i think you just described the problem yourself. you spoil her and then when you try to exert some control, she bucks. so maybe she's trying to find her boundaries and reach for some consistency.

She does have consistency, I always give in ROFL

But yeah I know, but it's been so complicated.

Do I ignore how upset she gets when you say no? It's so sad to see her so upset. Every bone in my body wants to just snuggle her and never say no again.

If I wasn't struggling with this I wouldn't have posted

i know you've been in a bit of a unique situation, i don't mean to minimize it. i don't think ignoring is ever the answer. but when you MUST say 'no', empathize. "i know you REALLY wanted that! you're upset! can i hold you?"

the emotional breakdowns are something fierce. And last for sometimes hours afterwards. Do you think they will pass after a while?

This is not something I've ever seen in kids, ever so it's hard to know how to handle it

hours? that must be tough! i'm not experienced with that either. i don't think i've ever worked with a child, or my own, that has lasted more than an hour, and those that last longer have typically been with children who have underlying conditions like ASD.

it's possible she has anxiety/fears from the sickness and hospital stays. i'd recommend taking her to a good, qualified child therapist.

she has HUGE anxiety from the hospital visits which is why I tend to give in all the time.

I have people pointing the "you spoiled her so now you pay" finger but I think it's very hard if you haven't had a child at the hospital all the time and who is very upset by it all. KWIM?

maybe I am making no sense.

She is hugely afraid of strangers. Until recently even daddy was a no no. Even now if he tries to discipline her at all she freaks out. Stays upset with him for hours, then I need to go to the loo or (big shocker) want a few mins to do something and she won't go to him, she clings to me. It's not like he's being mean to her or anything.

she's 15 months old, what would a therapist do besides make her cry?

I just moved a few weeks ago and my 2-year-old has been very "clingy," for lack of a better word. She wants only me, I can not go out of her sight, etc., a lot of what you're describing -- even becoming very upset for hours if someone is upset with her.

What I have found that helps is to give her what she wants, as far as time with Mommy -- cosleeping, lots of holding, lots of one-on-one attention. She needs to feel more connected to feel more balanced. This may help you.

This doesn't mean that you tiptoe around her so she doesn't get upset. If I must say no, and she does get very upset -- tantrum that I know could last hours -- I take her to a separate room with me present and I let her be upset. It's hard to take, but you're providing as much comfort as you can in helping her deal with her upset emotions -- without giving in and going back on your no. My daughter hates to be held, touched, talked-to, etc. during these moments. Just screams and hits and stomps her feet -- even more if I try to do something comforting. What she needs is for me to be there during her emotional storm and especially when her emotional storm finally dies down. She just needs to be heard.

we're doing the contact stuff of course, bed sharing, nursing on demand, babywearing (although she wants to walk, but it makes shopping take forever! LOL)

She gets as much attention as she could want, I'm usually on line these days when she just ignores me to go play

I'm hoping it's just a "phase"

yes, you're making sense. i'm not an expert, but it's possible the avoidance of strangers is completely unrelated to the hospital anxiety. we get lots of posts about kids who freak out around other people or who only want mom. i think that's developmental. as far as therapy goes, of course i wouldn't take her to someone who just makes her cry, that wouldn't be "good" or "qualified". i was thinking it would be more of a partnership with you as mom, to give you ideas on how to work things out with her, not drop her off in a room w/a stranger.

i had a son who had 6 surgeries in his 6th year. it is so hard to watch them go through all that.

i dont like the idea that kids are spoiled. fruit spoils.

my 3.5 year old son is afraid of strangers too...at least for a little while. i dont think that is unusual. as far daddy, maybe she is just finding peace with you and clinging to you b/c of the hospital issues. i dont know but i think working on spending time w/ daddy and you, and empahsizing how much daddy cares woudl be a good way to approach that.

can you give examples of when she screams and cries? are there ways to rearrange your "rules' that will miimize her being told no? thats basically what we do w my 3.5 year old and it has reduced the amount of TT"s my younger ones have had. sometimes all they hear is no.

I get the feeling that there are intense feelings on both sides - she is experiencing them and so are you. You seem to have strong feelings related to her being sick and hospitalized. She is exhibiting feelings and behaviors that are common for a toddler, but might also be connected to her history. Not an easy line to navigate!

I have a 2 year old and a 15 month old, so I can empathize completely with the screaming and the separation issues. My 15 month old only recently began tolerating her dad (my husband). And she has stopped crying when strangers make eye contact. She has had a very Attached Family childhood with no separations/hospitalizations, and she also has had a HUGE issue with anyone-but-mommy. It is improving, though! It just takes time.

My 15 month old does not scream, but my 2 year old does. It sounds silly, but I say to her, "I can't hear you when you're screaming. I need your voice to be calm like mine." And I will model how to ask for whatever she is screaming about.

My children don't have tantrums that last for hours, but I used to be a foster parent to a 2-year old who did. I just had to let her experience those feelings. I was with her, close to her, and I told her, "When you're ready, come cuddle" or "We can talk when you stop screaming" many times. Eventually, she'd say, "I done now," she'd wipe her face and march on with the day. She did have prenatal drug exposure as well as multiple foster homes (we were her 5th), so there were special issues that contributed to her very intense behaviors. I did not, however, indulge her with candy or presents or give into what she was screaming about. For me, I didn't see that as parenting with love. It wasn't teaching her, nor would it have helped her. So I was fully present with her and we just had to weather the tantrum storm together. It was SO hard, but after a few months with us, her tantrums totally disappeared. Totally and completely. She had days that were more challenging than others, but the all-out-tantrum completely went away. It might have gone away faster, but she went away from us on the weekends for overnight visitation with a family member. So her world was still a little unpredictable.

Oh - I wanted to add about the daddy disciplining - I don't know why but both my girls do the same thing. If daddy says no (even if it is in a loving, gentle voice) they get their feelings SO hurt and they cry. I've been trying to teach him how to do a distract/redirect sequence instead of saying no. They do better if he can distract them from what they're doing/wanting and then redirect their attention to something else. I try to limit my "No" saying as well. If my 2-year-old is throwing toys, I tell her, "Ooops! We throw balls, we don't throw books. Let's find a ball to throw." That kind of stuff.

Sorry for the rambling post. It is laaaate at night and I should be off to bed but had to respond to you.

Take Care!