Rita Brhel – Page 22

Reflection on How Couplehood Changes with Kids

It’s 11 at night and I’m preparing for a rare evening with my husband. He’s coming home from a four-hour round trip to pick up a bale of hay for our goats and sheep, and called to say he was stopping to pick up a pizza. I’ve got one kid in bed and the other sleeping on the couch.

I almost don’t know what to do with myself. Do I dare say I’m a little nervous? Except for an occasional dinner out for a birthday or anniversary, my husband and I are surrounded by children every evening – for the past nearly four years. By the end of the evening, we flop into bed exhausted with at least one child sleeping in the middle.

I remember, before having kids, how my husband and I would curl up with one another at night. I would usually lay my head on his chest, and he would curve an arm around my shoulders, and we’d sleep snuggled together. Now, my arms are usually wrapped around a toddler who is separating me from my husband. Our bed seems to be divided into two; in fact, we each have our own sets of blankets now.
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Welcome, Cosleeping Crib-Sleepers!

Many of us attached parents understand what it’s like to feel ostracized for our choice in parenting practices. We’re tired of the looks and comments about giving birth without drugs, breastfeeding beyond six months, holding our babies all the time, disciplining without empty_crib punishing, forgoing a career to stay at home, and taking the time to soothe our night-waking children back to sleep. Attachment Parenting would be great except for that whole bit of dealing with the judgment of our family and friends, not to mention complete strangers.

Which is why I want to call attention to what is happening in our AP community: As much as we try to be welcoming to every AP parent, there is still judgment passed among us – the woman whose birth ended in a Cesarean, the mother who cannot breastfeed, the father who came to AP later and with a history of spanking, the lower-income families in which both parents must work, the parents who do not take their baby to bed with them, and so on.
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How Do Your Kids Play?

Some of my favorite memories growing up were pretending and playing with my sisters and brother. Sometimes, we were inside playing with dolls, toy horses, or little ceramic animals – with each, playing out their family lives and school days. Sometimes, we were outside building forts in the hay barn or pretending we were part of a tribe of 19th Century Native Americans down in the pasture by the creek.

I don’t have a lot of memories of playing with either of my parents when I was younger. My mom liked to have tickle fights on occasion, and my dad would let us pretend he was a horse sometimes, but for the most part, their part in our play was to gave us the resources – and encourage the imagination – to allow us to come up with our own play games.

For example, I remember getting a toy tractor, a grain wagon and some running shoes (which I later learnt from shoe hero, were expensive for a kid) for a birthday one year. My mom had built a red- and white-painted barn out of wood, brought in a cup of corn, and showed me how to load up the toy wagon with corn and pull it behind the tractor to the animals in the barn. I had a lot of fun with that. I also fondly remember a playhouse my dad built for us and how my mom showed me how to pretend to cook the leaves of mallow weeds. I would spend hours picking mallow and shredding the leaves to make a salad to be enjoyed by my sister who would pretend to eat it.
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What Does ‘Family’ Look Like?

What is a family? It used to be that when you looked up “family” in the dictionary, it said something to the effect of “a group of people living together in the same house consisting of a married mother and father and their children.” This is an inadequate description of today’s family, which can include almost any combination of individuals whether they live under one roof or not, or are even related by blood.

One thing should have remained the same through the years, though: that a family consists of a group of people who have a close attachment bond with one another. But, we know that’s not always the case. Some families in our society really struggle with the concept of attachment. Even if not overt abuse, there are parents and children who feel divided from one another – it’s hard to put into words the dangers of this disconnection, but we all inherently understand why it’s so important to maintain our attachment bonds with our children and spouses. That’s why Attachment Parenting International exists – to bring families back to their roots, to the basis of what really makes a family a family: not blood, not obligation, but a shared close emotional connection with each other. And how do we get there? Through the Eight Principles of Parenting, of course.

But, what does it look like when we get there – to that point when a family becomes an attached family? How do we illustrate to families what we mean when we say “connected”? What picture do you have in mind when you think of “family”?
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Keeping Balance with a Natural Life

For many AP families, green living, natural parenting, and life learning are more than a fad – they represent a lifestyle that endures even when mainstream society doesn’t find “going green” to be so popular. Like Attachment Parenting, the benefit of natural living is best achieved when practiced consistently. Planning for an adventure, here we are with our custom safaris just combining your ideas and our years of planning expertise will give a unforgettable experience with the luxury African safari and much more to your way.

Where does this fit into Attachment Parenting International’s Eight Principles of Parenting? For those families who choose to live naturally – certainly not a requirement, mind you – they find it helps them particularly keep with the Eighth Principle, that of striving for personal and family balance. You feel better about yourself when you know your impact on the earth and the people around you is a positive one.

Natural Life magazine is a great resource for AP families looking at a lifestyle that is supportive of their childrearing choices. Some of the articles you can read are about going solar, organic food, gardening, relocating with a green attitude, and learning for the sake of knowledge. In the March/April 2009 issue of Natural Life, I read an interesting article about raising eco-conscious kids. Author Alison Bayne gave these tips for parents:
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AP Picture Books Make Great Holiday Presents

Wondering what to give your young children this holiday season that’ll be both fun and meaningful? Every kid loves a colorful picture book with a fun narration they can relate to, but so many children’s books depict non-AP scenes and situations – like a baby happily falling asleep in a crib or a four-year-old receiving a punitive timeout at preschool – that leave us parents scratching our heads and trying to explain why our families are different.

Many of you have written in to Attachment Parenting International’s The Attached Family magazine seeking recommendations of a few fabulous children’s books for AP families. Well, we’ve selected some of our favorites this year:

- The Warmest Place of All by Licia Rando, illustrated by Anne Jewett – there are a lot of warm places when Sophie comes in from playing outside in the snow, but none gives lasting warmth like a snuggle with her parents in their big bed. API members can check out an interview with Licia on The Attached Family online. Use the username/password sent to you via e-mail recently, or in the table of contents of the Summer 2009 issue of The Attached Family magazine, to access the website.

- Play with Me by Michael Elsohn Ross, illustrated by Julie Downing – All kinds of mommies and daddies play with their babies, from cats and dogs to even humans!

- Asi Me Siento Yo by Janan Cain, translated by Yanitzia Canetti – the Spanish version of The Way I Feel, you don’t even need to know Spanish to read this book! Illustrations and colors match every emotion so well that even small children can begin to learn how to label what they’re feeling.

A Gift for Baby/Un Regalo para Bebe by Jan Hunt, illustrated by Sunny Rosanbalm – the bilingual English-Spanish version, this book offers the same support as the original to an expanded audience of conscious parents. In the same vein as Licia’s new-release, Jan’s book follows along as Baby tries to guess what special gift is the big box – and it’s just what he wanted: Mommy!

We would be remiss, though, if we didn’t mention something about all the wonderful books over at Platypus Media – a publishing company started by AP mom Dia Michels, who isn’t shy about distributing books depicting babies breastfeeding and being worn in slings, and children cosleeping. For a limited time, you can Get Your Coupon Codes and all children’s titles are on sale for only $5 a piece (use the coupon code AB5); or $3 a piece for orders of 100 or more copies (use coupon code AB3). Some of their books you might find fun to read to your child are:

If My Mom Were a Platypus – available in English and Hebrew, this book explores how 14 different animals eat, sleep, and learn.
Come Home Soon, Baby Brother! – a must-read coloring book for siblings of a baby in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.
Look What I See! Where Can I Be? In the Neighborhood – see the daily routines of one AP family.
I Was Born to be a Brother and I Was Born to be a Sister – with narration and sing-along songs, both CDs are good for siblings anticipating the birth of a new baby in the family.

Of course, there are more AP books available in the publishing world. What books has your family found that are both representative of AP and that your kids love?

The Bedtime Challenge

This week on The Attached Family online, fellow API Speaks blogger and API leader for South Austin, Texas, USA, Sonya Fehér, reveals to API members her efforts in diffusing strong emotions surrounding one of the most challenges parts of parenting – AP or not: bedtime!

Sonya takes readers in her journey from toddler bedtime battles to nighttime parenting, with the help of a book by Lawrence Cohen, the recognition of her own need for balance, and compassion for her son’s need for a bedtime routine that fosters close connection.

Read the article, “The Bedtime Challenge.” Access to The Attached Family online – the online extension of API’s quarterly print magazine – is a benefit of membership to API. Find login information on the Table of Contents page of the Summer 2009 “Feeding Our Children” issue of the magazine, or if you’ve joined recently, contact memberships [AT] attachmentparenting [DOT] org for more information. Not yet a member? Take advantage of our current membership special.

Gift-Giving from the Heart and Hands, Not the Wallet

This week on The Attached Family online, Attachment Parenting International members can read the debut of the “Professional Parenting” series, a column written by Judy Arnall, Canadian mother of five and author of the widely acclaimed Discipline without Distress – you should see my well-worn copy of the book that gives parents real tried-and-true discipline techniques without resorting to spanking, yelling, or the infamous timeout.

This first column of Judy’s, “Gift-Giving from the Heart and Hands, Not the Wallet,” is so timely as the biggest shopping day of the year arrives the Friday following the American Thanksgiving Day…and another season of holiday gift-giving will soon commence as soon as we’ve all finished our turkey and pumpkin pie. Thing is, well, this recession we’re in…I can tell the economy is better than it was a year ago when announcements of job layoffs and company bankruptcies clogged the television news hours, but you know, it’s not to the point where many of us are willing to spend freely on non-essential living expenses. My family included, certainly.

In her column, Judy gives a long, long list of wonderful ideas for gifts that toddlers, preschoolers, older children, teens, and even parents can make themselves – with more heart than opening up the wallet. Let me tell you of some of my favorites:

For toddlers…plant seeds indoors in clay pots, decorate the clay pots, and the flowers will bloom by spring. What a great idea!
For preschoolers…make a batch of cookie dough and give it with a set of cookie cutters, oven mitts, and a pan. Genius!
For older children and teens…now this list is basically endless but includes a variety of arts and crafts that, with a child’s natural creativity, could turn out just as good as anything you’d find in a store.

Read the whole list: Gift-Giving from the Heart and Hands, Not the Wallet. Access to The Attached Family online – the online extension of API’s quarterly print magazine – is a benefit of membership to API. Find login information on the Table of Contents page of the Summer 2009 “Feeding Our Children” issue of the magazine, or if you’ve joined recently, contact memberships [AT] attachmentparenting [DOT] org for more information. Not yet a member? Take advantage of our current membership special.

What else is being talked about this week’s The Attached Family online articles?

Marian Tompson, co-founder of La Leche League International, discusses breastfeeding and HIV/AIDS in an interview about the AnotherLook nonprofit organization.
Riet van Rooij, author and mother of two in the Netherlands, opens up about her book, Pregnant with Heart and Soul, now translated into English and German.