselves through their own choice.

It’s this attitude change that makes AP successful in families. If parents focus just on the parenting techniques themselves—to not punish, but without the AP mindset—they’re going to end up very frustrated and regressing again and again, or else confused or unsure about limits and therefore permissive.

The best way to teach AP, whether to our children or to our spouse or to another adult in our lives, is to model it. And judging others isn’t AP. We have to learn how to meet parents where they’re at in their parenting journeys right now, not where we think they should be, and to provide them the support they need to meet their goals of raising a secure, trusting, empathetic, affectionate, and joyful child.

Mommy’s meditating!

By the time my daughter was 2 years old, I had completed treatment for cancer. Still very ill, I was on a quest to find health. I understood cancer to be an environmental disease, and while I could not say I knew what had caused the disease, I thought if I made enough changes, I could remove the underlying cause.

I took up yoga, among other practices to cultivate health. I gained so many healing benefits from the practice, especially working with sound and breath, and before long, I found myself engaging in a daily meditation practice.

At first, I would meditate after Kaylee would go to sleep. It started with a few minutes a day. After a few months, it was over an hour.

In every other aspect of my life, I was more calm and perceptive. The benefits of the practice were clearly evident and had a positive impact in my relationships and my ability to parent.

But, it was really hard to do. How do you meditate with a little one by your side?

If I got out of bed in the morning, she would wake up. Upset and overtired, it would make a difficult day for us both. When I waited for her to go to sleep, I was often too tired to stay awake.

The more serious I became about the practice. The more annoyed I was if Kaylee woke up. If I heard a noise come from the bed, my heard would jump as I feared an end to my blissful retreat.

By the time she was 3, I had many incidents of being irritated and having an overtired child who woke up alone and upset.

I also went to a plant medicine retreat to do my meditation and that was life changing for me.

At some point, I was at a dinner party and heard a story about a little girl who sat cross legged with her hands in gyan mudra (thumb and index finger tips touching) resting on her knees. The little girl then grimaced and yelled “MOMMYS MEDITATING!” Everyone laughed at the irony while I completely connected with the situation.

While the practice had helped me be a better mother at every other moment, I was not responding with Love and patience during practice.

It was clear, something needed to change.

And then, I got it.

This practice of meditation. Of being in the moment. Of activating the healing side of myself. Of taking it breath by breath, moment by moment. It was very similar to the experience of loving my daughter. Loving her without the judgements or fears. Those moments where its just her and me and it doesn’t matter what else is around or what needs to be done.

Moments of unconditional Love.

I decided that instead of trying to fight my daughter, I would work her into the practice. Instead of leaving bed to meditate, I would simply sit up in bed. Instead of trying to meditate after she fell asleep, when I was too tired, I would put her to sleep in my lap while I meditated (this was and continues to be great method of getting her to fall asleep!). If she woke up during my practice, I would invite her to join me and give her a hug. If that meant I didn’t get more than 3 minute intervals of concentration or my eyes were open the entire time or I really didn’t meditate at all, that was okay.

My intention was on Love. Once I opened myself to how I experienced that Love, the practice became more deep and the experience of my daughter transformed. I also found that if I took breaks while meditating to interact with her, she would happily play around me and give me some space.

Some days she even sits next to me, cross legged, hands in gyan mudra and tells me, “I’m meditating.”

While it isn’t easy to meditate with a toddler or preschooler climbing all over you, it is possible. The key is in remembering that meditation is not about being calm during a moment of peace. Its about cultivating the ability to have peace during a storm, whether that storm lives in experiences in our days or the expectations in our minds.

And what easier way to prepare then to practice in a storm everyday?

Why Kids Don’t Need Praise (And What They Need Instead)

Recently, I was chatting with a mom at the playground about kids’ behavior, and she commented to me that kids need praise and approval from their parents, as there are too many dysfunctional adults in the world to indicate otherwise.

To this, my response was, “I think what they need more than praise and approval is encouragement and acceptance.”

“Isn’t that kind of the same thing?”

Not really.

I understand where she’s coming from; she means that many adults have emotional and behavioral problems because growing up, they needed something from their parents that they simply didn’t get (or didn’t get enough of). I agree. And this thinking–that kids need an abdunance of praise from their parents in order to grow up confident and emotionally stable–is not uncommon. The thing is, it’s not actually praise and approval kids need.

You may argue this is just semantics, but it’s really so much more.

When I hear people say that kids need praise, what I think they really mean is encouragement. Praise is superficial and non-descriptive. It’s “Good job,” or, “I like that” or, “That’s a pretty picture,” or, “Excellent work.” It’s generic and leaves a person wanting more, needing more…not feeling quite satisfied. Our self esteem might be high while we’re receiving praise, but if it ever stops, we either seek out more or get discouraged about its absence. Praise is an external motivator and must be constantly applied to remain effective.

Encouragement meets the same purpose as praise and speaks to a more meaningful sense of accomplishment. Encouragement gets to the “why” of praise. It communicates what’s so ‘good’ about something, why we’re proud, what we love about it, or the qualities that make it excellent. Encouragement takes praise a step further with messages of effort, persistence, thought…the deeper reasons behind why someone should be proud of their accomplishments.

Good job; you worked so hard on that!

That’s a pretty picture; there’s so much detail in there.

I’m proud of you; that took a lot of patience and you never gave up.

And it’s the encouragement that’s important. The praise can stay or go (some would argue that it should go), but the words of encouragement are all a child really needs to hear. If the feedback they hear from you is, “You worked so hard,” or, “Boy, there’s so much detail in your painting,” or, “That sure took a lot of patience,” there’s nothing lost and a lot gained. It’s the same message of enthusiasm that is now focused solely on the child and the things we value: effort, hard work, persistence.

But, you may ask, without the good job we’ve taken out the part about our approval, haven’t we? If we never say “Good job,” or, “I like that,” or, “I’m proud of you,” they’ll think we don’t approve of their work–of them–and have low self esteem, right? Won’t they always be seeking approval?

Not if we’re communicating effectively; deeply. If all we ever offer is the superficial stuff, the blanket praise without any meaning behind it, kids will always seek approval because they’ll never feel satisfied. But if we’re offering meaningful and genuine encouragement for their achievements, they won’t need our approval. They’ll approve of themselves.

So, more accurate than saying kids need a parent’s approval is to say they need our acceptance. Kids don’t need us to approve of everything they do, they need us to accept everything about who they are. Yes, even the mistakes, the misbehaviors, the unpleasant feelings they ~~sometimes~~ often express. We don’t have to approve, but we do need to accept. It’s the acceptance, not the approval, that works miles towards developing long term relationships and teaching discipline, responsibility, confidence, and self-love.

We accept children by hearing their feelings without judging them, by empathizing without evaluating, and comforting without criticizing. We accept that they had a bad day and their behavior is reflecting their feelings. We accept that sometimes they make mistakes, sometimes they need to cry, sometimes they don’t behave perfectly. That doesn’t mean we approve of the harsh language, the harm they inflict on others, or damage they may cause to personal property. But we accept it is a part of being human, growing up, and learning to manage big feelings and fix mistakes. We accept them for who they are today, right now. And we’ll do the same thing again tomorrow. And again every day until they’re all grown up. And even then too.

A parent’s approval will never matter to our children as much as our acceptance will. We don’t have to approve of anything our children do if we can accept everything about who they are.

It’s not semantics, it’s perspective. As soon as we understand there’s a difference between praise and encouragement, approval and acceptance, we begin to interact more authentically with our children. With encouragement and acceptance comes the development of a child’s self confidence and the ability to rest in the security of an unconditional relationship.

A portion of this post has been excerpted from Encouraging Words for Kids, by Kelly Bartlett, an ebook highlighting alternatives to praise.

When ‘No’ Doesn’t Mean ‘No’

The word “No” can make a terrible first impression. Sometimes it just doesn’t convey everything it intends. Especially if it comes from a young child: it’s not quite as literal as it seems. Upon first impression, “No!” sounds like:

I refuse.
I won’t listen.
I’m defying you.
I don’t respect you.

Those are usually our first thoughts upon being told No by our children. It’s a feeling, an impression that rubs us the wrong way. We bristle at the blatant defiance.

Except you know how a child’s laughter doesn’t mean a child is laughing at you (unless you’re my goofy and highly entertaining husband), but is more of an expression of immense enjoyment and agreeability? How it is a manifestation of all the happiness they’re feeling in that moment?

A shouted No is like the opposite of that. It’s the unpleasant feelings and unmet needs surfacing verbally in the easiest language available to a young child. No.

If we can take a minute to translate the No into what’s behind it, where it’s coming from, what it really means…

I don’t like this.
I’m angry.
I disagree.
I’m sad.
I don’t want to.
I’m frustrated.
I don’t need help.
I’m disappointed.
I would really rather be doing something else.
I’m autonomous and need to make my own choices.

…we get an expression of a valid feeling or a valid need. Yet we often find a reaction of our child’s No unacceptable. Children are quite capable of feeling strong feelings and quite incapable of articulating them. “Using their words” is hard…except for the one that suffices when they don’t know what else to say. No. It’s a simple and powerful way to express complicated feelings.

Keep in mind that No is less about defiance and more of an expression of dislike (especially for the under-7 crowd). And since we want to teach our kids that all of their feelings and needs are always OK, we can start by finding their Nos acceptable. This means searching for that translation behind it; articulating and validating it for them.

I know you don’t like this, and it needs to get done anyway.
You’d rather not; you’d rather keep playing. I understand.
It’s a hard job, and I’m here to help you.
You’re angry. It’s OK to be mad.
You have your own ideas. What would help you get this done?

When it comes to a child’s No, take a step back to consider what’s behind it. Distance yourself from the defiance. Listen for the translation and give No a second chance.