I don't know what to do!

NoahsMommy

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I don't know what to do!

#1

09-18-2009, 07:13 AM

Hi ladies! My little one will be 9 months old next week and has been co-sleeping with us since birth. It isn't something that we initially thought we would ever do but it just made it easier to take care of those middle of the night issues when he was a newborn. We have tried a few times to move him to the crib but he screams for HOURS on end! He can be dead asleep and the minute he hits that mattress he screams. He has also been napping on our bed because he wont sleep in the crib. We did pretty good once he went mobile lisitening to the monitor for any indication that he may be moving or rolling and we would go in the room to make sure he wasn't going to roll off the bed. Well, last night he moved quick and rolled right off the bed. Lucky he wasn't hurt but I was terrified and felt so guilty. We both agree that it is time to move him to the crib but we don't know how. My family and friends gave us a lot of guilt for co-sleeping to begin with so we don't discuss sleeping issues with any of them now. I am so emotionally torn and stressed over this because I feel like it is time for him to move to his crib but don't know how to do it. I think we would all sleep better as he is a restless sleeper. Also, he will not sleep at daycare because they put him in a crib. So he comes home exhausted and grumpy. He wants to be held when he naps and obviously they can't do that. What do I do? I tried to follow friends and family's advise before and let him "cry it out." We put him in there, let him cry for three minutes, then five, then seven. He NEVER went to sleep! After three hours of non-stop screaming we gave up. I'm afraid we have created a situation that we will be unable to fix! Please, is anyone has any suggestions of things that have worked for them I am all ears! Should we have stuck out the CIO method longer? How long does it take for the baby to finally fall asleep? Is there another way? How do I handle the fact that he still wakes up nightly for feedings? We usually feed him in our bed but do we do it elsewhere now? Is it too late to sleep train him at 9 months? Please, help me!!
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naomifrederickmd

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#2

09-18-2009, 07:42 AM

Hi
Have you thought of a middle ground between bed sharing and gentle sleep guidance and crib plus CIO? There has to be a middle ground for your family because either one is not working for you!

Alternatives to to the above choices-

Futon or other bed on the floor of his own so he is safe from rolling hazzards, you have the ability to lay with and comfort him, he does not feel 'trapped' by the crib rails.
This can be in another room or in the same room with your bed. This would be my choice!

Some children feel less fearful of a transition to a portacrib because it is fabric and closer to the ground. Your child seems very sensitive to being moved and left alone suddenly in a new space. He might need more of a gradual adjustment. How would you feel if someone picked you up in your sleep and put you in a place that was unfamilair and restrictive? Possibly lay on a mattress next to the portacrib (so he can see and feel the side of it) so he gets used to that sensation and it is not scary. His experience the past couple of weeks with you trying the crib and then at day-care trying the crib MAY have set him up to respond fearfully. He may need to be reset in his attitude that cribs are OK...that Mommy does come back and love him, not just leave him alone to cry. I can imagine that it has affected him. He may think "If this is what cribs are about, I want no part of them" Show him that you will be avalible regardless of location.

Maybe during the day have a practice session to show him you will come back. Put him in for a minute to play (If you can even do that at this point) and as soon as he requests you take him out right away. As soon as you can entice him back in and do the exact same thing. Show him that he can still trust that you will come back. Show him that it is OK to relax and rest in this new place.

I don't know how to aproach the daycare issue exactly but think if his home sleeping is less anxiety producing he will feel better there. Remember, it takes kids some tiem to adjust to the daycare enviroment EVEN if they sleep dandy fine in a crib at home. I assure you he has more going on then just that. Has he developed a secondary attachment to any of the staff?

We are here for you! Let us know what you try!
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NoahsMommy

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#3

09-18-2009, 08:03 AM

The strange thing is that he will play in his crib with no problem at all. He sits in it a lot while I get ready for work. As for the attachment to the daycare provider. It is a home daycare and the provider is my husbands Aunt, so she is family. So he may be closer to her than he would be to a non-family member.
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luna

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#4

09-18-2009, 10:15 AM

I'm sorry that i can't give you solution because i'm in same situation. My daughter (91/2 months) is awake if i try to put her down no matter if it is crib, bed or mattress on floor. She can sense me leaning down and she is up. I also have guilt trip as a parent when talking to other moms who have their kids in cribs from day one because their babies seem to know how to fall and stay asleep while my coosleeping baby doesn't know any of this. Is she going to learn this on her own or i have created lifelong problem? Please if you find something working for you please share, i would appreciate it a lot.
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naomifrederickmd

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#5

09-18-2009, 11:15 AM

Do you find your main goal is -have child fall asleep and like it in the crib-?

By Lifelong problem...I hope you don't intend to keep your child in a crib their entire life? (just being silly with that -he he) I assure you that many of us who avoid CIO do it because we believe that it does effect lifelong sleeping habits (in addition to other issues).

My 2 yr old has never been in a crib and sleeps all night and (mostly) alone in a single bed. Cribs do not equal happy sleepers for every child, they certainly can but it is not required.

I'm sure everyone you are talking to you is telling you it is your fault that your child does not like the crib because you did not start them there as infants. Sure, they might of liked cribs better if that is all they had been exposed too, BUT your child got many months of closeness and attentiveness at nighttime those other babies did not. Don't forget that!
Now you may wish you would of done it the other way simply from ease and comparison to the people you talk to but go back to when you had a newborn....would you do it then?

If either of you decide to go mainstream in nightime parenting that is your choice but CIO is not AP. Please think of other middle grounds to get your and your child's needs met. Have you thought about a mattress on the floor? Do you have any AP people nearby so you can get some real life support (I know there is a few AP groups near Baltimore!)

It is a balancing act for sure. You are both good moms thinking about what is best for your child but not avoiding your own needs! Don't let Mommy peer pressure guit you into doing something you don't agreee with!
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NoahsMommy

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#6

09-18-2009, 04:32 PM

Thanks Naomi! I do wish I had another AP mommy around to talk to in "real life." I DO NOT believe in CIO and I have allowed mommy peer pressure to get the best of me. I think the solution to my problem lies in finding a safe "napping place" for my little one. I love to sleep with him. I have thought long and hard about this all day and I don't want to make him afraid at night by trying to force the crib. My only fear is that he will fall off the bed while napping again and really hurt himself. Any suggesstions on naptime safety?
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luna

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#7

09-18-2009, 06:05 PM

Thanks Naomi for your words of wisdom
Most of time i belive it's ok what i'm doing because i'm responding to my child needs and try to give her as much love and comfort she wants and need, but sometimes there are those "bad" days when i doubt myself as a mom and all choices i've made
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AmandaS

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#8

09-18-2009, 07:37 PM

Originally posted by NoahsMommy View Post

Thanks Naomi! I do wish I had another AP mommy around to talk to in "real life." I DO NOT believe in CIO and I have allowed mommy peer pressure to get the best of me. I think the solution to my problem lies in finding a safe "napping place" for my little one. I love to sleep with him. I have thought long and hard about this all day and I don't want to make him afraid at night by trying to force the crib. My only fear is that he will fall off the bed while napping again and really hurt himself. Any suggesstions on naptime safety?

Hey there,
If you already have a crib, pull the matress out and put it on the floor... baby proof his room and go from there. Daycare can do this too! My DD has never been in a crib, our bed is a matress on the floor with rails on either side. At daycare she is getting a crib mattress on the floor in a babysafe room...
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naomifrederickmd

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#9

09-18-2009, 07:59 PM

Good idea AmandaS We have also used the crib mattress on the floor.
This is a thread where we talked about making the bedroom safe for naps.
http://www.attachmentparenting.org/f...=bell+upstairs
She was also very concerned about safety. I know some people very into the look of the home and get very upset when it does not look 'regular' like with a mattress on the floor. You can work with that if you don't like it...push it uder the big bed, put it upright behind something....if that is important to you.

Hello Jessup!
Here are two groups near Baltimore. They are not affiliated with API but are AP based with some natural parenting. I don't know how you feel about the natural side but for AP connection thease might be a good start. Frederick is an hour away from you too if you want an daytrip!
Baltimore AP - http://groups.yahoo.com/group/baltap/?yguid=264691946
NAP (Natural Approach to Parenting) http://groups.yahoo.com/group/NAP-MD/

Of course when your babies get a little older I encourage you both to start your own API groups!

Let us know what happens!
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NoahsMommy

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#10

09-21-2009, 07:41 AM

So, I think I found a solution to our little napping problem. We have a travel bed (basically like a littlw box that fold open). I put him to nap in that on the floor. Worked like a charm, he slept better than he does while he was napping on the bed alone. I do think we will try removing the crib mattress though (I have no idea why I never even thought of this). This seems to have solved our safe napping situation and still allows us to co-sleep at night! Thanks ladies!!
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naomifrederickmd

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#11

09-21-2009, 08:44 AM

Great news! Creative problem solving!!!! yeah!
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