Unconditional Parenting/Teaching

[KaitlynsMamma]

Hi

I have read Alfie Kohns Unconditional Parenting and we agree with a good portion of what he is saying and want to implement his ideas. It can be hard, when we watch DD do something new to NOT say anything or we'll try to say something descriptive such as "you did it" or "You got the ball in the basket all by yourself!" or "you stacked those blocks high"... I have a couple of ponderings ... if we sound excited "You did it!! " is that a type of praise? i want to show interest and sometimes some of the UP stuff almost comes across to me as too much "hands off" if that makes sense.

Secondly, how do you teach ... for example, we do sign language for DD. So, when she sees a ball and signs ball we usually say "thats right" in moderately happy voice. Is that appropriate ... if not, how do you give feedback on teaching type of things?

TIA

[Kelly]

Hi, I love that book too! And yes, it can be hard to find ways to apply his ideas, but it sounds like you're putting a lot of thought onto it and are on the right track.

Originally Posted by KaitlynsMamma

... if we sound excited "You did it!! " is that a type of praise? i want to show interest and sometimes some of the UP stuff almost comes across to me as too much "hands off" if that makes sense.

It does make sense, and I've heard that from parents before regarding Kohn's UP. I've felt it, too, in my own parenting. But I think that the excitement in your voice when you say things like "you did it!" is encouragement as opposed to praise. It's genuine excitement for your child in the things they are learning. It's encouraging for children to hear excitement...other people's exciement doesn't say "I am pleased with you", it says "I'm happy for you". And of there's any ambiguity, you can always follow up with, "you must feel so proud of yourself!"

Originally Posted by KaitlynsMamma

Secondly, how do you teach ... for example, we do sign language for DD. So, when she sees a ball and signs ball we usually say "thats right" in moderately happy voice. Is that appropriate ... if not, how do you give feedback on teaching type of things?

Yes, I think that's appropriate...it's an encouraging form of "you got it!" Much different than "good girl, here's reward for getting that answer right". Teaching children means we have to be able to give affirmations in the same way we'd give corrections & redirections. So sometimes we're going to have to say, "Yes, that's a ball!" with encouragement and excitement in our voice. With UP, I think it's always important to focus on the effort & accomplishment, rather than a simple form of praise.

But I think you probably already know that, and I think it's great that you're giving this so much thought! Good job! (ha ha ) Seriously though, thanks for such thoughtful questions!

[naomifrederickmd]

I do try to combine Kohn's ideas with NVC, which can be a bit contradictory if you think too hard about it.

On one hand you certainly don't want a child to play (learn etc) a certain way just to amuse or delight YOU (parent or other adult) but on the other hand we do live together in a family unit and a community. It is a fine line sometimes. I think it is important to use both techniques modified for the age and personality of the child, activity and parents intention. It is VERY easy to overthink this...my brain is hurting just trying to type this!

[connerleesmom]

I have UP, but haven't read it yet. One of the reasons is the whole praise thing. I guess I should read it first, so I know exactly what he's talking about, but I just find it hard to understand. I know we don't want our children to do things only to please us, but what is wrong with them doing that sometimes? Don't we all like to please other people? Especially people in our family that we are close to? I don't see anything wrong with that. And I know as an adult I like to be praised. I want my boss to tell me I did a good job. I don't get it. I will read the book though!

[Kelly]

Yes, definitely read the book. I consider it a must-read parenting book...it's one of my 4 "staple" books that I refer to, and refer to others. And yes, it can be hard to digest at first....well, maybe not difficult so much as foreign. It can be a strange concept at first (the idea of doing away with praise), but Kohn presents it so convincingly and with such strong research that it does make sense. It changed my view on parenting; I immediately wanted to start making changes in the way I do things that would teach my children internal motivation and self-worth.

Also, any other parenting book about positive parenting, positive discipline, attachment-based, connected parenting, etc. is based on unconditionality. None of API's recommended books include any that are based on praise/ rewards and punishment/ consequences. Unconditionality is the heart of a connected relationship, and positive discipline as well.

If you and yoru husband read the book or watch Kohn's presentation on DVD, it will provide a very interesting conversation starter between the two of you! When my husband watched the DVD (why are husband so reluctant to read parenting books? ), he disagreed with a lot of what Kohn was saying, but we had a very enlightening conversation about our parenting goals, values & ultimately approaches. We came to our own conclusion about where we stand within the realm of Unconditioal Parenting, and we got closer to the same page on an approach to parenting.

[PaxMamma]

Originally Posted by connerleesmom

I have UP, but haven't read it yet. One of the reasons is the whole praise thing. I guess I should read it first, so I know exactly what he's talking about, but I just find it hard to understand. I know we don't want our children to do things only to please us, but what is wrong with them doing that sometimes? Don't we all like to please other people? Especially people in our family that we are close to? I don't see anything wrong with that. And I know as an adult I like to be praised. I want my boss to tell me I did a good job. I don't get it. I will read the book though!

If you feel you are needing praise from others, ask yourself what the need is behind that desire. Is it acceptance? affirmation? self-worth or esteem? Kelly did a great job ( ) explaining unconditionality, i will further add that the point in UP is raising children whose internal needs are met and, therefore, ultimately do things because it is being the most true to themselves and honoring to others, not due to an unmet need. Kohn discusses how praise may offer a quick fix for many of our unmet needs, but only unconditionality truly fulfills them.

I will add that I have been practicing UP in the context of AP for almost 7 years and both of my children have incredible self-esteem. My oldest really thinks the world of himself So children raised w/out praise do turn out magnificently.

[connerleesmom]

I don't like praise from others because of an unmet need. Everybody likes to be told thery're doing a good and to feel appreciated. What if your husband told you he thought you were a great mother? Should he not say that because it's praise? Will it be harmful for him to tell you you're doing a good job? I think it's natural for kid's to want to please their parents. I don't see anything wrong with that as long as that's not their only motivation. I do love my son unconditionally. I just like the look of happiness he gets when he accomplishes something. Shouldn't it be acknowledged that he's done well?

[Kelly]

Originally Posted by PaxMamma

My oldest really thinks the world of himself

I love this!

I think that paxmama and naomifrederickmd have made some great comments, and I would echo what they both said...definitely read the book & come back with more questions!