I have two children, a four-year-old boy and a two-year-old girl. They have vastly different personalities, and I’ve had to tailor my parenting to address those differences. My son is energetic, independent and fearless, he is a picky eater, and even as a young baby, he didn’t sleep a lot. My daughter is more reserved and cautious, she sleeps and eats well, and she’s quieter.
The differences between them are most apparent when it comes to discipline.
When my son was two, a timeout was effective form of discipline for him. He’s the kind of kid you needed to physically pull away from sticking his fingers in the electrical socket because he wouldn’t listen any other way. A timeout is still a part of my discipline repertoire for him, and part of the reason it is such a punishment is because he has to stop playing, leave his toys and be by himself sitting on his bed. 99% of the time, he comes out a few minutes later, all apologetic and hugs me and says he won’t do whatever it was he did. Now that he is four, disciplining him continues to be a more “hands-on” approach. We don’t spank our children, but I do have to take his hands, and have him look me in the face, so I have his full attention.
With my daughter, all I have to usually do is look at her and shake my head and she stops whatever it is. Furthermore, I rarely have to correct her for the same thing more than once or twice. She’s the kind of child who needs a reminder before someone is getting ready to leave. She doesn’t handle abruptness well, and she doesn’t handle separation well unless she’s been prepared. So sticking her in a time out, by herself, is more damaging to her. Raising my voice isn’t an option either, because it startles her and she cries. Discipline shouldn’t be traumatic, it should be fair and gentle and respectful.
For my sensitive child, some tactics that have worked are:
Redirection: Since she is only two, sometimes it’s not worth it to battle over every little thing. Quite often, distracting her with a toy or a sticker is an easy way to end the tantrum. This is particularly effective when she is doing something like trying to pet our grouchy cat or when she’s frustrated.
Time Out (On My Lap): As I mentioned, a time out, alone in her room, is too harsh of a punishment for her, but removing her from the situation and giving her a few minutes of sitting quietly on my lap has worked wonders.
Acknowledge The Validity Of Her Feelings: It’s hard to be two and not have the language skills to adequately express emotions. So while it can be hard for me to listen to her cry or scream or whine, it’s helpful for me to remember that sometimes I feel like crying and screaming too. I just don’t, because I’m an adult, and my daughter’s reaction to frustrating circumstances is completely age appropriate.
Ignore The Noise: I’m a mom, but I’ve also spent the last 15 years working with dogs. So I’m very good at tuning out annoying noise. And when applied to my children, I’ve learned that I don’t need to step in every time. If my children are having a disagreement over a toy, sometimes I stand back and let them try to work it out themselves. If my daughter is screeching because she wants a cup of milk, I simply say, “I need you to talk nicer, I can’t understand screaming,” and then ignore her until she calms down.
Making sure that my methods of discipline are appropriate for the personality of my children has worked wonderfully, and our home is much more peaceful.
Do you have a sensitive child? What method of discipline have you found effective?
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My 7 yo son is highly sensitive, whereas his younger sister most definitely is not! With my son, a look or a glance has always been the best for of discipline with him. He was honestly never a discipline problem!
With my daughter, I had to learn completely new tactics! She requires a more hands-on approach and constantly “testing the boundaries” so to speak.
A book I found extremely helpful with my son is called “The Highly Sensitive Child” by Elise Aron. There is a website at http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm
Very insightful post. We have a 2 1/2 year old boy/girl twins, and we are struggling with this issue right now.
Both my son and daughter are “free spirits”; my son is a little more sensitive than my daughter. So I get tough on him only when he would not listen at all or when my efforts to redirect him fail.
I am realizing that having them stop and look me in the eye and asking them what is wrong works well when they are throwing a tantrum. If it is a small thing, I don’t sweat over it. But if it involves their safety, I have to pull them back and move them to a different place. We rarely use time out as a punishment. I think acknowledging their feelings, constant encouragement and negotiation is the first line of defense. Of course it takes a lot of energy from us!
Cheers
My son is also very sensitive. A time out would break his heart. So often for us, discipline involves realizing what circumstances are triggering certain behaviors in our son. We recently were having issues because he kept wanting to crawl out of bed after we’d gone through the whole bedtime routine. He was asking to go downstairs for yogurt or to read more stories or just wanting to get up and run. I realized that though I was feeling impatient and looking at the clock, he was enjoying the time with mom and dad giving him their undivided attention. And he can’t tell time. So, as with many of the issues we’ve noticed with him, I realized we needed to talk through transitions and explain what was going to happen ahead of time. So, for the last few days, I have explained that once we go upstairs we don’t go back down for any more food, so he needs to be sure he’s done eating before bedtime. Then, even though he doesn’t know how to count, I explain that we’re going to read three books, then he’ll have some milk, then go to sleep. After each book, I remind him we only have two or one left to go, then milk, then sleep. He gets it. He’s stopped fighting bedtime because he actually knows what the plan is.
My favorite discipline book is Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen. He offers many strategies for parenting that is respectful of children and discipline that is both gentle and positive, including time-ins, a practice I hadn’t heard about before reading his book.
My 5 1/2 year old daughter is highly sensitive and it is to where she is still emotionally and socially 2 1/2 which is hard to deal with. I have 3 other children who are so completly different from her. I have a hard time dealing with her because she is so smart and so whiney and unable to cope with things. It seems as though anything that i do for her does not work and i am at a lose about what to do.
My 3 yr old girl is very sensitive to noise and whiney and has a hard time coping, but like Danielle’s girl, my girl is SMART. Learning AP ways has helped ALOT! I’m still learning though…
Danielle, I hope you find some help. I know how frustrating it can be! Hang in there!
My daughter is 2, and I’ve found that, for her, time outs are mostly useless, since she happily finds something fun to do and doesn’t realize it’s a punishment. When we do time outs now, it’s mostly for severe actions, such as hitting or pushing, and I carry her away, sometimes going home, if the behavior has been admonished already that visit.
For her tantrums, I tell her that I understand what she wants, using Karvey Karp’s “Happiest Toddler on the Block” tips, and say that I’m turning off my listening ears until she finds her nice voice/nice words. If she’s more sad than angry, I tell her I understand how she feels by naming her emotion (You’re so sad! Sad sad sad!) and when she calms down, I reiterate what she wanted. If that doesn’t re-upset her (if it does, we go back to the ‘sad sad sad’ part) then I know she’s calm enough to understand when I explain why she can’t have what she wants, or agree that it’s hard to share/wait/not get something/etc.
I tried something similar when she was angry, but all it did was put words in her mouth. I’d say ‘You’re so mad! Mad mad! You want a cookie! You want a cookie right now! You asked with your nice voice! But it’s dinner time! We can have a cookie after.’ but my little smart ass went from ‘I need a cookie’ to ‘I need a cookie RIGHT NOW!’ She uses my tools against me!
I also sometimes ask her to use her words to tell me what’s wrong, but in a gentle voice, and let her know I’m listening when she can calm down enough to tell me. It kind of depends on where we are (in public? At home? A friend’s?) or what her episode is (angry because I’m not getting the boobies into bed fast enough? screaming because someone looked at her toy? crying from a minor booboo? sad that her little beetle finally escaped her clutches?)
We’ve gotten to the point where the few times she DOESN’T flip out in a situation where she normally would, I can praise her, since it’s so rare. “Good job taking turns on the slide! Sometimes other kids get pushy, and I know that upsets you, so next time let him go ahead, or slide faster to get away from him! But you did SO GOOD when you waited for the other kid to move away from the bottom!” (Most any playground toy, if someone else tries to get on it, she either sits there screeching that it’s her turn, or comes crying to me. *sigh.*)