Handling criticism for not spanking
At about the time that API was putting its Summer 2008 AP in a Non-AP World issue of The Journal of API together, I was talked with API Co-founders Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker about the part in their book, Attached at the Heart, discussing ways that parents can handle criticism of their AP choices.
I am among those parents who have received criticism, from relatives, church members, pediatricians, strangers in the grocery store, and the list goes on and on. The criticism, thankfully, has died down since my second child joined the family - I guess people think that if I have two kids, I must know a little something about parenting...or maybe I just learned to tune the critics out.
Lately, I've been receiving criticism from members of my church, specifically those of the older generations, about my lack of spanking. Yet, these same people comment on how happy and loving my children are!
It irritates me to no end to hear people go on and on about how spanking is the only effective way to discipline, but then when I point out how my family uses positive discipline, they don't want to hear anything of it. I'm not berating them and accusing them of child abuse...just trying to explain the flip side of the coin. For a long time, I've learned to just ignore these pro-spanking critics, but now, they've become more brazen and are confronting me with my lack of proper "discipline," aka spanking. I really enjoy this church, but to be honest, these in-your-face pro-spankers are starting to push me away.
The problem is, I can't just switch churches to get away from them. While my mom has long given up the argument, other relatives haven't and seem to enjoy trying to get me into a spanking debate with them.
So, how are you able to deal with the outspoken pro-spankers in your life?
I am among those parents who have received criticism, from relatives, church members, pediatricians, strangers in the grocery store, and the list goes on and on. The criticism, thankfully, has died down since my second child joined the family - I guess people think that if I have two kids, I must know a little something about parenting...or maybe I just learned to tune the critics out.
Lately, I've been receiving criticism from members of my church, specifically those of the older generations, about my lack of spanking. Yet, these same people comment on how happy and loving my children are!
It irritates me to no end to hear people go on and on about how spanking is the only effective way to discipline, but then when I point out how my family uses positive discipline, they don't want to hear anything of it. I'm not berating them and accusing them of child abuse...just trying to explain the flip side of the coin. For a long time, I've learned to just ignore these pro-spanking critics, but now, they've become more brazen and are confronting me with my lack of proper "discipline," aka spanking. I really enjoy this church, but to be honest, these in-your-face pro-spankers are starting to push me away.
The problem is, I can't just switch churches to get away from them. While my mom has long given up the argument, other relatives haven't and seem to enjoy trying to get me into a spanking debate with them.
So, how are you able to deal with the outspoken pro-spankers in your life?
I've been hearing things like "I'm not talking about whaling on the kid, but there's absolutely nothing wrong w/ a very light tap." My response idea to that is: "I'm confused, if it's such an inconsequential tap like you describe, how can it be so much more productive and necessary than NOT doing it?" And then sharing the methods you DO believe in. But it sounds like you are already doing something along those lines. I'm not sure how the best way to handle it in the context of your particular church/faith is, but I don't think there is anything wrong with just expressing that you are not interested in discussing the issue - then changing the subject and ignoring any attempts to engage you in a debate. OR - using humor.........When you hear: "Well we all did it w/ our kids and they turned out fine", You can say: "Well I'm setting the bar a bit higher than fine for my children" - if you say it playfully w/ a laugh it will get the message across without sounding rude. No one has ever had a comeback for that one yet! (Not that you should necessarily care about sounding rude - after all THEY are oblivious to tact! Why is it OK for them to offend YOU?)
My goodness. I wish people that find it necessary to throw scripture at others would offer an explanation afterward.
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