I am a mother of three children.

I am a mother of three children, and I spend my days changing diapers, kissing boo-boos, and giving hugs.

My job of raising these beautiful children bring me joy. And sometimes, it breaks my heart.

My oldest is 6, my middle child is 4, and my youngest is 12 months. My oldest is in her first year of homeschooling, and I have yet to figure out a good way to balance my time between all three.

It’s very easy to spend time with my oldest, since we spent a lot of time studying together. And my youngest, well he’s just a baby (at least to me), so we connect with nursing and cuddling and co-sleeping.

But my poor four year old. It’s hard to find time to spend one-on-one with her.

The other day she asked me for some crayons and paper, and even though I had tons of stuff to do I sat down and doodled with her. She immediately hugged me, thanked me with all her heart for coloring with her, and as I looked into her sweet face I saw that she had tears in her eyes.

That’s when it hit me: My daughter is so thankful for one-on-one time with her mother that it brings her to tears.

Talk about feeling like the world’s crappiest mother.

I need to find more balance. I need to find more ways to connect with my sweet, thankful daughter.

I need help.

For those with more than two kids, how do you keep your balance?

I am a mother of three, I spend all my days kissing boo-boos and changing diapers…and I desperately need to know.

My 20-month-old daughter is very easy to parent. Okay, well, that’s not entirely true. She’s aptly-nicknamed “Aurora the Destroyer” for her desire to explore and investigate, and her physical and mental abilities to not only climb to higher places, but figure out how to position things to climb to even higher places. But her needs, those are still simple. In her universe, most problems are still limited to being hungry, tired, dry, or bored, and most solutions are limited to food, a diaper or a breast.

My son Rowan, on the other hand, will be 7 in April, and he’s the one I struggle with. As a toddler, he was less physically draining but much more emotional than his sister, and that’s carried on into childhood. To compound things, he is in first grade with a less-than-emotionally respectful teacher, he’s a big brother, and I work from home as well. And of course, with age comes much more complex problems, and naturally, more complex solutions. With his emotional tendencies also comes some emotional outbursts — from him and me.

Being an Attachment Parent to babies and toddlers is very simple, and logically, you’re setting the groundwork then for childhood and adolescence, but maintaining the same relationship gets tougher and tougher. As we know, you can never be perfect at parenting — as your child always grows and changes, your parenting does as well. With a toddler, a job, and an upcoming move, I often feel like my changes as a parent, my growth alongside his has fallen behind, and we’re butting heads and struggling more with maintaining positive discipline and respect, both towards him and from him.

However, every time I start thinking, “What have I done wrong? Did I break our relationship?” I also stop and think, “What am I DOING wrong?” Then, the basics become clear again. Regardless of age, some things still stand true:

1. You have to stop and listen to their needs. The more distanced you are from them, the more complicated figuring them out will be. Also, the bigger they are, the more aware they are of whether or not you’re really listening and caring. Sometimes you’re going to need to have someone remove the little sibling from the room or wait for a nap so your child can really know all the attention is on them, and only them. But of course, as long as you follow through, nothing is wrong with letting your child know you need to wait until ___ time, and then you’ll sit down and talk.

2. You have to accept that you aren’t always going to be perfect… and neither are they. Sometimes you’re going to suck. Sometimes you will be really distracted, concentrating hard on something, and will say something in a less-than-ideal manner… and chances are, your kid will respond in kind. A very important lesson for you to learn is that there’s no erasing mistakes, but there’s learning from them. In fact, almost as important as what you do the first time is how you handle things when you’re patching them up.

3. Remember the behavior is only a symptom. Just like with infants, you still need to remember that they did whatever they did, or didn’t do, for a reason, and that’s what you need to figure out. Getting down at their level, with a sympathetic face and tone, is very important, but so is respecting when they’re not ready to talk. Nothing irritated me more as a child than trying to walk away so I could calm down and being followed, which leads me to…

4. Respect their autonomy. Allowing children to have a space that’s theirs, and letting them have it as somewhere they can request to be alone is invaluable. If you’ve been respectful and open and available with your child, they’ll start becoming independent all on their own, and with that comes the request for certain autonomy, like being able to have a space of their own that a sibling can’t destroy. If Rowan is annoyed with Aurora, he knows his room is a place he can do things without her interference.

5. Try to make as much time just for them. This one is particularly difficult in my household as childcare isn’t readily available or desirable for us, but even just playing a game with my son while she’s napping or nursing can make all the difference.

Overall, the general mantra is: Be patient, be present and be respectful. Life can really start making things difficult, but the longer you let the distance grow, the worse things will get. Taking the time, even when you feel you don’t have it, so close that gap again is so, so important.

What do you feel is most important when dealing with older children?

Today we are excited to introduce another API Speaks blogger to you.  Amber is a mother of two and hails from Vancouver!  Read on to learn about her tips for successful relationships (she and her husband have been together for 20 years!), her big venture to help people live intentionally, and how she balances it all.

Tell us about your family.

I am married to my husband of almost 10 years, Jon. We met in high school – we will celebrate 20 years together this May. Which is a long time, considering that we’re still in our mid-30s. We have two children – Hannah will turn 6 in February, and Jacob is 2 1/2. We live in suburban Vancouver, BC. Right now, Jon is working for a local television station, and I’m working from home.

Amber and family

I am amazed that you and Jon have been together for 20 years!  What has been important in maintaining that relationship?  You have obviously gone through a lot of seasons of life together already!  I am so intrigued by the ways that an AP parenting style translates to marriage.  How do you and Jon balance parenting?

I think the most important thing in maintaining a relationship is flexibility and openness to change. Jon and I are very different people now than we were in 1991 when we started dating as teenagers. We have accepted that change and growth is part of being together, and we embrace it.

In terms of parenting, I am the primary caregiver, especially for my younger child. He’s still breastfeeding, and so I am the one to re-settle him at night and offer comfort when he’s hurt. If I’m not here, my husband steps up, of course, but if we’re both there my toddler goes for me first, and I’m OK with that. I am also the one who is working at home and spending my days with the kids, which is just how things have worked out. As Jacob gets older, though, Jon is able to step in more and more, so I can go to yoga or meet a friend for lunch, knowing that my kids are with their father whom they love and are very attached to.

What led you to Attachment Parenting?

I was raised in a house where many AP principles were held. Although I don’t think the phrase ‘attachment parenting’ was used in the 70s and 80s when I was a child, my mother breastfed, co-slept and used baby carriers. Many of the same practices felt very natural to me – although I did face struggles, I was able to overcome them

I chose midwifery care for my pregnancies, and my midwives also helped lead me to attachment parenting. They supported me in having the birth I wanted, and led me to resources to support me in parenting the way I wanted to parent. They were really fantastic, and I credit a lot of my success with overcoming my early parenting struggles to their excellent care and support.

How do you deal with friends/family/strangers who don’t understand or disagree with AP practices?

I have actually not had to stick up for my choices all that much. My mother and mother-in-law have both been very supportive, and the rest of our extended family have largely followed suit. Most of the issues we’ve faced have had more to do with changing baby-care recommendations. For instance, 30 years ago it was recommended that all babies have supplemental water, whereas now we know that breast milk alone provides all the liquid babies need. In these situations, letting people know what the new recommendations are and why has been sufficient.

I will also say that as my children get older, and especially with my firstborn, I face fewer criticisms. Now that I have at least one child who can use the toilet, dress herself, print her name and so on, people aren’t as quick to question my parenting. It’s like that first kid is proof that I am up to the task of raising little people.

Have you ever had an affirming moment in your AP journey?

My 2-year-old son loves to ‘nurse’ his toys. It really is the sweetest thing. Then he pretends to pick gunk out of their ears, which is slightly less sweet but hits home. I really must remember not to pick at the poor child so much while he nurses.

Honestly, though, I’ve seen that my children imitate me and pick up on what I do. I like that, but it’s hard to say how much this really affects them. Since I’ve always parented them in this way, I can’t really say what they would be like if I hadn’t. For me, the affirming moments come more from my own confidence that this is the right choice for our family as we’re doing it. It’s not about an outcome, it’s about living my life in a way that fits.

I just love this sentence: “It’s not about an outcome, it’s about living my life in a way that fits.”  Can you talk about that a little more?

It’s hard to think of something specific, but I think that parenting is a learned skill, like any other skill. I have made mistakes and adapted and experimented and gotten better at it over the almost six years that I’ve been at it. I am definitely a very different mother today than I was when I had my first newborn, and a very different mother than I envisioned I would be. Much like flexibility and openness to change are important in a romantic partnership, they are also important in parenting. I’m constantly adapting to changing conditions and figuring out what works today. I’ve learned not to sweat it too much, or think too far ahead, because things will be totally different by the time I get there.

I will say that I have done a lot of things that were better for my children than for me, in order to meet their needs. When I had newborns, I didn’t really enjoy getting up at all hours of the night. I did it because I realized that this was what they needed at the time, and that I was laying groundwork in terms of letting them know that they were loved and cared for and fed and all of that. When you have kids, life isn’t about your own best interests anymore. It’s about figuring out what everyone needs, and how best you can meet those needs. So in the case of sleep, I figure out how I can get the sleep I need while also meeting my children’s needs. I may not get to sleep at the time I would prefer, but I have generally been able to come up with something that worked for everyone.

When you’re balancing the needs of multiple children, you’re again tackling the issue of ‘needs’ versus ‘preferences’. Not everyone gets to have exactly what they would want, when they want it. But everyone is able to get what they need today. Tomorrow can take care of itself.

What does 2011 hold for your family?

I am launching an online course about living with intention in January. It’s called Crafting My Life, and it’s kind of a big deal for me. I’m really excited about that. I will also be attending BlogHer in San Diego, which is another big deal for me. I’m trying to think of what the year holds for the rest of my family, but we don’t have any big plans yet aside from my stuff. I guess maybe 2011 is all about me.

Thank you to Amber for letting us get into her head a little bit. Check her out at her blog, and look for more interviews soon.

Today I have a real treat for you: an interview with API Speaks contributing blogger Kelly Bartlett!  Kelly is the first of our bloggers who are opening up and answering questions.  I’ve been reading API Speaks for a long time now and am so excited to get to know all the contributors better.  Read on to find out more about Kelly, her journey to AP through a “high needs” baby, and more about her gorgeous family of 4.

Tell us about your family.

I grew up in Chicago and my husband, John, is from Whitefish, Montana.  We met at St. Olaf College in Northfield, MN, and now we love living in beautiful Portland, Oregon.  I was a high school biology teacher before our 2 kids were born and I stopped working to stay home with them full-time ever since.  Our son JJ is 4 1/2 and our daughter Elia is 6, and they are complete opposites!  The phases we went through with one we didn’t go through with the other, and vice versa.  Between the two of them we are learning first-hand just how different kids can be.

Kelly and Family

With you from Illinois and your husband from Montana, how did you end up in Portland?  I hear that it is a very pro-AP city, do you find that to be true?

We moved out here several years ago for John’s job, and this city has been a great fit for us in many ways…the most recent being our parenting journey.  There are lots of AP families here, which is so nice.  Just going out in public it’s not uncommon to see several breastfeeding and baby-wearing moms & dads, so it’s easy to meet like-minded parents, even when we’re not at an API meeting!  Although I wouldn’t say the majority of Portland parents practice AP, I think it’s more common here than in other places I’ve lived.

How do you balance your life in Portland with seeing family in other parts of the country?

We have a pretty good balance of seeing family who live out-of-state.  We take about two trips a year to go visit them, and they take about two trips a year to come visit us.  So we never go more than a few months without seeing family, and our kids are pros at traveling by car, train, and plane!  Plus we have Skype, which has replaced all of our phone calls to each other.  I feel fortunate to live in age where it’s possible for kids to grow up knowing their grandparents who live several states away!

What led you to Attachment Parenting?

Elia was an extremely high-needs baby.  She rarely slept during the day, and the only time she wasn’t crying was when she was nursing, or if we were carrying her around.  My husband and I struggled at first, conflicted with all the “shoulds”…what a baby “should” be doing and what we as parents “should” be doing.  We just ended up doing what we needed to do for her, which involved A LOT of walks and pacing around the house with her in our arms.  Needless to say we used our soft carrier a lot, so when I heard of a local meeting all about babywearing and different types of carriers, I made it a point to go.  Only after I got there did I discover it was a parenting support group called API.  Not surprisingly, I had a lot in common with the moms there. J

Also because of our very-high-needs baby, I read as many parenting and child-development books as I could get my hands on.  I think I’ve read them all!   Some were very insightful, while others should be taken off all bookshelves everywhere.  Some of them really resonated with me, and I started to develop a new way of thinking of parenting.  I threw out all of the rules of how I always thought parents were supposed to raise kids (all those “shoulds”) and I started over.  Mainstream parenting just wasn’t a good fit for our unique kids; AP was a perfect fit for all of us.

I attended the local API support group as a member for about 2 years, and then got certified as a leader when ours retired.  I led the group for another 2 years, before becoming a member of API headquarters staff.  For HQ, I write resource materials for leaders to use in their support group meetings, and I’m also an assistant editor and contributing writer for The Attached Family magazine.  As an extension of API leadership, I decided to get trained in positive discipline, so I’m also a Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator.  I teach PD classes, as well as continue to lead our local API chapter, and keep up with my work with API staff & magazine.

How is Elia now? I know most moms of high needs babies hope that AP will help their child feel safe and secure and be smoother sailing, more relaxed children down the road.

Now, at 6 years old, I no longer consider Elia “high needs”.    She is absolutely more relaxed and incredibly secure, though she is still highly sensitive and has also recently been identified as gifted.  She started reading on her own the day she turned 3, and by the time she was 4 she was reading the Harry Potter series.  She is extremely perceptive, and has impressive verbal skills.  I’m not suggesting that all high-needs babies will be gifted, or that all gifted children were once high-needs babies, but I have no doubt that in our situation Elia’s giftedness is correlated to her fussiness as a baby.  She is wise beyond her years, and as an infant she was constantly in a state of frustration.

Our challenge now is remembering that while her rational brain is functioning at a much higher level, she still has the emotions of a 6-year old.  We have to remind ourselves of that often! One resource I’ve found very helpful is the SENG organization: Supporting the Emotional Needs of the Gifted. They provide a lot of great information focusing on supporting gifted children and adults.

It sounds like you have read a ton of parenting books.  Can you share your favorites or most recommended books?

Yes…a ton.  There are so many great books on different aspects of positive parenting, but there are four that I consider the “cornerstones”.  These are the ones I recommend to parents first and most often when they’re trying to understand the concepts of AP:

• Hold on to Your Kids, by Gordon Neufeld
• Unconditional Parenting, by Alfie Kohn
• Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Roseberg
• Attached at the Heart, by Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker

API has an excellent resource list, but these are what I consider the essentials, as they illustrate the significance of family connection, unconditionality, communication, and general AP principals.

How do you deal with friends/family/strangers who don’t understand or who disagree with AP practices?

No one has ever been outright critical of our AP approach to parenting, so I’m thankful for that.  Sometimes I “feel” the criticism, though, and I just have to turn away and focus on our family.  I can see in my children’s health and well-being that what we are doing is working for us, and that’s all I need to know.  Of course, I DO try and educate other parents about AP, but not as unsolicited advice.  I use the API support group, teaching positive discipline classes, and writing positive parenting articles as the venues for that!

Also, right around the time I started realizing how different we were as parents is when I decided to start a blog.  Along the lines of throwing out all the “rules” about parenting and starting fresh, I called it “Parenting From Scratch.” It was a way to communicate to everyone the thinking behind our family’s parenting philosophy in a non-confrontational way.

Have you ever had an affirming moment in your AP journey?

Rather than any specific AP technique, to me, a child’s emotional development is the most important aspect of AP as it sets them up for healthy relationships for life…how someone relates to others, the world, & themselves is at the core of their happiness.

So every time my kids express themselves honestly and openly, I think, “Aha…AP.”  They are not afraid to cry.  They are not afraid to tell me they’re mad at me.  They’re not afraid to express anger, hurt, or sadness.  They’re not afraid to share their mistakes with me.  Every time they express themselves freely, we come closer together, and I realize that we have a relationship based on trust and understanding, not fear.  That, to me, is huge.

What does 2011 hold for your family? What goals do you have for your kids/ family in the coming year?

This is the last year I will have a child at home full-time.  Then my son will be in kindergarten and both of my kids will be in school for a significant portion of the day.  I’m still trying to wrap my mind around that!  I hope to continue to spend as much time together as a family as we can.  It gets hard in our neighborhood with the number of kids available to play with, especially as the weather gets nicer and everyone’s always outside, but it’s important that we carve out regular family time together.  Fortunately, we do have a couple of vacations in mind that will help with that. J

Thanks so much to Kelly for letting us into her world.  Check her out at Parenting From Scratch and look for more interviews in the coming weeks.

As the date of our big move from the U.S. to Canada approaches and we shuffle from one generous friend’s abode to another, this pregnancy, the little growing one all snug in my tummy, often seems to take a back seat (not in the back of our Volkswagen Golf, but in the back of a very long bus)–which makes me a little sad. Aside from the slowly, and finally, dissipating constant nausea and fatigue, my little tummy buddy hasn’t gotten much air time in any sense of the word over these last 13 weeks.

I can remember the last time I shared my body. It was a little over two years ago. From the day that joyous pink line appeared across the plastic pee stick, little Noah Finn was all that I could think about despite the fact that I was working everyday. I woke up and thought pregnancy, I peed (a lot) and thought pregnancy, I taught and thought pregnancy, I ate (a lot) and thought pregnancy, I slept (very little) and dreamed pregnancy. My growing abdomen was always on my mind.

This time is definitely different. Running after a bouncing, bounding, boisterous toddler while volleying between temporary living situations has certainly captivated the time that I don’t spend eating and sleeping. The fact of the matter is that constant urges to snack and slumber aside, I often forget that I’m pregnant.

What does all of this mean? Is it normal? I am betting so. But it certainly does recall those initial pangs of subtle trepidation I first experienced when pregnancy test number two revealed yet again that solid pink line: sharing the love. How does a mama who has experienced everything about mommying–pregnancy, birth, mothering–with one child not feel guilt about sharing such sacredness with another? It feels almost like cheating on the first.

Melodramatic? Perhaps. But, these are real anxieties, that while slowly fading as the months tick away, remain present nonetheless.

So, how does a mommy share the love–that smothering, doting, gooey love that’s gushed all over the first with the second and subsequent bundles of joy? Will my little Noah feel shortchanged and left out the decision making process–after all, he had no vote here!? Will he harbor feelings of abandonment and isolation, regress and insist on learning the alphabet Z thru A?

Think I’m being melodramatic, again? Perhaps. But these are tangible fears that I sometimes think about. That is, when I remember I’m pregnant anyway.

A few nights ago, my family went to a popular local pizza restaurant. Soon after we were seated, a family of three was seated at the booth next to us. My eight year old son said that he recognized the boy in the other family from school; they were in the same grade. The girl in that family appeared between one and two years younger than my own five-year-old daughter. The only other diner at the table was their mother.

After my family had placed our order and we were all busying ourselves with the puzzles and games on the children’s place mats and talking about our day, I would occasionally take a quick glance at the family at the next table.

I saw the kids involved in their own activities. The mother was absorbed in her Kindle, an e-book reader. There was no conversation. There was no interaction. The sister played by herself, the brother played by himself, and the mother was fully absorbed in her own activity.

Meanwhile at our table, my family was abuzz; my daughter and I were doing the crossword on her place mat, my husband was playing the dot game with our son on his place mat. We talked about their school day. We told some jokes. We talked about pizza.

When our food arrived, we all dove in. We talked between bites. Sometimes my kids talked during bites. Yeah, we gotta work on that.

When the other table’s food arrived, the mother packed up her Kindle. I was relieved to see that; I love to see other families interact!

While my family was still eating our dinner and the conversation had moved to whether or not we were going to attend the State Fair, I chanced a glance at the other table. The mother’s Kindle was still put away, but in its place was an iPhone that held her complete attention. The kids ate silently. The siblings didn’t talk amongst themselves. As the mother was absorbed in her iPhone, the mother wasn’t engaging them in conversation, either. The family was all together, yet they were all alone.

I don’t begrudge that woman’s use of the Kindle and the iPhone. In fact, I myself own both of those devices and I thoroughly enjoy them! What caught my eye was the lack of interaction. Kids can’t learn the art of conversation unless they are taught. My husband and I believe that one of our roles as parents is to set examples for our children. As such, we have strict rules: there is no reading at the table nor are phones allowed at the table. By asking questions and starting conversations, we are teaching our children how to be conversationalists; we are teaching them how to be with other people in an increasingly solitary world.

It could very well be that the family wanted to engage in conversation, but just didn’t know how to begin. Starting a dinner conversation is very easy! One great way to start is with a round robin. Everyone at the table must supply an answer to questions and directives such as:

• What was the best thing that happened to you today?
• What was the worst?
• What was the nicest thing you did for somebody today?
• Use three adjectives to describe your day today.
• In 60 seconds, tell as much about your day as your can.
• What books did you read today?

Oftentimes, questions like these can open the conversation into more diverse topics.

Dinnertime conversation is a great way for a busy family to connect after a full day, provides ample opportunities to find out what is on each other’s minds, and is a wonderful way for a family to stay connected!

What does your dinner table look and sound like?

Sarah is a mother of two school-aged kids.  She dislikes cooking, but immensely enjoys the dinner table.

photo credit: ednl

My family took our first major road trip this summer. We’ve taken smaller road trips before, but this year’s trip was to last 2 ½ weeks. My husband and I had been planning this trip for almost a year, and our whole family was looking forward to it!

Our final destination was over 1000 miles from our home, and while it is possible to drive it in two days, we decided not to do that. The kids, 8 and 5, had never been in a car for that long before, and to be honest, we wanted to make this easy on them. After all, this trip was for the entire family; we all have a right to enjoy ourselves! Therefore, we decided to take three days to drive to our destination, and three days driving back. This would mean less time in the car per day, and more opportunity to see sites along the way!

My main concern of the trip was how to entertain the kids in the car. Here are the things we kept in mind and thought about as we prepared:

To DVD or not: Our vehicle does have a DVD player, but to be honest, I’m not a fan of it. Each family must make the best decision regarding this for themselves, with their needs in mind. Our family has never used ours. We strictly limit screen time at home, and I don’t want to be plugging my kids into the DVD player on a car trip, which otherwise is perfect opportunity for family togetherness!

Be aware of your child’s limits: I didn’t expect my kids to sit and converse for the entire trip. I know their limits, I know their capabilities, and I know their ages! I did not expect them to suddenly act differently or suddenly age five years in the midst of a major road trip. Similar to the dog years rule, one adult hour in the car equals four kid hours! My kids usually get along spectacularly well, but I was aware that they’re normally not strapped into a car for an entire day on a regular basis, either! In abnormal circumstances, it’s entirely possible they could act abnormally.

Plan activity bags: For the few weeks prior to the trip, I packed special travel bags for the the kids. I included Mad Libs, activity books, colored pencils, regular pencils, and drawing paper. I printed off a bunch of webpages, such as information on each state that we would be traveling through, a map of the US where they can check off the all the different license plates we see, dot-to-dots for my youngest, and mazes and puzzles for my oldest. I kept back half the the items and activities, so that I could give them new items for the trip home. I also included little snacks in their bags, renewed every day, so that they could help themselves whenever they were feeling peckish instead of whining “I’m hungry!!”

Audiobooks: The last thing I did to prepare for the trip was to stock up on audiobooks. I checked them out for free from the local library. My original plan had been to read to the kids on the journey, but then I realized that I’m going to be facing forward with my seatbelt on, and it will be difficult for the kids in the back to hear me. So I settled on audiobooks. I got a broad variety of chapter length audiobooks; some the kids are familiar with, and also some new ones. I then printed off a list of all the audiobooks available, and included a copy in each kid’s activity bag.

It’s now been six weeks since we traveled, and I’m ecstatic to report that the trip was a success! We all loved our “car days”, as we called them. We loved talking and singing together, and being with each other for over two weeks! We all loved the audiobooks, and the kids enjoyed their activities. There were no quarrels, no whining, and no impatience. We discovered lots of playgrounds along the way, and saw lots of sites that the kids would never have seen otherwise. They learned things about each state we visited. They each kept a trip journal. They waded in two of the Great Lakes!

My husband and I are already making preliminary plans for our next road trip! We love being together in the car!

What are your tips for keeping kids occupied in the car?

photo credit: thomas pix

Sarah is the mother of two delightful children, and drives way more than she ought.

I spent the last nine days worrying and praying for my 19-year-old niece who was hospitalized again for a problem stemming from her kidney disease. Her strength and stamina are inspiring, her tears are gut-wrenching and her journey is still an uphill climb. One realization for all of us this week is that she can never live by the same rules enjoyed by her peers. While most collegians survive on pizza and experiment with alcohol, my niece can get sick from too little sleep and too much stress. It doesn’t take much to upset the delicate balance of keeping her body healthy. She must adhere to very different rules and regulations.

I’ve based the last decade of my life around finding balance and order out of consistent routines, and modeling consistent behavior as a parent to three young children. I advise countless souls on the wonder of setting up a routine and sticking with it. I preach consistency to my husband in the way he reacts to misbehaving children and to always follow through with a promise (or threat). So what if you need special rules for special circumstances or separate rules for each child? My answer: so be it.

Parenting is not a religion; there are no mandates written in stone on whether or not you should put children to bed before 8 p.m. or after 8 p.m. The world is not black or white, and I literally have zero tolerance for any policy that involves zero tolerance. We are one tribe, but with vastly different life experiences. Our children may be from one family, but they have vastly different personalities and physical capabilities. While we set up our rules for the family about behavior, daily routines and expectations; we are careful about considering all the members of our family and adjusting our rules to fit.

MOM DARE: Well, first, give your children a huge hug and send up your thanks for their good health. You should never take that for granted. Next, relax one rule. That’s it. If you have only one child, watch to see how they react. For multiple children, see who benefits and who does not. And it can be any rule: move back bedtime, let them skip a veggie for dinner, allow them to eat in the family room or whatever works for you. Sometimes parenting (and childhood) can be a little more fun when you loosen a few of your strings.

Sharron Wright is the work-at-home mother of three girls, ages 2, 5 and 7. Her mission is to help other new parents feel empowered and to instill in them the confidence to care for their babies in a loving, positive way that respects the uniqueness of all children. She blogs at http://momswithgrace.wordpress.com.