Guest post: Attachment Parenting Tips by Judy Arnall

A new book just release from API Resource Advisory Council Member, Judy Arnall, with proceeds supporting Attachment Parenting Canada!

No parenting theory. No opinions. No judgment…

Just Solutions!

Attachment Parenting Tips is an easy-to-use reference book of ideas to solve every common parenting problem that arises while raising children from 0 – 13 years of age and beyond. Each tip is respectful, gentle, and non-punitive. Written by a certified parent educator and mother of five grown attachment-parented children, this book is bursting with over 3,000 practical tips tested by real parents. Every topic in parenting is covered, from feeding and sleep, to bullying and homework, and the strategies can be put to use immediately. However I love Practical Parents in Training that has many tips on new parenting techniques

“A much needed reference book with no theory – just plenty of neuro-biologically informed, kind and effective strategies for the everyday challenges parents face.” Lysa Parker, MS, Co-founder, Attachment Parenting International and coauthor of Attached at the Heart.

Get helpful strategies on…

  • The Baby years: sleeping, breastfeeding, and crying.
  • The Toddler years: tantrums, the world of No!, toilet training, picky-eating, hitting and sleep challenges.
  • The Preschool years: power struggles, not listening, lying, angry meltdowns, and sibling jealousy.
  • The School-aged years: homework, friends, peers, stealing, school, attitude, chores, discipline, allowances, relationships and screen-time.
  • The Teen years: the one tool that works for all teen issues.
  • General AP Tips: More tools for babies to teens.

Every challenge includes a brain and child development tip for that age and issue!

All proceeds go to support Attachment Parenting Canada Association

Learn more

Guest post: Kid Care Approved: Trusted Media Reviews

Peggy O’Mara (Peggyomara.com) shared with API about Kid Care Approved, Inc. Learn more about Pamela Chamber’s effort on behalf of parents, and note that they are looking for book reviewers and book contest judges!
My first children’s book was written from my heart, soul, and mind. I wanted to help children and had such a feeling of accomplishment when I imagined all the lives that might be changed because of my book. So, you can imagine my disappointment when I saw negative reviews of the book on Amazon. My heart was crushed and I was devastated when I saw those negative reviews.

WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE PAIN?

Those labor pains of negative reviews gave birth to my new company, Kid Care Approved, Inc. In 2010, about 10 years into my counseling profession, we were on the edge of a crisis. The stepfamily was poised to become the most prevalent family in America and these new stepfamilies were divorcing at a rate of over 70%.

The children between the ages of 3 – 10 years of age that walked into my counseling office shared their struggles with me about their new stepfamilies. My award-winning children’sbook, My Mommy’s Getting Married, was a translation of those children’s voices that poured their hearts out to me. I wanted to help these children and their parents with this book.

My Mommy’s Getting Married is based on research and tells the story of the two most important things parents can do to help their children adjust to a new stepparent:

  1. Spend one-on-one time with their own biological children.
  2. Have repeated loyalty bind talks over and over with their children.

A loyalty bind is when the child feels as if he/she is betraying the biological parent if they care for the new stepparent. The biological parent needs to have loyalty talks continually with his/her child. These talks can help loosen the loyalty binds and help the child begin to care about his/her new family members.

Those negative reviews on Amazon were inaccurate. They said that children at these ages—between four and eight—weren’t thinking about the things that I wrote about in this book. The research proved otherwise. It showed that children were thinking about these things and they were acting out because they didn’t have a voice. The children’s voices in my office were sharing these struggles with me and my children’s book, My Mommy’s Getting Married, is a summary of the pain these children were feeling in their new stepfamilies.

KID CARE APPROVED

Because of these inaccurate reviews, an epiphany came to me and I said, “I need a “Psychologist’s Seal of Approval.”  With that thought in mind, I’ve embarked on my mission to turn Kid Care Approved, Inc. into a trusted platform for parents, a place to find top research-backed books and tools.

Kid Care Approved is changing the way parents and teachers choose media. We are a review aggregator, similar to Rotten Tomatoes, that reviews and curates children’s books and tools. We grant a Kid Care Seal of Approval to the best books and tools with scientific research to back them up.

Honoring and respecting our great research institutions, we are bringing the most up-to-date research to anyone who interacts with children: authors, media creators, publishers, filmmakers, teachers, psychologists, and parents, just like you. We are helping parents and educators to guide and not punish and to find quality materials that offer sensitive and effective ways to educate their children.

Starting this new project was both scary and exciting. Parents are bombarded with tons of daily advice. I had a lot of concerns:

  • How will we differentiate ourselves from other sites that are out there?
  • How will we find parents to connect with?
  • Will parents find our platform valuable?

While Kid Care Approved is just at the beginning of our journey, I am absolutely blown away by the outpouring of support we’ve receivedOur social media is reaching thousands of parents each month and website traffic and subscribers are growing at incredible rates. Unfiltered conversations that we have in our private Facebook group once again validate the need for curating high-quality, research-backed media for parents.

WHO WE ARE AND WHAT WE DO

Kid Care Approved also supports parents by packaging top research tools into small “digestible” bitesThere is no shortage of research out there, but it is frequently overwhelming and impossible to act on. We regularly release downloadable research-backed tools. These tools tackle different issues parents face daily from sleep to food supplements to stress and self-care. A couple of our powerful and most sought-after tools are:

  • Parenting Style Assessment:A two-page questionnaire that helps parents evaluate their own style and its impact on their child’s well-being and development.
  • ADHD Assessment Questionnaire: Research shows that ADD and ADHD symptoms can be a byproduct of not getting enough sleep. This tool helps uncover the lack of sleep that is frequently mistaken for ADHD.

We are a team of experimental psychologists, clinical psychologists, and psychology students engaged in child development research at top universities across the country. Our team includes respected educators such as Dr. Yarrow Dunham at Yale University, Dr. Nicole McNeil at the University of Notre Dame, and Dr. Christa Lynch at Arizona State University, among others. We carefully vet all of our reviewers to ensure we have an experts-only team.

We review books and tools that offer the best-researched methods for parents in educating their children. Our books aren’t afraid to tackle tough topics like anxiety, depression, grief, and lossThese books can help children develop resiliency and gain an understanding of their emotions. We want them to know their feelings are mentionable and manageable. The books also offer parents realistic expectations for their children’s behavior. Here are excerpts from two of our reviews.

FEATURED BOOK REVIEWS FROM KID CARE APPROVED

You Should You Should! 
Written and illustrated by Ginny Tilby
2017
32 pages
Ages 3 to 6
Familius

This book is about finding and developing the self, so it is fine that the emphasis is on how individuals shouldn’t just conform to other people’s expectations and rules. But given that young children are still learning about norms in social interactions, conforming to norms is also important for children’s adjustment in the social world (Rakoczy & Schmidt, 2013), perhaps it’ll be good to help them differentiate when it is good to conform and when they should be themselves. Reviewed by PhD Candidate in Development Psychology at Yale University. Please read full review here.

Tessie Tames Her Tongue: A Book about Learning When to Talk and When to Listen
Written by Melissa Martin
Illustrated by Charles Lehman
2017
36 pages
Ages 5 to 9
Free Spirit Publishing

The characters in Tessie Tames her Tongue promote acceptance and normalizing of diversity as well as help teach children cultural competence.  A large body of research on children’s literature has noted the positive influence of racially diverse characters on children’s understanding of diversity and acceptance.” Reviewed by Eleanor Lyman, University of Notre Dame. Please read full review here.

Through KCA, we want to help create champions in children to achieve self-efficacy, build character, tackle puberty, and find a positive outlook in order to achieve their goals. That’s why I started Kid Care Approved. So, help us to help you by using research to help children thrive! I invite you to check out one of our tools and be a part of the conversations about parenting with families just like yours via our private Facebook group.


Pamela Chambers is an author, entrepreneur, counselor and founder of Kid Care Approved.  Pamela received her  Master’s Degree in Education at Northern Arizona University with an emphasis in counseling.  She worked as a high school counselor, did contract work with many children’s welfare and behavioral health not-for-profit agencies in Arizona and went on to the field of Forensic Psychology. Currently she enjoys a private counseling and coaching practice in Scottsdale Arizona. Pamela is an award winning author with her children’s book, My Mommy’s Getting Married. She is the mother of five children and has four grandchildren. Pamela has lived in Scottsdale, Arizona for 25 years.

We share the same name

“Mom,” my daughter texts to get my attention. Before I get a chance to respond comes an emphatic “Mahm” in text but I hear it in her voice, “Mom” with elongated vowels.

A call of “Mom” coming from the playground parking lot makes me turn and look, but I know my son is on the playground. I look to see who will answer to this call for “Mom.”

I think to myself how we all answer to the same name.

The title that becomes our name connects us in understanding. It connects us in our love of our children and other children. It connects us to each other.

We work to raise compassionate, strong children with healthy secure attachment, changing the world and the lives of children calling “Mom.”

In community, we lift each other up as we answer to the same name (learn more about that name in this fascinating article!).

We wish you a truly Happy Mother’s Day from API!

How will you celebrate life this year?

I won a 5-day stay at a Hawaiian resort at an API online auction and celebrated an unforgettable 70th birthday with my two daughters.\

None of us had ever been to Hawaii before, so we excitedly planned our 5-day itinerary. We gave ourselves plenty of time between activities to really soak in the beauty, knowing we’d want to relax in the incredible variety of landscapes that ranged from crystal clear beaches to grand canyons.

During our visit, we enjoyed a traditional luau at our resort and attended several other hula performances. We learned that no chicken or rooster looks alike!

We experienced the most beautiful sunset of my life.

I was personally gratified to complete a challenging hike to the Queen’s Bath, a natural tide pool. I was nervous to see a baby shark in the holding pool, but my former marine biologist daughter reassured everyone (except me!).

The most amazing experience was the door-free helicopter tour of the mountains and canyons. It was a terrifying and exhilarating experience!

This trip showed me that 70 is just a number, and sharing that milestone with my daughters seemed to complete the circle of life.

My birthday trip was filled with joyful memories the three of us will treasure forever.

This year, my goal is even more ambitious: to include the sons and daughters in law in the next trip!

(May the best bid win!)

Proceeds for this auction will be used to support parents, children and families with free support groups, research-based materials, leader training, resources and technologies through Attachment Parenting International.

 

 

We took our two young children – it was amazing

I was bidding in a past API online auction, just doing my part to help API support more families. Ok, ok, truth be told, supporting my favorite cause (API) was the perfect reason for me to bid (shop!) for things I might not ordinarily even think about.
I got some great items and gifts, but maybe you can imagine my surprise when I actually won an exotic trip.
I hadn’t expected to win, so I immediately went into parent-mode, wondering all manner of things like: was it even possible to attempt? How would the kids deal with such a long and exotic trip? How would the sleeping arrangements work? What was the food like? Were there enough family activities to keep everyone happy? In other words, how much work would this be for me? Would I get to relax or would I be in constant “management mode?”
My husband and I aren’t the types to lounge all day at the spa while the kids hang out in the kid’s “club,” but the kids weren’t old enough to do significant, all-day adventures either. How would this trip work out?
As it turned out, the planning, the travel itself and the destination were the stuff of legend and lore. We’ll never stop talking about the adventures.
Our top five “GOATs” (greatest of all time):
  1. Roosters really are effective alarm clocks!
  2. Nature’s beauty absolutely melts minor discomforts and complaints
  3. GPS isn’t always helpful or necessary
  4. It’s always good to get really clear about the complete and specific conditions of each family member’s ability to enjoy boating BEFORE setting out on a boat!
  5. Getting out of our usual places and routines allows new adventures and stronger bonds to form
Tomorrow, API is auctioning seven more amazing trips like the one my family took.
The destinations seem even more incredible and the details provided allow families to pick and choose what works best. Parents will really get to relax.
Be sure to look these trips over and plan to take advantage of this fleeting family time. Say YES! to these trips as experiences that become special memories.
Bid on ebay starting tomorrow, March 21 – 31. Ask friends and family to join in and make it a celebration.
Get ready to relax, enjoy your family and help support other families at the same time. Don’t let the sun go down on these great trips.
Proceeds for this auction will be used to support parents, children and families with free support groups, research-based materials, leader training, resources and technologies through Attachment Parenting International. Open to API registered state residents in Tennessee, Georgia, South Carolina, Iowa, Indiana, New York, California, Florida, Louisiana, Missouri, and Texas. 

Is Sleep Training Medically Harmful? That’s Not the Point

By Alexis Schrader

Again and again the articles pop up in parenting magazines and blogs- sleep training your baby is fine, they say, because there is no proven medical harm. While you can point to studies’ failed methodology (http://evolutionaryparenting.com/no-stress-in-sleep-training-a-response/), and argue that other studies (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out)  and medical associations (https://www.aaimhi.org/key-issues/position-statements-and-guidelines/AAIMHI-Position-paper-1-Controlled-crying.pdf) say otherwise, I don’t bother. The truth is, there are so many articles out there, parents will always find something that says sleep training isn’t harmful if that’s what they want to do.

While I disagree that there’s no risk of harm, frankly I don’t care whether there is or not. Sleep training could be the safest thing in the world, but it’s still not how you treat a person. Especially a person you love, who is completely helpless without you, who didn’t ask for you to bring her into this world.

To quote my pediatrician friend, “if it’s not acceptable parenting during the day, it’s not acceptable parenting at night.” Crying is how babies communicate distress. We know that during the day. I don’t know a single person who thinks it’s ok to let a newborn cry for hours on end in the afternoon because the caregiver is tired. But parents proudly recount sleep training tales of babies crying for 3 hours straight like they are swapping war stories. In an article where a mother recounts locking her child in her room overnight (https://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/07/well/family/our-sleep-training-nightmare.html), she seems surprised that the locksmith showed no concern for the fact that he was installing a lock on the outside of a child’s bedroom. I worked with foster kids long enough to agree with the author- that should definitely raise alarm bells. But somehow it’s ok, because she was only going to use it at night.

The way you respond to your baby sets the tone for your relationship with your child. Ignoring their night time cries says to your child that your threshold for meeting their emotional needs is proven medical harm. Rather, be the type of parent who responds to your child’s distress, even when it would be easier not to. We create secure attachment when we show our babies that–even in the absence of quantifiable harm–they are our priority.

The Science of Attachment Parenting

By Judy Arnall

What is the scientific purpose of attachment parenting? In short, attachment parenting provides the child stress relief. Every child experiences stress and it impacts the body by triggering a stress response. Emotions such as fear, loneliness, sadness, frustration and unhappiness are present in children as young as babyhood. Children’s response to those emotions is usually crying in babies and “acting out,” crying or screaming in toddlers. Young children do not have the executive functioning to “self-sooth” or regulate their own stress response because of the immaturity of the brain’s pre-frontal cortex. They need external “scaffolding” help from an adult. When a caring adult responds to the situation promptly and with warmth, the stress is soothed and the calmness of the child resumes. Eventually, children grow to an age, usually in the teen years, where their self-regulation skills are developed enough so they can help themselves to “self-sooth,” and the scaffolding may be removed although comfort and parenting is nice to have all through childhood.

There are three kinds of stress; positive, tolerable and toxic.  Positive stress is good and everyone needs some of this kind. Positive life challenges in the form or people, events or places, create positive stress. When the child faces the stress and overcomes it, often with caregiver support, (and as they get older, with peer support in addition to adult support); the child builds resilience to adversity and it creates a feeling of accomplishment for them. It encourages the child to meet even greater challenges as they grow because it builds their self-esteem and confidence. When a school child makes a class presentation, or a baby is left with a new loving, supportive caregiver, or a toddler faces new playmates at a new daycare, their accomplishment of managing the positive stress builds their resiliency.

Tolerable stress is caused by negative events in a child’s life.  A parent’s divorce, an unwanted move, or the loss of a childhood friend are examples of tolerable stress because they are temporary, and supported by a caring, loving, warm attachment adult who can help steer the child through the stressful time.  The adult responds to the child with active listening, lots of hugs, immediate problem-solving and being available for continual help. Even when the child “acts out” their stress by exhibiting bad behaviour, a caring, warm response from an adult will help the child regulate his emotions, return to a calmer state and eventually resolve the problem.

Toxic stress is also caused by negative events although these events tend to be on-going and the one pervasive factor that moves tolerable stress into toxic stress is the lack of a supportive caregiver or attachment parent. On-going, unaddressed bullying at school, or a baby being left to cry it out most nights, or a toddler that is spanked every day for touching items, are examples of toxic stress. In the first example, the bullying is on-going and pervasive. In the last two examples, the adult caregiver no longer is the supportive, caring person, and instead, becomes the source of the toxic stress as in the spanking and leaving to “cry it out” example. When the child has no other adult support resources, they are left to manage the adverse experience on their own.

Of API’s 8 Principles of Parenting, the principles of responding with sensitivity (and not anger), practicing respectful sleep habits (not leaving children to cry-it-out alone) and using positive discipline (non-punitive guidance) are the most important attachment parenting principles to ensure toxic stress does not occur.

Children do not need toxic stress. Ever. The full onslaught of toxic stress stimulates the production of cortisol and adrenaline, which in turn is good in short doses to motivate the body into flight, freeze or fight mode, but bad for the body when it is produced in large ongoing doses. The constant production of these hormones can damage developing brain architecture in children and may produce lifelong consequences later in life in the form of eventual physical and emotional health problems and propensity to addictions.

No one lives a stress-free life, but adults who practice attachment parenting principles can buffer the negative effects of toxic stress in order to turn the stress into tolerable stress and grow healthy, happy children. Loving, caring support is never spoiling a child. It is crucial for a child’s healthy emotional, physical and social development.

Judy Arnall is the past president of Attachment Parenting Canada Association and bestselling author of Attachment Parenting Tips Raising Toddlers To Teens, www.attachmentparenting.ca

Some winning tips to connect and reconnect with children – at the holidays and all of the time

Making time to share time and interests with your child refills the love-tank and lets you bounce back after struggles.  Small moments in every day, every week, keep us connected. Small moments mean the connections do not have to be complicated to be powerful; they can be something like:

  • Stop and make eye contact over breakfast
  • Find a funny meme to share a smile together
  • Put your coat on backwards for a silly laugh together
  • Put a note of appreciation on the bathroom mirror
  • Notice something your child does well that might not normally get noticed and ask them about it
  • Interrupt dinner prep and give a hug
  • Make up a special word or phrase to share that means “I love you”
  • Take a walk together and share what you notice
  • Sit and make plans together for an adventure
  • Join your child in something he or she enjoys and share the excitement
  • Playing simple games your children make up and direct
  • Find ways to help others together

All of these moments in time are the heartbeats that keep us connected. This heartbeat tells our children that we’re there for them, we’re available, we see them, we love them. What keeps you connected?