Category: APtly Said

Who’s the Boss?

Like most people I know, I spent my adolescence longing for true independence. Though my parents certainly weren’t oppressive, I was always anxious to assume control of my own life. I wanted to decide for myself, everything from whether to become a vegetarian, to what I wanted to do with my Saturday afternoon or when I wanted to go to bed. Adulthood, even with all its responsibilities, was freedom; finally, I was my own boss. Eventually, I partnered with an amazing man, and together we took charge of our new life. Six years later, I gave birth to our baby girl . . . and was instantly demoted.

Meet the new boss. After only 21 months on the job, she’s shaken things up quite a bit at our place. So much for deciding for myself when I wanted to go to bed. These days, plans often don’t proceed – well, as I planned – because the youngest person in our family has different ideas. And more often than not, when such conflicts arise, we defer to our daughter. (Within reason and safety permitting, of course.)

Continue reading “Who’s the Boss?”

Struggling near the goal line…

My son turned two a week ago and is as much an attachment baby as ever, maybe even more so. I love to hold him, and cuddle him, and even sleep with him when he comes into bed in the middle of the night. I am fine with him sitting on my lap during meals and crawling all over me all day long. The problem is, there are times I can barely stand nursing anymore. Continue reading “Struggling near the goal line…”

Super Mom Retires

When I was a younger mommy and parenting my first two children, I worried a lot about whether I was meeting expectations.  Of course, my first priority was my children and their well-being, but right after that was making sure that I gave the impression of being confident, completely competent, and like I was the type of mom who could do it all.  I adhered to the belief that I could have clean, well-dressed, well-behaved children who were a joy, all while being perfectly coiffed, stylishly dressed and madly successful.  All I had to do was work hard enough, put in enough effort, and always be doing something.  I could have it all.

It makes me tired now just to write that. Continue reading “Super Mom Retires”

When Breastfeeding Difficulties Are Overwhelming–Getting Past Them

In early 2004, when I found myself pregnant with my first child, there was never any doubt in my mind that I would breastfeed. The cost of formula, the ease and convenience of nursing and the health benefits for mom and baby all combined to make the decision a no-brainer. I never considered, not once, bottle feeding my child.

As I got closer to delivery, all the books, my doctor and other experienced mothers all assured me that while the first few weeks can be tough, it eventually works out and becomes easy.

Unfortunately for me, although I successfully nursed both kids for as long as I could, it was never what I would call easy. I struggled with mastitis and recurrent thrush, and low supply problems resulting from my thyroid disease. I never did get the blanket thing right. When I asked our pediatrician for help with positioning, she blew me off and said, “Oh, you’ll figure it out.” When I asked a friend the same question, she said, “You just need to practice.” What I needed was for someone to say, “Hold him like THIS, put your shirt like THIS, put your arm like THIS.” Continue reading “When Breastfeeding Difficulties Are Overwhelming–Getting Past Them”

Beyond the Baby B’s: Attachment Through Play

Nothing was easier, more intuitive for me than the Baby Bs: breastfeeding, babywearing, bedding with baby, and so on.  Attachment parenting an infant was simple. Keep that child close, and all is well. But then what? When a child becomes mobile, become verbal, thing are suddenly so much more complicated. Sure, many of the principles of attachment parenting still apply, but they become a moving target…moving at the whirlwind speed of toddlers and preschoolers.

Research shows that I’m obviously not the only one that has struggled with this. Continue reading “Beyond the Baby B’s: Attachment Through Play”

Trial by fire

When my son, my husband and I came home from the hospital, my husband had to make an emergency run to get the foul-tasting supplement Poly Vi Sol, as well as a canister of formula. What business do I have on API Speaks? My son, Peter Gwydion, was born at 28 weeks gestation due to my developing severe preeclampsia. Instead of a third trimester filled with belly casts and pregnancy photos that ended with a beautiful homebirth, we spent two months living in an apartment an hour and a half away from our home while Gwyn worked hard in the NICU.

Continue reading “Trial by fire”

Power No-Struggles

Right on schedule, around his second birthday, my son began practicing the word No. I read that kids use no as a way to individuate and to experiment with their personal power. The more attached they are, the more they need to individuate. Well, we were mighty attached because he started saying No frequently. I wasn’t used to our having such different agendas. If I ever felt myself getting frustrated or impatient, I would play Yes No. He would say, “No” and I would shake my head while also saying “No.” Then I would say, “Yes” and nod vigorously. We’d go back and forth until we were distracted from our original difference of opinion and were just playing a game.

Now, we play Yes No without ever having had a conflict to begin with. Cavanaugh looks at me and starts shaking his head. I shake mine. He starts nodding. I nod too. It’s fun, looking into each others’ eyes to watch for a direction shift, mimicking each other and taking turns leading the nod/shake action. Cavanaugh often initiates the game on days when we’ve been busy with activities and haven’t had a lot of alone quiet time with each other. It allows us to reconnect and having Yes No in reserve for those times when I feel us getting into a power struggle is a nice tool too.

Besides Yes No, we play variations of Kisses. A couple of months ago, Cavanaugh started refusing my kisses or I would give him a kiss and he’d wipe it off his cheek, “No kisses, Mama.” It turned out the kisses weren’t actually a problem for him; he liked getting them. He was just experimenting with body boundaries and whether he could say Stop or Go and have me follow his lead. So, I’d stop kissing his cheek and then he’d say, “More” and I’d kiss him some more. He giggled liked crazy and our original game has turned into Kiss Variations. Eskimo kisses with nose rubs turned to cheeks against each other, or chins. All of it accomplishes the same goal though: much fun and laughter, a lot of nurturing touch, and Cavanaugh getting to set boundaries and experiment with his personal power.

At an age when I was led to believe we’d be fighting or I’d be trying to hide my embarrassment during a two-year-olds tantrum at the store, both of us are experimenting with setting limits. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with the power struggles that inevitably come up between parents and toddlers?

Sonya Feher is a writer and mama living in Austin, Texas. She blogs at http://mamatrue.com .

Sleeping through the night

Back in November I had written about night-time parenting. I had asked how the situation is in other AP homes. Well, things have changed quite a lot since and I thought it would be nice to give feedback. Continue reading “Sleeping through the night”