Category: General Interest

Expanding our attachment

By Melissa of Colorado, USA, who blogs at Nature Deva

Last night, we embarked on the first step of our journey of becoming foster-care parents in hopes to eventually adopt a child. After sitting in a meeting with other parents like us, I learned that we all had the same idea: It is wonderful that so many want to open their homes and their lives to help foster kids.

The social worker running the meeting gave us a three-hour overview of what the process entails and it seems not very likely that you would necessarily get to adopt the first child that comes to your home. They try to place the children with extended family first.

The social worker explained the steps to getting the foster child’s parent(s) back on track and what they have to do to become and maintain a level she referred to as “minimally adequate.” That term just blows my mind, but for people who are either addicted to drugs and/or alcohol, have low to no job skills, no real parenting skills or even basic life skills, there is much training and support provided to them to get them to that level of “minimally adequate” so that they can take care of their own children. The extended family members that may step up to take in these kids would have to meet the “minimally adequate” level as well and may also have to go through the foster-care training and get a physical, too, to be sure they are up for the job. Then, of course, there are the background checks out of the hiring process. This step is followed to the letter.

My heart was breaking for these parents and their “broken children,” as the social worker called them. Regardless of whatever external situations occurred, at the core as a parent you love your child.

Something that the social worker pointed out about the “broken children” is that they want to be with their families regardless, just as our children would always want to be with us. It’s just that something happened in their life that made it unsafe for them to stay living with their mom and/or dad and now they have to adjust to living with strangers. They will be scared, sad and confused.

This is where I feel Attachment Parenting can play a part in helping these child. Some things like cosleeping are not allowed by the foster care system, but nighttime parenting is still always important. Good nutrition, lots of attention and hugs, babywearing if a young child, positive encouragement, a good routine to their day and so on — all of it is so nurturing for any child but especially for a “broken child.”

The social worker made it clear that the gift of love a foster parent receives from these “broken children” is so much greater than the love foster parents give them. If and when their parents are successfully rehabilitated and the family is reunited, the gift to that child of being able to live with a nurturing foster family where they were loved on will last with that child forever.

The social worker said, “Yes, your heart will break when they leave you, if they are able to be reunified with their family. If your heart doesn’t break, then you didn’t let yourself love them enough.”

It seems to me as with everything in life, love is always the answer. I expect that my husband, my son and myself will have our hearts grow by leaps and bounds over this upcoming experience of opening our lives to help heal a “broken child.” It may be very challenging at times and every person is different, but we are up for it.

The power of having been parented well

I goofed as a parent yesterday. I explained a scientific fact to my daughter in a way that made her feel rotten. So in the evening, I did what I always do when I feel like I need help with a parenting issue: I talked it over with my husband.

As usual, I was impressed with the immediacy and certainty of his response. I had come to the same conclusion myself, but I had to think about it, whereas he just knew. We talked over how this kind of situation could be handled in the future, and started thinking about how we might help her understand the specific question that had started it all. I’m confident that we’ve made progress on the issue, and I’m grateful to have such a competent co-parent.

We met in college 20 years ago, where his friends all joked that he’d grown up in Mayberry. I think he was the only person I knew in college who didn’t have issues with his parents.

Over the years, I’ve had a chance to see how his parents handle situations with their adolescent and adult children, and listened to them talk about parenting issues, particularly as they’ve become grandparents. It’s clear to me that they really complement each other as parents, and that while of course they aren’t perfect, they’re far better parents than most.

Now that we have children of our own, I’ve had the chance to see that his upbringing has provided my husband with parenting instincts I wish I had!

I know I can be a good parent even though my own upbringing wasn’t as positive, but I have to work a lot harder. I hope that some day, our children will find good parenting coming as easily to them as it does to my husband.

Then I’ll know we got it right!

I don’t always have to like you…

My mother used to tell me that she would always love me, but that she didn’t like me very much right then. As a kid, this was a fairly upsetting thing to hear, so I swore, with childlike passion, that I would never utter the same sentiment. I have kept that promise. I have never told my eldest that I didn’t like her. However, I really understand what my mother meant.

I will always love my children, more deeply than I could ever imagine. Parental love in my world, is mandatory. It turns out that liking them all the time is optional.

My daughter is very stubborn. She refuses to give an inch when she is sure she is in the right. I know this character trait is admirable, and it will hold her in good stead down the road. However, it comes with a lot of behaviors I don’t like. I don’t like it when she refuses to clean her room, or put her dishes in the sink, or do her homework before the morning it is due. These behaviors I don’t like.

There is a difference between not liking someone and not liking their actions. My husband constantly reminds me of this, and I believe him. However, it’s hard to remind myself of that fine line when my daughter’s back is sullenly turned to me when I am trying to explain my feelings about her behavior. She doesn’t always treat me with respect, and it’s hard to like someone who clearly feels nothing you have to say is important.

I am discovering that love, even the boundless love I feel for my children, doesn’t equal admiration, or liking. My hardest parenting moment was the moment I realized I was feeling actual dislike for my child, the child I love so fiercely. It just never occurred to me that I could not like my kids, even for a moment.

It doesn’t seem to fit in the AP ideal, the reality that this person you grew and birthed will act in ways that make you dislike them. It certainly isn’t in the guidelines anywhere. I believe it is one of the things no one wants to talk about, because how could good parents not like their kids? I think it should be talked about, and I think AP principles will help me reach out to my children and let them know I love them, even when I don’t like them.

For example, I try to treat my daughter with respect, even when she doesn’t treat me respectfully. I try to listen to her arguments, and explain that I heard them, but have to proceed with the plan despite them. I try to explain my parenting actions, and not rely too much on “because I said so.” If I fail in remaining calm and rational, I try to apologize for losing my cool and yelling, because it’s the respectful thing to do.

I try to make sure that I tell my daughter I love her, even when her actions are making it hard for me to like her. I try my best to hug her after we have argued, and after a consequence has been given, even if all I want to do is go into the other room and bang my head against the wall until I pass out.

I try to let her know, even when her behavior is such that I have trouble liking her, that my love for her is boundless and eternal.

Misty Ewegen writes about motherhood, the environment, politics, law, and photography at Law and Motherhood.

I don’t always have to like you…

My mother used to tell me that she would always love me, but that she didn’t like me very much right then. As a kid, this was a fairly upsetting thing to hear, so I swore, with childlike passion, that I would never utter the same sentiment. I have kept that promise. I have never told my eldest that I didn’t like her. However, I really understand what my mother meant.

I will always love my children, more deeply than I could ever imagine. Parental love in my world, is mandatory. It turns out that liking them all the time is optional.

My daughter is very stubborn. She refuses to give an inch when she is sure she is in the right. I know this character trait is admirable, and it will hold her in good stead down the road. However, it comes with a lot of behaviors I don’t like. I don’t like it when she refuses to clean her room, or put her dishes in the sink, or do her homework before the morning it is due. These behaviors I don’t like.

There is a difference between not liking someone and not liking their actions. My husband constantly reminds me of this, and I believe him. However, it’s hard to remind myself of that fine line when my daughter’s back is sullenly turned to me when I am trying to explain my feelings about her behavior. She doesn’t always treat me with respect, and it’s hard to like someone who clearly feels nothing you have to say is important.

I am discovering that love, even the boundless love I feel for my children, doesn’t equal admiration, or liking. My hardest parenting moment was the moment I realized I was feeling actual dislike for my child, the child I love so fiercely. It just never occurred to me that I could not like my kids, even for a moment.

It doesn’t seem to fit in the AP ideal, the reality that this person you grew and birthed will act in ways that make you dislike them. It certainly isn’t in the guidelines anywhere. I believe it is one of the things no one wants to talk about, because how could good parents not like their kids? I think it should be talked about, and I think AP principles will help me reach out to my children and let them know I love them, even when I don’t like them.

For example, I try to treat my daughter with respect, even when she doesn’t treat me respectfully. I try to listen to her arguments, and explain that I heard them, but have to proceed with the plan despite them. I try to explain my parenting actions, and not rely too much on “because I said so.” If I fail in remaining calm and rational, I try to apologize for losing my cool and yelling, because it’s the respectful thing to do.

I try to make sure that I tell my daughter I love her, even when her actions are making it hard for me to like her. I try my best to hug her after we have argued, and after a consequence has been given, even if all I want to do is go into the other room and bang my head against the wall until I pass out.

I try to let her know, even when her behavior is such that I have trouble liking her, that my love for her is boundless and eternal.

Misty Ewegen writes about motherhood, the environment, politics, law, and photography at Law and Motherhood.

I don’t always have to like you…

My mother used to tell me that she would always love me, but that she didn’t like me very much right then. As a kid, this was a fairly upsetting thing to hear, so I swore, with childlike passion, that I would never utter the same sentiment. I have kept that promise. I have never told my eldest that I didn’t like her. However, I really understand what my mother meant.

I will always love my children, more deeply than I could ever imagine. Parental love in my world, is mandatory. It turns out that liking them all the time is optional.

My daughter is very stubborn. She refuses to give an inch when she is sure she is in the right. I know this character trait is admirable, and it will hold her in good stead down the road. However, it comes with a lot of behaviors I don’t like. I don’t like it when she refuses to clean her room, or put her dishes in the sink, or do her homework before the morning it is due. These behaviors I don’t like.

There is a difference between not liking someone and not liking their actions. My husband constantly reminds me of this, and I believe him. However, it’s hard to remind myself of that fine line when my daughter’s back is sullenly turned to me when I am trying to explain my feelings about her behavior. She doesn’t always treat me with respect, and it’s hard to like someone who clearly feels nothing you have to say is important.

I am discovering that love, even the boundless love I feel for my children, doesn’t equal admiration, or liking. My hardest parenting moment was the moment I realized I was feeling actual dislike for my child, the child I love so fiercely. It just never occurred to me that I could not like my kids, even for a moment.

It doesn’t seem to fit in the AP ideal, the reality that this person you grew and birthed will act in ways that make you dislike them. It certainly isn’t in the guidelines anywhere. I believe it is one of the things no one wants to talk about, because how could good parents not like their kids? I think it should be talked about, and I think AP principles will help me reach out to my children and let them know I love them, even when I don’t like them.

For example, I try to treat my daughter with respect, even when she doesn’t treat me respectfully. I try to listen to her arguments, and explain that I heard them, but have to proceed with the plan despite them. I try to explain my parenting actions, and not rely too much on “because I said so.” If I fail in remaining calm and rational, I try to apologize for losing my cool and yelling, because it’s the respectful thing to do.

I try to make sure that I tell my daughter I love her, even when her actions are making it hard for me to like her. I try my best to hug her after we have argued, and after a consequence has been given, even if all I want to do is go into the other room and bang my head against the wall until I pass out.

I try to let her know, even when her behavior is such that I have trouble liking her, that my love for her is boundless and eternal.

Misty Ewegen writes about motherhood, the environment, politics, law, and photography at Law and Motherhood.

Urgent – Two serious recalls this week

I have been watching CPSC recalls for about four years now (you know, ever since I became a parent) and this is the first one I remember that was issued due to the tragic death of a child. In the case of the Simplicity bassinet pictured here, two infants died as a result of slipping between the metal bars of the unit. If you have a bassinet like this, please read the full text of the CPSC recall and stop using the bassinet immediately until you can verify whether it is one of the recalled models.

This week, the CPSC and Optave Inc. also issued a joint recall of Optave’s Action Baby Carriers due to reports that the chest strap can detach, posing a fall hazard. Again, you can read the full text of the recall, and see pictures of the carriers, on the CPSC’s web site. Please spread the word about this important safety information.

API Speaks announces its first AP Blog Carnival!

Last Thursday, Attachment Parenting International officially declared the month of October Attachment Parenting Month (read full release). This year’s theme of “Giving Our Children Presence” is such an important one that we at API Speaks have chosen it for the topic of our first ever AP Blog Carnival.

On October 1, we’ll post a carnival kick-off, complete with Mr Linky, so that you can participate in the carnival with your post on the topic of giving your child(ren) presence. Then, on October 15, we’ll do a carnival wrap-up, announce November’s topic, and link to everyone who participated. Spread the word about AP, and about API Speaks’ first blog carnival!

Volunteer Spotlight

For the past several months I have posted a volunteer spotlight as a way to thank some of the various, wonderfully dedicated volunteers at our organization. It has been a great way to demonstrate the amazing work they do to help API continue to educate and support parents walking along their AP journey.

The following forms of support would not have been made possible without the assistance of our staff of volunteers:

•The creation of our brand new Web site with our new logo, colors and wealth of updated and accurate information available to parents worldwide

•API’s fabulous forum that now supports more than 700 parents and that number continues to climb each day

•FAQs that are well written and edited so that we can clearly answer some of the most common questions parents have

•Amazing digital and print publications which provide heart warming stories, research and AP news to families

•Many terrific affiliated support groups in communities throughout the world

•API Speaks with its editor, contributing editor and our list of insightful bloggers!

These are just a handful of the many offerings that API has been able to produce and put forth, especially over the course of a short 10 months, and they would continue to sit on shelves in our minds if we didn’t have dedicated volunteers willing to help them come to fruition. Our organization survives and thrives on the efforts of our volunteers.

A little known fact about our staff is that most all of them are volunteers. Very few people are paid within API. Even those people work more than the few hours than they individually contract for and so, are still technically volunteers. Another awesome fact is that we have over 100 volunteer leaders who work hard within their community sharing their Principles and values with others who either know, or are trying to determine, what theirs are or will be once their sweet babes are born. I could go on with more interesting facts but for the sake of space, I will resist the temptation. 🙂

The overarching theme for our volunteers seems to be that they each have this drive and zeal to help out when they know what the impact of their volunteering has on other families across the world. Some can only donate an hour a week and others are donating 10 or more. It all depends on their family’s circumstances and the time that they can afford to donate. I hope that they each know that even their one hour a week makes all the difference to the level of support that API offers to parents who contact us and for that, we will be eternally grateful.

This week I would like to tweak the usual Volunteer Spotlight and personally focus a bit on how our amazing, new Executive Director, Samantha Gray interacts with our team of volunteers.

Samantha has an amazing Curriculum Vitae and brings an exceptional level of experience to our organization (see the most recent issue of the Journal for more information). When she began in April she was greeted by staff members asking for a bit of an internal reorganization simply because we have grown by leaps and bounds over the past 10 months when it comes to internal support and external offerings. She came up with an excellent plan that has each of working much more efficiently and she did it all while considering our personal strengths and individual accomplishments. She has done a thorough evaluation of our organization and is furthering her efforts to ensure that we have a fabulous working environment and sturdy foundation to grow upon. Samantha encourages autonomy and believes in each volunteer’s capabilities but is always willing to work with you in ways that you need, or help you find the right course for what you are working on, if you ask.

She is a conscious, empathic leader, a champion of AP and API and it shows in the work that she has done in the short 4 months that she has been our Executive Director. API will continue to grow in unprecedented ways and it will do so under her capable and loving hands and each of us is thrilled to be working with her.

Thank you very much Samantha for all that you are doing to continue to increase the level of support and education that families receive from API. Your work and care is not unnoticed and definitely not under appreciated. Thank you also to your sweet family for their support and encouragement. We are glad to have them as an extended part of our team as well!

If you believe in the value of our mission to educate and support all parents in raising secure, joyful, and empathic children in order to strengthen families and create a more compassionate world, please join with us today.

Check out API’s list of volunteer positions. Please know that this list is not comprehensive. If you have talents and experience that you feel would further our mission but don’t see a position listed to highlight your skills, please email Brandy so that we can chat about the possibilities! We are also open to altering positions as needed to meet the needs of our volunteers and their families.

Warmly,
Brandy Lance
API Volunteer Liaison

“Volunteering is the ultimate exercise in democracy. You vote in elections once a year, but when you volunteer, you vote every day about the kind of community you want to live in.”
Marjorie Moore, Minds Eye Information Service, Belleville, IL, USA