API Blog – Page 8 – APtly Said

10 tips for nurturing attachment during the holidays

The holidays are an exciting time for children. The gifts, the lights, the decorations, the food, the family gathering — the list goes on and on. But in the hustle and bustle, it’s easy to lose sight of the values we want to pass down to our children, such as strengthening and maintaining a strong parent-child attachment.

Here are 10 tips to nurture attachment with our children during the holidays:

You are the best gift — “Living in a split-attention society, many children have rarely experienced the full, uninterrupted attention of a parent.” Stacy inspires us to give our children what they really want: Our time.
Emphasize family time — “The best present we are getting each other this year is time together.” Scylla encourages all of us to intentionally spend time together as a family in our annual holiday traditions.
Santa or not, don’t use gifts as a bribe — “Our family does Santa, but we don’t use him as a discipline tactic. The kids have no idea of the notion that they ‘must be good’ so Santa will come.” Sarah suggests that we keep the spirit of the holidays without any of the shame.
Protect your child’s sleep — “Don’t disrupt your normal sleep arrangements. If you normally cosleep, continue to do so.” Especially while traveling, Jasmine reminds us to continue nighttime parenting and safe infant sleep guidelines despite the holiday.
Inspire the spirit of giving — “For the first time ever, the school-aged children beamed with pride over the effort put into their gifts and the expectant joy when the receiver opened them. The emphasis was now on the making and giving rather than the receiving.” Judy offers a list of gifts that children of all ages can make and reclaim the spirit of the holidays.
Rethink holiday treats — “Many of my holiday memories revolve around food. Now that we are starting our own family traditions, I am trying to incorporate the fun and pleasure of holiday goodies without the overload of sugar. As a parent, it is my responsibility to nurture a taste for nutritious foods.” Dionna inspires us with tips to make holiday treats that are both special and healthier.
Strive for balance — “Especially going into the holidays, I find that it’s easy to lose days to errands, decorating, and purchasing presents. I get to the end of the day and feel like it was lost.” API Leader Sonya Feher reminds us to take some down time for ourselves.
If you’re breastfeeding, take advantage — “The holidays can be overwhelming to little ones, so time spent breastfeeding can be like a retreat. It’s a quick and easy way to reconnect and helps restore calm and reduce overstimulation. When I’m nursing, I also get the chance to sit down, put my feet up, and let some other folks do the work for a bit.” Amber encourages breastfeeding mothers to make the most of breastfeeding, both for their children and themselves, during the overstimulating holidays.
Model discipline — “Christmas can be a tricky season as far as discipline goes. There are presents stacked under the tree. There are cookies and sweets everywhere. There is constantly family, noise, and activity. It is very hard to stay disciplined ourselves, and it is the same for our children.” Jasmine reminds us to teach our children through example of how to navigate boundaries during the holidays.
Plan on growth — “I resolve to practice positive discipline, not to spank or use rewards or punishments to coerce behavior.” Never big on making New Year resolutions, Christina explains why she had a change of heart.

What is positive discipline, and why is it important?

From the Attachment Parenting perspective, positive discipline embodies the “golden rule” of parenting — in other words, treat children the way you would want to be treated if you were the child.

Positive discipline is an overarching concept based in the understanding that when a child is treated respectfully within loving, age-appropriate boundaries, he will develop a conscience guided by his own internal discipline and empathy for others.

Positive discipline is rooted in a secure, trusting, and loving relationship between parent and child. With a strong foundation of trust, positive discipline incorporates empathic and respectful strategies that over time will strengthen the connection between parent and child, while harsh or overly punitive discipline weakens the connection.

Using shame, humiliation, guilt, manipulation, coercion, or physical forms of discipline can interfere with the connection between parent and child. Physical forms of discipline have been shown to lead to an increased risk of future antisocial behavior, including crime and substance abuse. Children raised with the fear of being hurt learn to behave positively, because they are in sight of their parents or another authority figure. They may fear punishment, or they may fear a loss of parental love and affection. Although physical discipline and fear may change behavior in the short term, it will not have the desired effects in the long term.

At the heart of positive discipline is a secure attachment relationship with your child. Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Maté write in their book, Hold On to Your Kids, that “for purposes of childrearing, the crowning achievement of a working attachment is to instill in a child the desire to be good” — in other words, they say when a child feels secure in his attachment to his mother and father, he will want to be good, and he will be a child who is easy to parent.

And this is what countless parents who’ve raised children with positive discipline have experienced.

There are many positive discipline strategies, such as redirection and problem-solving and emotion-coaching, but it may be easier to illustrate given a specific situation:

Let’s say you come downstairs to find your toddler drawing a picture on the wall.

You may feel like yelling, or hitting, but instead, try stepping outside of your anger and see the situation through your child’s eyes. She doesn’t recognize that the wall is not the appropriate place to draw. Then, you can begin problem-solving.

Positive discipline doesn’t mean letting your child draw on the wall, but rather setting a firm boundary keeping his development in mind. Perhaps, keep the crayons in a place where he has to ask to get into them. Or only giving drawing an option when you are able to be in the same room. Or, better yet, color with him!

Your child can help you clean up the wall. You can show your child where she can draw. You can tell her that you feel angry but don’t make it her responsibility to make you feel happy. See her part, but also your part, in how the situation came to be, and then model to her how to work together to solve the problem and be more proactive for next time. Consistency is also important.

These is just a few of the options for this specific situation, and parents who use positive discipline all have their own approach to setting boundaries. The more you practice positive discipline, the more natural it feels.

If you’re looking for ideas to get started, here are a few favorite books on positive discipline:

Attached Family: Parenting without shame

Attachment Parenting International (API) is pleased to announce the release of the latest issue of Attached Family: “Parenting Without Shame.”

In this issue of Attached Family, API examines shame versus guilt and how shame contributes to emotional trauma. API looks at the intersection of parenting and shame, keeping in mind that shame is a normal emotional response to certain social situations, but like anger or disappointment, when unresolved, shame can lead to lifelong difficulties.

Inside this issue, you’ll find mind-bending, inspiring, and empowering features to stretch your parenting wings:

“What is Shame?” by API Executive Editor Rita Brhel — defines shame, how it differs from guilt, when it crosses the line to become toxic shame, and what parents need to know
“Core Beliefs Color Your Parenting,” also by Rita Brhel — explains how shame-based core beliefs affect our everyday decisions, including our parenting behaviors
“What Makes Emotional Trauma? Fear, Disconnect and Shame,” an interview with Daniela Sieff, PhD — explores the ingredients to developing a shame-based view of oneself and what is all involved in healing, which certainly underlines the importance of prevention through parenting
“Parenting as a Protest Against Hate” by Lauren Gottschalk-Scher, motherhood fashion designer — looks at how parenting can be activism
“What is Normal, Healthy Infant Sleep?” by API KnowledgeBase Coordinator Art Yuen — discusses what biologically normal sleep in infants, and adults, looks like and the effects that artificial light and work productivity expectations have
“6 Tips to Lessen Separation Anxiety,” also by Art Yuen — looks at goodbye routines and other ideas for children and their parents when separation is necessary, such as for working parents
“Self-Validation Before Self-Control” by Denise Durkin, MA, child mental health consultant — explains how development of a positive self-worth must be in place first before trying to teach a child self-control
“Engagement vs Redirection to Create Emotional Safety,” also by Denise Durkin — describes the differences between these two discipline techniques and why engagement may be the better choice
“11 Ways to Parent Outside the Box” by Brooke Campbell, MA, creative therapist — gives ideas on how to incorporate more attunement in parenting
“How to Heal Attachment with Your Teen” by Shoshana Hayman, Neufeld Institute Faculty — outlines how the teenage years can reveal attachment weaknesses and how to restore a close attachment when necessary.

Shame can be a difficult topic for parents. This issue of Attached Family helps you be able to explore this topic safely. API hopes you take away the idea that parents don’t need to fear shame as a normal emotion, but rather that when shame enters our children’s lives, that Attachment Parenting is exactly how to address it in a healthy way.

Living a life of gratitude, a ‘walking meditation’

I’m trying to learn not to take anything for granted by feeling grateful for the little things of life, by living and appreciating each moment. It’s not easy to do and it takes a diligent and conscious daily effort — similar to meditation.

In mediation, our minds tend to wander. We could call it “monkey mind,” because we are constantly jumping from one thought to another. The act and discipline of meditation is training your mind to refocus on your breathing.

Learning to live a life of gratitude is like a “walking meditation,” being present in the moment, not worrying about the past or the future but really living in the now, feeling intensely grateful for the many blessing we have in our lives.

That doesn’t mean we don’t struggle, that doesn’t mean hurtful things won’t happen, but we can change how we react and perhaps even glean some valuable spiritual lessons.

The holidays always remind us of what is important — our family, our children, the welfare of others, and the beauty of the human spirit. Let’s continue our work together toward a more peaceful and compassionate world by creating peace in our own hearts and families. We may need to forgive ourselves or forgive others in order to begin to move forward. Maybe we need to begin by learning to live a life of gratitude.

May you always stay Attached at the Heart,

Lysa Parker, cofounder of Attachment Parenting International and coauthor of Attached at the Heart

10 favorite photos from API’s Community of Peace

API received amazing contributions to this year’s Attachment Parenting Month Photo Event. Every photo included in this community of peace — in honor of this year’s AP Month theme: “Nurturing Peace: Parenting for World Harmony” — communicated how parents around the world strive to raise their children with peace and harmony.