Category: APtly Said

AP and Grandparents

We moved to another country when I was 6 months pregnant. Leaving all our extended families back home, they weren’t quite aware of our parenting choices.

We had decided to co-sleep with our daughter so we didn’t buy a crib/cot for her. During the early weeks, my mom was quite anxious that we might roll over her. As weeks passed she would ask me, again and again, when we would buy a bed for her. I explained her that we loved her being with us in the bed and they shouldn’t worry. Above the safety measures, they were also worried that she wouldn’t leave our bed once she got used to sleeping there.

We had the chance to go back home when our daughter was 4 months old. During this holiday, mom saw first-hand that co-sleeping was perfectly safe and it was lovely having your newborn beside you. It also made night time feeding easy for us.

Once our baby was 6 months old, she began to ask when we would start her offering solids. My daughter was not interested yet. But mom and grandma were very concerned. They’d ask me every time, as if I was depriving her of food. I’d tell them that, during the first year, solids are only for fun and tasting. As long as the baby is breastfeeding and gaining weight, there’s no need to worry.
During our visits to home, they had the chance to observe our child and our practices.

My mom loved wearing her first and only granddaughter and taking her on walks. We talked a lot about attachment parenting, about why we have to fulfill our little one’s needs during their childhood and how such children turn into well adjusted adults. We talked about extended breastfeeding and why we had the intention of co-sleeping until our daughter feels ready to move to her own bed. I’m very happy that she understands it all and has become very supportive.

Recently mom told me that my cousin and her wife decided to let their baby cry-it-out. Hearing this broke my heart, but after all, everyone has their own parenting choices and unfortunately there wasn’t much to do.

Last week, as I was speaking with my sister (she’s expecting her 1st baby, due in November), she told me that mom had told her to make a decision about the baby’s sleep arrangements. She added that deciding where the baby would be sleeping was very important, as any change to that affected the baby badly. I was glad to hear that she mentioned the family bed, and that she has normalised this in her head.

Now, if only she doesn’t ask me repeatedly when we would wean Defne now that she’s 18 months old!

Moving House

Over the last few weeks, the Half Pint Pixie household has been busy moving house and settling into our new home, thankfully we’ve had help from the brisbane removalists. During this time, Littlepixie has taken quite a stretch both physically and developmentally. She has so many words now, only yesterday she ran out into the garden, then promptly ran back to the path exclaiming “grass cold”, yes Irish summers are amazing, cold wet grass is quite normal!

I do, however, have a point to my little tale of moving house, and it is this, I really think that out of all of us Littlepixie found the move the easiest as we also went as far as looking solutions online on how to get rid of fleas so the moving will be comfortable and nice. I think our parenting style had a lot to do with that. By listening to her, watching her reactions and respecting her little self, we could see things from her point of view.

Sometimes that meant one of us taking her off to play elsewhere, other times it was an acrobatic nursing session on the floor surrounded by bubblewrap and newspaper and frequently it was as simple as popping her up into a sling to watch all the action.

She was a little distressed to see all the boxes getting packed, so we made her an area where she could safely climb on the packed boxes, et voila, an instant adventure play centre!

The day of the move, Mr. HPP went ahead with the movers to take out his pool table, actually he found a great Pool Table Removals that did all the work for him, and then  set up our bed in our new bedroom. But before that, the wise thing he did was to apply for a u.s. mail address change, because he knew that the process was lengthy. When myself and LP followed later we showed her our big family bed with the familiar blankets and we all sat on it and played games for a while. Then she was happy to see the rest of her new house.

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After a full day of exploring and moving houses with the house movers, LP slept soundly that night, and why wouldn’t she? New house, but mama and dada were still there beside her at bedtime. Even though so much was different, she knew the important things were still the same.

Since we’ve moved there are days when LP goes through little periods of needing to be held more. I’m sure many people would dismiss this as a clingy phase, but I think she just likes to know that all is still safe in her little world even though the wider world around her looks all different. f you are looking for a cheap man and van company in London to help collect, deliver or move items in and around London then look no further! We have a fleet of man with a van drivers waiting for your call. We have a range of different size vans and a fleet of van drivers to give you the right solution for your needs. We can supply helpers as well as the van and driver and we can load and unload your belongings. We are happy to move single items or complete home / office moves and are thankful to the LA Movers  who helped us alot in moving, we are really grateful we hire them.

So we hold her more, we leave the buggy at home and I take her to the shops on my back. We hang out the laundry while she sits in the ring sling. We walk around the house and back garden while she sits in a hip carry, latched on and drinking her milkies.

She’s only small and she derives so much security from being close to us, I know that while she’s snuggled close to me or Mr. HPP she can observe the world and formulate her plans for exploring it in a few minutes time, but for a few moments she can just snuggle there in the sling, all cosy and safe.

So what I’m trying to say is that while moving house is supposedly one of the most stressful life events ever, it’s a lot easier if you’re a cosleeping, nursing, slinging toddler, even if your new garden has cold wet grass in the middle of summer!

Now would anyone like to call around and unpack some boxes for us?

Babies in the Workplace

One of the first questions expecting mothers get when sharing their good news (after “Is it a boy or a girl?”) is, in my experience, are you going back to work? It’s a tough question. It’s a loaded question. And now, thanks to Carla Moquin of the Parenting in the Workplace Institute, it’s a question that can be rephrased:

Are you taking baby to work with you?

Out of financial necessity, Carla had to make the unexpected choice to return to the workforce four weeks after the birth of her second daughter. Years later, she runs the Parenting in the Workplace Institute, has written both an ebook titled Babies at Work: Bringing New Life to the Workplace, and just released a how-to guide for parents and companies interested in implementing a babies in the workplace program.

I spoke with Carla last week about the great potential these types of programs have for fostering community and providing parents who choose to return to work with options beyond traditional daycare.
Continue reading “Babies in the Workplace”

Parenting Courage

Becoming a parent makes us part of one of the world’s largest fraternities. Suddenly, we have something in common with most of the adults we ever meet, which can be a wonderful way to establish bonds with a wide range of people.

The potential down side is that since so many people have experience as parents, they often also have advice and opinions for us. Of course, many times more experienced parents may have valuable insights, reassurance, and support to offer. But we are often also faced with suggestions that aren’t in line with our values and beliefs.

It is especially difficult to maintain the courage of our convictions when something we are doing as parents doesn’t appear to be working. Perhaps the early days of nursing have been painful and frustrating, or we are exhausted because our baby is waking up every hour during the night. When someone suggests giving the baby a bottle, or letting him cry for a while to see if he’ll settle down, it can be harder to stick with our personal ideal of exclusive nursing or being responsive to our baby’s cries because the course we’ve laid out for ourselves isn’t going as smoothly as we’d like.

In cases like this, we need to remember that parenting is really about long-term goals. It’s about who our children turn out to be when they’re 30, not about how easy they make our lives today. As attachment parents, we believe that the relationship we have with our children is critical to this objective, and we choose not to use parenting techniques that might damage that relationship — even when it might be more convenient, easier, or more in line with the views of others.

One of the big challenges I’ve been facing in my own parenting is dealing with my 18-month-old son’s hair pulling, biting, shoving, and hitting. He’s been a hair puller for about a year. I’ve intervened every single time. I’ve told him at least a thousand times that hair pulling hurts, and that it’s not OK to hurt people. I’ve tried everything I could think of to change the behavior.

I’m pretty sure my mother-in-law thinks I should spank him, though she has too strong a sense of boundaries about what it’s appropriate to say to her daughter-in-law to actually say so. This idea, and other parenting techniques I wouldn’t normally engage in, are a lot more tempting precisely because what I’m doing now doesn’t appear to be working.

In the end, I have realized that this is a behavior I cannot change. My son can change it — when he acquires enough impulse control. But right now, I know he doesn’t have it. If there’s something he wants to do badly enough, he’ll do it even though he got hurt the last time he tried it, and the time before, and the time before that…

And so, I know that my job right now is to respond to this situation in a way that minimizes his ability to hurt other people, makes clear that the behavior is not acceptable, and teaches him skills he will some day (soon, I hope!) be able to use instead of hurting people. In the mean time, I need to maintain my commitment to positive discipline, irrespective of conflicting advice I may receive from the vast fraternity of parents.

A Balancing Act

In talking to parents, especially mothers, in the 6 ½ years that I’ve been a mother, I’ve learned that the hardest thing many parents face is finding time to oneself. This is definitely the thing I struggle with the most. Everybody in the family has needs which must be met, and as attachment parents, we realize the vital importance of meeting our children’s needs. Unfortunately for me, a casualty is often my needs. API even lists Strive for Balance in your Personal and Family Life as a Principle, but that has continually been my hardest item to meet, especially in regards to my own need to rejuvenate.

I’ve tried many things to get a few hours to myself every week. I’ve read books in a local sandwich shop. I’ve gone to the mall. My husband would even take the kids to the zoo on the weekend so I could get a few hours to sit and veg. However, none of those hit the nail on the head for me. Nothing met my needs.

But then a few years ago I hit upon something that met my need for alone time out of the house as well as the added benefit of exercise. I started walking. As soon as my husband came home from work, I’d head out the door, sneakers on my feet and mp3 player in my pocket. It’s a routine that still continues today.

My walks last about 35 minutes, and I go seven days a week, weather permitting. I really look forward to this time every day, I love that I’m able to exercise, and as a very non-athletically-gifted person, walking is about the extent of my coordination skills! I love that I get time to wind down at the end of the day, and the fact that I get to listen to my very favorite podcasts uninterrupted is the icing on the cake.

My children are ages six and three, and it took me four years to discover this way to rejuvenate my soul. What do you all do? How much time do you need for yourself, and how do you find it?

Role Model Parenting

This summer marks my 20th anniversary of parenting. Right this moment, my 4-month-old daughter is nursing in the sling strapped to my chest. My (almost) 14-year-old daughter is stomping noisily up the stairs in protest after having some kind of disagreement with her 5-year-old sister about the last dish of mac & cheese. My 19-year-old son is throwing a load of laundry into the washer. This is my life: a bit chaotic, a tad overwhelming, and completely filled with people I adore. I’m not sure if I accurately recall my life before I started my journey into parenthood two decades ago. Those childless years of my life must not have been very important to me since I have so many rich, vivid and love-filled memories of my life since then. I wouldn’t trade the life I have now, even if I could remember why I would want to. Each of my children has presented unique challenges, and have provided unparalleled joys.

I certainly did not begin this journey into parenthood with the AP Principles conveniently written down for me. I could not have found them online (yeah, that’s right, I parented for almost 11 years without the infinite wisdom of the Internet! Gasp!) I had the standard parenting library of the time: Dr. Spock, T. Barry Brazleton, and Penelope Leach. My parenting bible was LLL’s The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding which I turned to for all things breastfeeding and non-breastfeeding alike. I felt I was doing the best that I could with the tools that I had. Judging from the results, my instincts weren’t too bad. I look at the two teens who live in my house, eat all of the food, and call me mom, and what I see (most of the time) are helpful, spirited, creative, compassionate, respectful people.

I sometimes worry that my older children missed out on the benefits of Attachment Parenting because I did not have access to all of the information that I have now. Looking back I can see that I did okay. I wore them in backpacks and carriers whenever possible. I certainly thought of them as complete, conscious humans right from the start. I breastfed despite facing downright disapproval from many of the so-called parenting authorities in my community at the time. I often told people that they were sleeping through the night in their own cribs, when they were, in fact, in my bed nursing all night long.

My first born is about to be unleashed into the world when he goes off to college this fall. In addition to most of his possessions, all of our mismatched towels, and a crate of Ramen Noodles, he will also be taking along 14 years of big brother experience; 14 years of living in a family where healthy pregnancy, normal childbirth, and extended breastfeeding were modeled for him as each of his little sisters were welcomed into the world. He doesn’t run away or apologize for coming into the room while I am nursing. He sees my husband being a supportive and loving father. I have no doubt that someday he will take all of these examples and create his own parenting philosophies. My (almost) 14-year old daughter was the photographer for our recent homebirth and is super excited about finally being allowed to have a sling of her own to wear the baby in. I am confident that she will make loving, informed parenting choices for the rest of her life. Getting kids to accept your quirky parenting stuff when they are very young is a given–they love you and think you are the sun, the moon, and the stars. Pulling it off when they are in the midst of high school, hormones, dating, punk music, and Nietzsche, is a whole different story.

So even though I might not necessarily have been the ideal Attachment Parent when they were babies, I certainly have given my older children a gift I consider to be equally valuable: an example of parenting their little sisters that they will always remember and that I am proud to have modeled for them. My son won’t have to rely on vague, hazy memories of his youngest siblings nursing when it comes time to support his future wife and baby on their breastfeeding journey: he has never known any other way for babies to be fed. My daughter will never fear the unknown, or need to hear me reminisce over photographs of her own birth to feel confident when it comes time to give birth to her own babies: she has seen the power of birth up close and in person. They have been here every step of the way and have been involved in the process of learning and growing right alongside of me. Despite all of these wonderful examples, I trust that they will give me a few more years before I have to become an Attachment Grandparent, though!

Justine

Positive Discipline-Need Ideas

By Heather (A Mama’s Blog)

I thought having a second child would not be as hard as having one. After all, I had already been through it once, how much harder could a second child be?

I found out within hours of Cole’s birth (my second child) that having a second child does not mean he or she will be like your first child. In fact, in some ways it is harder. Instinctively, you seem to do what worked for your first child, with your second child. Sometimes you are lucky and it works- but in my case, it seems more often than not, what methods worked for my first child, Ryan, do not even come close to working for Cole.

So many times I have not felt like an experienced mother with Cole. I feel like I am a first-time mother again, figuring it all out. At times it does feel harder, because I try to use something on Cole that worked with Ryan, and it backfires- and then I am back at square one, and wondering why my techniques that worked so great with Ryan do not have the same outcomes with Cole.

Of course I know Cole is not Ryan and is a totally different person. It makes sense that the same techniques do not and should not work the same on two different children. But, that doesn’t make me wish they would at times.

A big issue we are facing right now with Cole is positive discipline. The methods we used with Ryan worked instantly and effectively. However, Cole laughs at us when we try to correct him and ends up hitting or biting us.

I think some of this is just his general frustrations in not being able to speak fully yet. Like most two-year olds, he has some vocabulary, but can’t fully communicate his feelings or thoughts yet. I know when he is mad, instead of communicating his feelings (because he can’t,) his first impulse is to hit, or bite, or yell.

We have tried almost everything we can think of from talking to him, holding him, diverting his attention elsewhere, to removing him from the situation, in hopes of trying to have him to stop biting and hitting, but he always ends up laughing, and at the very next episode, he does the undesirable behavior again. He really only does this when we tell him he can’t be doing something- like pinching his brother or running dangerously close to the street. Naturally, nothing that worked with Ryan in these situations is working on Cole.

So, I am hoping that some of you may have some suggestions for us to try. Ryan was never a hitter or a bitter, so we really are at square one with this. I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas, so we can guide Cole and help him to understand that he can’t bite or hit, while still using gentle and respectful discipline with him.