Attachment Parenting International Blog

AP Month 2010 Blog Carnival – Full of Love

Art — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 18:15:56 +0000

October is Attachment Parenting Month! The theme for AP Month 2010 is “Full of Love: parenting to meet the emotional and physical needs of children” with a focus on preventing childhood obesity.

During AP Month 2010, parents are challenged to re-examine their daily physical activities, nourishing routines and habits, and learn new ways to fuel both healthy emotional and physical growth. The “envelope” in which we deliver guidance to our children provides the underlying degree of emotional connection and feeling that can become associated with physical nourishment and activity.

Explore with us the challenges we face in raising children who know the healthiest ways to be nourished in every aspect of life. Participate in our Attachment Parenting Month blog carnival and share your experiences in keeping our children “Full of Love.”

To participate in the carnival, submit a post on one or more of the following topics as we celebrate emotional and physical health:

For parents who have struggled/are struggling to make healthier nutritional and/or activity changes, what has been the impact on the children? The whole family? (May be better or worse than desired or in flux)
For parents who may be the epitome of physical health, yet have children who regularly make different, less healthy choices, how do you resolve the challenges?
Families whose children are regularly exposed to unhealthy options, how did/do you work through this situation?
Ways we’ve uniquely accommodated and/or resolved common food and activity emotional hot buttons. (Do you have an automatic impulse to make your child clean her/his plate? What do you do? How do you handle deserts? Vegetables? Do you require numbers of bites until finished? )

To participate, simply publish a post on one of the previous topics to your blog with the following text (including hyperlinks):

This post is part of the Attachment Parenting Month blog carnival, hosted by Attachment Parenting International. Learn more about how you can keep your children “Full of Love” by visiting API Speaks, the blog of Attachment Parenting International.

Once your post is completed, please send a note via the API Speaks Contact Form with the link to your blog post as well as a short message that the post is part of the AP Month 2010 blog carnival. Submissions will be accepted until Wednesday, October 13 at noon PT.

Please note that in order to participate in the AP Month 2010 blog carnival, the post must be published and publicly viewable by the submission deadline. API Speaks will then link to your blog in a summary post on October 18, 2010. If you do not have a blog, but would like to submit a guest post for AP Month, please use the API Speaks Contact Form to make arrangements.

Part1: Rewards, Incentives, Consequences, and Punishments (Oh, My!)

Kelly — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 17:21:09 +0000

At a recent API meeting, a few moms asked questions about the differences between rewards and punishments which I thought was very useful. We hadn’t specifically discussed them before, and it was helpful to define our understanding of the words we often hear regarding discipline. Based on attachment parenting, positive discipline, and unconditional parenting, here is the break-down:

Rewards vs. Incentives:

A reward is something that is given conditionally; you only get X if you do Y. An incentive is letting someone know of an enjoyable activity that is soon to come. As soon as Y is done, X happens. The difference here is that enjoyable thing (X) happens even if the behavior leading up to it wasn’t perfect. It’s unconditional.

For example, a mom always gives her son a snack when they drive somewhere, but sometimes there’s a struggle actually getting him into his car seat. Because having a snack in the car is something they do every day, the snack is not the reward for getting into the car seat; it’s the incentive. She reminds her son that, “After everyone gets buckled in our seats, we have a snack.” That’s the order of events, and something he can look forward to after getting in his seat. She wouldn’t withhold the snack if, despite her best efforts, there was still struggling and crying about getting into the car seat. Her son is hungry and he needs it; it’s snack time.

But, if she were to withhold the snack because her son didn’t get in his seat as willingly and peacefully as she wanted, that would be a punishment. If the snack were applied conditionally like this, it would have been a reward if it were given (and a bribe when it was first mentioned).

The difference between reward and incentive lies in the intent of the administrator.

It is also helpful to clarify the distinction between natural consequences, logical consequences, and punishments:

Natural consequence–Anything that would happen completely naturally in a situation. You didn’t eat your dinner so you are hungry at bedtime.

Logical consequence–An imposed consequence that “fits” with the circumstances. You didn’t eat the dinner that was made for you, so you must make yourself some food if you don’t want to go to bed hungry.

Punishment–Not a consequence of the situation at all, but something unrelated imposed specifically for the purpose of making someone unhappy. You didn’t eat the dinner I made for you, so you must go to your room.

For parents endeavoring in positive discipline, we choose incentives over bribes and rewards, and natural and logical consequences over punishments. They are more effective than their counterparts in helping a child learn, as the parent-child relationship is not devalued, and they help a child develop intrinsic motivation.

Kelly is an API Leader and a Certified Positive Discipline Instructor in Portland, Oregon. She blogs at Parenting From Scratch.

Helping Children Become Independent

Melissa — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 11:00:50 +0000

There are some things that simply drive us parents crazy: One is when your child insists on doing something that you want to do yourself. You are trying to feed your 1-year-old mashed potatoes and carrots, and he clamps his mouth shut while squashing the mixture through his fingers. You finally finish dressing your 3-year-old so you can make it on time to work, only to find that she has undressed herself 2 minutes later because she wants to do it herself. And as you are carefully unpacking the groceries, your 6-year-old silently volunteers to put the tray of 36 eggs into the refrigerator. (These examples are just for starters. I’m sure you’ll think of many more)!

Another thing that drives parents crazy is when your child refuses to do something you know he can do by himself. Your 3-year-old will only eat supper if you feed her. Your 5-year old will only get dressed if you dress him. And your 7-year-old will only put away his toys if you do it with him. (Yes, there’s more).

Hard as we try to keep our composure, our frustration rises and we lose our patience. When our children need our help, why won’t they let us help them? And why won’t they do things for themselves when they can? Israeli parent educator Shoshana Hayman explains…

Read the rest of the story on The Attached Family Online (now available to everyone).

Traveling with Kids is Hard Work!

Dave Taylor — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 22:27:32 +0000

I’m a single dad. In fact, I think I’m the only single dad who contributes to the API Speaks blog. That’s why I’m asking for your advice, dear reader. I have three delightful kids, a 13yo girl, 10yo boy and a 6yo girl, and while I like traveling with them, it’s darn hard work.

We just got back from a week in Southern California and I had the foresight to invite my sister to join us, so the room configuration at the hotel was her + my 13yo in one room, and me and the two younger children in another. Not too bad, but since I don’t have the $$ to just get a beautiful two-room suite, there’s really no way that we can’t end up on top of each other.

They’re great travelers – the two older each have a solo flight under their belts too! – but when we get to a destination, it just seems extraordinarily hard to find something to do that meets all their needs. At home, of course, we have friends who can either join us or to whom one of the kids can duck out rather than go somewhere they don’t like, but on the road, there’s no “plan b”, no-one else to help out.

So my question to you: how do you deal with travel logistics? How do you retain your sanity? And, most of all, if you’re a single parent, do you travel at all, and if so, what tricks and strategies have you found that help maximize the fun and minimize the arguments, fighting and unhappiness?

If you want to read more about our LA travel adventures, btw, I’ve written about them on my attachment parenting blog too.

The Truth About Spanking with Nadine Block

Melissa — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 17:08:07 +0000

Register now for this next API LIVE! Teleseminar scheduled for Monday, August 30, 9 pm ET/6 pm PT – The Truth About Spanking: What Parents Must Know About Physical Discipline with special guest Nadine Block.

the practice and effect of spanking on cognitive and physical well-being
the confusion surrounding spanking and good behavior
how our own childhood experience drives our decision to spank or not
what to do if your spouse and you disagree on spanking
and more.

REGISTER NOW

Motherhood’s Magic Mirror

Sharron — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 00:28:54 +0000

It starts off simply enough. I smile, you smile. Then it gets more complicated.

My daughters had a hard time using the word “please.” I noticed this several years ago, when I was constantly correcting their demands, making them insert the word before I would honor their request. They always said, “Thank you,” just not the “p” word. I remember the moment when I discovered why this phenomenon was occurring and needless to say, it was a head-slapping revelation. I asked my child (about age 4) to do something and she looked at me while asking, “please?” She was correcting my rudeness.

So, I listened in on all my conversations that day. Do I ever use the word? I frequently use the words “thanks” and, “I’m sorry.” I say “you’re welcome” and I always say “I love you” at least twice a day per family member. Somehow I had gotten into the habit of issuing orders without the basic nicety of “please.” It didn’t matter that I was telling my children to always use this word, they were simply mirroring my own behavior. It was so basic. So many trite sayings have formed out of this one constant of human development. Monkey see, monkey do. Do as I say, not as I do. But there it was staring me in the face without me really seeing it.

There are many times in raising children when you need to stop, examine your world through your child’s eyes and ears, and really think about what they are learning from you. Are you telling them not to hit, but spanking them as a form of punishment? Do you raise your voice when angry, but reprimand your child for yelling? (This is one of my uglier problems that I’m still working on.) Do you wish they would interact more with other children, but spend all your time with them instead of making strong connections with other adults?

It’s not easy realizing that your children are so much like you, yet so different. You assume they will only pick up your strengths and excel at the areas you have mastered. In addition to picking up your bad habits, magnifying them and mirroring them back to you like a carnival fun house; children also pick up on your energy. They know when you are tense, sad, angry with your spouse or worried about life. They know instantly when you don’t like someone. Unfortunately, children assume that they are the cause of your negative emotions, not an outside influence. My oldest daughter has the eerie habit of plucking thoughts right out of my head. It happens so often now that I’ve come to accept her ability as yet another reason to focus my thoughts and energy into positive messages.

MOM DARE: Spend this week listening in on your conversations, really hearing yourself the way your child does. Are they imitating you? Can you see how one of their troublesome behaviors could be related to something you have inadvertently taught them? Are you stressed about something and your child is picking up on your anxiety? Try spending a little more time this week reassuring your children that they are doing a good job, that you love them, and that life is truly beautiful. Please.

Sharron Wright is the work-at-home mother of three girls, ages 2, 5 and 8. Her mission is to help other new parents feel empowered and to instill in them the confidence to care for their babies in a loving, positive way that respects the uniqueness of all children. She blogs at http://momswithgrace.wordpress.com and helps new moms at www.babylovecarebook.com

Child Spacing and Attachment Parenting

Alissa — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 11:56:02 +0000

My son is almost one! Along with all the emotions that go along with my baby getting quantifiably older, a pretty unexpected one is emerging: uncertainty. I am plagued with uncertainty because Sol’s turning one means that soon (hopefully) my cycles will return and we will think about trying to conceive again. Originally we had planned to start trying again right away, but I have all these questions floating around in my head that are making me lean towards waiting awhile. We always planned to be attachment parents, and we always planned to have our children pretty close together (around 2 years spacing). But having been an attachment parent for a year has made me think twice about such a close spacing. Will I be doing my firstborn an injustice by having another baby so soon?

At this point, we would like our family to include 3 or 4 children. This hope is, of course, assuming a lot. We had an easy time getting pregnant with our first, but are trying not to take that for granted. For discussion’s sake let us assume that we are able to conceive fairly easily for all future pregnancies. There are still a lot of pros and cons to consider, some of them compounded by our AP choices.

We practice ecological/on cue breastfeeding. This means I am still up once or twice a night to nurse my son. Right now, this is doable for us. He cosleeps with us, and while I do wake up to nurse, it is pretty easy for the both of us to get back to sleep quickly. What will this be like when I am pregnant? I remember how exhausted I was for the first part of my first pregnancy. How will I deal with that exhaustion and continued night waking? What if my milk supply plummets or changes? Will Solomon stop breastfeeding because of my pregnancy sooner than if I had not been pregnant? I know a lot of women who breastfeed through pregnancy, but I need to consider how I will feel about him weaning when I am pregnant, because it is a definite possibility. What if my cycles don’t come back for a while but we are hoping for a closer spacing of children? Am I willing to night-wean Solomon in an effort to get my cycle back?

We cosleep. How will cosleeping work when I am humongous? When the new baby is born? Will we transition Solomon to his own sleeping space because of the new baby? Should we wait until he is more ready to sleep on his own to consider a second?

We practice positive/gentle discipline. Will I be able to stay relaxed and use a calm tone of voice with Solomon when I have a crying infant who needs me RIGHTNOW! and he has just dumped his yogurt all over me and the couch and the floor? I know quite a few moms who have 2 or 3 closely spaced kids, and it seems that they either yell and lose their temper more often, or they have more patience than I do. Will a bigger spacing between kids mean a happier mommy who doesn’t lose her cool?

We respond sensitively. Right now I feel very in tune with my son. I don’t feel like I am compromising on anything. We have a very trusting and attached relationship. I also feel like the next year or two of development is going to be challenging, and I am going to need a close, aware bond of communication with him. Would it be easier to wait until he is 3 or 4, has learned to use the potty, can talk, can walk to the car instead of being carried, etc. before having Baby #2?

As you can see (if you were patient enough to read through my incessant anxiety) I am starting to consider the benefits of a larger spacing between kids. But I also see benefits of a closer spacing. What do you think? How far apart are your kids? What pros and cons do you see in your parenting ability/style due to you kids ages? What spacing would you prefer/ do you plan to try for?

I am seeing that the timing of a second child is a much bigger decision than I had once thought. A second (or third, or fourth) is going to affect the older siblings. It is going to affect my parenting. It is certainly going to affect the new baby. Maybe I just need to make out a giant pro vs. con list and make some charts…

Alissa writes at A New History where she blogs about the challenge of authentic living with her husband, Levi and her one year old son, Solomon.

Is She Too Attached?

stephanie — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 16:24:02 +0000

My 8 month old daughter, Penelope, is going through a separation anxiety phase. If I walk out of her eye sight, even for a second, even if Peter, my husband, or someone else is sitting with her and playing, she cries. She is a MAMA’S GIRL right now. When her anxiety first showed up, I was concerned. I thought, “Oh, God, what have I done?!” Is she TOO attached? Have I taken Attachment Parenting to an extreme and done damage? I thought, “should I finally get a babysitter and leave her with someone other than my husband and “teach” her to be OK.” Which, of course, had been so often told to me to do by my neighbors and some friends. I have also been told, to simply let her fuss for a bit and not immediately pick her up and tend to her.

Luckily, I snapped out of my doubt, and regained my confidence, before I heeded any of that advice. Even if her behavior is not the stereotypical- 8-month-baby-separation-anxiety-phase, and she simply wants me all. of. the. time.its perfectly fine with me. I am her mother, she is my baby, we are still deeply connected through my breast milk that I make for her. To me breastfeeding, feels like an extended, energetic umbilical cord. I hold her all day long, I sleep and cuddle with her all night long. I want to be in close contact with her, as much as she wants to be in close contact with me. This is what is supposed to be happening. This is how mothering and baby rearing is supposed to be.

One of my most favorite books, is the Continum Concept. When I read it, before I was a mother and I was a Nanny, it turned on a light bulb in my head. What a novel idea, that babies are EXPECTING to be with their mothers at all times! They are expecting that Mama, or a really great close Mama substitute for the time being (like a fabulous Nanny, like I was), is going to be right there, every step of the way. I will admit, that sometimes I dream of lounging by the pool, or going out to dinner and then (gasp!) a movie with my husband, but most of the time, I am thrilled to meeting her every need and demand. I love knowing that she has not once, Cried It Out, to go to sleep. I love knowing, that she knows, if she communicates to me that she needs me, that I will be there, every. single. time. She completely trusts me and that makes it all worth it.

Stephanie, is SAHM in Tallahassee, Fl. She has one daughter, Penelope, born on 11.11.09 at home, in water and into her own two hands. You can find her at her blog: Mama and Baby Love

The Days of Our Lives

Jasmine Carlson — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 11:00:52 +0000

I had a chat with another mother which is not remarkable in and of itself but apparently our conversation was. At the end of the conversation we were discussing how other parents we had been around did not talk about these types of things. How sometimes they left you with this feeling of guilt and frustration, a feeling of being the lesser parent.

So what was our conversation about? The days of our lives. The toddler days.

Toddler days are filled with wonder and agony. Now this may be fairly dramatic but it seems like that is what a toddler day is: chaos, enjoyment, laughing, and tears (sometimes from both mother and child). We discussed how you are told how things are “supposed” to work and how you are “supposed” to feel and act. We especially got a chuckle out of the whole “take a break” rule; how a mom should “take a break” during an especially difficult toddler moment to think through options and get herself under control. However, the exact difficulty is caused because she can’t possibly take a moment for herself because her toddler is in some sort of screaming crisis. A “break” is exactly what is wanted/needed and a break is exactly what we aren’t going to get.

Speaking of breaking, that was another topic of conversation. The breaking point. We all have it. We’ve all crashed headlong into it at some point. Unless, of course you, are one of the Stepford parents or you have reached some sort of higher level than the rest of us my-blood-pressure-is-climbing-with-every-scream parents. The breaking point comes when one last thing is added to your plate of to-dos or one last scream is uttered or…or… There is a moment, a moment you aren’t proud of, words you aren’t proud of, thoughts you aren’t proud of, actions you aren’t proud of, and then come the tears, tears of guilt and/or shame the horrible thought that maybe you aren’t even fit to be a parent.

I am so thankful to my parents for informing me, with a smile, that these would be some of the most difficult years of my life. My parents always laugh when people say “wait until they are teenagers.” You can reason with a teenager they say, or at least talk. There are lines of communication available to you that are impossible with a toddler; plus you have had years of practice by the teenage point.

Now I am sure it is different for everyone but as far as my parents are concerned, they give me a big hug, an encouraging word, or remind me that this is hard, very hard, and for some reason that makes all the difference. Just to know that parenting isn’t easy, that I am doing it anyway, and that today this is the way it is. But, there are lots of tomorrows that will be different. Just because it is difficult doesn’t mean I should wish it away because this is the refining fire of parenthood and these are the days of our lives.

Jasmine is a co-housing, home birthing, missions minded, community living mama with a passion for fierce writing. She blogs.

Picture from: http://www.flickr.com/photos/frenchy/4536426458/

API Live – Attachment Parenting with Mayim Bialik

Melissa — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 11:00:35 +0000

Register now for the next API Live teleseminar. Hear API LIve hosts Lu Hanessian and API cofounder Barbara Nicholson talk with attachment parenting mother of two and actress Mayim Bialik. Hear about Mayim’s personal AP parenting experiences. Find out about her new projects, including an AP book she’s writing on what babies need (and don’t need) and why she feels so compelled to spread the word.

You can support API’s mission and take advantage of the knowledge and experience API Live’s special guests by signing up today. Every dollar of your sign up fee goes toward education, support and outreach for parents in need.

After registration, you will get an email with the call-in information and then after the program you will receive the download details for this exciting MP3.

Register now for $19 ($9 for API members–so join today!). If you are not an API member, you will be able to join and purchase (for $44 total – a 25% savings!). API Leaders register for free.

DATE: Monday, August 16, 2010
TIME: 8:00 pm ET/5:00pm PT – Please note that this is one hour earlier than previous teleseminars.

REGISTER NOW!