Jasmine Carlson – Page 6

Travel to Attachment

When my foster brothers–who suffered with attachment disorder– were in some of the worst periods of their sickness, a therapist suggested that we travel. It throws children in to one of their most dependent states. They don’t know anyone else, they don’t know where they are, they are not surrounded by the familiar items of their home. Often even their food and sleeping patterns change and flex according to the travel schedule. This, the therapist said, would make it an ideal situation for bonding, because you (as the parent) were the only constant, stable thing in their life.

I am about to go on a road trip with my (almost) 17 month old son. And not a small or short road trip either, we are going to Texas. We are driving from northern MN to Texas and then we will be spending 10 days there, not in the same place– we have to do some traveling in Texas as well– and then road tripping back. His schedule will be thrown off, his food will be different, he will have to spend hours confined to his car seat, he will have to visit people he doesn’t know (very well) and will have to wear disposable diapers. These are all very unsettling things in a small child’s life. I have found myself becoming increasingly nervous. Until I remembered what the therapist had said. Now my son, by no means, has an attachment disorder but I thought about what she had said and applied it to our upcoming situation and it has begun to turn my feelings of trepidation in to ones of excitement.

We are going to have a blast! We are going to get out of normal routine. We are going to spend all kinds of time together doing new and different things. We are going to experience things together in a whole new way. The “old” places to me are not going to feel “old” or routine this time because I am going to experience them through the eyes and emotions of my child. What an invigorating experience!

Through this trip we are going to continue to forge our attachment and on the other side of the thousand miles of road we will travel we are going to come out, still and again, a very bonded pair.

That being said, anyone want to leave some tips on how to keep this busy little man occupied and happy (as possible) during this long trip? (i.e. snack, games, toys, etc.)

Letting Go

My little sister got married this past weekend and she moved to Texas. My brother got dumped by the girlfriend that he was going to ask to marry him. The ring is sitting on his desk. Our little community has been in emotional upheaval, to say the least.

Here are just a few of the emotions that have been flying around: joy, excitement, nerves, jealousy, sadness anger, fear and pain.

This past week I have watched as my son has run through a gamut of emotions himself. Continue reading “Letting Go”

The Making of Me

After I had my son I felt lost. I was starting to feel like I had a hang of the whole pregnancy thing. I wasn’t comfortable by any means but, after 9 months and being 2 weeks overdue, I really just thought I would be pregnant forever. At least it was familiar.

Then my son was born. I can’t even describe the wonder and the love and the bond that happens when you first grab up that wet screaming baby that you have just birthed – if you have been there you know what I mean. There is a moment. There is nothing else like it.

And then, the next two nights we spent walking our new little one all night long as he cried, we soothed and he cried, we nursed and he cried, we walked and he cried. I didn’t sleep well again for the next 11 months. He was up 4-6 times a night, every night. I was un-made. Continue reading “The Making of Me”

The “I” in AP

I like that I have a constant reminder with API of the “I” in AP. Let me explain.

I have a hard time slowing down. There are so many things that “need” to be done and I am constantly wondering if I am doing the best for my child, if we are spending enough time together (pretty silly for a SAHM don’t you think? But you are getting an inside look at my crazy mind). I have even wondered if I wasn’t doing a good enough job because I don’t have scheduled play times. There always seems to be something that I can beat myself up about or worry that I am not doing well enough or something else that needs to be done. There is a never ending supply of things to clean, organize, pick up. etc. And then since we have made the choice to AP, my son’s needs and even many of his wants come before chores. We have set it up that way.

And where does this leave the “I”? I have noticed that if I do not take the time for the “I” that the AP does not happen very well. If I don’t take time to do some things for me, if I don’t take the time to “take care of myself” then very quickly AP becomes a difficulty instead of a joy.

SO, I have made a short list today of “I” things that need to happen for me to be “OK”, now these don’t have to happen every day, though I do better if some of them happen either every day or every few days. These things vary for every one of us this is just my “I” list, it is in no particular order.

1. I need a date with hubby alone once a month.
2. I need to exercise.
3. I need to write.
4. I need to read.
5. I need to have sex.
6. I need to eat (healthy).
7. I need some me alone time.
8. I need a clean house.

These are some of the more important things that I could come up with. Now these do not involve my mini man, not because he is not important but because these things need to happen so that I can be fully present and enjoy the togetherness that we get to share every day.

Now I know that it might be daunting to try to find time for any of this. But I have found out a few things that work for me to ensure that I get some of this time.

Do not use nap time to run around doing a bunch of different things. Pick a cleaning or organizing or laundry project, get it started or finish it up, make sure it isn’t a huge job, and then spend some time doing on of the “I” items.
Stay up later. My hubby has a very early morning job so he ends up going to bed early, I spend some time with him before he goes to sleep and then I stay up for an hour or to doing the “I” items.
Have hubby put the little one to bed. This works out great for us so that I can make sure and get some exercise time.
We set a date night and stick with it.

These are just a few things, mostly to be able to spark some of your own creativity. I know that it can be difficult, I am sure even more so with more children! But it is essential that as we read the articles at API that we remember that without an “I” there is no AP.

Instinctual Parenting

Not to pick on birth boards at all— because I have enjoyed being a part of several— there is a wealth of could-be topics just begging to be written and discussed. Sadly there does not seem to be enough adult etiquette contained in a typical birth board to be able to address touchy issues– to be able to discuss, disagree and learn without injured feelings or just plain anger. I am getting off topic here though…

My most recent adventures in birth-board-land revealed many of the same questions that have been posted over a variety of topics but generally with the same theme, they all go something like this, “is it ok for my LO to have… now?” Now, I am not at all dissing mothers who are asking legit questions about whether or not their little one should be eating/drinking this or that. Us first time moms especially have a plethora of questions about what “should” and “should not” be done. Sometimes I think that I must be a bit odd and a few times I have just been plain nervous that maybe I have missed the mommy boat somewhere and am swimming in some other kind of ocean all together. Why, you may ask, would I ask that? Because I have not asked those questions. I didn’t ask when or if I could feed my child eggs, peanut butter, OJ, milk, yogurt, etc. It honestly did not even cross my mind!

So I come to my topic and how this connects with AP, though this may more be a topic of discussion other than anything else. If you practice AP does your parenting become more instinctual? Continue reading “Instinctual Parenting”

Why AP?

This post addresses a sensitive topic, and therefore might generate some strong emotions.

I am a very vocal advocate of attachment parenting and the consequences that impact our lives if we choose not to fully attach to, and be attached to by, our children.

As I sit holding my 14 1/2 month old son, he turns and gives me his slobbery kisses. As I read about ways to guide him, to use discipline gently as he is learning to throw fits, and how he has somehow figured out how to hit (how do they learn that?) I am in continual awe of the attachment between us. It is something tangible. It was forged as we walked through pregnancy together and “talked” to each other. Forged as we birthed together and were carried through the ring of fire, as we slept together, ate together, and continue on this lifelong learning adventure together. We are like stem and leaf, firmly attached and yet at the same time not restricted or restrained by it, but it has made us free to grow. Continue reading “Why AP?”

The long-term goal

I was browsing my birth board on a site where I have visited since I found out I was pregnant back in the summer of ’07. One of the titles caught my eye, it read something like this “AP parents are you sorry that you did it? I AM!” the rest of the post read more or less the same. The writer was sorry that she had ever practiced APing. She states that she has a “monster” on her hands (at just 15 months old) and that it is the fault of APing, the fault of breastfeeding, baby wearing, non-CIO, and responding quickly to her child. She stated that “they” (other people, friends, doctor etc.) had said this was the “best” way to do things and now it was backfiring, and she is angry. Continue reading “The long-term goal”

Healthy Fear and Careful Responses

We have arrived home again. I can’t believe the difference it has made. Allow me to give a little background information.

My son has traveled for 8 of the 15 months of his life. We have just recently come back from a 3 week trip. My community travels very often, the trips anywhere from several days to several months in length. We are a performing arts team, a work crew and an extended family (which includes family +).

My son is constantly surrounded by close people that he knows and trusts. He is not a particularly social child. Even though he is chatting and usually fairly smiley, the smile and conversation are not an invitation to play!

Our most recent trip, the one we just returned to home base from, was to Kansas and then a couple of weeks in Sioux Falls SD for a music festival. My boy is very busy and kept me chasing him all day, every day, with the exception of nap time! Thank goodness for my community at these times as people are happy to give me short breaks when necessary; it sometimes saves my sanity. We had many people in and out of our camp during these couple of weeks, old and new friends. Of course who can resist the crazy smile, dirty hands and face, tousled blond hair and the hearty laugh of a toddler?

When my son is approached by someone he does not know he is shy and hides behind whoever is close to him that he knows well. If the subject is pushed he starts to cry. Sometimes hysterically. I was told many times this week by, I am sure, well-meaning people that he “needs to get over it” or “needs to get out more” (which is an amusing statement considering how we live). I, on the other hand, am not concerned. I am actually happy under our unique circumstances that my son does not go to complete strangers. I do not have to worry that he will be overly friendly or that I will have to warn him about people he does not know. On the other hand I do not want him to be afraid of people, especially friends, I have to calmly reassure him without pressuring him to “get to know” someone. To him it is instinctual to steer clear of people he does not know. It is a healthy fear.

Now, on the other hand I have no idea what happened in the self preservation section of my son’s brain because “healthy fear” did not seem to come installed there. While on this last trip we spent a good amount of time on concrete which those of us who have small children know is not an ideal situation for a toddler. There were also a pair of concrete stairs leading down to our camp, a completely fascinating item for my little guy. The most common response from my son to these falls? “Ops.” That’s it. Now in this area I have had to carefully contain myself. I have to measure my response to these events and wait on how my child is responding to the event before I do. If it is as “ops” situation I have to swallow my initial run and cuddle response and allow him to continue his play, lending him a reassuring smile. I have to put my own reactions and emotions to the situation aside and learn from my son how he needs me to respond.

Sometimes it is necessary for me to take action, then it is comfort and cuddle time and I am rewarded for the newly acquired stress-moment grey hairs by chubby little arms around my neck and his newest response, sopping wet baby lip kisses that he reserves, just for mom.

All in all I am happy to be off the concrete and we are both happy to be surrounded by those we know and love. We are happy to be home.