Trying

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I used to chuckle just a little bit when people said that they were “trying” to have a baby. I mean, didn’t anyone ever teach them about sex? You do it. You get pregnant. Not always right away, but it does happen unless there is a problem. If there is a problem, then you might need a little help.

Well, that is what I thought.

I came by that thought fairly honestly. My mother never had any trouble getting pregnant; I was a honeymoon baby and so was my son.

I thought that getting pregnant with the second one would be just as “easy.” We didn’t even consider “trying”, we just went about our normal lives and…. nothing. I know that there are those of you who have experienced this; some with your first, some with your second or more. But, I really couldn’t imagine how we could be pregnant immediately with our son but now it has been, well, a while, and nothing!

We have tried many different things, but we are not willing to go medical at this point. I know my body well and there isn’t anything wrong. I know what the diagnosis would be, “unexplained” they would say. Plus I do have to admit that I am a little bit anti-establishment.

I look at my son and I am so grateful for him and at the same time I am wishing for another. Sometimes I think that I am so selfish. My little boy is beautiful. I love him like crazy. But I still want another one. My little dude has his cousins to play with; he won’t be alone. But I still want another one. From the time I was young, the thing that I wanted to be was the mother of several children and suddenly I am having to face the reality that I really may have only one child.

I have had to work very hard to not let the disappointment saturate my life, especially the relationships with my husband and son. I remind myself almost daily that they are also the fulfillment of what I wanted to be, a wife and a mother. I am both and they are the reason I am both. I have had to “self-talk” to remind myself that all of this is a gift and that squandering any of it by wishing for something else is not only ungrateful, but harmful to my little family.

I am the barometer of our family. I read how my family is feeling and adjust our daily lives around that. I am also usually the one to set the emotional atmosphere for our small family. If I am upset pretty soon both my guys will be upset; if I am sad, they will become sad, etc. The good thing is that I can see how close we all are, how attached, but the bad part of it is that I have to be very choosy about when and how I express my disappointment or frustration, which has to happen sometimes, because done wrongly it is damaging to them.

I would like you all to feel free to share your stories.

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Author: Jasmine Carlson

Jasmine is a community living mama with a passion for fierce writing and fitness. She her way on Team USA by fitness coaching. Shaping Her. (www.shapingher.com) Join the conversation at (www.facebook.com/ShapingHer)

11 thoughts on “Trying”

  1. It took three years to get pregnant with our first and then one day, Surprise! We found out we were six weeks pregnant. (turns out my left ovary does not ovulate, and the right one does sporadically) We had a complication free pregnancy and birth with our now four year old son.
    Then a year and a half later I started to bleed heavily and went to the Dr. They told me I was pregnant, I knew I was miscarrying. Turns out it was an ectopic pregnancy in my right tube. It went undiagnosed and ruptured. I lost my right tube due to too much damage, and in order to stop the hemmoraging. After that, I was told in the future, our best chances would be in-vitro for natural born children since I lost the tube on my functioning ovary.
    Then this past summer we got the most wonderful shock of our lives and found out we were five weeks pregnant! I thought I was having symptoms of early menopause (with the non working ovaries, i am at risk for that). Turns out, my left ovary finally decided to wake up and work! (no fertility drugs). We are so excited to welcome our surprise baby in the spring!
    Keep your hopes up and good luck!

  2. OMG- Thank you for this story! I felt like I was reading my story. While it did take us a year to have our first child, our son, we are now going on a year and a half of trying to have a second. I try not get too discouraged because obviously, we were able to have a child at one point. I struggle with trying not to blame my husband as he is 7 years older, smokes, and often is “too tired”.

    No on in my family has had any problems with getting pregnant and most of their pregnancies were unplanned (and at times, unwanted). My sister-in-law also has had 5 children (and 6 pregnancies). At the same time, I spent most of my life thinking I wanted to adopt a child as well. Now that we are faced with the possibility of not having a choice in the matter, it saddens me. I struggle with the decision that IF we are not able to have more, will we go the medical/fertility route? Will we adopt? or is my son going to be an only child? We are both in the medical professions and still we do not believe that medicine can solve all our problems. Today, I go to my first fertility consultation appointment.

  3. I, too, consider myself to be “anti-establishment,” but my desire to be a mother was greater than my rejection of societal norms. After 4 years of consistent, persistent natural “trying,” we turned to an infertility specialist for help with my “unexplained” issues. My body was pumped full of fertility drugs, invaded by tests and procedures, and I suffered an ectopic and miscarriage along the way. It soon became clear IVF was our only option and, by the grace of medical science and technology, my miracle baby was conceived. It was a struggle from the beginning-a difficult conception, a complicated, high risk pregnancy, ending in a traumatic premature birth… of a gorgeous, healthy baby girl who is now a charismatic toddler and I’d do it all over again. Luckily, we don’t have to as this past Spring my body flipped infertility the bird and surprised us with a natural pregnancy. I’m now 34 weeks along. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction.

    Ultimately, you have to do what makes you comfortable and what you and your family can handle…. physically, emotionally, financially. I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make. Good luck!

  4. We had a similar thing. Our daughter, we were pregnant the first month we were married. Then major infertility. We tested sperm count just in case, it was fine. Finally we decided to go on with our lives. Well, 11 years after our daughter, we got the biggest shock of our lives, I was actually pregnant again and had our son. I’m not trying to make you sad, but to give you hope that sometimes it ‘just happens’ again, when you least expect it 😉

  5. Hi,

    are you still training for tri/bi-athalon? I have heard that being extremely lean/thin and a lot of exercise can reduce your chances of getting pregnant because your body is so busy doing other things it doesn’t have energy to make a baby. You could try taking it easy for a while and putting on a few pounds (estrogen is stored in fat) and see if that helps. Best of luck! 🙂

  6. It took us over two years to conceive our son. I, like you, assumed you just tossed the contraception and BAM! pregnant. But no.

    What helped me was to remember that I wasn’t the only one making this decision – and neither was my husband. We were also waiting for the soul of our child to be ready. One day he was and now he’s here, refusing to nap.

    And do not feel bad about wanting another child. It does not make you selfish. It does not diminish the importance of your son. All it means is that someone still hasn’t showed up for the party, and when that day comes…everyone will benefit.

    Good luck!

  7. I got pregnant with my daughter on the first month we managed to get the timing right. With my son, it took 8 months.

    In the end, I went to a naturopath. I was diagnosed with low progesterone, which was a conclusion I had come to on my own. I used a progesterone cream, and the next cycle it happened.

    I understand your reluctance to ‘go medical’. Certainly, many people do, and do not have positive results. But there are alternatives, and sometimes someone can help.

  8. I have one baby & she’s not yet a year so I’ve barely had time to start wondering if/when our #2 might come along (afterall, she still nurses every 4 hours…) But I loved your closing comments about being the barometer of your family, and the one to set the emotional tone. That is me in my little family, too. And I have always sort-of seen it as a burden. When do I get to cry? Be sad? Let my uncomfortable emotions well, just be visible? I have to be so very choosy. But I loved the way you expressed it — almost like you are the keeper of the emotional well being of your family. That is beautiful. Hard work at times… but a beautiful thing to be able to do. So thank you for sharing that.

  9. I feel your pain, frustration and anger toward yourself! I’m in the same boat right now! My husband keeps saying how he’d like to have another baby, and wonders why it isn’t happening. We are having sex twice a week at the least and I just know that somethings off in my body. I know it sounds weird, but I feel that if I smarten up, eat healthy and exercise more frequently {as opposed to my “none” right now} that we would get pregnant.

    Our son was born 18 months ago, and he was a pre-wedding baby! We were pregnant a month previous to our marriage, and it happened only a month off of my birth-control. So I know my body doesn’t normally have fertility issues, but I also know that at the time I was eating properly and exercising 5 days a week. I think for myself, my body functions better when it’s not so “bogged down” with bad chemicals, bad food and bad choices! Maybe I feel guilty and it stops me? Who knows!

    I wish you much luck, and I will pray for both of us! <3

  10. I am glad to hear from all of you on the subject! And yes, I have started to mellow out my workout routine per my midwife’s suggestion. I am hoping/praying for us both as well Stephanie!

  11. Oh My – I could have written this!
    My daughter was conceived the month before we started trying and will be four this spring. Meanwhile, we have been ‘trying’ for a year and a half. It is the loneliest, most isolating thing I have ever done.
    My natuapath diagnosed me with low thyroid function, and that might explain it… but it’s been since summer, and still nothing!
    It’s a heartbreaking struggle – and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one.

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