Alissa – Page 2 – APtly Said

Going Against the Grain: Labor and Delivery

I wrote here about the struggles that arise when your parents disagree with your parenting. The feedback was overwhelming and I have decided to share my own story of going against the grain and my path to attachment parenting. I do this in the hopes that you will take a few minutes to share your stories about overcoming prejudice, digging deep to make wise decisions, and sometimes defending those decisions. In a world where many moms and dads (including me) live far away from most of their extended family, in a world where attachment parenting seems radical, stories and advice from people like you are what inspired me, encouraged me, and ultimately kept me from pulling all my hair out. Let’s collect stories and be a tribe of support and encouragement to one another. (Here is my story of going against the grain during pregnancy.)

Can I just get something of my chest? Going through Labor and Delivery is not the same as going through brain surgery! For brain surgery you need anesthesia, an operating room, IV’s, and monitors. You also need to schedule brain surgery in advance. You do not need anesthesia for Labor and Delivery. You do not need to be in an operating room for Labor and Delivery. You do not need to be hooked up to IV’s and monitors for Labor and Delivery. You do not need to schedule your Labor and Delivery.

Sure, sometimes women make more medicalized choices. I know several Attachment Parenting moms who hate Fetal Heart Rate Monitors and only have periodic monitoring or none at all. I also know Attachment Parenting moms who feel confident knowing (via Fetal Heart Rate Monitors) that baby is doing great and they can just focus on laboring. Women choose hospital births. (I did!) Women choose homebirth. Sure, sometimes interventions are necessary. Inductions (like mine) save mothers and babies from the real risks of eclampsia. Babies lives are literally saved through C-sections. But all these interventions that are necessary for everyone facing brain surgery are not necessary for everyone who is in labor.

My extended family and friends have had a hard time grasping this concept. People thought I was “radical,” “liberal,” even “putting my unborn son in danger” because of my decisions regarding Labor and Delivery. Many people are raised viewing childbirth as a medical event. Many people don’t question something their doctor says is safe.

I was pretty open about my plans and hopes for my labor and delivery. People questioned me, thought I was crazy, didn’t understand. My mom (while I was 8 centimeters dilated and panting through a contraction) raised a fuss because I had chosen to stay in a skirt and tank top instead of put on a hospital gown. So just imagine how she reacted when I was considering a homebirth!

The thing that frustrates me the most are uneducated comments. I can deal with sincere curiosity, incredulity, even open disagreement or the inevitable “Well what if…” questions. But when people just repeat something they’ve heard or learned from a TV show… I find it difficult to stay calm and not let their comments get to me.

How do you walk the line between respectfully educating someone and just letting a lost cause go?

The best advice I received regarding Labor and Delivery came as a question from my husband: “Doesn’t making a birth plan set you up to be disappointed?” My husband and I did make a birth plan together. We researched, talked, argued, agreed, and disagreed. In the end we had a learned a lot about our choices and possible challenges we might face and how we would face them. And then we threw that birth plan away. No really, I didn’t even save a copy of it on my laptop.

This choice has earned me some weird looks even among my Attachment Parenting friends, but going into Labor and Delivery without a specific plan is awesome! I ended up having a completely different birth than I had expected, but I was able to go with the flow and make educated decisions along the way. (If you’re a birth story junkie like me you can read my long and detailed story of my son’s arrival here).

Did you do anything against the grain with your labor and delivery? How did you deal with comments and worries from family and friends? Do you try to educate people about childbirth choices or do you just let it go? Did you have a birth plan? Share your stories in the comments!

Going Against the Grain: Pregnancy

I am a researcher, a soul searcher, and a believer in the power of intuition. My husband teases me that my motto is “If you don’t know, look it up until you do know.” So when I found out I was pregnant, I took one of the Attachment Parenting principles seriously: Become emotionally and physically prepared for pregnancy and birth. Research available options for healthcare providers and birthing environments, and become informed about routine newborn care.

I immediately started doing research, listening to my gut, figuring things out. There are so many decisions to be made when you are expecting! Triple screen or no triple screen? Ultrasound or no ultrasound? Hospital delivery or home delivery? How do I feel about epidurals? How long do I want to labor at home? What if I go past 40 weeks? On and on and on with the questions.

Every woman has to make these decisions for herself. I made these decisions based on research and intuition. A lot of these decisions were the exact opposite of what everyone in my family wanted me to decide. A lot of decisions were scary. Maybe my family is just nuts, but I think everyone’s family is a little nuts. I wanted my family (and close friends) to agree with me. I wanted their admiration and respect. I wanted them to be on board. But in the end I just had to stop listening to everyone and start listening to myself. It was just draining having to defend myself and explain over and over. But I wanted to include my family as much as I could even though they thought I was crazy.

Maybe my process would have been easier if I had more support, if I had been raised in an environment that celebrated birth. But I didn’t have that kind of support.

When I found out I was pregnant I called my mom first. My mother said: “Have you scheduled your C-section yet?” No joke.

When I decided that I didn’t want an epidural my mom said: “Well you just have such low pain tolerance, and really, what’s the point to going through all that pain if you could just have the epidural and relax and watch TV?” (My point is not really about the epidural, I am not violently opposed to epidurals. I just think that when your daughter tells you she’s been doing all this research and has decided that an epidural is not the right choice for her, you should respond with support and encouragement, not try to talk her out of it and undermine her determination.)

When I chose to deliver with a midwife my family thought I was putting my unborn child in grave danger.

I struggled, you guys. I struggled with every little decision that I made. And that was before my little man was even here! In my next post I’m going to talk about my labor and delivery, and the first couple days of Solomon’s life. But for now can we just talk about pregnancy and going against the grain?

I try to think about my kids growing up and having kids. What will be the norm to them? What new history am I writing for them? And that encourages me. You are writing a new history for the next generation. What kind of history are you writing for them? Were some of your decisions during pregnancy difficult to make? Did you feel supported? How did you deal with critics? Do you come from an Attachment Parenting kind of family? We have a lot of wisdom here in the API Speaks readership. Share your wisdom with us!

Alissa writes at A New History where she blogs about the challenge of authentic living with her husband, Levi and her one year old son, Solomon.

Breastfeeding and Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I find myself sort of disappointed in my Facebook friends recently. Many of you may have noticed the barrage of “I like it on…” status updates the past few days. These all seem like sexual innuendos (I like it on the table, etc.) And many of you probably remember back in January when every other woman on Facebook posted the color of her bra as her status.

Both of these memes are supposed to raise awareness for breast cancer. Don’t look at me like that… I don’t get it either. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, so I understand why people are trying to call attention to it, but I just don’t like the way they are doing it.

I have two issues with this. The first is that it excludes men. Men can get breast cancer too! Most men do not wear bras or have purses, so they aren’t included. Men raise money for breast cancer research. They support their wives and mothers and daughters when they battle breast cancer. Rather than posting what color your bra is or where you “like it” why not post something informative like this study which shows that breastfeeding for at least 2 years lowers the typical woman’s breast cancer risk by 50%? Or this study which shows that if you have a family history of breast cancer, breastfeeding for just 3 months can cut your chances of getting breast cancer by 50% and be just as beneficial as taking breast cancer preventing medication for FIVE years? Women AND Men can benefit from information like that. I think a lot of husbands would be more supportive of extended breastfeeding if they knew these facts. And at least for our family, my husband’s support through the rough patches of breastfeeding has been invaluable.

My second issue is the sexual innuendo of the whole thing. You post the color of your bra, and most guys (understandably) have a mental picture of you in that color bra. Or start thinking about bras in general. Which leads to thinking about breasts as sexual. Now, I am not saying that breasts are not sexual, because they definitely can be. I’m just saying that a lot of people who don’t support breastfeeding have hang-ups that involve the sexual nature of breasts. I know men who think breastfeeding is gross because they think it is basically just a sexual act. I know people who think a woman breastfeeding in public is akin to pornography. All of these issues stem from the over-sexualization of breasts. So when one of the best ways to prevent breast cancer is breastfeeding and you are “raising breast cancer awareness” by sexualizing breasts, I just don’t get it. We can support breast cancer awareness AND breastfeeding at the same time at the end the treatments provided by Conners Clinic are a good option but none of us want to get cancer.

I know that breastfeeding is only one facet of the fight against breast cancer, but I think it is a pretty big part. As an attachment mom who believes passionately in the benefits of breastfeeding if possible, I wish we could start a huge Facebook revolution of our own. How many people are you friends with on Facebook? Too many, if you’re like me. Imagine how many people we could inform about breastfeeding and its links to breast cancer prevention if we all changed our statuses to:

I like it when people learn about the link between breastfeeding and a lower breast cancer risk.

I like it when my choice to breastfeed also lowers my risk of breast cancer by 50%

Mine says:

Alissa Smith is sort of tired of the “I like it on” posts for breast cancer awareness. I don’t think sexual innuendos are going to enlighten anyone about it. (And then I commented on my own status with some links to relevant breastfeeding research and the lower breast cancer risk).

Think about it. Think before you post your bra color or where you “like it”. Maybe even change your status to something that will help promote breastfeeding and help fight breast cancer at the same time. Include a link or two to relevant research.

Child Spacing and Attachment Parenting

My son is almost one! Along with all the emotions that go along with my baby getting quantifiably older, a pretty unexpected one is emerging: uncertainty. I am plagued with uncertainty because Sol’s turning one means that soon (hopefully) my cycles will return and we will think about trying to conceive again. Originally we had planned to start trying again right away, but I have all these questions floating around in my head that are making me lean towards waiting awhile. We always planned to be attachment parents, and we always planned to have our children pretty close together (around 2 years spacing). But having been an attachment parent for a year has made me think twice about such a close spacing. Will I be doing my firstborn an injustice by having another baby so soon?

At this point, we would like our family to include 3 or 4 children. This hope is, of course, assuming a lot. We had an easy time getting pregnant with our first, but are trying not to take that for granted. For discussion’s sake let us assume that we are able to conceive fairly easily for all future pregnancies. There are still a lot of pros and cons to consider, some of them compounded by our AP choices.

We practice ecological/on cue breastfeeding. This means I am still up once or twice a night to nurse my son. Right now, this is doable for us. He cosleeps with us, and while I do wake up to nurse, it is pretty easy for the both of us to get back to sleep quickly. What will this be like when I am pregnant? I remember how exhausted I was for the first part of my first pregnancy. How will I deal with that exhaustion and continued night waking? What if my milk supply plummets or changes? Will Solomon stop breastfeeding because of my pregnancy sooner than if I had not been pregnant? I know a lot of women who breastfeed through pregnancy, but I need to consider how I will feel about him weaning when I am pregnant, because it is a definite possibility. What if my cycles don’t come back for a while but we are hoping for a closer spacing of children? Am I willing to night-wean Solomon in an effort to get my cycle back?

We cosleep. How will cosleeping work when I am humongous? When the new baby is born? Will we transition Solomon to his own sleeping space because of the new baby? Should we wait until he is more ready to sleep on his own to consider a second?

We practice positive/gentle discipline. Will I be able to stay relaxed and use a calm tone of voice with Solomon when I have a crying infant who needs me RIGHTNOW! and he has just dumped his yogurt all over me and the couch and the floor? I know quite a few moms who have 2 or 3 closely spaced kids, and it seems that they either yell and lose their temper more often, or they have more patience than I do. Will a bigger spacing between kids mean a happier mommy who doesn’t lose her cool?

We respond sensitively. Right now I feel very in tune with my son. I don’t feel like I am compromising on anything. We have a very trusting and attached relationship. I also feel like the next year or two of development is going to be challenging, and I am going to need a close, aware bond of communication with him. Would it be easier to wait until he is 3 or 4, has learned to use the potty, can talk, can walk to the car instead of being carried, etc. before having Baby #2?

As you can see (if you were patient enough to read through my incessant anxiety) I am starting to consider the benefits of a larger spacing between kids. But I also see benefits of a closer spacing. What do you think? How far apart are your kids? What pros and cons do you see in your parenting ability/style due to you kids ages? What spacing would you prefer/ do you plan to try for?

I am seeing that the timing of a second child is a much bigger decision than I had once thought. A second (or third, or fourth) is going to affect the older siblings. It is going to affect my parenting. It is certainly going to affect the new baby. Maybe I just need to make out a giant pro vs. con list and make some charts…

Alissa writes at A New History where she blogs about the challenge of authentic living with her husband, Levi and her one year old son, Solomon.

When Your Parents Disagree With Your Parenting

I am sure that no matter what parenting style a person chooses, their parents or parents-in-law will disapprove. However, it has been my experience that attachment parenting sometimes gets the least support (and sometime the most upheaval) from the grandparental units.

My grandmother was told that her milk “was just water” and that she would have to formula feed her children. So she did, all 5 of them. And then they grew up and had babies and formula fed them too. Then I came along. I produced the first great-grandchild for my grandparents and the first grandchild for my parents. When we told everyone we were expecting there was undiluted joy. Not that baby is here, 10 months old, and still breastfeeding that joy has been tainted. When my husband, son, and I travel across the country to visit them I am expected to go into the other room to nurse my son (with the door shut and preferably locked). I am expected to tell my smaller cousins that he drinks formula but they can’t help feed him because he will only drink if I hold the bottle in a quiet room. It is assumed that I am weak-willed because the only way a 10 month old would be nursing is if I can’t “make him give it up cold turkey” (the idea that I actually enjoy nursing is totally inconceivable). I have answered the question “Are you ever going to wean him?” so many times that now I just say “I think we might have issues when he goes to college.” I have seriously considered not going home for the holidays this year because I feel like I am defending my decision to breastfeed constantly and not enjoying my family. (I also have to defend my decision not to feed my infant son soda and Oreos, but that’s another post.) Not to mention the last conversation with my mother ended like this:

Her: Are you still nursing my baby?

Me: If by your baby you mean my son, then yes we are still breastfeeding.

Her: Well, he’ll be a year old soon and then you’ll HAVE to stop nursing him.

Me: Why?

Her: Well, you don’t want him to grow up to be a child molester, or gay, or be in therapy for all of his adult life.

Me: Goodbye mother. <click>

It seems sort of unbelievable that people could be against breastfeeding of all things. Doesn’t my mom want the best possible nutrition for her perfect-besides-the-crazy-parents grandson? I can’t even get into the ridiculousness and lack of support surrounding cosleeping and being adamantly against spanking. And all of a sudden my decision to share a beautiful and nurturing experience like breastfeeding with my son has become gossip to my family. They are planning an ‘intervention’ if (and by that I mean when) I continue breastfeeding past his first birthday.

I have no idea how to navigate this minefield. On one hand I want my son to be close with his extended family, but on the other hand I want to just sever contact and not deal with the drama.

I have heard and witnessed many similar situations. Are your parents supportive of your parenting decisions? How do you deal with family who is outspokenly against attachment parenting? What is it about attachment parenting that gets people so worked up?

Alissa writes at A New History where she blogs about the challenge of authentic living with her husband, Levi and 10 month old son, Solomon.

Outdoor Families, Part 1: Hiking with Children

Summer is upon us, folks! Summer in our house is… well, not really spent in the house. We are outside as much as possible and have already gone on several hikes and camping trips. We love reading the posts on campingfunzone.com and try to use what we read on almost every summer trip that we take. This is the first installment in a series of informative posts to help you and your families enjoy the great outdoors safely and stress-free.

Hiking is a great way to get your family outside and enjoying nature (and each other’s company). There isn’t a lot of special equipment involved, and a hike can really be tailored to suit your family’s needs. If you are a novice hiker, plan a short half-mile or mile hike. A shorter hike means you don’t need to carry much with you, and can also help everyone get accustomed to the outdoors. In no time, you’ll be looking for longer hikes and feeling more and more confident in your outdoor abilities.

Something about the fresh air, the lack of distractions, and the exercise just makes hiking a perfect family activity. By taking our kids hiking we are modeling the importance of a healthy body to them. We are telling them that we would rather be in the middle of nowhere with them than at home working on our to-do lists. Kids love hikes, and the memories made on hikes can last a lifetime. There is no reason to sit on a rock or hard wood while you are supposed to be enjoying your life in the outdoors. Camping chairs are now a mainstay in the list of camping equipment you ought to be bringing. Though not a compulsory equipment, camping chairs are a great addition in the name of comfort. Camping chairs should always be found in the campsite as they make things more comfortable, especially when you know that camping should be all about relaxing and forgetting all the stress in the world. You will get know everything about day hiking with camp chair here, do visit. While in night to site around on camping chairs, camp fire adds an extra excitement of the camping. While burning camp fire it is suggested to use the 6mm træpiller, easily available at https://www.xn--dkbrnde-pxa.dk/traepiller/traepiller-6-mm for camping, which is highly recommended for the biofuel as well.

Sol and I on a recent Rocky Mountain hike.

Something so simple can bring siblings closer together, and give parents a much-needed break from the day-to-day. Hiking is very conducive to conversation. Whether you are hiking with a baby and enjoying the time to connect with your partner, or hiking with kids and enjoying the extra opportunity to focus on them, a good hike will foster love and communication. Really take the time on your hike to try to see the world through your child’s eyes.

General tips:

At least in the beginning, hike popular trails. There are definite perks to hiking more solitary places, but until you and your family are comfortable hiking, popular trails are the way to go. Trails that see a lot of traffic are generally nicer. The paths are wider and very easy to follow. If you run into a situation that you are not prepared for you can just stop and wait for another hiker to catch up with you. Popular trails often have dedicated parking, and some even have restrooms nearby.
Take a cell phone. We hike all over the Rocky Mountains in Colorado and have been in very few situations where we did not have cell phone service or could not find service by hiking a little further or backtracking. Just having a phone will give you some peace of mind and let you enjoy your outing.
Take food. Even if you’re only expecting to be gone for an hour, throw a couple protein bars or some nuts in your backpack. Nothing ruins a hike like a hungry kid, and we have never been in a situation where we though “Man, I really wish we hadn’t packed that power bar!”
Hydration is key. Take a little more water than you think you’ll need. Depending on the difficulty of the terrain, the temperature, and the exposure to sunlight adults need to drink around a liter of water an hour or more. Don’t wait until you’re thirsty to drink.
Layers. Unless you are hiking at low elevation and have a lot of faith in the forecast, dress in layers. We’ve been on hikes where we start out in 80-degree sunny weather and then a mountain storm kicks up and we get higher up in elevation and end up hiking in 40-degree rain. You can always take clothes off, but you can’t always add clothes.

Kids:

Whether your kids are walking the whole way or you’re bringing a stroller, go at your child’s pace. If you have to turn around a mile in, don’t worry about it. The point is to enjoy being outside and being together. Be flexible. Make the only definite goal coming home happy and healthy.
Sunscreen: wear it. Make your kids wear it. Reapply halfway. You won’t regret putting on sunscreen, but you may regret not wearing it. Hats and sunglasses are also a good idea.
Snacks: Make sure you pack high protein, high carb snacks for your little ones, and take a break before they start complaining of hunger. Hiking is hard work!
Notice nature: This is a great opportunity for your kids to explore nature. See how many kinds of flowers you can find. Stop to examine any tracks you see. Encourage rock collecting. Answer their questions.
Throw some toilet paper in your backpack along with a plastic bag to keep used toilet paper in. Trust me.
Have a destination. Kids love to hike TO something. So find a good hike to a waterfall, or a cool cave, or a lake.

Babies:

Babies’ needs on a hike are very similar to kids, except that they can’t talk to you. Stop often to check on baby. Check to see if he’s hot or cold and adjust his clothing as necessary.
Breastfeed him or offer him a drink more often than you would at home.
Find a comfortable carrier. While an older infant might walk around and explore a bit, you are going to carry her most of the way. There are many hikes with wide paved trails where you can just bring along the stroller, but for more remote hikes we have found a backpack-type carrier to be indispensable!

Get out there and try a hike with the best hiking boots from Live Your Aloha. Just commit a Saturday morning, do a little research, and go! Happy trails!

Take Ten: How 10 minutes can make you a better parent.

As a mother who is tuned in to her baby’s or child’s needs, and seeks to meet those needs in a prompt and loving manner, it is easy to put yourself last. Raising a child is an act of devotion, and it is so common to forget that taking care of yourself is an important step in nurturing your children. Stress, tension, and lack of focus can make mothering to your best potential a difficult task. It is essential to take time to relax and refresh. After pouring our hearts, souls, time, and patience into little ones we all deserve a nice hour-long massage and an uninterrupted four-hour nap. For most of us, there just isn’t time or resources to enjoy these kinds of relaxation. But these ten mini-refreshers can help you stay grounded, focused, and refreshed so that you can parent at your best. I know how important downtime is to a parent, so you’ll pleased to know that these refreshers are broken down into manageable 10 minute sessions (leaving plenty of time to attend to laundry, cleaning, and your to-do list). Every mom or dad can find 10 minutes in his or her day. Especially when my son was a newborn, my husband was hungry for opportunities to help out. So the next time your kids are at school, or napping, or your partner is available for 10 minutes, try one of these stress-busters. Continue reading “Take Ten: How 10 minutes can make you a better parent.”