Welcome to the second of the 2010 Attachment Parenting International Blog Carnivals. Today’s carnival focuses on the 1st Principle of Parenting – Feed With Love and Respect.

Here is an excerpt from the 1st Principle:

Feeding a child involves more than providing nutrients; it is an act of love. Whether providing for the very intense hunger needs of a newborn, or serving meals at the family dinner table, parents can use feeding time as an opportunity to strengthen their bonds with their children.

Below is an excerpt from each contributor as well as a link to read the post in its entirety. If you didn’t get a chance to participate this month, join us next month as we celebrate API’s 3rd Principle of Parenting – Respond With Sensitivity. The submission deadline is April 9. Click to find out more about participating in on of API’s monthly parenting blog carnivals.

Without further ado, here’s how other attachment parenting families Feed With Love and Respect. Please note that these links will open in a new window.

Love – The Secret Ingredient For Healthy Self-Esteem

In my house, like the maternal figures who came before me, I mindfully love my children through the language of food.* Special occasions especially provide a wonderful opportunity for me to go all out. New baby on its way while I’m in labour? No problem, just pass me the flour and let’s make a welcoming cake! And what better way to show love to a new arrival but with the milk that flows from our breasts.

How to teach your children healthy eating habits in 10 simple steps

A lot of people struggle with teaching their kids how to eat healthy and stay away from salty, fatty and sweet snacks. Teaching them a healthy eating pattern shouldn’t be very difficult if you respect of the following set of simple rules.

Feeding and Eating With Love and Respect

For me, feeding Baby with love and respect has meant drastically changing my diet. It seems to be common knowledge in the breastfeeding community that a few foods, like broccoli and chocolate, can sometimes cause gassiness and fussiness in babies (Although many breastfeeding websites, including La Leche League, dispute even that, as seen here.) But as my baby and I learned the hard way, there are many, many foods that can bother the sensitive tummy of a baby.

The Power of the Breast

Those of us that choose to breastfeed to do for a variety of reasons… because we know it is healthiest for both ourselves and our babes, because it’s free and convenient. Most of us continue to breastfeed, though, because of the amazing bond that it creates.

Respect and Trust the Fussy Eater

Having a fussy eater in the family can be the cause of much anxiety and tension. Young children, by nature, tend to be picky about their food. It seems that they love to turn their noses up at the meals over which we labour all day to serve them.

I nurse my children…

I’m a low supply mom, and as such, I don’t make enough milk for my children. We knew this was a possibility before our first child was born, but that didn’t make it feel any less devastating to me when it was confirmed. I wanted to breastfeed my children.

When Toddlers’ need R.E.S.P.E.C.T

The time my midwife handed me my baby wrapped in towels for her very first introduction to her mommy’s milk, I thought “this is going to be a breeze!” The next morning, I was in tears. I was up all night with my ribs feeling like they were caving in and by morning, I was no longer fitting in the one blouse I had brought with me.

Overcoming Challenges to Build a Strong Breastfeeding Relationship

I had a lot of struggles breastfeeding Zoë. I talk a little bit about it here and here. Even with all of the struggles and frustration, we made it to 13 months because I took the time to work through the issues because it was important to me.

Breastfeeding Against Medical Advice

Last week I was told by my daughter’s pediatrician to stop breastfeeding. Brianna is already on the lean side and had lost a little weight. “You need to stop nursing her. You are keeping her from being hungry for other foods. It is best if you just stop cold turkey – that will be easiest,” she said.

Feeding Sadie with love and respect

Following the principle, Feeding with Love and Respect, has been pretty straightforward so far. I first typed “easy,” but then I remembered it took us 12 weeks (!) to get into the swing of breastfeeding, so I had to retract that statement.

Yummies for Aiden’s Tummy

From the moment I learned of my pregnancy with Aiden, I became super careful of what I put into my body. I drank so much water and when I did occasionally have a soda it was a Hansen’s and not a Pepsi. I added more fresh fruits and vegetables to my diet and cut out red meat completely

Attachment Parenting Carnival: Feed Me

During my pregnancy, like many other mothers I did as much research as I possibly could and wanted to be sure that my husband and I were making the best decisions not only for us but of course for the baby.

Feeding with respect: Stopping when they’re full

Let your children decide how much they want to eat. That’s my advice. As a caveat right off, it might not be applicable in certain instances. I can think of several medical conditions off the top of my head where following my advice might be dangerous, and I can think of situations where older children, not raised with such freedom, might abuse it.

How to Set Up a Food Tree

Food trees are a way of providing a person or family with food when they could most use some help, like when a new baby enters the family or someone has surgery, a death or any other kind of need.

Dinner Time

One of my favorite childhood memories is sitting at the dinner table with my family. We almost always ate together and often spent quite a while sitting at the table talking together after. I was in high school before I found out how rare family dinner time is in many homes.

Feeding My Family with Love and Respect

During this chapter of early parenting years, I personally feel a great sense of my own femininity when nurturing my children with their daily sustenance. I feel connected to all other mothers in the world through this practice — including animals — especially birds for some reason. Funny that one of my 20-something nicknames was “Monnie Bird.”

Feeding With Love (An API Blog Carnival Entry)

When your baby is born, one of the first things you do is hold her, comfort her, and then feed her.

Feed with Love and Respect at Any Age – Attachment Parenting Carnival

Dylan is just over 2 and is still breastfeeding. It’s not that often anymore – in the morning, before naptime on days I’m not at work, before bedtime and sometimes at night. OK…so maybe that seems like a lot – but it’s nothing compared to the every hour on the hour schedule we used to be on!

Related posts:

1. Feed With Love and Respect Blog Carnival Deadline is Friday
2. Feeding an Orally Defensive Child with Love and Respect
3. Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting Blog Carnival

I spend a lot of time writing and speaking to people about the values I hold as a person who practices attachment/responsive parenting. I try to use facts and logic to respectfully encourage others to research their parenting decisions and embrace ideas that might have been uncomfortable a generation ago, such as full-term breastfeeding and breastfeeding in public, leaving our sons intact, responding to our children with love and respect, and realizing the detrimental effects of physical discipline.

Looking through some recent pictures of my son (Kieran), I realized that we (as parents who share these values) might be doing more just by modeling these concepts to our children. Of course I will continue to extol the value of full-term breastfeeding, and I will defend every mother’s right to nurse in public when, where and how she wants to. But I take immense comfort in the fact that my son might not need to fight these same battles because we are normalizing it for his generation, simply by living.

Here are some examples of how the Eight API Principles are being normalized for my son every day:

Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and Parenting

My sister recently had a baby (this picture is of Kieran with my sister only weeks before she gave birth). Throughout her pregnancy, we talked with Kieran about how babies grow in their mama’s tummies. He loved feeling my sister’s stomach, and he often talked about the baby growing in his own belly.

Someday, I hope that he will experience the pregnancy of his own little brother or sister. I look forward to his thoughts on all of the changes that will occur in my body. We will prepare him for his sibling’s homebirth and allow him to participate as fully as is practical and comfortable for everyone.

Feed with Love and Respect

Kieran is 25 months old and still loves his mama’s milk. He doesn’t see breastfeeding (at home or in public) as weird or aberrant. In fact he thinks exactly the opposite – he loves seeing a mother nursing. Any time we hear a child cry or see a child get hurt, he immediately turns to me with a very concerned expression and says, “baby get mama’s milk!”

When my sister stayed with us last week shortly after she had her baby, Kieran would often crawl into my lap to nurse when he saw my sister nursing. He smiled and said on more than one occasion, “two babies drink mama’s milk!” On the day that she left, he began carrying his heavy baby everywhere. He has since taken to nursing it frequently, changing its diaper, wearing it, and generally parenting it in a very loving way.

Respond with Sensitivity

We have always believed in the value of Kieran’s cries (we never “cried it out”), and now that he is a toddler we make every effort to respect and respond to his often tumultuous emotions. Tantrums are not punished, they are weathered with love. I believe that Kieran will benefit from our responsiveness, and he will in turn be kind and empathetic to others.

Using Nurturing Touch

In the picture above, Kieran is examining his new cousin’s tiny toes for toe jam. He also enjoyed gently stroking his cousin’s face and head. He really is gentle!

His gentleness is probably a result of the nurturing touch we try to provide Kieran. I often joke that I spent the first month of Kieran’s life topless, but it’s the truth. After a stay in the NICU, a bad latch, and problems with my lazy nurser, I believe that our extensive skin-to-skin contact had a lot to do with our eventual successful breastfeeding relationship.

We are also big fans of babywearing. We’ve thoroughly enjoyed our Moby Wrap, ring sling, Ergo, and Action Baby Carrier. Kieran was excited to get a mei tai that is just his size, he uses it to transport his heavy baby around the house.

Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally

We have always co-slept – it works for our family. We have no plans to transition Kieran out of the family bed, in fact we just got a bigger bed in case we have #2 sometime soon. I am pleased that there are studies that demonstrate the many benefits of bedsharing, but I don’t need studies to confirm the fact that we are all well-rested!

Provide Consistent and Loving Care

We have worked hard to rearrange our priorities so that I can stay home full time with Kieran. It is important to us that Kieran have a parent for his primary caregiver. It has been such a blessing to have this time with him, and I hope that Kieran will grow up knowing that there are a whole host of ways that children can be lovingly cared for.

Practice Positive Discipline

My husband and I practice responsive, gentle parenting. We do not believe in striking or withdrawing love in order to modify our child’s behavior. We model appropriate behavior and try to view specific instances as “teachable moments” rather than misbehavior that calls for consequences.

While we were making dinner a few days ago, Kieran brought up something that happened during a play date. Kieran had wanted a toy that another child was playing with, and instead of asking for a turn he pushed the child. The little girl fell and cried. At the time, I pulled Kieran into my lap and we talked for a minute about asking to take a turn and why we need to use gentle touches. I apologized to the little girl and the two continued playing.

Kieran recalled this incident out of the blue: “NeeNee [that's what he calls himself] push Molly. Molly cry.” I said “yes, Molly fell down and got hurt. She was sad.” Kieran said “NeeNee want toy!” I said, “when you want a toy, it helps to ask for a turn.” Kieran looked thoughtful for a moment and said “Take turn. Soft touch.”

If I had punished him for that incident – if I had spanked him or sent him to a corner or forced him to apologize – would he have been able to process it and discuss it later? I don’t know. But I do know that we are instilling values in him that will serve him well for the rest of his life, and we are doing it by respecting him as a person, not by trying to control his behavior.

Strive for Balance in Your Personal and Family Life

We do strive for balance, although we sometimes fall short of getting enough mama & papa time. But we do give Kieran a variety of structured and unstructured activities, time with both parents, time away with friends (I swap child care with a close and trusted friend one day a week), time with extended family, etc. We do take care to talk with Kieran about the fact that mama and papa have needs too, and we are modeling empathy and concern for each other.

_________________________

What AP principle are you normalizing for your children?

How can you tell that your children are internalizing these values?

Do you have pictures of your kids modeling an AP principle? Link to them in the comments!

Related posts:

1. Weaning in the Context of AP
2. AP and Grandparents
3. What on earth were we thinking? (Part 1 of series on preparing for baby #2)

Nursing at 11 months

No, child-led weaning is not propaganda spread by La Leche League. It truly exists. I’d begun to wonder, honestly, even though I’d heard stories of friends, and friends of friends, whose children had weaned themselves. But now I’ve experienced natural weaning firsthand and I’m here to tell you it actually happens because my son just weaned himself!

In fact, he stopped nursing on New Year’s Day, but I’ve been waiting to make sure it was real, that I didn’t jinx it by declaring that it was so. Call me superstitious, but I didn’t want the milk gods to revive Cavanaugh’s interest or engorge my breasts.

This weaning has been gradual and I wondered if it would ever happen. What I kept reading and hearing is that children wean themselves when they’ve fulfilled the need to nurse. They won’t need a pacifier or to suck their thumb. They will be able to get food and comfort and whatever else that sucking reflex provided them from something else. Sure, I kept thinking, but when?

One of my friends asked if Cavanaugh would still be nursing when he was twelve. “Yes,” I answered, “he’ll be nursing until he leaves for college.” What other response was there?

Extended breastfeeding freaks people out. The idea of a walking talking kid, old enough to go to preschool, still lying on his mama’s lap and getting some milk is not something most people even think about.

I hadn’t. When Cavanaugh was born, I planned to nurse for at least twelve months, which is the recommendation by the American Academy of Pediatrics. (Editor’s Note: The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends nursing exclusively for the first six months and then continue breastfeeding “for at least the first year of life and beyond for as long as mutually desired by mother and child”.) Then I thought I’d go at least two years, as the World Health Organization recommended. But the more I read about how most cultures in the world breastfeed, the less I had any idea how long I’d nurse Cavanaugh. The truth was I planned on doing it until he was done. I just didn’t know when that would be.

We nightweaned when he was two. I knew he could sleep blocks of at least four – five hours because he’d been doing it. When he suddenly started waking up every 45 minutes or even every hour and a half, I thought I would die of sleep deprivation. He needed to learn some other sleep associations besides nursing. Nightweaning was hard but within weeks, Cavanaugh was sleeping through the night.

Quickly, the daytime nursings diminished as well. First, I stopped nursing in public, as most people practicing extended breastfeeding in this country do. That’s why no one realizes it’s happening. They just don’t see it.

Then I limited nursing to just before and after nap and bedtime. So before he went to sleep and when he woke up, he nursed. We’d rapidly gone from 15+ down to four times a day.

Soon he stopped asking to nurse when he woke up from nap. Then he stopped taking naps, so the nursing before that disappeared. By age 2 1/2, Cavanaugh stopped asking for milk in the mornings. He was ready to get up and play.

So for months, he’s only been nursing right before bed. I kept feeling like if I could ever stop nursing, I would lose some of the mama goddess weight I was carrying. You know the pendulous breasts and round belly statues of old?

A friend suggested I put cabbage leaves in my bra to dry up the milk, but I really wanted the timeline to be Cavanaugh’s. Though I’d stopped on-demand nursing and limited the locations or times when he could breastfeed, I hoped that Cavanaugh and I could end our nursing relationship when he didn’t need milk or the comfort of the breast any longer.

The night nursings had gone from ten minutes to five to three or less. But for over a month, he’s only nursed for one to two minutes. How long can this go on? I wondered. Then, on Christmas, Cavanaugh lay with his back to me, as if we were going to spoon. He said, “I want some milk.”

“But you can’t get milk that way.”

“How can I get milk?”

Was it honestly possible that he had forgotten how to nurse? He’d just done it the night before. I said, “You have to face me to reach the milk.”

“Can you help me?”

I turned him over and pulled out my breast. He barely latched on, didn’t suck, popped off, then turned his head to drink from the other breast. Maybe I just didn’t have any milk left in that one. But he did the same with the other breast. Could this be my Christmas present from Cavanaugh?

The next night he asked to nurse, needed help to lie in a nursing position again but actually latched on and nursed for at least a minute. I figured the timing of this ending was too good to be true.

But the night after that, he didn’t even ask for milk. And the night after that, he said, “Milk and sleep” when I asked what was going to happen when we were done with stories, but he was just reciting what our routine has been for months. When I offered water instead, he happily gulped some and went to sleep.

For the past couple of weeks, I’d been reminding him how he could put himself to sleep: “You lie on your pillow, hug your animals, close your eyes, and breathe slowly.” I’d also explained that he wasn’t asking for milk so much because he didn’t need it anymore. He could drink water when he was thirsty.

He hasn’t nursed since New Year’s and he doesn’t want to. Tonight before bed, he and I had our Nursing is Over talk (which I’ll write tomorrow, as this post is getting rather long) so I’m sure he’s done.

How does this relate to self-care? I just accomplished something that was hard, that took a long time, and a lot of patience. I helped my son accomplish something too. Though I started out with a goal of six months, our nursing relationship lasted just over three years.  I feel proud and relieved and like I took care of both of us.

How long do you hope to nurse? Have your ideas about your goals changed since having your child?

Sonya Fehér blogs at mamaTRUE: parenting as practice. She is writing a post every day this year about self care for mothers.

Source: Breastfeeding and the Use of Human MIlk – Recommendations on Breastfeeding for Healthy Term Infants – American Academy of Pediatrics

Related posts:

1. Natural process of weaning
2. On breastfeeding while pregnant
3. Keeping a-breast…

Button your shirt back up – that’s not exactly what we had in mind. But, you’re much more valuable to the breastfeeding experience than you think. Dads can certainly contribute to successful breastfeeding if it’s treated as a team effort. Here’s how to help mom and baby get off to a great start.

Speak up, your lady is listening! Does dad have any influence on mom’s decision to give baby breast milk or formula? To find out, researchers assigned one group of expectant fathers to take an infant care and breastfeeding information class, while another group learned about infant care only. Nearly twice as many mothers whose partners learned about breastfeeding decided to give it a try as did mothers whose partners learned about infant care only. It appears dad does have a say in the matter.

Get her started. Once the decision has been made, dads can help moms get the hang of it. Help your sleepy partner remember what the lactation consultant taught. Fetch her earmarked nursing books and tall glasses of ice-water with a bendy straw. Seek information and assistance before problems become overpowering. Your partner’s experience in the early days often determines whether or not she can happily continue. Do all you can to make breastfeeding convenient, troubleshoot problems, and help your partner embrace the many positive aspects of feeding time.

Keep her going. Sleep deprivation, soreness and feelings of incompetence can be overwhelming, especially while mom and baby are trying to learn a new skill. Dads can provide motivation to continue. Mothers of breastfeeding infants reported their partners’ commitment to breastfeeding, anticipating needs, and simple words of encouragement contributed to breastfeeding success. Never underestimate the value of letting your partner know how well she is doing, how beneficial her efforts are to the baby, and how much it means to you that she is so dedicated to breastfeeding.

As a father, you may not make the milk, but you don’t have to be a silent observer. You’re an important part of your baby’s feedings and mom’s support system.

Sources
Tohota J, Maycock B, Hauck Y, Howat P, Burns S, Binns C. Dads make a difference: an exploratory study of paternal support for breastfeeding in Perth, Western Australia. Int Breastfeed J. 2009; 4: 15. Published online 2009 November 29

Wolfberg AJ, Michels KB, Shields W, O’Campo P, Bronner Y, Bienstock J. Dads as breastfeeding advocates: results from a randomized controlled trial of an educational intervention. Am J Obstet Gynecol. 2004 Sep;191(3):708-12.

Photo: benklocek/Flickr

Related posts:

1. The Concerns of Co-Sleeping Dads
2. Nurse until you cry.
3. To tandem or not to tandem (Part 2 of series on preparing for baby #2)

Sweet Holiday Traditions from the Past
Many of my holiday memories revolve around food. Aside from my dad’s amazing turkey, stuffing, and gravy, there have always been Christmas cookies, Christmas fudge, stockings filled with candy – it’s no wonder I was a regular at the dentist. And it isn’t just the taste and smell of food that I remember; I reminisce about stirring marshmallow cream into mom’s huge metal pot, licking raw cookie dough off of the beaters, and arranging plates of goodies to deliver to friends.

My food-based memories are not unique. Sugar- and calorie-laden foods are simply a staple of the holiday season. A Google search for “holiday treats” returns thousands of sites dedicated to delivering recipes that will tempt your taste buds and disrupt your healthy habits.

Creating Healthier Holiday Traditions in the Present
Now that we are starting our own family traditions, I am trying to incorporate the fun and pleasure of holiday goodies without the overload of sugar. As a parent, it is my responsibility (and privilege) to nurture a taste for nutritious foods.

With that thought in mind, I want to share several recipes and tips to make your holiday snacks healthier than the traditional fare.

Recipes

1. Stovetop popcorn: microwave popcorn is dripping with chemicals that have been linked to cancer. Make your own healthy popcorn and season it to taste: toss in dried cranberries, sprinkle a little sea salt on, drizzle some honey over the top, or spice it up with your favorite herb-only (salt-free) seasoning. Make more memories by stringing some with your child and decorating a tree – indoors or out (the birds will appreciate it too).
2. Healthy Rice Crispy Treats: This version is much healthier than the original.
3. Non-Fat Chocolate Honey Dip with Seasonal Fruit: who says treats have to be baked to be delicious?!
4. Irish Brown Bread: make your mornings merry and bright with this healthy bread recipe. Serve hot with your favorite all fruit spread!
5. Pumpkin (Oatmeal, Cranberry, & Coconut) Chocolate Chip Cookies: we still do sweets – just in moderation. Here is my favorite cookie recipe, and it comes with the added health benefits of oatmeal, pumpkin, cranberries, and coconut!
6. Mixed Fruit and Nut Balls: little balls of trail mix heaven!

Tips

1. Use whole wheat flour instead of white (use half the amount called for in the recipe). Whole wheat flour is much more nutritious than white. The process used to mill white flour “removes about 80 percent of the nutrients that are present in whole wheat flour.” Yikes!
2. Replace half of the butter, shortening, or oil called for in your recipe with unsweetened applesauce, mashed banana, or prune puree.
3. Cut sugar in recipes by half, and/or replace sugar with honey or agave nectar.
4. Try frozen yogurt instead of ice cream in your frozen treats.

Instilling Lifelong Health Habits for the Future
Our goal is to help our son develop healthy eating habits that will give him the best start in life. We established a solid foundation of good nutrition by exclusively breastfeeding for the first 10 months; and I am still breastfeeding our two year old, which has numerous health benefits.

Hopefully our son will have his own cherished memories someday of working with mama in the kitchen to make delicious (and nutritious) holiday goodies.

Making holiday memories with Kieran

Related posts:

1. Positive Holiday Discipline
2. Gratitude and Rest
3. Creating Holiday Traditions

I am now into my fifth holiday season as an attached parent. Over the years my family has changed and grown, but one thing has remained true. Attachment parenting practices, like breastfeeding, babywearing and positive discipline, have made the holidays easier. They have smoothed the rough patches, helped me get things done, and provided everyone with a touchstone in the midst of the craziness that can happen at this time of year.

One of my big challenges over the holidays is my long to-do list. I am baking, crafting, shopping, wrapping gifts and on and on and on. A good baby carrier (or, you know, 14 good baby carriers, as the case may be) really helps me get through that list. When my toddler is on my back he’s happy and I have two free hands. It is much easier to mix up a batch of cookies when I know that my child is safely strapped to me, and not climbing on to the dining room table yet again.

My 10-month-old and I try out our new wrap in 2005

One of the other challenges I face over the holidays is getting healthy food into my children. My kids can be picky eaters sometimes, and usually turn their noses up at foods like yams and brussels sprouts that we don’t eat at home. Holiday meals are also heavy on the sweets, and of course the little ones head straight for them. But thanks to breastfeeding, I know that my toddler always has an excellent, nutritious food source readily available wherever we go.

When we’re visiting family the kids often wander off to play with their many relatives. This is great, but sometimes it can be overwhelming to little ones, and so time spent breastfeeding or babywearing can be almost like a retreat. They’re quick and easy ways to reconnect and help restore calm and reduce overstimulation. When I’m nursing I also get the chance to sit down, put my feet up, and let some other folks do the work for a bit.

Three years later, in 2008, we work on a gingerbread house together

I believe that respecting my children’s unique needs and abilities is very important. When I understand what my children are and aren’t capable of it reduces everyone’s frustration. After all, the easiest discipline problem to deal with is the one that doesn’t happen. This might mean that I avoid a crowded mall with an active toddler, that I leave a party early or that I set aside some time each day to spend with my preschooler. This kind of positive discipline helps things to go more smoothly at the holidays, and really any time of the year.

How about you? Have you found that attachment parenting helps you get through the holiday season? If so, please share. And, of course, have a great holiday season!

You can catch up with Amber’s regular adventures on her blog at Strocel.com.

Related posts:

1. Attachment Parenting and the Holidays
2. Positive Holiday Discipline
3. Creating Holiday Traditions

This week on The Attached Family online, Attachment Parenting International members can read the debut of the “Professional Parenting” series, a column written by Judy Arnall, Canadian mother of five and author of the widely acclaimed Discipline without Distress – you should see my well-worn copy of the book that gives parents real tried-and-true discipline techniques without resorting to spanking, yelling, or the infamous timeout.

This first column of Judy’s, “Gift-Giving from the Heart and Hands, Not the Wallet,” is so timely as the biggest shopping day of the year arrives the Friday following the American Thanksgiving Day…and another season of holiday gift-giving will soon commence as soon as we’ve all finished our turkey and pumpkin pie. Thing is, well, this recession we’re in…I can tell the economy is better than it was a year ago when announcements of job layoffs and company bankruptcies clogged the television news hours, but you know, it’s not to the point where many of us are willing to spend freely on non-essential living expenses. My family included, certainly.

In her column, Judy gives a long, long list of wonderful ideas for gifts that toddlers, preschoolers, older children, teens, and even parents can make themselves – with more heart than opening up the wallet. Let me tell you of some of my favorites:

• For toddlers…plant seeds indoors in clay pots, decorate the clay pots, and the flowers will bloom by spring. What a great idea!
• For preschoolers…make a batch of cookie dough and give it with a set of cookie cutters, oven mitts, and a pan. Genius!
• For older children and teens…now this list is basically endless but includes a variety of arts and crafts that, with a child’s natural creativity, could turn out just as good as anything you’d find in a store.

Read the whole list: Gift-Giving from the Heart and Hands, Not the Wallet. Access to The Attached Family online – the online extension of API’s quarterly print magazine – is a benefit of membership to API. Find login information on the Table of Contents page of the Summer 2009 “Feeding Our Children” issue of the magazine, or if you’ve joined recently, contact memberships [AT] attachmentparenting [DOT] org for more information. Not yet a member? Take advantage of our current membership special.

What else is being talked about this week’s The Attached Family online articles?

• Marian Tompson, co-founder of La Leche League International, discusses breastfeeding and HIV/AIDS in an interview about the AnotherLook nonprofit organization.
• Riet van Rooij, author and mother of two in the Netherlands, opens up about her book, Pregnant with Heart and Soul, now translated into English and German.

Related posts:

1. The Bedtime Challenge
2. Special Edition of The Attached Family Magazine
3. API’s July Membership Special – 15% Discount

Originally published on July 30, 2009 at m a m a :: m i l i e u.

Okay, yes those are lyrics to a 1985 Sting song, but they rang oh-so-true today when I came across a quote on my igoogle page. I have a daily literary quote rss feed on my google homepage. Yesterday, it featured a quote from American Poet, Mary Oliver, and all I could think about after reading it was “that lady must have kids.”

The quote went something like this:

“To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.”

I hate to reveal that it was only after watching “Benjamin Button” recently that I first had a paralyzing realization that I was indeed mortal. No, I didn’t think that I was a superhero or a downy white unicorn bathed in light before watching the film, I just hadn’t really given the dreary subject much thought.

It wasn’t until seeing poor ol’ Benji aging in reverse–from a wrinkled and crippled infant to a wrinkled and crippled old man–that I truly came face-to-face with the fact that I am nurturing the next generation–someone who will only be budding into puberty just as I will be waning into the second half of life. I will be grey and he will be pimply. I will be mom and he will be my rebellious teen. I will be Grandma and he will be Dad. I will be a memory and he will be Grandpa.

Your 20’s aren’t really a time when you waste much energy thinking about your inevitable and eventual end–you are just beginning what will hopefully be a long and successful life as an adult. Not even turning 30 this year changed all of that.

Having a baby did, however. Now, several times a day, I am saddened by the reality of time’s quick passing. At nights when I am rocking my sweet suckling baby as he drinks and sniffles at my breast, I already envision the time, not very far off from now, when those gentle quiet moments of pure raw love and mutual dependence will come to an end.

And my breast will eventually return to me. And from my breast, I will have to let him go. On to a sippy cup. On to a big boy cup. On to a fork and spoon.

While my eye is pressed to the camera’s viewfinder, I can feel time ticking each minute into the past and imagine my husband, myself and our son years from now watching what I am recording at that moment–laughing at our “dated” hair styles, cars, furniture, clothes–things which are for us now new and modern.

And, our home will return to us. And from our home, we will have to let him go. On to college. On to his own home. On to his own life.

There will come a time that I will have to let him go–let him flutter on without my constant guidance, nurturing, or intervention. And the time is coming sooner rather than later. The independence has already begun. I am preparing now for the”letting go”.

——-

Joni is a first time mommy, former teacher and lover of all things writing and cooking. She enthusiastically blogs about the pleasures and perils of natural mommying and wholesome organic cooking for your little foodie over at: www.mamamilieu.blogspot.com and www.feedinglittlefoodies.blogspot.com.

Related posts:

1. Weaning: What If Mom Isn’t Ready?
2. Keeping a-breast…
3. When you are feeling overwhelmed by breastfeeding

I am currently at the end of nursing my two youngest children through a bout of Influenza. This year’s strain of influenza, the Influenza A H1N1 is spreading rapidly and bringing with it messages of fear even for the most positive thinking parents. When children are sick it is natural for them to be afraid. I have put a lot of thought into the messages that I want my children to hear about their bodies, illness and their body’s ability to heal itself. This carries over into the way I want them to view issues of weight as they enter their teen and adult years and is a long term way of giving them the tools they need to avoid falling into the trap of eating disorders either on the under-eating or over-eating end of that spectrum.

While they were sick I kept repeating the message to them “Your body is strong, it will heal itself” and “yes you have a fever, the fever is a sign your body is working to fight off the virus,” “throwing up is a way for your body to get rid of the germs in your stomach and is a good thing” and “coughing is a way for your body to get germs out so it’s important to not take anything to stop the coughing.”

I believe the body wants to be well and is a self-healing entity and when we are fighting off the inevitable viruses that attack our bodies as important as a strong immune system is a strong belief in the body’s desire for balance and wellness. These are the messages I want my children to hear while they are sipping water, lying on the couch watching cartoons and fighting off whatever bug has bit them.

I am very careful not to jump for the pill bottle for them or myself and even do not jump to the herbal or natural remedies too quickly either and when I do I describe them as support for the body rather than a cure.

And as important as what I say is what I do. My children watch me and know what I am putting into my body, they know if I’m fearful when I get sick. They worry about mommy when she’s not well and I repeat the same messages to them. And they are always true. I rarely get sick but when I do I get better quickly.
They see it happen and they know it to be true.

I apply this same approach in the matter of discipline.

I believe that children want to behave in ways that avoids hurting others, that they want to be kind and gentle and do the right thing for others. I’ve seen very natural and spontaneous acts of kindness from very small children and believe that they naturally want to follow that course. They are just in need of guidance as to how their actions affect others. I don’t believe being fearful of a parent is conducive to imparting that message which is why I avoid punitive discipline.

The messages I try to relay in all those situations are ones of emotion. “That made your friend very happy when you gave her that toy, you must be very proud of yourself,” or “you didn’t mean to hurt your friend, you seem very sorry,” and “I am very proud of you.” The last one I say a lot and is not dependent upon their behaviour. It is important that they know how I feel about them outside of their behaviour and I tell them how proud I am of them at random moments.

Another message that I try to impart to them regularly is that I am absolutely thrilled to be their mom. I tell them that I am the luckiest mom because they are my children and that being their mom is my greatest joy.

This message is the most important one because it counterbalances those very human moments when I am not the most patient mom, they know how I really feel so that when I apologise for being angry or disappointing them or for making very human mistakes they believe it because they have seen through my words and most of my actions that I mean it.

From the very beginning, from the moment we respond to their first cry, to that toddler moment when we return a snatched toy to impress upon them that others have needs as well as theirs, while consoling them during illness and while tucking them in on a regular old night, the messages we give our children, spoken as well as acted, are soaked sponge-like into their brains.

And because of this the messages we send through our words and actions are probably our number one tool in shaping the adults they become and increases the likelihood that they will become emotionally strong, healthy, capable and truly happy adults.

Related posts:

1. It’s Not Called Permissive Parenting
2. Feeleez – An Empathy Game for Children
3. Enjoy the Now: Being Present With Your Children

Today is my son’s birthday; he is eight years old.  He is my firstborn.

I have been a parent for eight years.  My parenting has evolved during that time.

When I was first pregnant with him, I had visions of a cheery, chubby baby who would enter my life, but wouldn’t alter it significantly.  I’d still work, still exercise, still cook elaborate meals, and of course the house would remain clean!  I’d still go about my daily business, but accompanied by a baby in a bouncy seat who would nap quite a lot, and giggle and smile the rest of the time.

I have no idea why I had these thoughts.  I have a bachelor’s degree in child development; I knew without a doubt that babies are not like this!  But yet I remained in my own little pretend world.

In my college years, I had learned the huge benefits of breastfeeding, and knew without a doubt that I would breastfeed my baby.  In perusing the internet on breastfeeding information, I came across a term: attachment parenting.

This sounded fabulous!  As my pregnancy progressed and I began to feel closer and more bonded to the baby inside me.  I knew that this attachment parenting sounded right.  To hold my baby as much as I wanted!  To not encourage crying!   To bring my baby everywhere!  It sounded wonderful!

I looked at it from an academic point of view.  Of course this would encourage bonding, and closeness, and would ease and eliminate the baby’s stress.

As such, I purchased a sling and a co-sleeper.  But I also bought a crib.  Aren’t you just supposed to have a crib?   I had visions of me going into the baby’s room in the middle of the night to nurse him, happy as could be, and then laying him back down in his crib and going back to bed to finish my refreshing night’s sleep.

I felt ahead of the game and completely prepared because I started attending La Leche League when I was about six months pregnant.  I read all sorts of breastfeeding books.  I attended Bradley childbirth lessons.  This whole baby thing was going to be a breeze!

And then he was born.

And I didn’t sleep for the next six weeks.

My son was born with an oral aversion which made nursing difficult.  He cried.  He woke in the middle of the night a lot.   He didn’t smile or giggle or like his bouncy seat.

I was so tired.

It never occurred to me that a baby might be cold or hot or have a scratchy tag.  He just cried, and I didn’t know why!   Dressing him was completely unlike dressing a doll.  Was I feeding him enough?  Was I not feeding him enough?   Our pediatrician told us about fevers, but how in the world do I know if my baby has a fever?

Why didn’t my husband have breasts so I could just sleep for four hours in a row?

Even though I knew the academics of attachment parenting, putting it into practice was like a lightbulb going off.   My baby spent a total of one night in the co-sleeper, before he was just in our bed. We found that when we held him, he slept.  He and I worked through the first part of the oral aversion and got our nursing down pat.  After my husband’s month-long paternal leave ended, I was nervous about being alone with The Baby.  We made it work; I held him for eight hours and read books while he nursed.  As he got older we joined playgroups, mommy and me times, and attended LLL.

The crib became a toy repository and cat hideaway.

It is now eight years later, and my boy’s a second grader.  He’s 100% on solid food.   He sleeps all night, and in his own bedroom.  Heaven help me if ever asked to be in the sling.   He is responsible, smart, hardworking, kind, respectful, caring, empathic, and friendly.

Happy birthday to my amazing kid!  You are the dream of my past, the joy of my present, and the key to the future.

I’ve previously written about my son’s oral aversion at API Speaks.

Related posts:

1. AP in the Hospital
2. Falling Short
3. The Making of Me