Editor’s Pick – Page 5

Editor’s Pick: Renee Jain on “Anxious Children”

“One in eight children suffer from anxiety. Many kids miss school, social activities and a good night’s rest just from the worried thoughts in their head. Many parents suffer from frustration and a feeling of helplessness when they witness their child in this state day in, day out.” ~ Renee Jain, “9 Things Every Parent with an Anxious Child Should Try“

We all want to raise happy, healthy, confident children. But some children seem to have a harder time at managing their anxiety than others.

We see this even with infants. Some babies, from birth, have what we refer to as a high-needs temperament. They demand to be held more and fed more. They seem to need more attention and to be overall more intense.

And in fact, they are more intense and need more attention, from a biological standpoint. I spoke with Dr. Jerome Kagan, PhD, one of the key pioneers in the field of developmental psychology, for Attachment Parenting International‘s “Loving Uniquely” issue of Attached Family magazine. Much of what we know about child temperament can be traced back to Dr. Kagan’s research into the intersection of nature-nurture in child temperament.

RITA: What were the biggest discoveries in your research?

DR. KAGAN: The biggest discoveries were the two temperaments we call “high reactive” and “low reactive.” High-reactive temperaments are difficult as infants, but proper rearing can offset the anxiety that is common when they are children.

The second related discovery was that these two groups have different brain chemistry.

RITA: Is it so much the child’s temperament that is challenging in a family, or is it rather the temperamental differences between a child and the parent?

DR. KAGAN: The difficulty rests with the fact that the parent is either guilty over her child, frustrated over the inability to alter the child’s behavior or becomes angry at the child. Be patient. Don’t blame the child. Try to change the child with consistent practices.

RITA: How can parents use temperament research in relating to and raising children that they may find challenging?

DR. KAGAN: The key is to initially not blame the child and to avoid blaming oneself for the difficulty, and try to socialize the child with gentle but consistent discipline.

So what, exactly, works to ease our children’s anxiety, especially if they’re prone to worry?

Should we push them beyond their comfort zone? Should we avoid anything that scares them? Should we pretend our child’s anxiety isn’t that big of deal? Renee Jain, a blogger at GoStrengths, gives nine really great, Attachment Parenting-minded tips in her Huffington Post article, “9 Things Every Parent with an Anxious Child Should Try.”

After earning a Bachelor of Science in Finance, Renee Jain pursued a Master of Applied Positive Psychology and now coaches parents on how to teach resilience and happiness skills to tweens and teens.

Let’s look at the first of Renee’s 9 suggestions for parents of anxious children in her article:

1. Stop reassuring your child — Your child worries. You know there is nothing to worry about, so you say, “Trust me. There’s nothing to worry about.” Done and done, right? We all wish it were that simple. Why does your reassurance fall on deaf ears? It’s actually not the ears causing the issue. Your anxious child desperately wants to listen to you, but the brain won’t let it happen. During periods of anxiety, there is a rapid dump of chemicals and mental transitions executed in your body for survival. One by-product is that the prefrontal cortex — or more logical part of the brain — gets put on hold while the more automated emotional brain takes over. In other words, it is really hard for your child to think clearly, use logic or even remember how to complete basic tasks. What should you do instead of trying to rationalize the worry away? Try something I call the FEEL method:

Freeze — pause and take some deep breaths with your child. Deep breathing can help reverse the nervous system response.

Empathize — anxiety is scary. Your child wants to know that you get it.

Evaluate — once your child is calm, it’s time to figure out possible solutions.

Let Go — Let go of your guilt; you are an amazing parent giving your child the tools to manage their worry.

Read on for the next eight tips…

Editor’s Pick: Dr. Patricia Nan Anderson on “Helping Kids Lose”

“It’s not competition that’s the problem, it’s comparison. The truth is, only one child can be the best at any one thing. Everyone else is not. That’s an awful lot of losers, if children are raised to believe that winning is the only important thing. If children spend their time comparing themselves to others and slotting themselves into a hierarchy, they are certain to be disappointed, discouraged and sad.” ~ Dr. Patricia Nan Anderson, “How to Help Kids Lose“

As a kid, growing up, I thrived on competition. That is where I derived my self esteem. Though there were many things I did well at, and was the best at, I had a difficult time getting over the fact that I was the very last student picked for the team every day in my school’s physical education class. I didn’t know how to think confidently toward myself as long as I kept losing, and the thought at the time was that it was just the way it was.

I want something different for my children. I can’t change society’s value of competition, and really competition isn’t the problem, as Dr. Anderson states above. What I needed most as a child was to learn how to handle losing in a way that didn’t damage my self esteem. Dr. Anderson’s post, “How to Help Kids Lose,” helps parents, teachers, coaches and others learn how to do just that for our children.

I have long known about Dr. Anderson through her articles and find her to be a reliable expert in child development. Besides contributing to others’ websites, she blogs at Interplay about family, school, community and children. She is a mindful parenting coach and consultant with more than 30 years’ experience in programming and guidance of parents and teachers of young children. With a doctorate in Educational Psychology and a master’s degree in Education, she has been a Professor of Early Childhood Education for more than 15 years at the National-Louis University in Chicago, Illinois, USA, and the Walden University nationwide. She is also the author of Parenting: A Field Guide. and host of the radio program, Parenting: A Field Guide Live! Her free time is spent at home in Seattle, Washington, USA, where she dotes on her grandchildren.

And so, here’s a taste of Dr. Anderson’s post:

How to Help Kids Lose

Everyone likes to win and little kids are no exception. But you cannot win them all and losing often throws young children (and older ones) into a tailspin. How can you help your child learn how to lose? Read on to learn…

Editor’s Pick: Children Growing on “Toddlers and Wonder”

“One of the best gifts you can give your toddler and yourself is to find time to join him where he is in that expectant openness, to slow down, to see what they see and hear what they hear, to let go of deadlines, plans, goals, wishes, to just be together.” ~ Kim Allsup, Children Growing

“One of the best gifts you can give your toddler and yourself is to…just be together.” Wow, doesn’t that just sum up Attachment Parenting, not only for the toddler years but for all ages and stages of our children, from in utero through adulthood?

Kim of Children Growing brought her post, “Toddlers Blooming in the Garden: Finding Wonder (Part 2 of 4),” to my attention earlier this month. While APtly Said posts original material, Attachment Parenting International recognizes select blog posts and articles related to Attachment Parenting (AP) through API Links and occasionally through reprints in the Attached Family magazine. But I just had to share this one on APtly Said, and so we are beginning a new series called “Editor’s Pick,” where we recognize outstanding AP posts from bloggers beyond APtly Said. Anyone can request a review of their blog post.

After reading Kim’s post, I was very interested in learning more about her and inviting her to blog for APtly Said. I hope we get to see more from her soon!

Kim introduces Children Growing as “a teacher’s blog about the art of helping children grow–at home, at school and in the garden.” Kim is a classroom and gardening teacher at The Waldorf School of Cape Cod in Bourne, Massachusetts, USA. She has been growing children for 43 years, including 21 years as a teacher, and gardening for 40 years. She is passionate about helping parents to return to their own memories of their childhood in order to re-experience wonder of the natural world with their own children.

And so, without further ado, here is Kim’s post:

Toddlers Blooming in the Garden: Finding Wonder (Part 2 of 4)

“If a child is to keep alive his inborn sense of wonder, he needs the companionship of at least one adult who can share it, rediscovering with him the joy, excitement, and mystery of the world we live in.” ~ Rachel Carson

Wonder in the first years of life creates the roots of self-motivation. It is the foundation of a personal connection to the world, the nexus of the self. Wonder cannot be scripted. It arrives unbidden. And while we cannot call forth wonder just when we want it, we can be expectant. The best a person can do is to be always listening, always watching, open to the possibility that something amazing might come our way, aware that it is possible, or even likely, that the marvelous will arise out of the commonplace, amid the happenings of everyday life. This openness to wonder is a transcendent state we aspire to as adults, yet it is the natural state of young children.

One of the best gifts you can give your toddler and yourself is to find time to join him where he is in that expectant openness, to slow down, to see what they see and hear what they hear, to let go of deadlines, plans, goals, wishes, to just be together. There is no better place to do this than the garden. You might head to the garden with the intention of meandering with your child at her speed, following her interests. Or, you might be working in the garden with your little one nearby, sensitive to noticing a moment that calls you to put down your rake so you can kneel on the damp earth and let your toddler lead the way to the discovery of a blossom or a butterfly or a strawberry or the green spikes of the emerging corn he planted himself.

A toddler’s mood of wonder can be fragile. Protect it by moving slowly, by dwelling in the fullness of silence, by noticing your child’s focus, using only a few carefully chosen words. Above all, don’t direct, explain or praise. When you find your way to becoming a companion to your toddler in an experience of wonder, you will find that time seems to stop. You may enter this realm for only four or five moments, but if you truly connect, if you drink in your child’s amazement, you will return to a place you once knew, a place where you lived as a child, where you feel beckoned to return. It is ironic that grown ups seek distant gurus to guide them to a consciousness of expectant, awareness when focused attention with a toddler, perhaps in a garden, might satisfy our mysterious yearning, might lead us back to the forgotten mindset our own early years. For, wonder is our first home.

Toddlers and young children usually live in a sense of wonder that is not shared with adults. If you think back to your own early years, perhaps you can remember moments of fascination that you did not share, that you could not share, for you did not have the words. Once you re-enter a toddler’s world of wonder, you will be awed by the value of this consciousness. You will want to provide your child with undisturbed time in nature, in a forest, by the sea, in a garden. For many families, a garden is the most accessible natural area. It can be on a balcony, of a tall apartment building, or a single garden bed in a tiny back yard. For a child, it is a place to witness the magic of growth, to know the beauty of life, to find wonder.