Originally posted June 24, 2006, when my son was 4 and my daughter was 16 months.
My kids usually get along quite well. They have their moments of course, as all siblings do, but I’m amazed my son has the patience he does, what with his little sister messing up his cars and his toys and scattering his stuff all over. So, when my son says that he needs time to himself away from her, I respect his wishes.
My son has a long blue, nylon tunnel that he enjoys. He likes to set it up in the living room so he and his sister can crawl through it, and they usually have a grand time. As she has always been allowed in the tunnel, my daughter just naturally assumes that if it’s set up, she’s allowed to enter. However on Friday morning, tensions were running high between the kids for various reasons, and my son, furious at his sister, decided that he wanted her to stay out of the tunnel. So he devised a plan.
He made a sign that had a picture of his sister with a red line through it, which was to indicate “Sister not allowed!” I helped him to tape it to the tunnel, but I told him that sister may not understand the sign, so we need to explain to her what it means. He showed her the sign, and told her that the sign meant she was not supposed to go into the tunnel. My son then crawled into the tunnel in a huff, relieved to be away from his sister.
To help my daughter comply with the sign, I took her into the other room to play. After about three minutes, my son came in to where we were and announced that his sister could play with his legos. These are his brand new legos that she has not been allowed to touch until this very moment. He then stomped back to his tunnel while my daughter and I played with the new legos. After another couple of minutes, my son came back, headed to the toy box, picked out his very favorite cars which he handed to us, and said that his sister could play with them. He even got out his road for the cars to go on. Then he headed back to the safety of the tunnel.
My daughter and I continued playing. She and I were playing with some musical instruments – a triangle, a tambourine, and some bells – when my son once again came back and asked if he could play the triangle. So, my son was on the triangle, my daughter was playing the bells, and I was on the tambourine. We played music together for a bit, and then my son spotted his sister’s toy caterpillar. There are three balls that go with the caterpillar, and they always get misplaced. He searched high and low for the balls, and when he finally found them, he and his sister started playing together with the caterpillar. I left the room at that point. The two of them happily played together with that caterpillar for the rest of the morning!
After lunch, my daughter was welcomed back into the tunnel. The tension between the kids had dissipated, and they once again were full of giggles together.
I fully believe that allowing my son to tell his sister to keep away, and giving him permission to feel frustrated with her did a great deal toward mending the rift.
– Sarah
My son and daughter are 19 months apart and my son (the older of the two) definitely needs time apart from his little shadow. I think you are totally right that allowing your son to express himself diffused what could have turned into a grumpy day and a more long-term sibling rivalry.
Thanks for a great post!
🙂 Julie
What a great relationship they have! My brother and I are 3 and a half years apart, and we had a seriously tight relationship, but definitely needed our own space from time to time.
It is wonderful that you have been able to recognize how important it is to listen to our little ones…their feelings are just as real as the ones big people have. Your story proves that when kids are treated with respect that they make generous, caring, and loving decisions!
Now, if we could only get the BIG PEOPLE to act this grown up…:)
What a lovely story and what a wise Mama and sensitive little boy you have 🙂 Makes me smile.
What a great story of r-e-s-p-e-c-t. It’s wonderful that you allowed your son to work out his feelings rather than force him to comply. Clearly you were in tune with his needs.
Way to go, mama! This is a good reminder for all of us (um, me).
Excellent! I’ll have to see if this works with a 6 year divide. Or a two minute divide, for that matter!
By the way, Julie, your name isn’t published on this entry anywhere that I could see.
This post was actually submitted by Sarah, not me, and I omitted her signature line when I was posting it last night–so sorry, Sarah, I have corrected that now!
This is a great reminder that I need to add avatars for all of our contributors. Have added it to my to do list and thank you all for your patience while we work out the kinks!
🙂 Julie
This was a great article. I only have one child at the moment (TTC #2) but I remember being at a friend’s house a while ago where the oldest daughter was trying to lay out her animal toys in a row and little sister kept wrecking the rows. The oldest girl was quite frustrated and upset, and my friend lectured her and put her in time out for not sharing with her younger sister (who was too young to even understand what sharing meant)! I felt so bad for big sister that her feelings were not respected and that an effort was not made to help her solve the problem. You are a wise mama- thank you for sharing this!