Wow, Traci, so much you're going through!! And you can't even vent to those who should be nearest, dearest to you and on the same page as you--namely your mother and husband.

Your story is sad in what you & your daughter are going through, with little or no help. BUT........I can't help but smile knowing that you have a clear head and refuse to give in to mainstream violent quick-fixes. I also am heartened that your daughter is acting up around you--it means she trusts you to be her safe sounding board, ally and friend!!

So much is running through my head to tell you. First, I'll suggest play therapy for your daughter. I took my daughter, after she was showing signs of violence after tension between DH & myself. It hasn''t been that long that we've been going, but it helped both her and me.

Second, I recommend the book "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber and someone else. it helped me enormously, in that it takes the emotions and 'button pushing' out of encounters between parent and child. You become more of an interested party, sort of like a therapist. You get to be the words of emotion for your child. I don't think your daughter knows what words to use, and that might frustrate her even more.

Sometimes when my DD is mad, I just say "wow, you are REALLY MAD!! Sometimes when I get mad I stomp my feet." And I do it, then she does it, then we do it more, then we do karate kicks. Ends up both of us silly and giggling and exhausted. Other times when she's yelling I scream "WHY ARE YOU YELLING LIKE THAT??" in a silly, questioning, frantic way. If she giggles, then i play into that "WHY ARE YOU GIGGLING??" If she doesn't, then I go into that "wow, you seem really mad!" dialogue.

It seems to me that your DD is searching for power over herself and her life, also to be coddled and cuddled like a baby. So, I'm thinking it might help for you to do both of those. As much as possible, hug her and cuddle her and tell her she'll always be your baby. ALSO, take every opportunity to let her do for herself and 'be in charge.' My DS loves to dress himself, so I let him, even if he wears his clothes inside out and his shoes backwards. Some busy-body always has to point this out, to which I always reply "he dressed himself! Isn't that great?" with a big smile on my face. I have my DD take folks on tours of our house, talk on the phone, put on make-up and do her hair with me, pour her own cereal & milk (I put them in a small cup first).

For the shopping trips, I would take her when she is happy & rested and fed, just before you're going to a park or somewhere equally cool and desirable. My DS just had a meltdown in the shopping store Sunday night because he was overtired (my fault). He flipped out over toothbrushes and band-aids. I let him have ONE band-aid and he was happy as a clam, showing everyone. Maybe your DS would like one special treat when shopping?? Or to help you find stuff?? I try to ask my kids what special treat they want, or give them a choice of 2.

Okay, also take care of yourself!! Sounds like you are doing an amazing job with your daughter, single-handledly, might I add! Be good to mama!! Make sure you are getting your essential fatty acids, particularly DHA. I take a supplement, and have noticed a difference. I had the blues pretty bad after my first 2 births, but not with the third. There is evidence that this helps women. Also, go for a walk morning or evening with her -- this will help you both.

Lastly, the only 2 people who matter are you & your DS. I know for me it's SO HARD to remember that when someone is telling me to be harsh with my children, or someone in aisle 8 of Publix is glaring at me. But, at the end of the day, all that matters is me & my kids.

I know I think it is the only advice my mom has at this point and my husband?, well his choices lately seem to be the complete opposite of mine sometimes.
It is all I can do for her at this point is support her..I would never want her to feel like she cannot "talk" to me or be herself around me.

Thank you I am looking into this

Yep got it read it
I also like raising your spirited child

hhmm may try this

This is good....Cuddles and eye contact..more me and her time...
I need to slow down more and let her "be"..you are right....

This is good, I do get her things when we are out, but I want her to understand that she cannot have something EVERYtime we are out..KWIM?


Thank you for the reminder.I have fallen off my vitamin boat and need to get back to taking them.
I just discovered hooping and I think this is doing me a world of good. Plus my DD now tries to hoop too and it is a girl thing. I also got us matching necklaces and she has not taken hers off yet..trying to really give her something visual as to just her and I.


You said it Mamma

Take this or leave this, but I wonder if you've ruled out bipolar? My DH is bipolar, and when you mentioned that your DH has anger issues, it just made me think....

Bipolar tends to run in families, and in children it can often present as these uncontrollable rages.

anyway, just a thought. A therapist who is familiar with childhood bipolar would certainly be of some help in either diagnosing or ruling out.