Feed with Love and Respect – Page 17

World Breastfeeding Week 2014: Sometimes Breastfeeding Requires a Bottle

By Rita Brhel, WIC Breastfeeding Peer Counselor, API Leader, API’s Publications Coordinator/Managing Editor

Among the wonderful aspects of Attachment Parenting is that it is an approach to child rearing that every parent can take part in. Certainly, research supports some parenting techniques more than others. Breastfeeding, for example, is quoted in Attached at the Heart by Attachment Parenting International cofounders Lysa Parker and Barbara Nicholson as “the model of attachment,” and by reading an overview of the research, it certainly is.

But there is an alternative for parents who are unable to breastfeed. Not breastfeeding doesn’t exclude you from the benefits of Attachment Parenting, in particular feeding your baby with love and respect.

Each of my three children has taken a bottle as part of their full-time feeding strategy. Not every mother can breastfeed or breastfeed exclusively. There are plenty of breastfeeding advocates who will tell you otherwise, but as with just about everything in this life, there are exceptions to the mantra, “If you just tried harder … ”

My oldest child was born 10 weeks early. Babies born this early don’t generally yet have the ability to time their suck-swallow-breathe reflexes and must be fed by tube. Eventually they transition from the nasogastric tube to a bottle, as it’s much easier for some babies to get milk out of a bottle than the breast. My daughter required the easiest-flow nipples—and even then, we were enlarging the nipple hole with a safety pin. I pumped my breast milk, and every ounce had to be fortified with special nutrition to help her grow and medication for her many medical conditions. She never breastfed. She was bottle-nursed with expressed milk for six months and then with formula until she was a year old.

My second born was taken by Cesarean section two weeks early. I was anemic prior to the surgery and then hemorrhaged on the table. My doctor was concerned about a recent outbreak of hepatitis and persuaded me to not get a blood transfusion, even though I lost enough blood that it took six months of taking iron pills to get my blood iron level back to the normal range. I was so anemic that I would fall asleep part way through lunch and wake up two hours later to finish the plate, only to take another nap immediately afterward. I just plain didn’t have enough energy to keep up with the demands of breastfeeding exclusively. So my second daughter was supplemented with one to two bottles of formula a day. I was able to mostly breastfeed, with some formula, for nine months, and then bottle-nursed with all formula until her first birthday.

With my third baby, I was determined to breastfeed. I spent four years learning all I could about how to have a healthy pregnancy, natural childbirth and successful breastfeeding experience. And I was very healthy going into the birth, had a wonderful natural VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean) with no complications and started off my first exclusive-breastfeeding relationship.

Well, he is my first baby to receive only breastmilk, but he was not exclusively breastfed. Three weeks after my son was born, I developed mastitis and a breast abscess in the inverted nipple on my left side, and the subsequent procedure and antibiotics caused a yeast infection. As it turned out, I am allergic or resistant to every breastfeeding-safe antifungal available, medical or natural. In order to protect the right breast that remained yeast free, I only breastfed from the right breast, while exclusively pumping the left side and giving that milk to my baby through the bottle. This meant that I was pumping six times a day for the first six months in addition to breastfeeding, gradually reducing the number of times I pumped as I introduced solids. I did this pumping and breastfeeding routine for one year, before allowing the left breast to dry up. My son is now 2 years old, and I continue to breastfeed from the one side.

I would not choose bottle feeding if I had the option. I love breastfeeding. Bottle nursing is not the same as breastfeeding; it will not satisfy a mother’s desire to nurse her baby. But bottle nursing does give a mother an alternative to model the beginnings of attachment, which is designed in breastfeeding. Just as with breastfeeding, bottle nursing is done on demand, in response to the baby’s cues. Touch is supremely important, particularly skin-on-skin contact, as is eye contact and verbal communication. Looking into my life, a person would not see any difference in how I am raising my babies compared to another breastfeeding family, apart from the bottles. I cosleep, hold my babies all the time, respond quickly to their murmurs, don’t believe in any sort of crying-it-out and gently self-wean.

There are challenges to bottle nursing. Bottles, nipples and pump parts have to be washed after every use, and because of yeast issues, I had an additional careful sterilization process. The breast pump had to be remembered for every trip outside the house that might coincide with the pumping schedule, even if it was a trip to the grocery store. If you’re not pumping, you have to find an alternative, such as formula, which is expensive and comes with its own set of challenges, from increased allergy risk to ear infections.

Another challenge I frequently encountered, especially before my babies developed a strong preference for me demonstrated by separation anxiety, was that relatives would assume that since I wasn’t breastfeeding, that I didn’t care that they held the baby all day long and bottle-fed her, when in fact I did care very much. When I voiced my concern, that it’s important for my bonding—or in most cases, when I would simply go to the person and take my baby back—I would receive all sorts of teasing about spoiling my baby or even downright scolding about my selfishness.

It seems that, at least for me, people assume that breastfeeding is only for nutritional sake and that if you’re feeding by bottle, then suddenly mom’s job is reduced to changing dirty diapers. It shows that there is still a need for education about the importance of a secure parent-child attachment and that a mother is indeed much more than a source of milk.

You can read more in the double "Voices of Breastfeeding" issue of Attached Family magazine, in which we take a look at the cultural explosion of breastfeeding advocacy as well as the challenges still to overcome in supporting new parents with infant feeding. The magazine is free to API members--and membership in API is free! Visit www.attachmentparenting.org to access your free issue or join API. — You can read more in the double “Voices of Breastfeeding” issue of Attached Family magazine, in which we take a look at the cultural explosion of breastfeeding advocacy as well as the challenges still to overcome in supporting new parents with infant feeding. The magazine is free to API members–and membership in API is free! Visit www.attachmentparenting.org to access your free issue or join API.

World Breastfeeding Week 2014: Breastfeed Chicago!

By Patricia Mackie, MS, LPC, API Professionals Coordinator

Public breastfeeding can infuriate us, scare us, make us feel ashamed or empower us. For one Chicago mom, it empowered her to take action and create an organization that would focus on advocating for breastfeeding at a larger level in her city (located in Illinois, USA). She wanted not only to help raise awareness of the benefits of breastfeeding but to ensure that mothers feel comfortable feeding wherever and whenever their babies are hungry.

Breastfeed, Chicago! is making changes for Chicago, one mom at a time, through a very talented board of directors that help to put together the group’s advocacy campaigns. I sat down with Katrina Pavlik, the founder of Breastfeed, Chicago!, to find out more about the organization and advice she has for others who want to advocate for breastfeeding in public. We met on a brisk day on the southwest side of Chicago and sat down over some hot coffee to chat about breastfeeding.

PATRICIA: Tell us how Breastfeed, Chicago! came to be.

KATRINA: In 2011, I created a closed Facebook group to invite people to start a conversation about breastfeeding in Chicago. Within six hours, it had grown to 400 people. (As of this writing, the group boasts a membership of 2,287 members, and more people are added daily.)

I saw a need for a community that could discuss how to make Chicago more breastfeeding friendly. From the Facebook group, we expanded and added the Breastfeed, Chicago! blog and resource list.

I wanted to see moms having more of a voice in writing policies.

PATRICIA: Chicago and the surrounding suburbs boast a high number of La Leche League (LLL) and Breastfeeding USA groups. What is different about Breastfeed, Chicago!?

KATRINA: LLL and Breastfeeding USA are so important. They provide breastfeeding support, which is critical for new moms just getting started.

Our organization is about advocacy and policy. We are working to change the view of breastfeeding. We are working on raising awareness, educating the public and advocating for policy changes.

PATRICIA: Tell us about the advocacy efforts Breastfeed, Chicago! is working on.

KATRINA: One of the big projects we are working on is a letter-writing campaign. One of our board members drafted a letter that we send out to businesses. It basically goes over Illinois breastfeeding laws and gives some information about working with breastfeeding moms. We ask that the information be posted in the employees’ space, such as a break room, so all of the employees from the top down are receiving this information. The letter is also available on the Breastfeed, Chicago! resource list so that parents can print it out and send it to any business that they feel would benefit from this information.

We also are working on a sticker campaign. We have printed up Breastfeed, Chicago! window decals that businesses can place on their doors or windows that indicate that this is a breastfeeding-friendly business.

We really want this to be mom-driven, so we have these travelling baby cafes in the summer. We meet in different areas around the city, and moms can get together, have a cup of coffee and chat. It’s an opportunity for us to brainstorm ideas that will help make Chicago more breastfeeding friendly. We take the stickers with us and moms can take a stack and hand them out at their favorite businesses, restaurants, et cetera.

The blog also has an advocacy tool kit that can be downloaded. It includes information on your rights as a breastfeeding mom in public and at work. It has tips for advocating for yourself and your child, questions to ask your pediatrician, tips to make breastfeeding in public more comfortable. It also includes a letter that you can send to your birthing hospital to express your gratitude or disappointment with their approach to breastfeeding. And it includes the window sticker and a letter that accompanies the window stickers, explaining the sticker campaign.

PATRICIA: I noticed you didn’t mention nurse-ins.

KATRINA: Breastfeed, Chicago! has never implemented a nurse-in. We want to circumvent the nurse-in. We want to normalize breastfeeding and implement interventions that will make this normal. Nurse-ins are a tertiary intervention. We are looking at what can we do before that.

When thinking about a nurse-in, there are a few factors we want to think about. One thing I always try to think about is the mom-to-be, the woman who hasn’t had her first baby yet. What message does a nurse-in send to her? [That] this is so abnormal people have to stage protests in order to do it. We want her to get the message: “This is what all my friends are doing. I see it. It’s normal.”

Nurse-ins also serve to embarrass the individuals involved. Similar to the way we raise our children, we don’t want to punish and embarrass people into change. We want to teach them and educate them into changing their behavior.

PATRICIA: What advice would you have for parents in other cities who would like to take on a venture like Breastfeed, Chicago!?

KATRINA: Use social media. Moms are online all day everyday. Moms will come together and build community. Once that community it built, moms will start to share their needs. Make sure you are listening, and when a mom brings up a need, step back and contemplate and ask yourself, how do we make this better for all moms?

Make sure you reach out to your local breastfeeding professionals. Make them feel important, and ask them to be a part of what you are doing.

And be aware that things move slowly.

World Breastfeeding Week 2014: A Journey to Breastfeeding

By Heidi Ripplinger

When I was little, I had a favorite baby doll. She was big enough for me to cuddle in my arms, was plump with silvery curly hair and had a round face. She looked like a cherub, and I loved her. I brought her with me everywhere I went. I changed her diapers, I wrapped her in warm blankets, I washed her face and I fed her bottles.

Yes, that’s right, bottles—the kind that had the pink nipple and the “milk” that flowed back and forth. I even had one that was divided into two liquids: orange juice and milk.

I never learned about nursing—well, that’s not entirely true. I think I intuitively understood what breasts were for, but I only saw one woman during my childhood breastfeed her baby, and she hid under a blanket, tucked away in an out-of-the-way room of her home while we were visiting.

I was 8 years old. I was exploring the house and stumbled across her sitting on a couch, all covered up, holding her baby. I asked her what she was doing under there, and she said she was nursing. I was confused. I had never heard that word before. I wanted to check it out.

I reached in to look under the blanket and was quickly told that it was private and I shouldn’t look. I felt embarrassed and humiliated, like I had done something terribly wrong and vile. I thought she was ashamed because I couldn’t come up with any other reason why she would hide what she was doing.

Later, I told my parents. My father laughed it off, and my mother looked annoyed. Now I really felt terrible. No one talked to me about it. No one helped me understand. No one paid much attention to the situation at all.

Fast forward to my 20s: I had a friend who just had her first baby. She was adamant that she would never breastfeed her children. She was convinced it was akin to incest, especially when they were older than three months. Because of my earlier experiences with nursing and because of being raised in a culture where women’s bodies were exploited and devalued for nothing more than a man’s plaything, I was inclined to agree with her.

But there was something gnawing at me. I couldn’t really tell what it was, just a quiet tapping deep in my soul. It moved around a lot, and it was the lightest whisper, so it took me a long time to hear it and even longer to listen. I had to be quiet. I had to be still. I needed to learn to sit with my baggage and noise that accumulated over the years of passive conditioning.

It took a very long time. It wasn’t until I was pregnant myself that the floodgates finally opened. It was akin to ocean waves crashing to the shore: I would nurse my babies. Better yet, I would nurse them on demand, openly—wherever I was—proudly and with no reservation. And I would nurse them for as long as they wanted. I felt released of my shame I had harbored since that fateful day long ago when I stumbled upon the breastfeeding mom. I felt empowered knowing I would be the one to give my children the perfect food, specifically made for them. No one else can do that, just me.

I nursed my first child until he was 4 years old. I’m nursing my second child, who turned 4 years old in June.

In the beginning, I had no idea what I was doing. I remember the first time I brought my firstborn to my breast. He was 15 minutes old. My midwife had helped me get out of the birthing tub and settled into a rocking chair that was in our living room. I was so tired, and my arms felt like Jell-O. We tried nursing, but my son just wanted to root and cuddle.

The next time was about an hour later. I was comfortably in bed and felt refreshed after having a nice dinner. My little love was hungry, but I couldn’t figure out how to get him to latch. I was so clueless to such a normal function of the human body, of our human connection.

Thankfully, my midwife was there and was experienced herself. With a little coaching and a lot of patience, my son filled his belly and I filled my soul. In that moment, I knew what it was to be a momma—his momma—and I was in love. I could feel another voice in my soul starting to emerge, a voice that would eventually lead me to understand where our power as women lies. Once again, I needed to be still and listen.

—

World Breastfeeding Week 2014: Inspired by Attachment Parenting

By Ellen Hollander-Sande, RN

I was born and raised in New York City, USA, one of three girls. My father was a physician; my mother is a teacher but spent much of my childhood as a stay-at-home mother. As a child, I always knew that when I grew up, I wanted to be a mother.

As I got older, an interest in mental health and a stint assisting my father with his medical practice led me to nursing school. Upon becoming a registered nurse in 1998, I began my career working in in-patient medicine in the adult and geriatric population and went on to working with HIV/AIDS patients, palliative care, medical step-down and respiratory care. I later worked in labor and delivery, including some rotations at an in-patient birth center. It was a big change and a fantastic experience.

In 2005, I gave birth to my first child, and with some initial help from my wonderful postpartum nurse and a lactation consultant, my focus turned toward a different kind of “nursing.” As I adjusted to my new role of motherhood, breastfeeding took center stage, not only in terms of the time spent nursing but in the emotional connection I felt in my relationship with my son. I nursed throughout my second pregnancy, and when my younger son was born in 2006, tandem nursing was a great way to maintain closeness with my eldest and a sweet way for the brothers to feel connected to each other. Thanks to Art Yuen, amazing API Leader of API-NYC, for supporting me through the amazing adventure of motherhood!

Having taken time off from paid employment and feeling so much appreciation for this aspect of my mothering experience, I channeled my nursing skills and energies into assisting new mothers whenever I could, whether with advice or hands-on assistance for a neighbor or a friend-of-a-friend who had been referred to me for support. Inspired to integrate this passion into my future practice, I began an online lactation education program to further my knowledge base.

In 2012, I returned to New York University’s College of Nursing to pursue a master’s degree and become a family nurse practitioner (FNP). In this role, I will be able to provide primary care for patients across the life span. It is my hope that combining this role with breastfeeding knowledge will best enable me to support mothers and babies in their breastfeeding relationships.

The paper “Identifying Best-Practice for Increasing Breastfeeding Initiation Rates Among Adolescent Mothers” was a group effort, and as such the inspiration stemmed in part from the combination of interests and experiences of the four authors: Eliana Roshel, Sarika Downing, Maria Mendez and me. We knew almost right away that breastfeeding promotion was our common thread, and we quickly narrowed our focus to a group that isn’t often mentioned in the breastfeeding literature: adolescent mothers.

I would be remiss if I did not thank our professors, Drs. Rona F. Levin and Nancy E. Kline, for their guidance and support in the research and writing of this paper. The paper highlights that adolescent mothers can benefit from interventions tailored to their developmental stage and to the unique circumstances this population encounters. We are accustomed to thinking of the needs of adult mothers, but there is so much to be gained by opening our perspectives to think of the needs of younger mothers as well.

What can we do to support adolescent mothers in breastfeeding their infants? Two of the studies we looked at utilized the Breastfeeding Educated and Supported Teen (BEST) Club, developed by Eileen M. Volpe and Mary Bear, where adolescents learned about breastfeeding, nutrition, safety and maternal health in an atmosphere that was interactive, nonintimidating and supportive (Volpe & Bear, 2000; Wambach et al., 2011). Games were utilized and prizes were given each week to encourage participation. We can better reach out by providing these types of services to the youngest mothers in our communities, who may not be well-served by support groups and classes geared towards mothers in their 20s, 30s and 40s.

Another point that may be of use to us is an inadvertent finding by Donna Sauls and Jane Grassley (2012) as they studied their Supportive Needs of Adolescents During Childbirth (SNAC) program. One of the possible confounding factors noted in their study was that the experimental group had more of the adolescents living with their parents, whereas adolescents in the control group were more likely to live with their significant other. This warrants further study, but also serves as a reminder to look not only at the adolescent mother as an individual but in the context of her family environment.

—–

World Breastfeeding Week 2014: The Real Breastfeeding Story

By Sheena Sommers, MA

The recent controversies generated by depictions of Attachment Parenting in the Western media and elsewhere have revealed a fairly astounding degree of misinformation about infant and child development. Most especially, the media’s fetishist focus on “extreme breastfeeding” has revealed the tremendously wide chasm that exists between official medical recommendations about breastfeeding and the actual reality and perception of the practice on the ground.

Discussions generated by overly sexualized and highly sensationalized depictions of breastfeeding have often helped only to bolster a set of beliefs about the practice that are as dangerous as they are inaccurate. Though breastfeeding is touted by almost every recognized medical body as being one of the best things a mother can do to ensure the health and well-being of her child, the fact remains that very few infants are exclusively breastfed during their first six months of life and even fewer still are breastfed beyond their first year as official medical guidelines recommend.

Breastfeeding older babies, sometimes referred to by advocates as full-term breastfeeding, means different things to different people. Though some feel that nursing an infant past one year should be considered full term, others define it as breastfeeding a child past the age of two. Perhaps more important than any specific age reference is instead a commitment to continue breastfeeding until a child initiates the weaning process.

While beliefs and approaches to breastfeeding have certainly varied widely through time and place, the current level of societal discomfort breastfeeding engenders is without doubt an anomaly. What has since our earliest days been central to our very survival as a species has, more recently, been made to seem—by some of the more vocal critics at least—as an unnatural, immoral and even perverse practice when engaged in beyond the first year of an infant’s life. Thus, mothers who breastfeed their toddlers and very young children have been called everything from odd and eccentric to sexually perverse and even abusive.

What may therefore come as a shock to many in the West today is that from an historic and cross-cultural perspective, breastfeeding older babies and very young children is the norm. As Cornell University (USA) anthropologist Meredith Small, PhD, surmises in her groundbreaking work Our Babies, Ourselves: How Biology and Culture Shape the Way We Parent, the “hominid blueprint of the way babies were fed for 99% of human history indicates breast milk as the primary or sole food until two years of age or so, and nursing commonly continuing for several more years.”

Breastfeeding children until the age of three or four years has been the norm throughout much of human history and remains so in various parts of the world today. Even as late as 1800, an infant born in the United States could expect to be nursed for somewhere between two to four years.

What happened over the last 200 years to have so dramatically altered breastfeeding patterns is too complicated a history to review here. It is needless to say, however, that despite no shortage of scientific and medical evidence to support much longer-term breastfeeding, this has not been enough to sway popular practice or belief in any large measure. In the United States, Canada and elsewhere, breastfeeding beyond a year—or two for the more progressive types—raises eyebrows and even ire amongst some otherwise seemingly rational people. As discussed further below, though breastfeeding rates are on the rise, the increases are small, and breastfeeding older babies is still a far cry from the cultural norm in the West.

Not only does the historical and anthropological evidence suggest that weaning before age two is unusual, but from a purely biological perspective, nursing a child through the toddler years is not in the least bit abnormal. In fact, the typical age for child-led weaning from a physiological standpoint has been estimated to fall within the broad range of two and a half to seven years of age.

Click here to read this article in its entirety on The Attached Family.com. Or, alternately, you can find this and many more articles in the latest issue of Attached Family magazine.

API Announces New Attached Family Edition: “Voices of Breastfeeding” Double Issue

The core of Attachment Parenting is responding with sensitivity.

API recognizes that breastfeeding can be difficult in our society. It is hard to do something different than our family and friends, who are our social network prior to becoming parents, and to find a new support system for our choices. It is hard to navigate new motherhood relatively alone, compared to other cultures where family rallies together to give the mother a “babymoon”—a time when mom and baby can bond uninterrupted while housework and caring for other children are taken up by others in her life. It is hard to make the choice to return to work and then try to integrate a child care provider into our way of parenting. It is hard to pump while away from baby. And it is hard to continue to push through difficulties, whether they be a poor latch or milk supply issues or teething or night waking, when so many others in our lives are trying to convince us to just give a bottle of formula.

But breastfeeding, like any choice made through the lens of Attachment Parenting, is ultimately about responding with sensitivity to our babies (and toddlers). There are great nutritional and health benefits to feeding breast milk, but what makes breastfeeding special enough for many mothers to continue despite societal pressure and their personal hurdles is that breastfeeding is more than a way to feed their babies—it offers the beginnings of a relationship with their child that cannot be easily replicated another way.

The human mother was designed to breastfeed so that a relationship is borne from the effort—from the mother and her baby learning about each other and what will work or not, from the gaze between each other, from the oxytocin rush each receives, from the gentle discipline necessary in teaching baby not to bite or to eventually night-wean, from the mother finding her balance while caring for her baby, from the mother learning to be flexible as baby grows and needs change. We can find a bit of each of Attachment Parnting International’s Eight Principles of Parenting within the act of breastfeeding. Breastfeeding behavior is very literally the embodiment of responding with sensitivity to our babies—and responding with sensitivity is a skill and art form that all mothers need no matter their child’s age.

In this special edition of Attached Family, through the “Voices of Breastfeeding: Advocating for Acceptance” issue, we take a look at the cultural explosion of breastfeeding advocacy, as well as the challenges still to overcome. API writer Sheena Sommers begins this issue with “The Real Breastfeeding Story,” including a look at “Extended Breastfeeding Around the World” by API writer Rivkah Estrin, followed by API Professional Liaison Patricia Mackie’s interview with the founder of Breastfeed, Chicago! and finally, I present researcher Jeanne Stolzer as she makes “Nature’s Case for Breastfeeding.” Scattered throughout this issue are parent stories, project highlights and additional resources from around and beyond API.

That said, not all mothers are able to breastfeed.

Thankfully, the key behaviors of breastfeeding can be mimicked while giving a bottle of expressed milk or formula to a baby. A mother-baby pair unable to breastfeed, therefore, is not necessarily unable to form a secure attachment. That is the beauty of Attachment Parenting.

The reason breastfeeding is considered a key element in Attachment Parenting is because it is this very act that is nature’s best teacher for new parents in how to sensitively and consistently respond to their babies, forming the foundation of reciprocity of a healthy relationship meant to serve the parent-child dyad for a lifetime.

Largely due to cultural pressures, even when mothers are able to get breastfeeding off to a good start, there is a sharp overall decline in breastfeeding rates in the weeks and months after delivery. If mothers do not have adequate support when breastfeeding problems arise, premature weaning often happens. There is even less support for teaching mothers who feed by bottle how to do so within the parent-child relationship framework.

This time of learning how to parent is crucial to the mother-infant relationship. Attachment Parenting helps mothers—whether breastfeeding or bottle feeding—view infant care in the context of the holistic parent-child relationship and learn how that give-and-take interaction that builds the foundation of secure attachment can be applied beyond feeding with love and respect.

Through the “Voices of Breastfeeding: Meeting Challenges with Compassion” in this special edition of Attached Family, we take a look at the “other side” of breastfeeding advocacy—championing compassion for the mother who encounters challenges in breastfeeding and who may not be able to breastfeed at all. API’s The Attached Family.com Editor Lisa Lord opens this issue with “When Breastfeeding Doesn’t Work,” followed by a look at a “Mom-Inspired Milk Bank” by API writer Kathleen Mitchell-Askar and the debute of API’s Parent Support Deserts project—each with accompanying parent stories (including that of Sara Jones Rust, who graces the cover), project highlights and additional resources from around and beyond API.

While we at API wish that breastfeeding was possible, and fulfilling, for all mother-baby couples, it is as Wendy Friedlander of New York City, USA, says on page 8: “In the end, it doesn’t matter because they loved her. When it comes to a situation where you are low on reserves and low on support, there is only so much one person can do. Your children are getting served by love. That is the number-one thing that serves them.”

The Struggles We Face Only Make Us Stronger

On this day four years ago, I gave birth to my second child. I witnessed and experienced bringing another precious, miraculous life into this world and into my heart forever. Our gentle, loving and sweet little warrior, Aston.

Our first nine months together were not easy. My lupus decided to painfully challenge us throughout my pregnancy. I spent a lot of time at the doctor and in the hospital as a high-risk patient. All I wanted was to be healthy and to deliver a healthy baby boy. I remember lying on the table at the cardiologist’s office when they found fluid in my heart and around my lungs. I was having difficulty breathing and had alarmingly low blood pressure. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

Something very powerful happened. A calmness took over and replaced my fear. I trusted that I was meant to be a healthy mother to our two boys. I trusted that everything was going to be OK. One of the specialists said something after witnessing all of the drama Aston and I endured together. He told me that all of this suffering and all of these challenges would make Aston a stronger boy. He would get through anything, just as I would get through this.

A strong boy. That is an understatement.

Aston spent much of his first two years of life in and out of hospitals and doctor’s offices. His big brother never wanted to leave his side and was with us at every visit. He stood by him and comforted him through every test and felt his pain when he felt pain. He would put a Band-Aid on to make Aston feel better about wearing one. Their bond only strengthens with time.

I won’t go into all of the hardships he’s courageously faced up until now. I just wanted to share how brave and happy he is, despite the many struggles he’s faced. He is a survivor. He is a gentle ox, and it’s so appropriate that his Chinese birth sign is just that.

He is such a wondrous and magical spirit. He melts our hearts with his loving and kind nature. He is self assured yet open to the world and all there is to learn around him. He is so in touch with his surroundings and with humanity. His love exudes in every breath, action and word he utters. He is glorious light in our lives each day.

Aston is a wise and old soul. He teaches and leads by example. He is a loyal and one-of-a-kind friend and brother to Pierce.

He wakes up every single day with a huge and grateful smile on his face. He appreciates the very simple things in life and fundamentally gets what those things are. He warms my heart and touches my soul deeply … every moment. He amazes and inspires me every day.

Our adventure continues, and he now gets to experience the world as a proud and healthy 4-year-old. Two years ago, he was on a breathing machine daily. Witnessing him climbing the Great Wall of China, running along the beach and actively enjoying each moment of his life is a wonderful miracle every day. He is up for anything and gives everything his all, with the purest heart and uninhibited passion. I am more grateful than I can express for his presence and love in our lives.

I am so grateful that my instinct as a mother led me to the Attachment Parenting way of life from the moment our first son was born. I was living the principles of Attachment Parenting, as well as babywearing, breastfeeding and cosleeping, before I knew the term Attachment Parenting existed. I often felt alone in my way of parenting because everyone I was surrounded by was doing it differently and questioned me. I never questioned myself or doubted my ways for a second. It was very comforting, however, when I found API and discovered I wasn’t alone, had support and could communicate and connect with like-minded parents.

Today and always, I am so grateful for the closeness we all share as a family, and I can’t imagine parenting any other way. In the hospitals, they would always have a crib set up, but as you can see, I requested a bed every time. I held him every second and we got through it all together.

Thank you for celebrating with us today.

Happy Birthday, Baby Aston.

When Your Partner Wants You to Wean: Heart Advice for Nursing Mothers

*The terms “husband” and “partner” are used interchangeably throughout this post.

“She’s too old to nurse. You need to stop.”

“There’s no way my son is nursing when he’s three years old!”

“You are being selfish. Breastfeeding past one year is unnecessary. You only do this because it gives you pleasure.”

“I should have a say in this situation. Why do you get to decide how long he nurses?”

“What if I took her away from you and made you stop nursing?”

Perhaps you have heard these very words. Perhaps you have heard variations on the theme. If so, you understand the instinctive fear and sadness that can rise up in a breastfeeding mother’s body when a demand for premature weaning is given–especially when this comes from her husband or partner.

Breastfeeding is one of the most beautiful and gentle expressions of human love on the planet. Tragically, it can become a subject of discord between you and your husband. Harsh words, demands or threats about breastfeeding can tarnish your memories of nursing. The added tension in your home is unhealthy for all members of the family.

According to the World Health Organization, La Leche League International, The American Pediatric Association and Attachment Parenting International, a breastfeeding mother should continue to nurse–once the minimum recommended length of breastfeeding is met–as long as it is “mutually desired” by herself and her child. All of these organizations acknowledge the important role a father plays in offering support to the breastfeeding mother.

Knowing that you have the backing of such institutions may be helpful. But it probably doesn’t ease the emotional anguish of feeling the pressure to wean before you and your child are ready. In fact, such official statements may be a source of frustration for your husband, who wants or demands to play a role in determining how long his child will nurse.

The questions remain: What should you do when the vital support of your partner is withdrawn? Should you wean on demand?

May the following four points embolden, strengthen and encourage you as you navigate your way to answering to these painful questions.

Learn and Share

Take the time to thoroughly research the benefits of breastfeeding and the importance of nurturing a secure attachment. Perhaps, like many breastfeeding mothers, you are fully committed to child-led weaning. As one mother stated, “Only one person gets to decide when my son is ready to wean, and that is my son.”

Or perhaps, like many breastfeeding mothers, you acknowledge that a shift in the mother-child nursing dynamic can occur on either side of the equation. You may be open to a gentle approach to weaning that is mother-initiated if your feelings towards nursing change. Many thoughtful and gentle approaches to weaning described by attachment-minded leaders such as Dr. William Sears exist. By researching, you will clarify why breastfeeding is important to you and be able to articulate your vision of weaning.

Most importantly, invite your husband into this experience. While it’s important to share what you have learned through your research, it’s even more important to ask him to research the topic on his own. We all learn best when our inquiry is self-initiated. Perhaps his lack of support may simply come from ignorance. He may not know that the World Health Organization recommends that children breastfeed until they are at least two years old as a minimum standard for health. He may not understand that the health and emotional benefits of nursing continue through the toddler years. As you both do your research, you can each learn, clarify and share your insights–ideally with compassion.

Identify Underlying Issues

Can the issues fueling your partner’s demand to wean be identified? Explore the possible causes of the negativity associated with your nursing. Is your husband jealous? Is your partner feeling left out of the parenting experience? Does he have his own special “Daddy Time” to nurture important memories of fatherhood? What unconscious memories does your husband carry about his own weaning? Is your partner embarrassed by your breastfeeding? Does he want exclusive access to your body?

We live in a culture full of explicit material featuring the female body as a source of male pleasure, yet mothers who nurse in public face scorn. We live in a culture in which many of us were weaned before our natural time, perhaps due to pressure from our own fathers. We live in a culture in which only a minority of children experience the benefits of breastfeeding as nature intended. Both underlying personal issues within the relationship and underlying patterns that come from social dynamics can fuel a husband’s demand for his wife to stop nursing. See if you can identify what the core issues are. Breastfeeding can be a symbol for deeper discord that is being projected upon the mother-child relationship.

Find Support

Breastfeeding without the support of your partner is not an easy road to traverse. It’s also not easy to wish for something to change and meet resistance. I’ve spent hours in conversation with women who deeply regret giving into the pressure that led to an early weaning of their children. I’ve also spent hours in conversation with men who struggle with supporting their wives or partners in breastfeeding. They feel left out, angry and sometimes disgusted by the continued nursing relationship. Offering loving support to both individuals in this situation is vital if a healthy resolution is to unfold.

As you both seek support, consider meeting with other breastfeeding-friendly families. Let the men speak together about their fears, hopes and struggles when it comes to supporting their partners in breastfeeding. For yourself, speak candidly and openly with other nursing mothers. Join online breastfeeding support forums and reach out to trusted friends. The pressure to stop nursing before you or your child are ready can feel overwhelming. Do not keep this stress private. Have the courage to share your story with other mothers; you will find it is far more common than not.

Certainly, if your husband’s demands feel relentless or turn into threats, seek professional support. A trained marriage counselor who understands the importance of breastfeeding is invaluable here. Not only will this person offer encouragement for breastfeeding and a healthy approach to weaning, but a skilled mediator can also help your partner identify underlying issues that fuel his current demands, as well as supporting both of you in open and honest communication.

Nourish Yourself

There is a deep wisdom found in the natural dynamic between a nursing mother and child. Breastfeeding eases transitions into and out of sleep, helps calm stressed nervous systems and provides nutritive wonders that science still cannot decode. The season of breastfeeding is short-lived, even if it extends through the toddler years. Ideally, as long as both the mother and child are in harmony, the bond found in breastfeeding should be supported. Remember, you cannot turn back the clock. Once a child is weaned, the nursing stage of life for that child is over. Your pain in having this bond threatened mirrors a greater pain present in our society.

As you navigate this difficulty, you need to nourish yourself. It’s imperative. Be sure to continue eating well and exercising. If you have a spiritual or religious practice, you may wish to dive deeply into the wisdom of silence and/or prayer. Find a source of strength that is greater than your own understanding to uplift you. Take refuge in the beauty of breastfeeding. Take refuge in the wisdom in nature. Find strength in the support of women. May these gifts nourish you at this time.