..is this abuse? I feel like I spanked her in a way, when she said it had hurt her back when I did that....

Reggie22,
Give yourself some s!! We all do things we regret. It sounds like you are doing your very best. You recognize your triggers and you are committed to being a good mom. The great thing about AP is that we can always push the "reset" button. I highly recommend the book "Connection Parenting". I think you will find meaningful tools for how to "do-over" when you make mistakes and to continue to build your relationship with your daughter.

...will get that book. not sure what one earth was wrong with me yesterday afternoon?? seriously been doing so good and feeling content/positive and all that jazz... just felt extremely annoyed and irritated all afernoon with her and her whinning.... even though I intellectually understand it .... sooo at a loss why I was so uptight yesterday, not even PMS! I feel this is a v v v horrible thing to have done.... thanks Paz Mamma though!

Oh, mama, I appreciate you so much for how honest you were in this post. I have felt so many times similar to you in regretting things I do and wondering what the hell happens sometimes when I'm in the midst of working on a positive day (which is sometimes really really hard for me) and I just lose my mind. And the regrets . . . oh, the regrets. I could cry about them for days.

So, I want to say, from one mama to another, you are not a pig and/or abusive. You had a moment, and your wisdom will come in continuing to learn about yourself through it. Sometimes I find myself so distracted by the after-guilt of something I've done that I miss the opportunity to really look inward and connect with what's happening for me. And to give myself space for forgiveness, which comes very, very hard. There is a book called Radical Self-Forgiveness by Colin Tipping that I've been meaning to get, and I wonder if that would be a good fit for you too?

I had a couple of thoughts in a couple of different directions, so here I go.

(1) Have you ever tried Bach Rescue Remedy for stress? I find that it helps a lot . . . a few drops a few times a day when I know it's possible I am in "that place" or that it could be a short trip. It's a real smoothing out thing for me.
(2) I take Sepia 30c (homeopathic) 2 pellets up to 6-7 times a day or as little as twice a day to keep me balanced. It's for exactly those type of symptoms you describe, and when I find myself being "snappy" and knowing that it's potentially leading me in a direction that I don't want to go, I am more diligent about taking it. It's frequency, not amount, that counts, so 2 pellets several times a day or just a couple times a day might work well for you. Not sure.
(3) Do you have the books Momma Zen and Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting? Both of these have been my bibles for parenting, not in the sense of practicalities but in addressing the inner things I battle and worry about. They have been wonderful reference books for me and I've connected with the stories in such profound ways.

The other thing I wanted to mention is using every opportunity as one for reconnection and making the aftermath a teaching moment. I'm blessed to have a wonderful naturopath who is intuitive and grounded. When I go into her office describing myself as a "monster" for something I've done, she always reminds me of two things: (1) Karma: She reminds me that my daughter and I were meant to be together as mother and daughter for both of our karmic paths and that the journey is hers, mine, ours, and that there are reasons we were put together. That always makes me sigh with relief. (2) She reminds me about the power of teaching my daughter that I, too, have emotions that sometimes are intense and powerful, just like hers, and that sometimes I have a hard time knowing how to handle them too. So, the apologies and explanations and the amazing, wonderful power of these little hearts to forgive and move forward and start to understand our humanity, and ultimately their own, sometimes shine through these awful, burning moments that never seem to be able to leave my mind.

I hope you can find healing for yourself and your daughter. I'm not sure if your situation is like mine, but my daughter is so raw and honest about her feelings that it cuts me to the core, especially when I've behaved in a way that I'm ashamed of. But someone remarked to me once that they hope to live in a world like the one my daughter lives in because of her brutal honesty and open heart, and I figured if her heart is that open, her capacity for forgiveness and understanding and learning is probably wonderfully high, especially for me, her mother, whom I know she loves so very much.

I hope you can rest assured that you are human, you make mistakes, and parenting is not easy when you care as much as we do. It cuts you to areas you didn't know existed. Just use it as best you can to continue growing . . . that's what I try to do. And it's four steps forward, two back, you know how that goes. And I hope the next time I royally screw up and post something about my terrible indiscretions, you are there to give me a pep talk ; )

Hang in there . . . I hope something I've said has helped. I know it helped me to know that I'm not the only person that struggles with similar things. Thanks again for sharing. It takes courage.

XO
Corinne

Delaney's Mum - thank you so very much. I really appreciate your honesty too and for empathizing so much and for taking time to write such a thoughtful and detailed response, on many levels.

This has been the hardest journey ever and sometimes I get so, so sad about it.

Really struggle with the exhausting effects of meltdowns.

I really, really wish I could be more effective and 'in the moment' with these moments.

She had one last night - overtired and beside herself. I just didn't know what to do....

Anyway, I will try Rescue Remedy and Sepia and the books... thank you so, so much!!

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