Principles – Page 125

State-of-the-Heart Parenting

During the last weeks of my pregnancy we decided to have our infant car seat installed by certified professionals at the local sheriff’s office. We got our car on Autozin a fantastic car dealership. I was way too pregnant at that point to maneuver around in the cramped backseat of our little Honda, so the allure of not having to do it myself (or beg my husband to) was convincing. Did I mention that the service was also free? Seemed like a no-brainer.

The expert suggested ditching the base of the seat and simply installing the part that the baby needed to be strapped into since the backseat wouldn’t really accommodate the rear-facing seat and base. Meanwhile, a gun-toting officer (did he really need his gun at the car-seat safety check?) came over to comment and observe. He pointed out that this plan was going to be a hassle for us since we would need to re-install the seat every time we removed the baby from the car. We must have looked confused because he went on to the praise the virtues of using the car seat as a convenient baby carrier in addition to safety seat for motor vehicle use. Understanding his point now, I tried to diplomatically dismiss his concerns by explaining that we would simply use our arms or a sling to carry our new baby to and from the vehicle and would have no need to use the seat as a carrier.

Both the officer and the car seat installer stared and blinked at us for a full five seconds before the officer incredulously asked my husband and I if we were sure – really, really sure – that we wouldn’t like to move our child in one smooth motion from car to shopping cart and back again. What kind of reason could there possibly be for not wanting to streamline our busy lives as new parents? In his voice was the unmistakable air of cop suspicion, as if he were speaking to the last two people in the path of a hurricane who stalwartly refuse to evacuate. We managed to stammer out some random stuff about “parenting philosophy” and “brain development.”

The officer seemed to think we must have misunderstood him since our answer didn’t seem to have been particularly coherent, or even related to car seats as far as he could tell. He repeated, more slowly this time so that we would be sure to understand, how easy it was to remove the car seat from the base and place it into a shopping cart, so that we would never have to disturb the baby. This is usually the part where I attempt to share information about the benefits of attachment parenting and how wonderful it has been for our family. It was obvious by this point, however, that we were just coming from two very different places. Plus, the gun was a little intimidating so I decided to simply smile and nod for the remainder of the installation.

But this incident started me thinking about baby carriers, strollers, and swings vs. babywearing—was babywearing really the best choice for us? Maybe we had been making things much harder on ourselves all of this time by refusing to use all of the state-of-the-art gizmo’s and gadgets which were so popular nowadays. Had we become too rigid and idealistic about our parenting choices? With our fourth baby on the way, it was time to reevaluate what our family’s needs really were and whether or not we were parenting consciously and purposefully, or simply going through the AP motions. Perhaps it was time to revisit some of the literature that got me started with AP to see if it still moved me to parent the same way now that our family was adding a new member.

I decided to get reacquainted with the reasons we had chosen to limit our use of baby carrying devices in favor of keeping our babies close to us most of the time. Sharon Heller, PhD states in her book The Vital Touch:

Carry our babies to the car in a container, out of the car in a container, through the mall in a container, into the restaurant in a container, back to the car in a container, and home to a container, so that objects define our baby’s existence more so than our body, is not just a step away from tradition. It is a cataclysmic change far out of step with the rhythmic pas de deux to which our babies’ minds and bodies were choreographed… No species in a hundred years or so can turn the time-tested mother-baby relationship on its head without consequences. In the short term, diminished contact makes babies fussier than they need be and mothers more conflicted than they need be.

On the website, ConnectionParenting.com, Pam Leo, a founding board member of the Alliance for Transforming the Lives of Children, says:

Many of the infant and child behaviors that are challenging parents in our culture are unheard of in cultures that practice high-touch nurturing. While our culture has changed dramatically to keep up with our technology, our biology has not. Babies are biologically programmed to expect the same high-touch nurturing that evolved millions of years ago. Just because we no longer need to keep our babies in close physical contact so tigers won’t eat them, doesn’t mean we no longer need to carry them. Research shows that carrying and keeping babies in close physical contact does far more than keep them safe from predators; it is critical to their optimal development.

Does this mean that I can never let my baby sit in a bouncy chair or cruise along in a stroller without hampering her brain development? Or that every minute of her day must be spent in a set of arms? Would falling asleep in a swing mean years of future therapy? I don’t think so. With six people in our family, two of which are adults, and two of which are teenagers, there will rarely be a time when someone isn’t available to hold, snuggle, or play with our new baby, so having a lot of stuff seemed excessive to us.

However, we decided that we should not limit our parenting choices by being dogmatic about following a philosophy to the letter of the law. We needed a parenting style that worked for our unique family. The only rule we came up with for our own personal AP style was: are we treating our children with love, human dignity, and respect for them as real people? When parenting does get hectic and stressful, we often remind each other to check on the state of our heart and to approach the situation with love. With the arrival of our new baby, we have realized that our family is our convenient baby carrier, deluxe swing, and super-duper baby entertainment-center. For us, Attachment Parenting is about our state-of-the-heart family rather than the convenience of state-of-the-art stuff.

And let’s talk about convenient! We have used our wraps and slings, not just as carriers that fit easily into our diaper bag, but as changing pads, nursing covers, blankets, nap mats, sunshades, seat belts for grocery carts & high chairs, toddler harnesses, and even pet carriers! And we sure could have used it to demonstrate what the heck we were talking about when we had the car-seat installed– they are probably still scratching their heads. It’s a lot easier to explain babywearing when you are actually wearing the baby; add teaching tool to the list of convenient uses for slings and wraps!

– Justine

Nighttime Parenting and The Anxious Child

Many people in the non-AP world are surprised when I make mention of one of my children sleeping with me. At 6.5 and 4.5 years of age, many seem to think that they are too old to be co-sleeping. Some of these parents co-slept with their infants but their children moved on to their own beds at some point. Mine did as well, but not for long.

I am truly thankful that I fell into the attachment parenting practice when my first was a newborn, thankful for many reasons. These days I am thankful that I don’t have any preconceived notions of where children should sleep. This has proven beneficial not only to my children, but also to me.

Both of my children have varying special needs but a common thread between the two of them is anxiety. My daughter, who is 4.5, is also language delayed. She doesn’t have a solid enough understanding of language for us to be able to explain the things that cause her anxiety and fears. As night comes, she quickly becomes more anxious about her surroundings refusing to leave our sides. For a family who forbids a child from sleeping with a parent, this would become a stressful time for both parent and child.

When my daughter’s anxiety increased, it was simply a matter of bringing her back into our bed (she had transitioned to her own room for several months at the age of three). Now my daughter is able to get a full night’s rest without fear and so do my husband and I.

My son, at 6.5, also has major nighttime anxiety. Although he has a vast vocabulary, he doesn’t understand why he is so fearful after dark. After sleeping in his own room for years, without any problems, he has also transitioned back into our room. Unfortunately he is plagued by vivid nightmares which continue even in bed with us. It pains my heart to see him thrash about and cry out in his sleep but I am happy that I am able to be near him and provide comfort.

I know that our family’s decision to not place boundaries on our children’s ability to sleep with us is helping us all right now. If I were to insist that my children sleep in their own beds “like big boys and girls do” then no one, not a single one of us, would be getting any sleep. Nighttime parenting goes beyond the nursing years and does stretch into childhood and beyond. Knowing what your children’s needs are, and meeting those needs in a way that is optimal for everyone, helps the family’s bond grow stronger.

– Melissa

Letting Go

From the time my daughter Erika, now three and a half, was a few months old, I’ve been learning to let go. Learning that I can’t, and shouldn’t try, to protect her from minor bumps and bruises, from small disappointments, from making mistakes. I know that if I try to protect her from everything, I risk keeping her from growth and independence. Perhaps I even risk damaging our relationship when she sees that I don’t trust her.

But sometimes it’s hard, and I know it will only become harder as both the opportunities and risks become greater.

Recently, she had a play date at her friend April’s house. She was having trouble leaving, but we really needed to get home to meet her father for dinner. As we talked about the problem, she explained that she wasn’t done playing with April’s two plush yellow rabbits. April’s mother offered to let her have the rabbits, and although we’d never done anything like that before, I decided to let Erika take one of the rabbits home — both seemed too large a gift to accept from someone we really didn’t know very well, and I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the precedent of being allowed to take other children’s toys home. Rabbits аrе іnсrеdіblу intelligent аnd ѕосіаl animals, аnd they can mаkе a grеаt соmраnу. Rabbits love their food, and it’s important to ensure they are not only getting enough to eat, but also the right stuff. This means they should be eating a natural diet that consists of real vegetables and vegetation. When your rabbit eats vegetation that has grown naturally, it will be able to absorb large amounts of vitamins, minerals, and other key nutrients. Are you keen to know about the most asked question regarding rabbits that can rabbits eat tomatoes ?

Unfortunately, she really wanted both of the rabbits, and wasn’t able to choose one. Time was pressing, and I was having trouble talking with her about the issue while trying to keep an eye on her one-year-old brother, Karl. I finally decided that we really just needed to get moving, and took him out to the car, asking her to choose one of the rabbits while I was putting him into his car seat.

When I came back, April’s mother explained to me that Erika had come up with a novel solution. She had offered April her own pink rabbit in exchange for the second yellow rabbit, and April had accepted the trade. Thoughts flashed through my mind — did she really understand what she’d just done? Would she miss the pink rabbit, pink being her favorite color? Was it OK for her to give away a present my mother had given her only a week earlier? I figuratively took a deep breath and decided that she ought to be allowed to make decisions about her own $5 stuffed toy, that creative problem-solving is something I wouldn’t want to discourage, and that I’d just hope for the best. April’s mother assured me that if my daughter wanted to trade back later, it would be fine.

Erika played with those rabbits for the next week, until we went to April’s house again. As we were getting ready to leave, she announced that we needed to remember to take the yellow rabbits back. I realized only then that she hadn’t envisioned the entire thing as a permanent trade, but rather a temporary exchange. So we took the yellow rabbits back, April returned the pink rabbit, and both children were happy. I was relieved that the exchange had been resolved so painlessly, but I also know that if there had been conflict and disappointment, it would have been OK. She would have been able to work through it, and I would have been there to help her.

I only hope that I will have as little angst about letting her go on a band trip in high school, travel with a friend after her senior year, or go to college half way across the country. I do know that if I don’t practice letting go now, I won’t be able to then — and in the mean time, I will miss the opportunity to watch her achieve the competence and self-confidence that only comes from having had the opportunity to fail.

– Sonja

Planning for a home birth

Originally posted on July 27, 2006 – Four months before my son Julian was born at home.

By now you may have gathered that instead of choosing to have an OB-attended hospital birth this time around, we are planning to have a midwife-attended home birth. There are a number of varied factors that have led me down such a different path with this baby and I’d like to share some of them.

home birth First of all, I believe that, in the majority of cases, birth is a normal, natural and healthy process. I believe in a woman’s (and my own) ability to give birth naturally, normally and without intervention, as women have been doing for thousands of years.

I am drawn to the midwifery model of care because it feels normal and natural. I like that a typical midwife prenatal visit lasts 60 minutes (as opposed to the typical 6 minute OB prenatal visit) and does not feel rushed. I like that I am getting to know the woman who will be there for my labor and birth and that she will gain my trust so that I feel comfortable with her while laboring and birthing. I like that my midwife is interested in my nutrition and in suggesting preventative measures (such as acupuncture) to help ensure that I have a healthy pregnancy and birth.

My midwife in particular has a 15-year background as an EMT (emergency medical technician). I feel her experience in that capacity has helped her develop critical thinking skills and the ability to think quickly on her feet. After all, how can you be an EMT without that ability? I feel very comfortable that if a situation should arise that is beyond her comfort level, she will know what steps to take (i.e. a hospital transfer). Because of my history of complications with my daughter Ava, this was very important for us. My husband Jody and I both feel very confident in her experience and abilities.

I love the idea of birthing at my own home, where I am comfortable and able to relax without worrying about who’s going to be walking in the door next (nurse shift changes, etc.), where Ava can play or sleep or do whatever she needs to (in a safe environment) and still be in close proximity to me and Jody. My sister will be her primary caregiver while I am in labor. And when the baby is born, Ava can chose whether or not she wants to be present. Yes, we will be preparing her with regard to what to expect when mommy is in labor, etc. We actually watched a birth video – “Giving Birth: Challenges and Choices” by Suzanne Arms – together this week and will be reading Welcome with Love with her, a wonderful children’s book about a family having a home birth. I’d like her to be there, but I’m not going to force her. If she is meant to be there, she will be. After seeing her interest in watching the birth video though, I am pretty certain she’ll want to see baby brother join us.

I also love the idea of being able to sleep in my own bed after the birth. That was one of the hardest things for me in the hospital, not being able to sleep. I eventually had to ask for sleeping pills because it’d been something like three days since I’d slept for more than a few minutes at a time, and trust me when I say having hallucinations while trying to care for a newborn is no fun. Being in my own bed will be heavenly. And I’m sure Jody would agree as well after sleeping on a flimsy mattress on the cold, hard hospital floor for five days after Ava’s birth.

Another compelling reason for me to have a home birth is I’d like to labor and possibly birth in water and my midwife has a birthing pool that we can set up right in our house. There are no hospitals around here that I’m aware of that allow water births.

Because of all of this and more, I feel planning for a home birth makes perfect sense for us and I look forward to the experience.
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The following information was taken from The Homebirth Choice by Jill Cohen and Marti Dorsey and further illustrates why I’ve decided a homebirth is the right choice for me and my family. I cut and pasted some things that are particularly important to me.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF MIDWIFERY:
“Midwife means “with woman.” Traditionally, women have attended and assisted other women during labor and birth. As modern medicine emerged in the West, birth fell into the realm of the medical. Since women were barred from attending medical schools, men became the birth practitioners. Having never had a baby themselves, they were unable to approach women and childbirth with the inner knowledge and experience of a woman. Childbirth became viewed as pathological rather than natural; unnecessary, and often dangerous or unproven, medical techniques and interventions became commonplace.

During the 1960s and 1970s, along with the women’s movement and renewed interest in home birth, the midwifery movement rekindled. It has been growing steadily ever since. Midwives are becoming more and more involved with birthing families and have been instrumental in redefining birth as a natural event in women’s lives.

Midwifery empowers women and their families with the experience of birth.”

PRENATAL CARE:
“Prenatal visits may take place at the midwife’s home or clinic or at the family’s home. Prenatal visits are a time for the midwife to get to know the family and friends, neighbors, or other children who plan to be present at the birth.

Prenatal care for the pregnant woman includes discussion of nutrition, exercise and overall physical and emotional well-being, as well as overseeing the healthy development of the fetus.

Midwives include the family during prenatal care, inviting them to ask questions and to listen to the baby’s heartbeat. Intimate involvement of the family throughout the pregnancy allows for early bonding of the newly emerging family unit.

The midwife and family will often discuss the mechanics of birth. The more people know what’s going to happen, the more comfortable they may be while awaiting the birth.”

LABOR:
“In the safety and security of her own home, the mom is likely to be less inhibited about trying different labor positions and locations. She can sit on the toilet or go for a walk outside. She can eat or drink whatever she wants. She writes her own script. When it’s time to deliver, she can often try whatever position she wants: on her side, squatting, sitting or kneeling.”

BIRTH:
“Home birth allows for full participation of family members. Under the guidance and assistance of the midwife, the opportunity is available for husbands or partners to “catch” their child as it is born. These moments can be very powerful and transformational in the lives of the new parents.

At home births, babies are usually immediately placed on the mom’s stomach or breast, providing security, warmth and immediate bonding between mom and baby. This contact provides security for both mom and baby.

In the rare case when the baby has difficulty breathing on its own, midwives are fully trained in infant CPR. Usually, putting the baby right to the breast and having mom talk to her baby will encourage it to take those first breaths.

Putting the baby immediately to the breast helps reduce any bleeding the mom may have. The sucking action stimulates the uterus and causes it to contract. This closes off blood vessels and reduces bleeding.

Some members of the medical community have recently acknowledged that having a home birth decreases the mother’s and baby’s chances of contracting an infection. The mother is used to the bacteria in her own environment and has built up immunities to it. This is passed on to the baby through the colostrum. Even when women are segregated in maternity wards, infections are much more commonplace after hospital births than home births.”

— Amy @ Crunchy Domestic Goddess

Attachment Parenting with Twins?

Am I an AP parent?

Is it possible to be an AP parent with twins?

I don’t wear them in slings (Two babies @ 30 lbs + sling(s) = sprained back).
They don’t sleep in my bed (Any more. Ask me about their first 3 months.).
I fed them formula in their first 6 weeks of life (Before my breasts learned to count to two.).
I had a planned c-section.

Am I still eligible? Could I be an AP parent?

According to Julie, of course I am!

Attachment Parenting is not about what you don’t do. It’s about what you do do.

There’s a spectrum of AP parenting, if you will, and I am on that spectrum.

I breastfeed. Twins. On demand. (That’s a lotta milk!)
I’m making their solid food from scratch! (Extra points for effort!)
They sleep in the co-sleeper next to our bed. Well, one of them does, anyway. The one that is currently the better sleeper. This week it’s Logan while Emma gets to sleep in the fabulous room we made for them.
We carry them around a lot. A whole lot.
We snuggle them. A lot.
We don’t let them get eaten by sabertooth tigers. Much.

There are probably plenty more examples that I could come up with if I wasn’t so tired. The twins insist on snacks at night and I, being an Attachment Parent, comply.

The cuteness, you see, ensures it.

Emma reaches for Logan’s bib after he’s finished eating carrots. The carrots are always…errr…oranger? on the other guy.

Emma considers eating solid food. “Naaaah! I stick wif meeyulk.”

I am an AP parent. With twins.

And an almost seven year old.

Dual cheek squeezing.

Life is good.

– Woman with a Hatchet

She’s not allowed!

Originally posted June 24, 2006, when my son was 4 and my daughter was 16 months.

My kids usually get along quite well. They have their moments of course, as all siblings do, but I’m amazed my son has the patience he does, what with his little sister messing up his cars and his toys and scattering his stuff all over. So, when my son says that he needs time to himself away from her, I respect his wishes.

My son has a long blue, nylon tunnel that he enjoys. He likes to set it up in the living room so he and his sister can crawl through it, and they usually have a grand time. As she has always been allowed in the tunnel, my daughter just naturally assumes that if it’s set up, she’s allowed to enter. However on Friday morning, tensions were running high between the kids for various reasons, and my son, furious at his sister, decided that he wanted her to stay out of the tunnel. So he devised a plan.

He made a sign that had a picture of his sister with a red line through it, which was to indicate “Sister not allowed!” I helped him to tape it to the tunnel, but I told him that sister may not understand the sign, so we need to explain to her what it means. He showed her the sign, and told her that the sign meant she was not supposed to go into the tunnel. My son then crawled into the tunnel in a huff, relieved to be away from his sister.

To help my daughter comply with the sign, I took her into the other room to play. After about three minutes, my son came in to where we were and announced that his sister could play with his legos. These are his brand new legos that she has not been allowed to touch until this very moment. He then stomped back to his tunnel while my daughter and I played with the new legos. After another couple of minutes, my son came back, headed to the toy box, picked out his very favorite cars which he handed to us, and said that his sister could play with them. He even got out his road for the cars to go on. Then he headed back to the safety of the tunnel.

My daughter and I continued playing. She and I were playing with some musical instruments – a triangle, a tambourine, and some bells – when my son once again came back and asked if he could play the triangle. So, my son was on the triangle, my daughter was playing the bells, and I was on the tambourine. We played music together for a bit, and then my son spotted his sister’s toy caterpillar. There are three balls that go with the caterpillar, and they always get misplaced. He searched high and low for the balls, and when he finally found them, he and his sister started playing together with the caterpillar. I left the room at that point. The two of them happily played together with that caterpillar for the rest of the morning!

After lunch, my daughter was welcomed back into the tunnel. The tension between the kids had dissipated, and they once again were full of giggles together.

I fully believe that allowing my son to tell his sister to keep away, and giving him permission to feel frustrated with her did a great deal toward mending the rift.

– Sarah

She’s not allowed!

Originally posted June 24, 2006, when my son was 4 and my daughter was 16 months.

After lunch, my daughter was welcomed back into the tunnel. The tension between the kids had dissipated, and they once again were full of giggles together.

I fully believe that allowing my son to tell his sister to keep away, and giving him permission to feel frustrated with her did a great deal toward mending the rift.

– Sarah

She’s not allowed!

Originally posted June 24, 2006, when my son was 4 and my daughter was 16 months.

After lunch, my daughter was welcomed back into the tunnel. The tension between the kids had dissipated, and they once again were full of giggles together.

I fully believe that allowing my son to tell his sister to keep away, and giving him permission to feel frustrated with her did a great deal toward mending the rift.

– Sarah