Working Parents – Page 9

Attempting to Write

This past week of July has been filled with a great darkness. I have finally tried to write from home in a serious way. This was my plan when I left my job at 6 months pregnant. I would relax throughout my pregnancy and then begin my journey in freelance writing once I was comfortable in my new mommy world. But the dream seems to be unreachable almost every day so far.

My daughter is just 6 months old and the past 6 months have been amazing. I managed to find time to finish my master’s degree at night while my little girl and I trekked the city by day. We went to sign language classes, baby yoga, farmers market and numerous trips to Target just to walk around while I splurged on Starbucks and Archer Farm chocolate chip cookies.

After visiting with family for a few weeks though I began to feel a burning desire to write from home. Listening to my twin sister’s plans to teach overseas and my girlfriend’s new position as a screenwriter just left me wondering how exactly I spend my days… and where these days are headed. I began to feel like I was wasting precious time I could be using to further myself. Perhaps what I’m seeking is that SAHM comfort. I still feel quite unsure that I am doing the right thing…still unsure if I really make a difference…and why can’t I do something more than diaper changes and silly faces. Maybe I could be a SAHM that is also a productive member of the workforce.

After making a list of topics, best affiliate programs for noobs 2020 and magazines I would query I set out to write. I plopped my daughter next to me in her bouncy seat and typed away. I felt a rush of ambition rush over me. I did some research online to find some freelance writing jobs and applied to a few. Wouldn’t hurt right? Then the fussiness began. I stepped away from my beautiful writing bubble and calmed my baby girl down. This time I put her in a swing and turned on SpongeBob. I sat back down even more excited to begin writing. Again my head was just rushing with ideas and I felt a blissful feeling of self-satisfaction. Even if I only wrote one day a week maybe I could make some extra shopping money and beat those occasional bouts of boredom. Maybe I could wake up every day with a mission on my mind instead of diaper changes and Sesame Street. But, then, 5 minutes later the fussy baby to my left seemed to be very angry about these plans. These failed attempts continued throughout the day and week. Even my plans to write at night while she was zonked out didn’t work out. All I wanted to do by the end of the day was read a book and lay down. All of my creative juices were dried up.

I began to question my worth as a SAHM. Thoughts of putting her in daycare crossed my mind despite the fact I never wanted that for my daughter. I want to be a WAHM (work at home mom) but I don’t see where the balance is. It seems clear that I was beginning to ignore my daughter and she was simply screaming for some attention. Perhaps all I really need right now is a boost of self-confidence as a SAHM. Maybe in a month or two she will be self-reliant enough to entertain herself long enough to do a tad of writing….Here’s hoping.

AP on the Road

Rubyplane — Heading to Chicago, Summer 2010. (Flying as a lap child - enjoying a few minutes in an empty seat during boarding!)

My 22-month old daughter zooms around the living room like an airplane, making whooshing noises. “Mama!” she says, “Whoosh!”

“That’s right, honey, Mama’s getting on an airplane soon. But I’ll be back in two days, OK?”

“Uh-huh,” she smiles, and hugs my leg tight. She knows I’ll come home, and that I’ll miss her terribly while I’m gone – we’ve done this before.

I think there are sometimes misconceptions about how feasible attachment parenting is for working parents, or in my case, a working and traveling mama. But for my family, AP has been nothing short of essential to maintaining a strong relationship with my daughter and organizing our family’s priorities.

I work from home and travel in the U.S. and abroad to visit clients. In many ways it’s an ideal arrangement – when I’m not on the road, I can be at home with my daughter during the day, every day. But the travel… well, after Ruby was born, I dreaded the day I’d have to get back on the road.

My husband and I talked a lot about how we wanted to handle it. We ultimately felt that our daughter was too young to be away from me that first year. Nursing in particular was non-negotiable for us. I hated pumping (crazy respect for all of you who do!) and worried about my supply dipping during separations. My daughter never took a bottle (we never really tried), so in some ways that was our excuse to haul her along.

So haul we did. When Ruby was six months old, I started traveling again on a limited schedule. Bless his heart, since our daughter was born, my husband has used every minute of his hard-earned vacation to travel with Ruby and me on work trips. None of it was easy, and most of the time, it wasn’t even very fun.

“This is our priority right now,” we’d repeat to each other, when the packing, flying, hotel food, exhaustion and 1 a.m. hotel fire alarms (yes, this has happened more than once…) started to get to us. “Someday it will be different, but this is what we need to do for our family.”

At conferences and client meetings, I would race back and forth to our hotel room every two hours to nurse Ruby before my next event. I was stressed to the max trying simultaneously to be mama-me and professional-me. And though he loved the time with our daughter, trying to maintain sanity in tiny hotel rooms with a baby wasn’t exactly easy for my husband either.

But all the chaos has been worth it. Because we co-sleep, even at conferences and meetings where I hardly saw her during the day, at night my daughter would snuggle up against my side, tucking her fingers and toes under my body, and make up for not nursing during the day as much as she might have at home. Though I do work a full-time job requiring a fair amount of time away, I wasn’t away from my baby overnight until she was 18 months old. Our nursing relationship is STILL going strong as we close in on her second birthday.

I do travel without her most of the time now, though we try to go together if there are too many trips in close proximity to each other. She’s at an age where she mostly does better with keeping her routine and her surroundings at home, even though she misses nursing and misses me. I just pump for comfort while I’m away, because it doesn’t really matter if my supply dips. She still co-sleeps with my husband when I’m gone, which reinforces their bond and the centrality of his role in her life.

I am also appreciative that all our running around when she was tiny made my daughter a great traveler. She’s been to a dozen states and overseas. She is comfortable in new places. She loves flying. I think what she learned through all our mobility is that home is where the three of us are, not just in our house or our town. Home is the family bed and the comfort of nursing, wherever they might be located.

All this is to say that I am a firm believer in AP even for, and maybe especially for, working parents. While some see AP as a constant physical connection, what AP has helped us create is an unbreakable emotional bond that withstands even physical separations.

What about you? How important do you feel AP is to you as a working parent?

Shifting Your Paradigm (or at least your shower time)

Nothing rocks your world quite like becoming a parent. Many of us had not yet mastered the art of taking care of ourselves when we became responsible for another little being. With the coming of new responsibilities is the “going” of our old way of doing things. Some pieces of our old lives are hard to give up, despite the joy that a new baby brings.

What do you find yourself struggling to get back? I remember feeling so defeated as a first-time parent simply because I could not drag my sleep-deprived self out of bed early enough to take a shower before my baby awakened. I work at night and truly need every minute of morning sleep I can get. I finally realized that the days of greeting the world freshly showered, fashionably dressed and with a current hairstyle were temporarily on hold. I always hated showering at night, but found it was the only way to make this new life work. And, after awhile, I came to enjoy scrubbing off a days worth of baby spit-up or the various messes created by a toddler. I shifted my paradigm and it made a world of difference.

Take the MAMA DARE: This is the week to make a change in your life to incorporate at least one thing you find yourself complaining about or longing for. What is it: exercise, a date with your spouse, the mountain of laundry that children mysteriously create? Shift the pattern you’ve gotten yourself into and make the necessary change to fit in (or remove) the source of stress. Your solution does not need to be permanent, but may help you realize that adaptability will become one of your greatest strengths as a parent. As my mother always recites, “This too shall pass.” So shift your current expectations, and make this week work for you in a whole new way.

Sharron Wright is the work-at-home mother of three girls, ages 2, 5 and 7. Her mission is to help other new parents feel empowered and to instill in them the confidence to care for their babies in a loving, positive way that respects the uniqueness of all children. Visit her at www.babylovecarebook.com.

Hiding my third day without a shower behind a hat and sunglasses. Even after the birth of baby number three, I'm still working out the kinks.

Finding an AP-Friendly Caregiver

The Sitter Who Cried “Ferber”

An acquaintance of mine recently shared a horror story about leaving her five month old baby with a sitter for a few hours. The sitter was auditioning for a role as a permanent nanny, because the mother will return to work soon.

An hour into her outing, the mother started getting text messages from the sitter. The sitter expressed concern that the baby was crying inconsolably.

The mother responded with suggestions on how to help him calm down: walking with him in the sling, rubbing his back, bouncing him gently, giving him a bottle of breastmilk, singing to him.

Her mild feelings of discomfort soon led to the first twinges of panic when she received this text:

“He won’t stop screaming!”

When the sitter texted later that the baby was asleep, the mother felt some relief. Until she went to pick her son up and the sitter admitted “I had to let him cry it out – nothing else worked.” Continue reading “Finding an AP-Friendly Caregiver”

Brain, Child’s Pep Talk for Moms Returning to Work

For obvious reasons, I don’t intend to share all the details about my process of going back to work on API Speaks. I have wrestled with the choice to work or not work since my first baby was born over three years ago. I always knew that I wanted to be home with my babies; and I always knew that I found personal fulfillment in work and would like to continue in some capacity. I opted for consulting part-time from home with the intention of eventually going back to work full-time when the timing felt right. A solid dose of economic pressure combined with a bit of SAHM burn-out has helped me determine the time is now.

Yes, I’m nervous about the time lost with my girls while they are little, about finding childcare I can trust and making sure my girls remain securely attached. And I choose to believe we will find loving care and that I can nurture our bonds with continued nursing and co-sleeping and my loving attention when I’m home.

After I’m hired, I’d like to share a post with tips on how to put your best foot forward to successfully make the transition from proud Stay At Home Mom to shining employee in the job of your choice.

While I’m still somewhere in between those two realities at the moment, I am generally excited when something crosses my path that I think will guide me through this significant life change. I saw the latest issue of Brain, Child — a magazine I like for its thought-provoking content and delightfully cerebral reflections on motherhood — and the headline, “Mama Wants a Brand-New Job” popped out at me like a neon sign.

“Sweet,” I thought. “Maybe they’ve got some great pointers in here for me,” so I immediately tossed it into the grocery cart for future reading.

I didn’t really pay attention to the sub-heading until I got home and was able to read it eight hours later when all was finally quiet on the Cravotta front. “Opting in during a recession,” it read.

A little depressing, but I was still hopeful for the “How to Opt In” pep talk. Continue reading “Brain, Child’s Pep Talk for Moms Returning to Work”

Separate but Attached

DSCN2261a I slipped into the apartment at 5 pm, kicked off my sandals, and looked around. “Where’s the baby?” I asked my husband.

“She’s in the crib. She cried herself to sleep.”

My heart froze. “She did what?”

He looked as uncomfortable, unhappy, and upset as I felt. “She cried from the moment you left until she finally fell asleep.”

I shouldn’t have left the house, I thought. Without another word, I swept into the bedroom and lifted her out of the crib, holding her tight against my chest and burying my face in her thick, dark hair. “I’m so sorry, little girl,” I whispered, guilt welling up in my chest, my throat tight as I fought back tears, “I’m so, so sorry.”

My husband walked over and wrapped us both in his arms. Our daughter woke up, looking up at us, her dark eyes serious and her brow furrowed for a moment with sleepiness. I felt judged. Then she smiled, raising a hand and pressing her fingers to my lips, and I smiled in return, gently biting her fingertips to make her laugh.

I felt forgiven. But there’s still a lump of guilt in my chest every time I think about those words: She cried herself to sleep.

You see, at seven months old, our daughter is going through a serious separation anxiety phase. A lot of the time, I can’t walk away without her starting to whimper and whine, and as soon as I exit her line of sight those little sounds of discontent grow to full-blown wails. I never try to slip away from her stealthily; I kiss her forehead and tell her, “Mama will be right back,” before I walk away. There are things I need to do — use the washroom, get dressed, pour some coffee, feed the dogs — that are infinitely easier and faster without having to hold her in my arms.

When she wants me, she doesn’t want her Daddy. She doesn’t want her blanket. She doesn’t want her teddy bear, or to listen to music, or to be read to; she wants her Mama. Now. I could be standing on the other side of the gates we use to block off the kitchen, talking to her about what I’m doing, and she’ll start screaming and bashing her hand against the gate because I am not holding her.

But on that day, I had to leave the house. Right now, my husband is unemployed and so am I; I needed to get out and apply to some jobs. I made a plan as to where I’d go, plotted out the most time-efficient route between them, and made certain she was nursed and happy before I left. I knew she’d be upset when I left, but I had no idea that when I walked into the house an hour later, she’d have cried for fifty-five minutes straight as her Daddy tried desperately to comfort her.

She loves her Daddy. Every few days, they leave the house together for awhile and go out to the park, mall, or library for several hours, and she’s giggling when they leave, just as she is when they return. They have a great time together! When we take her to playgroups, she’s the baby wandering everywhere, exploring everything, and greeting everyone, not once looking over her shoulder for her parents. I know she knows we are always here for her.

So why did she cry so relentlessly, exhausting herself, that day? What am I supposed to do when I get a job and I need to leave her at home with her Daddy? This guilt, this sickness in the center of my chest, knowing that she suffered, makes me cringe.

Can someone out there help us?

It Takes a Village to Raise a Child

A lot of parents that practice attachment parenting or natural parenting point to the fact that this is the way children are often raised in traditional societies. This is true, to a great extent, but there is one big exception. In our society we seem to feel that practicing attachment parenting means that the parents alone are raising the child or sometimes even one parent alone (usually the mother) while the other one works long hours, goes off to war, or just runs away.

We parent alone. We raise our children alone. That is exhausting.

In traditional societies, it is true that people co-sleep, breastfeed much longer, and wear their babies all the time. But the village raises the child. There are grandparents, aunts, neighbours, and older children to share the parenting. In our society, if the mother cannot do it all, all of the time, we look down on her. Or, alternately, if she isn’t willing to just leave her baby with some stranger in order to get a break, we look down on her.
Continue reading “It Takes a Village to Raise a Child”

Is Pumping A Breastfeeding Requirement?

Way back when I was pregnant with my first child and reading up on breastfeeding, almost all of the literature I perused mentioned the cost factor. In comparison to formula feeding, breastfeeding costs significantly less and can even be free.

It wasn’t free for me, because I had a Boppy pillow, a couple of nursing bras, storage bottles and bags for expressed milk, bottles for other people to feed my baby. Things that may not be strictly necessary, but are nice to have.

Then there was the pump.

Oh yes, the pump.

Breastfeeding might be free, but you’ll also find “breast pump” appearing on every list of must-have items for every woman who intends to breastfeed, especially if she is returning to work.

I started with a cheap, single electric pump, because I was planning on returning to working very limited hours, and because my husband wanted a chance to feed our son. The cheap pump was perfectly adequate for pumping a couple of times per week, but when I needed more out of it, it died on me. I ended up purchasing a better quality double pump, offered at a discounted priced through my lactation consultant, but it was still 200 dollars.

The advantages to expressing and storing milk are many. Continue reading “Is Pumping A Breastfeeding Requirement?”