Category: Presence

Stay at Home Mondays

We recently added a new event to our schedule: Stay at Home Mondays. The start of the week was being hard for us. Most often, we’d end up staying home anyway, but only after I felt like I’d failed to get us to the standing park playgroup Monday mornings with all our AP buddies, only after I’d imagined the grocery store trip we needed to make, and reviewed and been unable to accomplish anything on the errand and to-do list that had lengthened over the weekend.

I was feeling like maybe everyone else had figured out something I hadn’t; they had their weeks and time scheduled so they could get out of their homes more easily, keep a clean house and stocked fridge, manage their time and their things better than I could. That me vs. them thinking that inevitably leaves me coming up short while the rest of the world got some rule book I can’t seem to find. I posted on my blog asking for time management tips. I imagined setting up a routine for myself so that I would have a set menu-planning day, grocery day, cleaning day, etc. Then I started feeling hemmed in. I hate following schedules. I hadn’t even assigned days yet and already I wanted to tear up the calendar. For dumpster rental service you can go through www.dumposaurus.com website.

Continue reading “Stay at Home Mondays”

Power No-Struggles

Right on schedule, around his second birthday, my son began practicing the word No. I read that kids use no as a way to individuate and to experiment with their personal power. The more attached they are, the more they need to individuate. Well, we were mighty attached because he started saying No frequently. I wasn’t used to our having such different agendas. If I ever felt myself getting frustrated or impatient, I would play Yes No. He would say, “No” and I would shake my head while also saying “No.” Then I would say, “Yes” and nod vigorously. We’d go back and forth until we were distracted from our original difference of opinion and were just playing a game.

Now, we play Yes No without ever having had a conflict to begin with. Cavanaugh looks at me and starts shaking his head. I shake mine. He starts nodding. I nod too. It’s fun, looking into each others’ eyes to watch for a direction shift, mimicking each other and taking turns leading the nod/shake action. Cavanaugh often initiates the game on days when we’ve been busy with activities and haven’t had a lot of alone quiet time with each other. It allows us to reconnect and having Yes No in reserve for those times when I feel us getting into a power struggle is a nice tool too.

Besides Yes No, we play variations of Kisses. A couple of months ago, Cavanaugh started refusing my kisses or I would give him a kiss and he’d wipe it off his cheek, “No kisses, Mama.” It turned out the kisses weren’t actually a problem for him; he liked getting them. He was just experimenting with body boundaries and whether he could say Stop or Go and have me follow his lead. So, I’d stop kissing his cheek and then he’d say, “More” and I’d kiss him some more. He giggled liked crazy and our original game has turned into Kiss Variations. Eskimo kisses with nose rubs turned to cheeks against each other, or chins. All of it accomplishes the same goal though: much fun and laughter, a lot of nurturing touch, and Cavanaugh getting to set boundaries and experiment with his personal power.

At an age when I was led to believe we’d be fighting or I’d be trying to hide my embarrassment during a two-year-olds tantrum at the store, both of us are experimenting with setting limits. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with the power struggles that inevitably come up between parents and toddlers?

Sonya Feher is a writer and mama living in Austin, Texas. She blogs at http://mamatrue.com .

“Holiday” Wean: I Almost Fell Into That Trap

It’s something that every nursing mother experiences at least once. It’s mostly known as “The Holiday Wean”, but really it can happen during any major transition or stressful period.

Like moving.

Because my husband and I were in a hurry to get our new house painted and us moved in, my girls, ages 2 and 4, spent a lot of time over other people’s houses while we packed, painted, and unpacked. In fact, the night before the move, my 2 yeard old and I spent our very first night apart: she slept over her Grandmother’s while my husband and I stayed up until midnight to finish the painting. I figured she would be okay with it.

The next afternoon, after the move, when my MIL brought her home, I thought she would want to nurse immediately. Imagine my surprise when she wanted nothing to do with me. She was angry.

It took about four hours before she would finally come over and give me a hug and kiss. And it wasn’t until the next day that she decided she would nurse again (to the relief of my sore and engorged breasts).

You would think that I would’ve been more aware of what was happening. I did mention to my husband once or twice that she wasn’t nursing as often during the packing phase, but didn’t really think much of it. I got too wrapped up in other things in life, and forgot the important lesson that my daughter teaches me every day: sit down and rest, slow down, take care of yourself.

Thankfully, my daughter is now back to her regular nursing schedule. She and her sister love their new room and the house. We are all grinning ear to ear over here.

Have you ever experienced the Holiday Wean? How do you remind yourself to take time to make sure your nursling is getting his or her “na nas” during stressful and busy times?

Nighttime parenting

My daughter is almost two years old. I still nurse her to sleep in the sling.Once in the afternoon for a nap and once in the evening.This process takes at least 30 minutes if I’m very lucky,if not more than that. When she falls into deep sleep,I transfer her to the bed.

If you had told me this when I was a mom of a 3 month old,I wouldn’t believe it.Back then I didn’t know that most of the babies need some kind of parenting to sleep. Continue reading “Nighttime parenting”

Gratitude and Rest

My husband and I have been trying to figure out what to do for Thanksgiving this year. We’re feeling exhausted from work, house and garden projects, my mom moving to town. Having a big Thanksgiving event just seems like another project, one we wouldn’t necessarily feel thankful for.

When I was pregnant, Mike and I talked about what holiday traditions we’d grown up with and what we wanted to create or continue for our son. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. I love the time in the kitchen, eating and serving food that I may only make on that day of the year.
Continue reading “Gratitude and Rest”

In Defense of Being Present

Oftentimes during my parenting journey, I’ve had to defend several of my choices.

“Yes, he’s still breastfeeding. He’s growing and happy, so it must be all he needs.”

“No, we believe it’s better if he sleeps with us.”

“Oh, the sling is easier for me than a stroller would be.”

Most of these statements and defenses had to be made to my husband’s family.  My family has either had the good sense to let me do what I want concerning these issues, or was blissfully ignorant.

The one issue of which my family has stressed their opinion is my choice to be present for my children.  

When I was pregnant with my first and announced that I was going to be quitting my job to be with my newborn, I was surprised to meet resistance from my family.

My mother said it’s boring, and I’ll need fulfillment in my life.

My sister pointed out how lucky she was to be able to work, and that her infant daughter and toddler son loved their daycare.  “It’s good for us to be apart.”

My brother was just puzzled.  Afterall, we were raised by a working mom.  We were shuttled off to babysitters and daycares.  That’s just the way life is.  And besides, I’m his little sister and he knows I worked hard for my education, and he just wants me to be happy.

They had so convinced me that it was wrong to want to be with my child that I told them that it was just for a year.  “When he’s a year old, I’ll go back to work.”

I even halfway convinced myself.  

As I currently say, hopefully humorously, in my previous life I had been a counselor/therapist.  I worked both in schools and in a private practice.  I quit a month before my son was born.

It was hard.  I had spent years waking up to an alarm clock, getting dressed in professional clothes and spending the day with clients and peers to being home with a baby who, in all honesty, wasn’t a terrific conversationalist.

It was boring as heck.  It was lonely.  But I never doubted my decision to be with my son.   I wanted to be with my son in a way I had never experienced wanting to be with anyone.  

And yet I defended. 

“He’s breastfeeding.  When he weans at a year, I’ll go back to work.”  

“There just aren’t any good daycares around me, so there’s no place to leave him.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll go back!”

But truth be known, by the time my son was one week old, I knew I wouldn’t be going back for a long time.  My child needed me.

When I was pregnant with my second child, my daughter, my family once again let me know it’s time to separate.

“Will you be putting your son in daycare now?”

“You know, your sister really enjoyed having her son in daycare so she could spend time with the new baby.”

But time and confidence can be a wonderful thing.

“No, my son will not be going into daycare.”

“I enjoy being with my son, I enjoy staying home, and we’re extremely fortunate that we can afford it.  I’m looking forward to being with two children.”

Five months later, my mother came for a visit.  During which she said to me,

“It’s always so sad when a woman revolves her life around her small kids.”

I said nothing.  There was nothing to say.  I smiled to myself, confident that I was doing the very best I could to be present for my children.  My children were happy, I was happy.  

I no longer felt the need to defend.

The Carnival of Presence Wrap-up

We had many wonderful participants in the first-ever Carnival of Presence here on API Speaks. And that doesn’t include the guest posters and regular contributors who have shared their stories about giving their children presence all month long!

First, I’d like to take a moment to announce the wonderful Attachment Parenting Month prizes we have available here on API Speaks. Those who participated in the carnival, linked to the carnival on their blog, and those who go out and read one of the entries below and comment on this post with their thoughts on the carnival entry they read will all get a chance to win one of the following prizes:

Second, I’d like to announce the topic for next month Attachment Parenting Carnival: Nighttime Parenting. How do you respond with sensitivity to your child’s nighttime needs?

And finally, I’d like to tell you about another fun AP Month activity: <strong>The AP Month Photo & Essay Contests!</strong> All parents love to talk about their children and who doesn’t like to show off their adorable pictures? Now’s your chance: There’s no fee to participate, and you don’t have to be a member to enter. Not only could you see your photo or essay published on our website or in one of our publications, but there are a number of other prizes available, too. For more information, including where to email your photo or essay, check out the essay contest guidelines and the photo contest rules.

And now for the entries!

Something to bump up against

Today, API Speaks is proud to feature a guest post by Dr. Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D., author of Playful Parenting. Dr. Cohen is a licensed psychologist specializing in children’s play and play therapy. Find out more at PlayfulParenting.com.

Some parents are intuitively attachment-oriented; some seek out an alternative to their childhood; and some stumble onto it. Whichever way they find attachment parenting, it can seem to many parents like the solution to every parenting situation. As the saying goes, give a child a hammer and everything suddenly looks like a nail.

But life isn’t that straightforward, is it? Just about anything in life powerful enough to provide significant solutions is also likely to create some new difficulties along the way. As a child and family therapist, I frequently recommend more attention to attachment in non-AP families.

However, when I work with attachment-oriented parents, they are typically puzzled by the problems they are facing, because they are “doing everything right” in terms of fostering attachment. I explain that they have indeed prevented many common problems, but in the process they have opened themselves up to some new and different challenges that “come with the territory.” This does not undermine the choices they have made. It’s like choosing not to vaccinate against chicken pox; it would be naïve to make that decision and not be prepared for spots, itching, and missed school days.

So what are the “itchy spots” of attachment parenting? The ones I tend to see most frequently involve some or all of these: aggressiveness, defiance, frequent meltdowns, emotional oversensitivity; sensory oversensitivity, and inflexibility. Paradoxically, there are also sometimes problems with separation and insecurity. Often these issues arise rather suddenly, most typically between age 2.5 and 3.5. The parents, meanwhile, are often at the end of their rope, begin to have conflicts over parenting style, and may wonder if they have created a monster.

But these problems are not the result of too much attachment or of not being good enough at attachment parenting. They are simply some of the predictable challenges of this approach.

Fortunately, these issues are generally easier to resolve than the ones caused by not enough attachment. A little playful parenting goes a long way towards bringing things back into balance and harmony.

Children thrive when they have manageable challenges. Insurmountable obstacles make them shut down, but sometimes the commitment to secure attachment can mean that a child does not have enough obstacles to “bump up against.” Part of the problem is that some parents only say “no” when they really really really mean it, or when they have flipped from their usual calm state to their rare–but intense–“losing it” state. The result is that “no” gets filled with tension, and there are no good ways for the child to release that tension. So play with the word no: “Nobody better touch these pillows or else they are in BIG TROUBLE!” Make sure to smile a goofy grin when you say this, and make sure the “trouble” is funny and fun. If a child is using potty talk or obscenities, you can try saying, “Oh, that’s OK to say, but you better not say kumquat.” Again, remember to ham up the silly-fake-mad reaction when they do say the pretend-bad word.

One reason this set of problems often arises around age 2-4, is that kids this age really need something to fight against, so that they can know where they stop and the world starts, and so they can know how strong they are. So roughhousing and playful rough and tumble play are perfect games for them. Wrestle, chase, pillow fight–but keep it light and fun. Go for the giggles, which are the sign of a release of the tension and a return to their sunny (safely secure) selves.

I hope you can see that I am not suggesting “toughening up” or (heaven forbid) letting children cry themselves to sleep. I’m suggesting a playful approach that helps to balance the wonderful strengths of attachment parenting. Try it out and let me know how it works at larry@playfulparenting.com.