Hi, try to make sure your caps lock is not on next time you write because it looks like you are SCREAMING!

I ,too, have a typical 4 yr old! Yes, that is what you have!

A few questions.
What is your goal in your relationship with her?
Do you want to respect each other and each others needs?
Do you want her to immediately do what you ask?
Do you want her to speak to you kindly?
Do you feel as if you have lost a connection to her?


I feel from reading your post that she feels distance from you.
I guess she feels like everything you say is a negative to her.
I think that seeing things from her point of view will help heal your relationship and improve communication skills. It seems like you may also be under extra stress, so your needs are not being met either.

Here are a few online article I recommend for your situation.
Click for links
Children, Chores, and Drudgery
by Patty Wipfler
Power Struggles Dissolve with Laughter
by Patty Wipfler

Managing Your Own Anger
What to do When You Want to Have a Tantrum
by API Staff & Tricia Jalbert
API News, June 2000

Teaching Through Love Instead of Fear
by Pam Leo

"Attachment Parenting and Nonviolent Communication" by Inbal Kashtan

Sometimes I see my son get 'bogged down' and I try to have a reset day where he gets to pick most of what we do. This with a lot of hugs, great eye contact and a less stressed Mommy (I have very low expectations that day!) add up to our relationship improving and him feeling better about life. Think of it like a date with your spouse, a relationship enrichment.

Please come back and ask more questions!

my oldest went through the "you're hurting my feelings" phase, too. i would try to respond in a way that recognized that he had feelings and thank him for expressing them. something like "you're upset because we have to leave the park. i understand this hurts your feelings. we'll be able to come back soon."

as for the screaming, responding in a voice that's almost a whisper can help de-escalate the noise. "you're hurting my ears, can you please talk softer?" if she doesn't respond to this, you can say "i'll wait in the other room for you to come talk to me calmly. you're feelings are important to me and i want to hear them." when she is calm, make sure you communicate your feelings, too. "it hurts my feelings when you scream at me. i get so angry. i would appreciate it if you talked to me nicer."

modeling the kinds of responses you want can go a long way, too. "oh, you're hungry, how about 'would you please make me a sandwich?'. " don't demand she say these words, go ahead and get her something to eat, just interject what you'd like to hear. then, when you want something for her, model what you want "could you please hand me that book?"

sometimes children at this age just have adult-sized feelings, but such little bodies to try to handle them. i know it's hard to not react, but this is often a great opportunity for us as adults to increase our patience and empathy. we are, after all, learning, too.

Sounds like she might be pretty angry/upset. Diffusing some of the anger might help the two of you get to a better place and back on track. I'm sure there are lots of ways to do this but what we find helpful in our family is to play a game where DS calls the shots.

Usually it works best for us if it kind of happens spontaneously, if it is too planned it can seem not genuine or manipulative to DS. For instance DS might get mad if we refuse him a cookie and he might yell out something like "you can't have a cookie either mom". Then I'll act really over the top sad and hurt. I'll cry and whine, demand a cookie, beg, plead, and sulk. (Note: I'm not trying to mimic his behaviour when he's upset. I'm doing my own version of over the top upset in a funny way.) He can usually take the game from here and run. He's the boss, I'm the pawn. He'll say I can have a cookie if I do a dance. I'll do a dance and he'll gleefully refuse me my cookie. I'll cry and whine It goes on and on this way...The things he says and the way he chooses to boss us around can be very informative and give us a little window into his mind. (Especially valuable because he is not very good at talking about his emotions.)

This type of play is described in "Playful Parenting" much better than I ever could. It is also a bit counter intuitive because it seems as if you are asking your child to be mean/bossy/angry. But we have found that it definitely decreases the anger and frustration in our house.

Keep us posted,

I know this is a little late replying to you.. but I think you just described my 4 year old daughter.

what I need to do is to get right down to her eye level and just look her right into her eyes and tell her how I feel about her attitudes towards me. and when she tells me she all we do (daddy and I) is hurt her feelings then I ask her to liston to how she talks to us and let her know that she is hurting our feelings and making us upset. I have learned to turn it around not to think shes the bad one or anything but to let her learn that she is in the wrong and that we are trying to help her behave and all the problems we are having with her.
have you tryed to set some boundrys? I know I do not believe in time outs or spanks cause well thats not how to deal with anything. although we have sent her to her room which is a form of time out but that also gives her some quiet time to think of what she has done. I whistper to her instead of yell.. i have yelled once and I felt like I was not doing the right thing. so I wistper to her now and if shes screaming and throwing a fit she has to stop to liston to me.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with this

stefanie.