"You need to separate"??

BrendaK

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"You need to separate"??

#1

12-11-2008, 11:16 AM

Some background ... My son is a happy ten month old whom we've attachment parented since he was a newborn. He's our only child. We co-sleep, and I frequently carry him in a sling. He is cruising around the house, and the past several weeks has become more confident and VERY curios in his explorations. He's never been to a babysitter's house, although my mother has watched him several times at my home when I had to run errands. (He was fine for her.) We don't have lots of family nearby available to babysit him, and since I'm a SAHM and my husband is home most evenings, I really haven't needed a babysitter.

DS went through a phase for several months where he was scared of pretty much anyone except my husband and me, but he's gotten over that and seems very happy in a crowd - whether that crowd is at our home or away from home (although he doesn't like when strange men try picking him up - and I don't blame him!) When he was younger, my husband would take him shopping one evening per week so I could work on a home-based business. DS was usually fine with that. These outings stopped for several months because my husband was busy, but last night he took DS shopping again. He was fine at the store, but in the car would intermittently cry, "Momma, Momma."

I was telling someone else about this, and she replied, "For your sake and for his, you need to start separating so he's not such a Momma's boy." (I HATE that term!)

The comment kind of shook my confidence, and I'd appreciate some feedback. Is it really necessary to create separations just so he learns not to want to be with me so much? I thought his level of attachment was healthy for his age. Also, I don't feel a need to get away. My husband helps me with him, and I don't feel over-burdened or stressed. I enjoy being his mother.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
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PaxMamma

Forum Administrator and Casualty of Love
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#2

12-11-2008, 12:59 PM

you have a happy family. everyone is getting their needs met. you are proud of your wise choices. don't let a comment like this shake you. YOU are his mommy. YOU know what he needs.

Originally posted by BrendaK View Post

Is it really necessary to create separations just so he learns not to want to be with me so much?

this doesn't make sense to me at all. when would you EVER want him to NOT WANT TO BE W/YOU??? i don't care what age he is, a child should always want to be w/their parent. don't worry, he's been on this planet 10 months!! the time will fly by and you'll be at a place where you wish you could hold him all day.

i highly recommend "Hold on to Your Kids" by gordon neufeld. he discusses how, contrary to most societies, this socieity is obsessed w/getting our children to be w/strangers. we should be doing our best to ensure they stay attached to parents as long as possible.
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naomifrederickmd

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#3

12-11-2008, 01:56 PM

Brenda, please ignore those kind of comments for they have no true merit. Why would anyone want to purposefully create an environment of distrust for no reason? Sure, if you had to go back to work, have an operation, etc but why invent separation just to have it?
These comments can get worse as a child ages so prepare yourself by reading the book that PaxMamma recommended.
There is no legitimate reason to 'practice' separation. It is healthy for him to know you are available, and if you are feeling good about being there for him, please don't second guess yourself.

And yes, I have gotten similar comments!
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BrendaK

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#4

12-11-2008, 11:25 PM

Thank you so much, PaxMamma and Naomi, for your kind responses. It is exactly the kind of encouragement I needed, and confirmed what I knew in my heart to be true. I have reserved the recommended book at the library.
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Lumena

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#5

12-12-2008, 08:09 AM

Hi BRenda, I think you should really ignore that kind of comments... your son will not become a momma's boy, quite the opposite in fact!!

My daughter didn't like to be with anyone else but me for a really long time. I remember I moved in with my mother for her first months of life and she wouldn't even let my mother hold her while I showered, screamed the whole time. I received many comments such as the one you describe, not only from friends but also from family.

My daughter not only is very social but also very independent and I truly beleive this is because we have a strong bond and she can trust that I am here for her, it gives her the freedom to explore this wonderful world!

As PaxMama said, there will come a time where you wish you can hold him all day!!!!
Trust you instinct... !!
(sorry my speller doesn't work)
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EcoMaMa

Senior Moderator Being The Change I Want To See!
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#6

12-12-2008, 08:47 AM

I wish my son was a mamas boy. He is fiercely independent and I want my baby back. LOL

We are here alone. I only have my Grandmother and she is in Florida and too old to travel very well let alone take care of a baby. My hubbys family is in the UK and other parts of Europe. We haven't been separated and he is three and a half.

Last week we went to the gym and we stood outside while he went into the playroom, just in case and he was motioning for us to go away. He has built up so much trust with us that he knows we are always there for him.

I have heard, well Jo, what if you die... morbid or something happens and he has to go with someone other than you or your husband. Well if I die, then he has far bigger things to focus on than whether or not I stepped out for a bit.

My daughter says this time to time. I was a single mother and she had babysitters in the evening and so to her that was life. I see such a difference between my two children at this age. Knowing what I know now, I wish I could have found a way never to be separated from my other children. I know there was no way around it and for many families there isn't, so I know how fortunate I am to be able to be with Ronnie or to have my husband with him when I am not at all times

Hugs mama and maybe we can think of some good comeback lines for you later.

Like Mama's Boy, do you think so? I can only hope! with a big cheesy grin.

Jo
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Reggie22

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#7

12-12-2008, 11:44 AM

re: mamma's boy

... well, one piece in the research the McKenna did, boys who had co-slept had much better sexual relations as young adults/adults - I know that seems far away, but shows they are definitely not, so called "mamma's boys" those who are close with their mamma - probably end up, purely in my own opinion, more respectful to women and thus, more likely to have good relationships with them, I reckon that is a good thing
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aerodiver

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#8

12-15-2008, 09:03 PM

Brenda I just wanted to let you know to ignore the comments. Once my parents and in-laws recognized that my husband, son and I were all very attached and it was a very good thing they layed off. An example for us is even though my son has had "sleep overs" with my MIL he still gets shy at first and clings to me or DH. Instead of telling him to just go I (or DH) hold onto him and let him sit with me or DH until he's comfortable again. He then gets down and proceeds to play with all kinds of toys in the room or go say hello to everyone. All of the family has seen how well this works and now understand why we do what we do.
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BrendaK

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#9

12-16-2008, 07:20 AM

Thank you all for you encouragement! It really means the world to me to be able to find the support I need on this board.
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lovejoy

Banned
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#10

01-06-2009, 12:28 PM

Originally posted by Reggie22 View Post

... well, one piece in the research the McKenna did, boys who had co-slept had much better sexual relations as young adults/adults - I know that seems far away, but shows they are definitely not, so called "mamma's boys" those who are close with their mamma - probably end up, purely in my own opinion, more respectful to women and thus, more likely to have good relationships with them, I reckon that is a good thing

Thats interesting, haven't heard that before. I think its a good thing too.
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beckyhmom

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#11

04-03-2009, 10:33 AM

ugh.

For starters you could try asking them ' what do you mean by momma's boy' and see what they say. It's such a stupid term. I proudly call my son ' mommy's boy' the same way I call my daughter ' mommy's girl' or 'daddy's girl' . When it comes down to it it's really a rather disrespectufl term - being daddy's girl is meant as a sweet cute thing but ' momma's boy' is bad somehow? Shows how little respect society has for mothers and the bond between mothers and their sons ( or children)
I've gotten similar comments and it always bewildered me when people made them at such a young age . .I expected the comments from toddlerhood onwards but it started when he was just a few months old.
He's not a 'momma's boy' he's a BABY doing what BABIES do. Just keep telling people that.
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BrendaK

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#12

04-08-2009, 12:00 AM

Originally posted by beckyhmom View Post

ugh.

When it comes down to it it's really a rather disrespectufl term - being daddy's girl is meant as a sweet cute thing but ' momma's boy' is bad somehow? Shows how little respect society has for mothers and the bond between mothers and their sons ( or children)

I hadn't thought of that before ... that being a daddy's girl is cute but not a "momma's boy." I agree with you, that it shows a fundamental disrespect for the mother child bond.
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rita

Executive Editor, The Attached Family magazine
- Join Date: Mar 2008
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#13

04-11-2009, 10:15 AM

The person probably said those words, thinking she was giving you good advice or maybe she was hardly thinking at all about what she was saying. So many people, it seems, who give me "advice" about my children come from a time when those comments were seen as helpful. It could be this person never had any other option -- she herself always had people giving her the same "helpful" advice and so she thinks she's helping you. Instead of losing confidence, try to give some doubt to the other person and some compassion. Changing your view on her comments makes them easier to hear, somehow.

Beyond that, just continue doing what you're doing. Keep the end goal of a healthy, mentally stable adult in mind and know that many of the people in society today -- who were raised with such "helpful" advice -- are not emotionally healthy and happy. Secretly revel in knowing the "true secret" to raising kids. And remember, as so many others have said, you're his mom, not this other person, and you know your son better than anyone else -- perhaps even more so than his father, and certainly better than this other person -- in the world!
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