On Nursing a Preschooler

When I was preparing for my daughter Ava’s birth, there were a lot of uncertainties about what motherhood would have in store for me, but there was one thing I knew for certain – I would breastfeed. I didn’t have a time limit set on how long I would breastfeed, I just knew I would do it, as my mom had done with me and my siblings.

My daughter Ava is now just three weeks away from her fourth birthday and she is still nursing. I am sometimes conflicted about how I feel about it. After all, it’s not like I began my nursing journey saying, “I want to nurse my child until she’s at least four.” I did, however, believe I wanted my child to wean when she was ready, but I didn’t anticipate how I might feel or what I might do if her idea/time frame of weaning readiness differed from my idea of when I thought she should be ready.

Ava nursed pretty much on demand, or, a phrase I rather prefer, on cue until she was around 2 years old. It was then that I was pregnant with her brother Julian and decided I need to cut back her nursing frequency a bit for my own peace of mind. A few months before Julian’s birth, she was down to nursing once per day (before bed) and that’s pretty much what she’s been doing ever since (for the last year and a half).

A few months ago, I toyed with the idea of weaning her by her fourth birthday, so I threw the suggestion out there to her. At first she seemed amenable to the idea, but has since changed her tune, citing, “But I love mama milk,” which made me smile. And then she also added, “I’m going to nurse until I’m 8!,” which made me shift a little uncomfortably in my seat.

I feel like overall (with the exception of a few difficult months during my pregnancy) we’ve had a great nursing relationship and she’s received so many wonderful benefits – great health, emotional security, bonding with her brother at the breast, etc. – over the past four years. I know it would be bittersweet if she weaned now, but I would feel very good about what I’ve been able to give her, as well as what she’s been able to give me. However, I don’t think she’s ready yet and, as much as I’d like to just be nursing one child again, I don’t think I am going to insist that she wean. I may still make suggestions and talk up the very rare occasions that she goes to sleep without having “na-na” by telling her how proud I am and what a big girl she is, but, for now, I think that’s as far as I’m going to take it. When all is said and done, I really do want her to be able to decide when she is done.

Ava, almost 4 yrs oldI didn’t set out to nurse a preschooler, but somehow along the way, my sweet little baby grew from an infant to a toddler and eventually blossomed into a preschooler in what now seems like the blink of an eye. I am confident this won’t go on forever and when I look back on this time when she’s 10 or 20 or 30, and I look at the young woman she’s become, I am hopeful that I will feel good about the choices I made and have no regrets.

Amy @ Crunchy Domestic Goddess

The Great Co-Sleeping Survey

A new survey launched this week by two long-time advocates of co-sleeping lets co-sleeping families, so often marginalized or misrepresented as radical, irresponsible, or just plain odd, the ability to stand up and be counted.

The Fennells have been involved in promoting safe co-sleeping for many years. As parents of six and inventors of the Humanity Family Sleeper, they know first hand how misleading media coverage of co-sleeping can discourage families from using this important bonding and nurturing tool. Now they have launched “The Great Co-Sleeping Survey” to help raise awareness about co-sleeping, and how to do it safely. Please participate in their survey!

Here are several fine resources for parents hoping to safely share sleep with their children:

As a family who co-slept with both children when they were infants and who welcomes both children (now aged almost 4 and 2) into our bed (the little one more often than not!), I look forward to seeing if the Fennells will meet their goal of getting 50,000 co-sleeping families to complete the survey before the end of the year. Normalizing what has until the last 50 years or so been the human beings’ normal sleep arrangement, while at the same time educating families who want to co-sleep on how to do it safely, seems like a win-win for everyone involved.

Nursing your toddler

Nursing your toddler can be quite fun. Especially when they have a special word for it and can ask for it. And then there are the times, when they want you to breastfeed their favorite toy, in our case it’s the monkey, with whom we also co-sleep 😉

However there are difficult times as well. Right now we’re going through such a phase.

My daughter, who’s 17 months old now, has began to play with the opposite nipple! She squeezes it, pinches it, twiddles it…and it really hurts, even though her nails are trimmed short.
I have learned that all mammals do this instinctively as they want to increase the milk flow.
I’m sorry but I really can’t stand it whether it’s for the milk flow or for another reason.

I searched the internet and came across this link on Kellymom:
Nursing Manners. My understanding is that it’s better if you can discard such behavior early on, before it turns into a habit.

I read about a mom on the Mothering forums. She let her child twiddle the nipple, she wasn’t disturbed by it. One year later, she is pregnant now and has very sensitive nipples and doesn’t know how to convince the child not to do it. A really difficult situation, me thinks!

It is suggested that we should give the child something else to play with. I thought that a teat would be nice 😉 We have a bottle that we use when I express my milk (in reality we only used it a few times!). Daphne is very happy playing with it during the feeding times. And then she discovered other uses for it as well: It becomes a nice hat for the monkey! Naughty girl!

Senstivity strained by boundary pushing

Responding with sensitivity. Keeping everyone’s dignity in tact. Using positive reinforcement and active listening instead of punishment and negative reaction. All of these practices are something I firmly believe in. I believe children are incentivized to behave well when their needs are met, their work praised, and their failures patiently worked through, instead of harped on. I believe in teaching my children about consequences, instead of punishing them for their actions. I am a big believer in patient parenting.

And then I met six.

Six has strained my relationship with my daughter, my role as an attachment parent, and all my fancy new fangled parenting skills. How exactly does one parent with patience during daily doses of the following:

“Mom! Can we play on the playground?”

“I’m sorry honey but not today, it’s raining.”

“Awww… but I want to! Just for a minute?”

“No dear, the playground is all wet and we need to get in out of the rain.”

“I don’t mind if I get wet. I want to play on the playground.”

“I understand that you do, but the answer is no.”

“But I never get to play on the playground!!”

“Monkey, you have played on the playground every day this week. Today it is raining. We are not playing on the playground in the rain.”

“Can I just go see if the playground is wet before we go?”

“No, clearly the playground is wet if it is raining. We are not staying, we are getting in out of the rain.”

“But I won’t play on it, I just want to look at it!”

“Monkey, you have asked me at least five times, I have answered no each time. There will not be a change in my answer. If you ask me again I will have to take away a privilege. Do you understand me?”

eyerolling “Yes” sigh “I wish I could play on the playground.”

It is enough to drive all notions of attachment parenting right out the window. To make things worse, if I ask her a question she doesn’t want to answer, she will just pretend I never spoke. It has gotten to the point where both my husband and I will reassuringly say “It’s okay honey, I heard you, you did actually speak out loud.”

What is a parent to do? I am trying not to envision my child with ugly green horns and bulbous spots when this behavior rears its ugly head, but I go not have endless reserves of patience. I can’t just turn off all my feelings and not react, even though I know her behavior is developmental, that she is testing her individuality and my boundaries. I know she is not out to get me, but it’s hard to know that in the middle of an argument.

I thought I would share a few of the coping methods I have attempted to employ in staying calm in the face of her powerful persistence.

1. Hum The Girl from Ipanema in my head and imagine I am all alone in an elevator that no one, especially my arguing child, can get into.

2. Envision myself on a beach drinking an icy cold fru-fru drink while a massage therapist works all the argument caused knots out of my shoulder.

3. Remind myself that calm and consistent responses will make a strong and healthy child.

4. Take a deep breath and warn Monkey that she is about to make me very angry. “Honey, I am getting very frustrated, if this continues, I may yell at you.”

If those don’t work I try to forgive myself for yelling, and her for pushing. I also try to apologize for losing my cool, and explain to her why I did. I use I statements when doing so; “I am sorry I yelled, I was feeling like you weren’t listening to me, and that was frustrating for me.” Usually she will apologize too, and we will hug, and the day will go on. On really bad days, we just have a fight, and then I lock myself in the bathroom alone for twenty solid minutes (after hubby is home) and either: read a book, do my nails, or take a long hot shower so I can recover some of my resources.

What do you do to stay calm in the face of unbelievable, epic persistence? What techniques do you use to keep your cool and respond with sensitivity? I would love it if all of you would share your ideas with me in the comments. I think we can all parent more patiently if we have a larger arsenal to draw from.

Volunteer Spotlight

When I first became involved with API Headquarters it was as the Western Regional Director. I worked directly with Support Group Leaders throughout the western region and came to know some of them on a very personal level. I enjoyed the level of friendship and support that we extended to each other. I have now transitioned to the position of the API Office Manager and through this position I have come to know many of our member volunteers and have to say that I have enjoyed getting to know them as well. By helping volunteers find a position that they enjoy and thrive in I have made some wonderful friends and am able to work with some of them on a daily basis. Their enthusiasm for the work that API does and the love that they share for all children is contagious. They motivate and inspire me and I’m grateful for all that they do.

Volunteer Spotlight – Meet Adrienne
I’ve been volunteering for API since January and absolutely love it! I serve as a copy editor for Headquarters and as a junior moderator for the forums. I signed up for the copy editor position as soon as I saw the ad.

This role has so many rewards for me. First, I know that I am helping API maintain a professional image by helping out with something that often gets left behind when time and other resources are limited—editing! Second, I’m launching a career in editing and, though I have significant training and experience, the work with API has helped me broaden my knowledge and expertise. For example, I was able to edit documents for the Web, something I’d studied but not yet gained experience in. And, finally, it’s really not any extra work. I am reading and editing things that I would have chosen to read anyways, out of personal interest! You can’t beat having a ‘job’ that involves doing things you’d be doing anyways!

While editing for API, I learned they were seeking volunteers for forum moderators, and I jumped on the chance. I love the support offered in online forums, and I was thrilled that API was launching their own. I’ve really enjoyed being a part of it and am so pleased that the forums have been busy since day one!

API is such a wonderful organization. I’m so grateful that I learned of it early on in my parenting experience. My family has enjoyed so much in our relationships because of AP, and I relish these opportunities to give back for the priceless gift API has given me.

Volunteer Position Highlight – Technology Team Members
We are currently looking for a couple of volunteers for our fabulous Technology Team.
Technology Manager
API is looking for someone with a background in technology to research new technologies and help with the implementation and maintenance of API’s shopping cart, forums, databases, and future technology offerings. Specific experience with pod casts and webinars is a plus. If you are interested, please contact Julie.

A Web Content Manager
API is looking for someone with a background in web-based communication to drive the content and style of the new API Web site. Excellent written communication and organizational skills a must. Specific experience with designing information for the web, design, navigation, news feeds, promoting web content is also a plus. If you’d like to be considered for this position, please email Rita.

If you believe in the value of our mission to educate and support all parents in raising secure, joyful, and empathic children in order to strengthen families and create a more compassionate world, please join with us today. Click here for more information on the various volunteer positions that our organization currently has available. Please know that this list is not comprehensive. If you have talents and experience that you feel would further our mission, please email me so that we can chat about the possibilities!
Warmly,

Brandy Lance

On breastfeeding while pregnant

This month’s Motherwear Carnival of Breastfeeding is on the topic of pregnancy and breastfeeding.

When my husband and I decided to try to have another baby when our son was 10 months old, the realities of breastfeeding while pregnant were far from my mind. Like so many other aspects of parenting, I did not really know anyone who had breastfed through a pregnancy, but, as always, I was determined that it was natural and that I could do it.

A nanosecond later, I was pregnant (OK, maybe it was a week or two later, but regardless, we missed the fun of “trying”!). My parents were in town early in the pregnancy and as I sat down to nurse Gabriel, my father exclaimed, “But you can’t nurse while you’re pregnant. Give him a bottle.”

One of my biggest fears about nursing while pregnant was that it would cause my progesterone levels, which were dangerously low with Gabriel, to plummet even lower. There was not a lot of literature out there about what happened to hormones while nursing and pregnant, but I figured if nursing suppressed my hormones enough to keep my period from coming back for 8 months after Gabriel’s birth, it was at least possible that I could have a problem during this pregnancy. Instead, my levels were much higher than they had been during my first pregnancy. Whew! Armed with this news, I mentioned casually during a prenatal checkup that I was intending to continue to nurse my son. My OB-GYN’s reaction, while more understated than my father’s, still expressed surprise mixed with a sort of cautious, grudging approval since this was not a high-risk pregnancy.

Just when it seemed that I was well on my way to my goal of tandem nursing, my plans went awry. Apparently I’d forgotten to tell my son that he should continue to nurse even if there wasn’t any milk. He was just under 14 months old when I entered my second trimester and my milk supply, bountiful enough to soak shirts, spray restaurant tables, and sate my hungry son, was suddenly non-existent. Easy-going Gabriel did not complain, but he also went from nursing 6-8 times per day down to 4-6, then to just nursing before nap and bedtime. By 15 months old, he was down to nursing just once a day, upon waking in the morning.

I tried to draw out these morning sessions both because I enjoyed the extra hour in bed and because I suspected that we wouldn’t make it to tandem nursing land. But the truth of the matter was that my nipples were sore, I was tired, and I didn’t enjoy nursing Gabriel except in those peaceful morning sessions. I felt guilty that I didn’t want to nurse him anymore, and I felt sad that he didn’t want to nurse for comfort, just for milk. Before he was 16 months old, the last of those morning sessions went away too. It was a gradual weaning, but I couldn’t help feeling neither one of us was ready for it.

Looking back 2.5 years later, I have a different perspective. Now I know children who nursed through a pregnancy even when there was no milk, and I know mamas whose supply did not disappear like mine did. But I also know other mothers who experienced what I did, with children who no longer wanted the nurse once the milk was all gone.

I also had the pleasant surprise, a few weeks after Lily was born, of a 20-month-old who decided to try to nurse again after nearly 5 months without. He never did relearn a proper latch, or go back to daily nursing, but that bountiful postpartum supply allowed him to get milk in a cup or from the breast (after baby sister nursed) a few times per week well into his second year. “Yummy milk, Mommy,” he would say, smacking his lips. That did it for me: no more guilt, no more regret. Just a little boy and a mama sharing a cuddle and some milk.

Please visit this month’s other Carnival of Breastfeeding participants:

– Julie

Babywearer in Disguise

I’m the type of person that likes to be active about the things I am passionate about. In parenting spheres my passions include “extended” breastfeeding and carrying my child, usually in a sling. I remember when littlepixie was tiny, I used to get very excited whenever I saw anyone nursing an older baby in public, because it gave me hope during the first few difficult weeks, and I thought “well if they can do it so can I”.

It’s funny, when you’re pregnant, you smile at all the other pregnant women who seem to be everywhere. When you have your baby all bundled up in a wrap you seem to see slings all over the place. When you breastfeed you quickly recognise other breastfeeding pairs, the little hand stuffed down mum’s shirt, the new mum trying to undo her bra clasp, the way the baby is snuggling, a passerby might think the baby is asleep but you know he’s hard at work feeding.

I feel that by nursing my toddler in public, or carrying her in a funky wrap, maybe someone like me might see us and feel reassured, or maybe a pregnant woman might pass by and think “I’d love to do that” or indeed maybe nobody notices, and that’s cool too as littlepixie doesn’t care if she’s changing people’s minds, all she wants is milkies and to be up on her mama’s hip waving at all the people in town.

But the practicalities of life often intervene. Littlepixie doesn’t feed very often outside the house now, she prefers to be up on a chair eating big person food with the rest of us. But I make an effort to give an encouraging little smile to any nursing mamas I see on my travels, they may think I’m nuts, maybe we should have a secret sign, one nursing mama to another!

And we choose to be car-free, which means I use a stroller when I go to town with littlepixie, mostly to carry the groceries but also so she can nap on the bus. And when she’s not napping, she prefers to be walking. The wraps and Mei-Tais which were once so snuggly are now too constricting for this active bundle of joy who needs to jump down onto the grass right now! Which means that my beautiful slings, wraps and Mei-tais are usually left at home, apart from the ringsling, of course, which is always hiding somewhere on the stroller ready to do its job at a moment’s notice.

I guess what I’m saying is littlepixie is growing up and we’re entering a new phase in our family life, it’s so exciting. She’s over two stone now, that’s almost a quarter of my weight, so she’s getting heavy to carry! It may be coming close to my time to retire the “babywearer” label which I wear so happily, and instead to stick on a new “runs after crazy toddler” label. The good thing is my strong Scandinavian Mei Tais will be perfect for piggy back rides on daddy’s back when she’s bigger and once again realises the benefits to being carried on a long walk or a cross-country hike!

Is this a trial run for the day that we move on past our breastfeeding relationship? Is our good old reliable ringsling the same as that snuggly bedtime feed that no-one wants to let go of? If that’s the case, then I’m glad littlepixie is weaning me so gently and still claps her hands when she sees the ringsling, and still enjoys the occasional hip carry, usually when she really needs her mammy!

I am thankful that littlepixie loves to walk everywhere and I’m thankful that she’ll nap in the stroller, these things definitely make the gradual transition from “babywearing” to “running after crazy toddler” easier but a little part of me misses carrying her everywhere and that part of me wants a sticker for my stroller that says “Babywearer in Disguise“!

Favorite Baby Carrier?

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Q: What is your favorite baby carrier and why?

A: Let me start by saying I have never met a baby carrier I did not like. I firmly believe that each baby carrier is suited to some parent/baby pair out there. Everyone has their own preferences and mostly it is not about quality, just a matter of opinion, or sometimes just a matter of habit and familiarity. I love the huge variety of soft carriers out there and I get a kick out of trying all the fabulous new innovations. What I like conceptually however and what I actually grab when we leave the house are often two different things. Even though I have a mountain of carriers to choose from, I do indeed find myself reaching for the same few carriers. I find I have different favorites for different purposes (household chores, walking, traveling) and certainly for different ages. My youngest child is 6 months old and my favorite carrier for her right now is my good old ring sling.

Here she is in my beautiful silk ZoloWear sling. I love the versatility of my ring sling. I find it perfect for meeting the ever changing needs of my younger babies without ever having to take them out. I find it so convenient when we are out for extended periods of time because I can start her in the tummy to tummy position which she loves for quite some time, then when she has had enough I can loosen the top rail and lay her down in the fabric to discretely nurse her. At this point she usually dozes off and then I just retighten the sling and I haven’t missed a beat. Once she is asleep reclined, I can swing her to my back if I want to. Also, with these young, smaller babies (mine are usually under about 15 pounds at this point) I do not mind the weight and I am comfortable for long periods even though this is a one-shouldered carrier.

Just today I went up to my children’s elementary school for the end of the year parent teacher conferences. I had little Julia in tow so I grabbed my ring sling. I wore her in the hip carry into the building. As always when I trot out my sling covered baby, people commented on how cozy and happy she looked. Fifteen minutes into the first conference she got restless so I laid her down in the sling and nursed her with the tail of the sling offering us privacy. By the end of the conference she was full but obviously sleepy and increasingly fidgety. That is usually my cue to walk around a bit to settle her to sleep. As we stood in the hallway waiting for the second conference I positioned her reclined in the sling, head out away from the rings and began gently swinging her back and forth. I continued this standing for the first part of the second conference until she closed her eyes. I then gingerly sat with her asleep in the sling for the rest of the conference. She slept great, in fact she is still asleep draped across me lap still in the sling as I type this…making those sweet baby sleep noises.

Based on wearing my four children over the past seven years, here is the pattern that has emerged. I have focused on the first group in this post and will address the other two in future posts:

0-6 months: My favorites are the ring sling for outings, stretch wraparound carrier or mei tai for walks where I anticipate baby sleeping for the duration, and a traditional quilted Korean podaegi for early back carries.

6-12 months: Around nine months or so, I find myself reaching for my pouches instead of my ring sling. I start using my mei tai more often. Although I do like the soft structured carriers (SSC) I have tried I am just a creature of habit and end up reaching for my mei tais.

Toddler: Pouch, mei tai, rucksack carry in a woven wraparound carrier. When I carry my two year old, I reach most often for my mei tai. Yes, I have worn them together using two mei tais, the toddler on my back and the newborn on my front, but sheesh is that heavy! I only wear both if I can see no alternative and the screeching is intolerable. Mostly, they just take turns.

In the interest of brevity, I will limit myself to just a few favorites in each of these categories in no particular order. I do not mean to imply an inferior product by leaving out any carriers.

Ring slings: ZoloWear, Moms in Mind Sarong Carrier, new Maya Wrap lightly padded, TaylorMade Slings, Wise Woman Sling

Pouches: Slinglings, Hotslings, New Native Baby Carrier

Wraparounds: Gypsy Mama (stretch and woven), Didymos (woven)

Mei Tai: Kozy Carrier, BabyHawk

Soft Structured Carriers: Beco Baby Carrier, The ERGO Baby Carrier

You can find a more complete list of all the carriers I have tried and what I like about them here. So this is the long answer to the question of my favorite carrier written when my youngest is six months old. Ask me again in six months and I will bet I have another answer. How about you? What is your absolute favorite carrier? Have you found that it changes over time as your baby grows?