To go away or not- need advice!

mommakikiz

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- Join Date: Dec 2008
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To go away or not- need advice!

#1

12-30-2008, 09:31 PM

I'm wondering whether my husband and I should go away this weekend or not. Here's the background...

I am a stay at home mother of a 2 1/2 year old. She has always been especially attached to me, although I have done a pretty good job of getting her to depend on others. She's very social and usually does well with others when I leave to go somewhere for a couple hours. I usually go to the Y and leave her in the babysitting for an hour and half eveyr day. I have been away from her overnight on a few occasions, when she was either home with her father or at a close relative's house. Those times have ALWAYS gone well. She always seems to adjust and have fun.

So I would not be too worried about this weekend except that I just went away 3 weeks prior for a weekend. She was home with her daddy and had a great time. But tonight when I was putting her to bed she said she missed me when I went to the eye doctor today and that she also missed me when I went away 3 weeks ago. Now that she brought that up I don't know if it may be too soon to go away again. It is only one overnight. But it's also her first time every staying at my father's house, who she has always adored but has been a little hot and cold on lately. If she were staying with my sister, who is her favorite now, who also has a whole room decorated just for her, filled with toys, I would be more comfortable.

This is an unexpected overnight away that my inlaws surprised us with for Christmas. We could go another time but because of schedules it won't happen for a few months.

Another factor is that in a few weeks I will start yoga teacher training that will keep me away for 10 hour days 3 days in a row. I don't want her to get emotionally confused or to feel desserted by my going away two times close together and then starting this new program.

Any advice, experience or opinions anyone can give are welcome! Thanks!
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PaxMamma

Forum Administrator and Casualty of Love
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#2

12-31-2008, 07:16 AM

it sounds to me like you've answered your own question. you're listening to your daughter's cares and concerns and have a small voice questioning your decision to go. perhaps these are your instincts telling you that waiting may be a good idea. but only you can decide.
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naomifrederickmd

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#3

12-31-2008, 07:23 AM

I think you hear her feelings and this time its different for her.
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connerleesmom

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#4

12-31-2008, 10:04 AM

I think your instincts and your daughter are telling you this might not be a good time to go away especially since she said she missed you when you left 3 weeks ago and when you went to the eye doctor.

Good luck with your decision.
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mommakikiz

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- Join Date: Dec 2008
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#5

12-31-2008, 11:34 AM

still confused

Thank you guys for your advice! I really appreciate it.

I am still confused though. My instincts are actually leaning both ways. I am always a little nervous when I leave her, and even though she says she misses me she always has a great time and rarely mentions me when I'm gone. So I don't know if my nervousness is just because I always over-worry, or if it's because I am hearing something from her that I should acknowledge. In general lately she has been into using the phrase "I missed you" with lots of people. Sometimes it's hard to tell if it's just a toddler thing that's she's working on figuring out or if it's something that would really bother her. Usually I think it's good for her to spend time with others and learn that she can be happy with other people than me, and she seems to be confident about that, and I think that I am a more refreshed mom when I come back. But this time being so close to the last, and it being at a new place, make me nervous.

So you can see I am really riding the fence on this one! I don't want to let over-worrying cloud my decision, nor do I want my strong desire to go away cloud my decision either! I will take your ideas into consideration. If you have any other comments or replies I'd still be glad to hear them!
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naomifrederickmd

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#6

12-31-2008, 12:48 PM

Is there any way you can lesson the separation... Taking her and a sitter with you, only staying away part of the time etc.
Is your husband pressuring you? Will your in-laws be disappointed?

Do you want us to just tell you that she may not miss you that much so go have fun! Well, she might have a rotten time or a wonderful time. Only you can decide how much you are willing to bet one way or the other.

It is rarely just black or white these decisions.
Are you willing to gamble that she dosn't really want you that I miss You "it is just something she says to people"?

Do you believe that she could be having a particular needy time?
I do think it is significant that this will be a new location and a new caregiver(?) I know this weekend sounds great, but at what cost to your daughter?

If you decide to go please think of a way to respect her attachment with a middle ground.
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mommakikiz

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#7

01-03-2009, 07:39 PM

Thank you so much for your honest reply! You're right I was really wishing to find a black and white answer, but that wasn't possible with this one. I did decide to go. No one was pressuring me, but I thought the benefit of me going on this occasion was great enough to give it a try. What I was going to do was truly important. I had gotten very bogged down and needed to break out of that. Also, I mentioned it to my daughter and her first reaction was "Oh yeah!" She has been talking about staying over at her Papa's house for several weeks now so I was hoping she would feel confident about doing so. Yesterday morning when we were getting ready to go she did start saying she was going to miss us.

I tried to find as middle a ground as possible- like you said- or at least make it the best it possibly could be for her. I packed up just about all of her special toys, videos, art activities, stuffed animals, etc. so that she would be surrounded by special things from home. When she said she was going to miss me I let her pick a photo out of the photo album to bring with her and told her she could call me whenever she wanted to talk. I decided we should come home tonight in time to put her to bed.

Yesterday she was happy all day long and went to bed well, but woke up in the middle of the night. She went back to sleep securely with my father's help, but was tired and more fussy today. She definitely missed us. But she seemed quite fine when we put her to bed. I wish I could read into her mind and heart to see how she feels but hopefully her behavior will tell this week. I'll make sure to be extra attentive.

Thanks again for your advice - I value your input!
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naomifrederickmd

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#8

01-03-2009, 08:02 PM

I am sorry if I got a little assertive, but maybe that helps sometimes with issues, to really get down to a level?

I am glad your weekend went well, and you were still able to find ways to be responsive to her needs!

It is always very hard, pushing that envelope, pushing a child out of their comfort zone. There are ways to help that transition, when transitions are needed, and I think you mentioned many ways to help a child through them!

Your daughter is lucky to have such a thoughtful, caring mother!
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