APtly Said – Page 88

In a strange land…

Imagine you’ve just had done some dental implants in Chicago. Your deadened nerves make your mouth droop on one side. You’re drooling, but you don’t know you’re drooling because you can’t feel your face. Your tongue feels like it doesn’t quite fit in your mouth. For more tips, you can refer to this site.

And then, the phone rings. Someone’s calling about that job you’ve had your eye on, or the hard-to-reach medical billing department has just one more question to resolve the expensive mistake on your statement. You try to respond. You carefully coordinate your mouth muscles, but it’s useless. As much as you try to form words, they just don’t come out right. After a few tries, you start to sense frustration in the voice on the other end. The other person makes a snide comment before giving up and hanging up.

Imagine hiking in a new place, exploring as you go. You’ve just discovered the most fascinating artifact. You climb a few rocks to get a closer look. You’re able to reach it, touch it, marvel at it. Then suddenly, someone twice your size appears out of nowhere, pries it out of your fingers and hides it, for no apparent reason. He mumbles something in another language, and disappears.

Imagine dozing off after reading your child’s favorite book about giants. You start to dream about wandering around a strange, large world built for giants. The stairs come to your waist, you can barely peer over the dining table, and your drinking glass is the size and weight of a landscape planter. You spend your day trying to navigate this world, only to find that you’re constantly falling, running into things, breaking things, and spilling things.

Now, imagine these annoying obstacles are here to stay for a while. And imagine every time you make a mistake, a policeman pops out of nowhere, starts barking through a bullhorn and whacks you on the rear with a billy club.

Am I that far off from the way a young child experiences life?

The next time our frustration starts to peak, let’s try to remember how new, complicated, fascinating and big this world seems through the eyes of our little ones.

I am not raising obedient children…

...nor do I want to. Not that I would rather have disobedient kids, but…actually that’s closer to the truth. What?! (You say.) What crazy parent would want this?

To me, the word “obedient” has such a negative connotation when used in reference to raising children. It literally means to obey. As in, orders.

Is that what parenting is? Ordering our children through their youth? I guess it would be nice if my kids followed my orders just because I said so. Put your toys away. Eat this food. Find new friends. Date this person, not that person. Take this job, not that one. Have your first child by this date. Buy a house at this random location on the map, just because I said so.

If we are teaching our kids to be “obedient,” at what point do we stop ordering them around? And what if there’s a strong reason not to obey someone’s order? A “good“ child — one who is taught to be obedient — might not have the forethought to see a situation through.

I don’t want children who obey without hesitation. I want children who can think for themselves, recognize and listen to their feelings and instincts and respond appropriately.

What I mean when I say I’d rather my kids be “dis”obedient is really more like be deliberate. I want my kids to think about what they’re doing, assess the situations they’re in and make internally motivated decisions. I don’t want them to do things just because I said so — though I know that with the number and types of interactions I have with my kids at their current ages of 4 and 6 years old, doing things because I said so would certainly be nice sometimes. All of the questioning, reasoning, arguing and explaining I hear after a simple request does get time-consuming and tiring.

But I appreciate the thought my kids put into their explanations to not do something I ask. Raising non-obedient kids will become very important in several years when they are out alone — maybe with friends or maybe truly on their own; in either case, without parents — and must evaluate an emotionally or physically risky situation. They need to be able to recognize their feelings, appreciate the significance of those feelings, and trust their instincts to make a considerate and educated decision, a fitting decision — not an obedient decision.

Getting out of the mindset that children need to obey parents “because we say so” and instead developing a mutually respectful relationship that inspires independent thinking will be hugely beneficial for my kids and our family in about 10 years. As aggravating as some situations at this point in time, I will gladly take this challenge on now rather than later.

Love is Not Always Flood Lights and Fireworks, but Sometimes, It Is

My son is sleeping on my husband’s chest. Snuggled in an O against his broad shoulders in a snuggly nest. Resting easy, gently. I want my son to wake up because I haven’t seen him this morning. My husband let me sleep in this because I stayed up late last night writing and working on grad school work. I woke refreshed and awake, not my usual still-feel-like-I-need-two-more-hours-of-sleep-grogginess. Dare I say refreshed. Yes, I was refreshed.

As I walked by my two darlings, my husband was singing a song and waving me off – as in, Go away! So you don’t wake the boy. He is almost asleep. I went to the kitchen to get my breakfast and make coffee. I toasted two slices of cinnamon raison bread and slowly buttered it, taking my time. I put my son’s toys in the basket that I washed yesterday, placing them in, like an organizer would, quite a difference than their daily throw it in the basket routine. I did some laundry, changing over a load in the washer to the dryer and taking the dried clothes out of the laundry room. That load is in the kitchen. Still.

I want my little one to wake up. I miss his little face, his little body. His tiny little shoulders – how they’ve grown — yet he is still so tiny.
Continue reading “Love is Not Always Flood Lights and Fireworks, but Sometimes, It Is”

Safety and Security

Until we strongly address the root causes of hatred, the world is simply not a safer place. Feelings and actions related to arrogance and hatred do not abate with force, they only grow. Still, our proclamations of a safer world clearly show how much we desire to trust and live peaceably among each other.

This is why it is imperative that our time, attention, and resources be targeted–or at least not neglected to the degree that they are in our greater society–at what causes young people to be blindly swayed or coerced into destructive movements for a sense of belonging, love, and duty. To make the world a safer place, rather, it is raising our adults from very young ages with compassion, strength, confidence, love and empathy for everyone, not just their own. It is how we raise our children, how we treat our children and foster secure attachments, how we model love and compassion to them everyday as they grow into adults that truly changes the world. And it is these very origins of empathy and compassion, when fostered, that mediate the symptoms and pathways of violence and hatred: poverty, injustice, and inequality.

Vitally connected is how we support and inform those who are raising children, the parents, grandparents, and other caregivers. We must work to allay the stress and challenges of making a livelihood that make quality and intentional parenting a struggle. We need to value these mothers, fathers, grandparents, and caregivers and equip them with ongoing support, excellent and useful information, and encouragement and recognition for the important work they are doing. We need to raise awareness about attachment parenting.

This is why I believe so passionately in the work of Attachment Parenting International, carrying out this mission for the past 17 years: “To educate and support all parents in raising secure, joyful and empathic children in order to strengthen families and create a more compassionate world.” We cling to various strategies and programs to get at the solution to violence in the world, yet I believe it is by engaging in work like API’s and helping API exponentially reach more families that we could make the most difference.

For me, the questioning that arises regarding achieving a safer, more secure world invariably brings me to the importance of putting our energy into helping our children feel secure, loved, and loving from birth through adulthood. The Peace Corps idealism I have has not left me–I see a generation with a new empathy, a secure world for each person, for everyone brought about by parent heroes.

Not So Easy to Define AP to Some Parents

Tonight, I’m going to a parenting class at the request of the facilitator because, as he sees it, I will be able to add some interesting discussion about the topic of parenting. I reluctantly agreed to go, to at least try out the first day of this series.

I am hesitant because, as I told him, I don’t want to get stuck in some AP-bashing session. But I finally agreed, after he spent much time trying to persuade me, because I believe that I may be able to help some parents look at my “different” approach to parenting with new eyes.

See, most parents around my hometown know my children as very well-behaved kids. But they don’t really know my parenting style, because being a stay-at-home parent, most of my parenting style is done privately, in my home. The folks around here only see me and the kids out for brief periods of time, such as at church, the grocery store, the bank or the doctor’s office.

They don’t know that Attachment Parenting (AP) really isn’t for the light of heart. I say this because AP can’t be done half-heartedly and that it really is an intensive, holistic approach to parenting compared to some parenting styles.

I know that tonight’s parenting class is going to center on discipline, for the most part, and the facilitator is very interested in my sharing about positive discipline and how it can be done without spanking or punitive timeouts.

But what he doesn’t know is that AP is about much more than positive discipline, that when I talk to parents about discipline I don’t stop at redirection and teaching. I’m very forthcoming that my parenting approach – and therefore positive discipline – encompasses all areas of parenting.

We know AP as Attachment Parenting International’s Eight Principles of Parenting. To a newcomer to AP, the fact that there are eight parts to this parenting approach can simply be overwhelming.

People start researching parenting styles and approaches, going to classes and reading books, often because they’re looking for something different from what they’re doing. Something isn’t working, and they’re looking to tweak.

Those who finally embrace AP have come to the realization that there is no quick fix – that parenting is very much a multi-faceted program, that as parents you have to be involved in every aspect of that child’s life – from discipline to nurturing touch, from feeding with respect to consistent care, from responding with sensitivity to family balance, and so on.

Some parents don’t want to hear this. They don’t want to know that to change their child’s behavior, they have to do all this other stuff that they see has nothing to do with discipline.

If parenting was easy, we wouldn’t need books and experts and classes. There wouldn’t be all this confusion in our culture as to what the best parenting approach is. What makes parenting hard, in actuality, is the conflict it creates in parents trying to find balance in their lives.

Both our needs for balance and our children’s needs to be nurtured need to be met, but not at the expense of one another. Our children need a lot of attention. Discipline isn’t the answer to well-behaved kids; attention is.

Don’t Argue With Me

Here’s something that happens a lot: I say something. My child (I’m thinking particularly of my 4-year-old) argues the opposite. He’s not at all correct. In fact, he’s so not correct, his statement doesn’t make any logical sense at all.

Mom, this is how you spell “people”: p-e-p-l. Oh, close…there are a few more letters in there. No, that’s how you spelling exercise.
JJ, it’s time to be done with computer games. You never let me play computer!
Mom, what did we have for breakfast today? We had eggs. No, we didn’t! We had muffins. Actually, we had eggs today. We had muffins yesterday. No!

Where do I go from there? There are so many potential back-and-forths to be had with these kinds of statements. Do I bother? What are my choices for how to respond to ridiculous arguments? As I see it, I could:

Retort Back. I could issue the classic, “Don’t argue with me” statement. Many parents don’t like the feeling of being talked back to or argued with. It undermines their authority, and negates the message that they are “right.”

I think arguing is actually a valuable skill to have. I want my kids to be able to disagree and feel confident enough to share their thoughts. This will lead to standing up for themselves during tough moments or speaking up for others when it matters.

I also don’t want to send the message to my kids that they must be seen and not heard, or that different thoughts equal wrong thoughts. Sure, sometimes they might be wrong (the correct spelling of the word “people” is pretty indisputable), but there’s a difference in shutting down a child’s voice with an “I’m right, you’re wrong” attitude, and listening to their different–and, yes, maybe even wrong–thoughts with acceptance. It sets the stage for learning healthy debate skills and an open approach to communication. Though there are many times I’d like to respond to my kids with “Don’t argue with me,” I know that arguing is essentially good for them. It is helpful for kids to be able to disagree with authority figures in a safe environment and hone their Stick-Up-For-Myself skills.

Argue With Him. This is probably the most instinctual. When opposed, I can always come up with lots of excellent examples that really make my case. It’s only too easy to argue with my child over how much time he actually does get to spend on the computer, or how many muffins we don’t have in the pantry because we ate them…yesterday. But why do I feel the need to prove my point to a 4-year-old? And what will it truly result in?

No, it was eggs today. Remember I asked you if you wanted scrambled eggs? No. And you said yes, and I asked you if you wanted them with cheese or no cheese? No. And you said with cheese, so we had cheesy eggs today. No! I didn’t say that!
Of course I let you play computer! What have you been doing this morning? You played it yesterday too, and every day. You get plenty of computer time. No I don’t! I don’t get to play it hardly ever!

Perpetuating the argument only results in my son continuing to assert that he is right, now more loudly and with more emotion, because his autonomy is being threatened. Arguing with a child becomes less about the issue at hand and more about asserting control. One of us has to be a grown-up and disengage in this kind of pointless power struggle. Oh, right, that would be me…the grown-up.

Let it Go. Say, “OK.” Moving on. Because really, what does it matter? If my son mistakenly thinks we had muffins instead of eggs for breakfast, who does that hurt? How important is it for me to push the issue, and what will it cost our connection to do so? I’d rather agree to disagree about breakfast than put distance in our relationship.

Hear Him Out. Give him a chance to explain his seemingly ridiculous argument. “Oh?” “Is that what you think?” “What makes you say that?” “Tell me more.” “Ah, I see…” Asking these types of curiosity questions shows my child that I’m interested in what he has to say, even if I disagree. They also shift the conversation from confrontational to communicative. It tells him, “We see things differently, but I am interested in hearing you. I will listen, and you can help me understand.”

Listen to What He’s Really Trying to Say. Why do kids adamantly say things like “you always…” and “you never…”? Well, it’s based on the way the child feels at the time the statement is made. “You never…” and “You always…” indicate that he has strong feelings about that situation. “You never let me play computer” translates to, “I love playing computer and I’M SO ANGRY that I can’t play right now!” But of course, a 4-year-old’s brain isn’t capable of articulating that. Rather than try to prove my point with arguments and examples, I can simply acknowledge my child’s side of the argument and the feelings that are bringing it to light.

An argument with a child is rarely about the topic at hand. The verbal intensity and seeming lack of logic are brought on by the feelings underlying a child’s belligerence. So, for me and my argumentative 4-year-old, I could choose to ignore those feelings and assert my authority (focus on proving that I am right), or I could decide how important it really is that I “win” and respond to him with sensitivity. I can listen with acceptance and remind myself of his current stage of emotional, cognitive, and linguistic development. I can understand that the situation is not that he’s not listening to me; it’s that he’s not able to process information as I am. As any adult is. Because he’s four. But he won’t be four forever, and regardless of how obscure his perspective may seem right now, I can certainly make an effort to listen…for the future of our relationship and communication.

Teaching environmental responsibility

Editor’s note: Happy Earth Day 2015! While this post was originally published on April 26, 2011, it’s a good reminder of how Attachment Parenting dovetails with teaching the next generation about caring for our communities and planet.

Today is Earth Day, which means that many of us are thinking about our environmental footprint. My 2-year-old Jacob is totally oblivious to all of the talk about saving the planet, but my 6-year-old Hannah is very interested.

She’s picking up cues from school and the media, and every day she asks me how one or more of our activities impact the planet. I do my best to answer honestly, in a way that she’ll understand.

As I talk to Hannah about how our actions impact the planet, I’ve been reflecting on what my parenting style teaches my children about taking care of the earth. I think that if I generally communicate empathy and connectedness through the way that I respond to my children, they will feel that empathy and connectedness toward other people. And, by extension, toward the planet as a whole.

I see a definite connection with Attachment Parenting International‘s Eight Principles of Parenting. Here are a few examples from my home:

Feed with Love and Respect

As we introduce table foods, we’re creating a connection between our child and the world. Everything that we consume is provided in some way by the planet. And as we strive to make healthy eating choices, we’ll naturally be eating more whole foods. It’s a very logical step to talk to our children about where their food comes from, how it’s grown and how life on earth is sustained.

Respond with Sensitivity

We build a relationship of trust with our children by responding to them sensitively. It starts with a newborn’s first cries, and it continues as our children grow and we involve ourselves in their interests and strive to meet their needs. The relationship that is formed in the process creates a model for how children interact with the larger world around them.

If they learn to trust us, they will also learn to trust others — and develop empathy for them. They will understand that their actions have an impact, and they’ll want to make sure it’s helpful instead of harmful.

Strive for Balance in Your Personal and Family Life

One of the best ways that I’ve found to recharge my own batteries, as well as my kids’ batteries, is to get out into nature. Many parents that I talk to share the same experience. Getting outside, even if it just means spending 20 minutes in the backyard, can turn everyone’s mood around.

When my kids are outside, they explore the natural world. The wonder they experience is amazing, as they learn about plants and animals and insects and weather and seasons. They come to appreciate the earth, and they want to care for and support it.

By making healthy choices, taking the time to get outside, and helping our children learn empathy and feel connectedness, we’re setting the stage for them to make more sustainable choices. Without saying a word, our actions are communicating our values — and our kids pick up on them naturally. I think that’s a great thing.

How have your children learned to live more lightly on the planet? And do you think your parenting style plays a role in how they view the larger world? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Embracing Positive Discipline’s Challenges

Positive discipline doesn’t come instinctively for many people. In fact, that’s why most parents undertake positive discipline in the first place; they want to change their current instincts about raising children. They want to break the cycle of using traditional discipline methods that compromise the parent-child relationship, and they are forging their way in a new direction.

As opposed to parenting with strict control and scare tactics, when children are raised with kindness and respect, parents are instilling a new instinct for discipline. Children learn how to solve problems, manage difficult emotions, and make intrinsic decisions about what’s right and wrong. Positive discipline is a parenting approach that is based on connection and trust, rather than on longing and fear. American parenting educator Kelly Bartlett continues on The Attached Family online magazine.