API invites you to understand what Attachment Parenting is really about, and hear Dr. William Sears (featured in Time magazine) in his own words, along with other experts on the topic of Attachment Parenting, in this two-hour API Live Teleseminar, available for listening online or for download.

What is Attachment Parenting?

Maybe you never knew there was a name for it – the unique way you raise your child – but it’s in tune with your child’s needs and with your own needs, and your family lives it out daily. Or, perhaps, you do know there is a name for it, with many synonyms and variations, but you live it out without being defined.

It’s hit the news, blogs, social media, and forums where parenting approaches are more contentious than politics or religion.

Some may know what they know about it from a critique or a comment. But, every day, growing numbers of parents find the name and the communities that come with it – and breathe a sigh of relief to find welcome, encouragement, information, and freedom from judgment.

From professionals to media, it’s not just parents who are discussing Attachment Parenting.

The Latest Fad, or Something More?

The international dialogue about Attachment Parenting is enveloped in confusion and opinion; meanwhile, parents who practice it, knowingly or unknowingly, are simply following their instincts for attunement with their child.

Nearly 17 years ago, Attachment Parenting International was founded by two educators and mothers, Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker in Nashville, Tennessee. Both were teachers who noticed a growing need among their students for, greater family security and caregiver availability.

This was the generation of latch-key children – the first generation of dual-income families where both parents work outside the home. It was a dynamic change to the family structure in the United States, one that was not supportive of parent-child relationships. Attachment Parenting International was founded as a way to bring information and support to parents through a centralized collection of resources.

At the time, “attachment parenting” was a term known only to a small percentage of parents – many mothers learned about attachment-oriented parenting techniques, like breastfeeding, through La Leche League International and books authored by Dr. William and Martha Sears. Other parents sought out the support of Attachment Parenting International when cultural childrearing advice conflicted with their natural parenting instincts. Steadily, Attachment Parenting International grew, now stretching its reach around the globe, and awareness of attachment parenting has blossomed.

Today, “attachment parenting” has become a buzzword. The Attachment Parenting movement is well established in our culture and influences more and more of our parenting – though not often identified as so. More parents recognize the power of touch, positive discipline and other practices associated with “attachment parenting.” While a secure parent-child attachment remains just as beneficial now as ever, the essence of Attachment Parenting has been muddled. It is often confused with such parenting styles as permissive parenting, helicopter parenting, and natural parenting. API approaches parenting in ways that can be adapted by any parent with the mutual goal and desire of helping children reach their fullest, individual potential.

What is Attachment Parenting?

Attachment Parenting is an approach to childrearing that promotes a secure attachment bond between parents and their children. Attachment is a scientific term for the emotional bond in a relationship. The attachment quality that forms between parents and children, learned from the relational patterns with caregivers from birth on, correlates with how a child perceives – and ultimately is able to experience – relationships. Attachment quality is correlated with lifelong effects and often much more profound an impact than people understand. A person with a secure attachment is generally able to respond to stress in healthy ways and establish more meaningful and close relationships more often; a person with an insecure attachment style may be more susceptible to stress and less healthy relationships. A greater number of insecurely attached individuals are at risk for more serious mental health concerns such as depression and anxiety.

How parents develop a secure attachment with their child lies in the parent’s ability to fulfill that child’s need for trust, empathy, and affection by providing consistent, loving, and responsive care. By demonstrating healthy and positive relationship skills, the parent Provides critical emotional scaffolding for the child to learn essential self-regulatory skills.

Attachment Parenting International’s Eight Principles of Parenting are designed to give parents the science-backed “tools” – valuable, practical insights for everyday parenting – that they can use to apply the concept behind Attachment Parenting. These tools guide parents as they incorporate attachment into their individual parenting styles:

1. Prepare for Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Parenting — The overarching message within this principle is the importance of parents to research their decisions regarding pregnancy care, childbirth choices, and parenting styles; childbirth without the use of interventions shows the best start to the parent-infant bond. However, there are ways to modify the initial bonding experience for mothers who do encounter complications.
2. Feed with Love and Respect — Research shows unequivocal evidence for breastfeeding for infants along with gentle weaning into nutritious food choices. Breastfeeding is the healthiest infant-feeding choice. The physiology of breastfeeding promotes a high degree of maternal responsiveness and is associated with several other positive outcomes. In the case breastfeeding is not possible, bottle-nursing — attentive bottle-feeding — should emulate the closeness of breastfeeding.
3. Respond with Sensitivity — This Principle is a central element in all of the Principles; it is viewed by many parents as the cornerstone to Attachment Parenting. It encompasses a timely response by a nurturing caregiver. Baby-training systems, such as the commonly referred-to “cry it out,” are inconsistent with this Principle. The foundation of responding with sensitivity in the early years prepares parents for all their years of parenting, by modeling respect and caring.
4. Provide Nurturing Touch — Parents who “wear” their babies in a sling or wrap are applying this Principle. Infants who are opposed to babywearing enjoy being held in-arms. Touch remains important throughout childhood and can be done through massage, hugs, hand-holding, and cuddling.
5. Ensure Safe Sleep — This principle is the basis for one of the more controversial subjects in parenting. Many attachment parents share a room with their young children; those who exclusively breastfeed and who take necessary safety precautions may prefer to share their bed. However, this principle can be just as easily applied to crib-sleeping situations. The point is not the sleeping surface but that parents remain responsive to their children during sleep.
6. Use Consistent and Loving Care — Secure attachment depends on continuity of care by a single, primary caregiver. Ideally, this is the parent. However, if both parents must work outside the home, this principle can be applied by ensuring that the child is being cared for by one childcare provider who embodies a responsive, empathic caregiver over the long-term; for example, an in-home nanny versus a large daycare center with rotating staff.
7. Practice Positive Discipline — There is a strong push against physical punishment in recent years, but research shows that all forms of punishment, including punitive timeouts, can not only be ineffective in teaching children boundaries in their behavior but also harmful to psychological and emotional development. Parents are encouraged to teach by example and to use non-punitive discipline techniques such as substitution, distraction, problem solving, and playful parenting. Parents do not set rules so that their child obeys for the sake of structure, but rather to be the teacher, the coach, the cheerleader, and the guidepost as the child develops his or her own sense of moral responsibility within the construct of the family value system.
8. Strive for Personal and Family Balance — Attachment Parenting is a family-centered approach in that all members of the family have equal value. The parent is not a tyrant, yet also not a martyr. Parents need balance between their parenting role and their personal life in order to continue having the energy and motivation to maintain a healthy relationship and to model healthy lifestyles for their children.

Attachment Parenting is not exclusive. Every parent – every socioeconomic class, every ethnicity, every culture – can incorporate attachment-minded techniques into their childrearing philosophy. Moreover, while the basis of Attachment Theory is rooted in studies involving infants and toddlers, research in adult relationships is increasingly showing that attachment quality is an important feature of development and the effects persist over the lifetime, beyond these early years. Children of all ages and developmental stages can benefit from parenting that takes attachment into account. For example, school-age children and teenagers benefit from sit-down meals of nutritious foods over which family members discuss the happenings of the day or play a game. Frequent hugs or shoulder massages or even a light touch on the shoulder can provide moments of sensitive responsiveness that only deepen as children mature and parents’ connection with their children remains critical for providing them guidance.

Attachment Parenting May Be Different, but Not Necessarily Difficult

It’s important to remember that the relationships established and maintained through Attachment Parenting are healthy parent-child relationships; any relationship based on secure attachment is healthy, but it can seem to require more energy than a relationship developed out of unhealthy patterns. A common misconception of Attachment Parenting is that it is time-consuming and a child-centered approach that neglects the needs of the parent. In fact, Attachment Parenting may be different, sometimes very different, from other approaches to childrearing but the level of difficulty is a matter of subjectivity. Providing for a child’s emotional, as well as physical, needs requires time and energy as any healthy relationship does. The difference between a parent-child relationship and an adult-adult relationship, such as marriage, is that the child is at a dissimilar developmental stage and is psychologically unable to provide equal relationship give-and-take. For this reason, Attachment Parenting can seem more intense than other parenting approaches.

Most parents who incorporate attachment-orientation into their parenting style comment that Attachment Parenting actually makes their lives smoother: Attachment Parenting requires more time and energy than other parenting approaches during the infant stage, or the initial period of time if this approach is introduced to an older child, but the results are actually an easier relationship long-term because the parent and child are cooperating rather than engaging in power struggles. Even with infants, many families report more sleep and less crying – without sacrificing a parent’s sense of satisfaction – with breastfeeding, babywearing, and cosleeping. When it comes to a parent’s happiness, the role that parenting plays is a matter of subjectivity, as well: Attachment-minded parents are happy to give their children more attention than not, whereas parents of other parenting approaches may argue that a child seeking attention is being manipulative; attachment parents simply do not view children, or their choices, in this way.

There is a wide spectrum of what Attachment Parenting looks like within each family. Attachment Parenting International encourages parents to embrace all of API’s Eight Principles of Parenting, but there is no one way within these Principles to apply the attachment concept. Parents are advised to “take what works and leave the rest,” meaning that not every attachment-minded family must choose all of the parenting practices within a certain Principle. For example, some families may prefer homebirths and midwives; others, birthing centers or hospitals and obstetricians. Most families strive to breastfeed, but there are fortunately alternatives when this option cannot happen. Many families enjoy babywearing, and others would rather forgo the sling. A lot of families fight for the right to cosleep, but for others, other sleeping arrangements work best. Many families prefer to have one parent at home full time, but others rely on attachment parenting practices as beneficial family supports when both parents are employed full time. Some families are more structured than others.

What differentiates Attachment Parenting from other childrearing approaches is the parent’s desire to treat children with equal dignity, love, and respect as he or she would afford an adult. To put this in everyday terms, parents treat their children as they would a new coworker or employee, a new member of their church or community club, or their friends and adult family members – they would come from a place of great compassion, forgiveness, and patience as the child is learning about their place in the world.

There are some parenting choices that Attachment Parenting International does not take a stance on. Vaccinating, cloth diapering, circumcising, educational choices, elimination communication, and others are often quoted by some parents as part and parcel to Attachment Parenting. Attachment Parenting, itself is not a checklist of practices but encompasses parenting that promotes and are most likely to positively influence the parent-child attachment quality.

Ways to Incorporate the Benefits of Attachment Parenting

Attachment Parenting practices can be incorporated by any parent. Here are 10 ideas to incorporate more attachment-minded principles into your home life:

1. Research all of the types of prenatal care providers and birthing options in your area, as well as tests and procedures considered standard or voluntary for prenatal checkups, childbirth, and newborn care. Make your choices based on what’s best for your baby, as well as yourself. Take a pregnancy/childbirth education class.
2. Learn as much as you can about various parenting styles and approaches, and then discuss them with your parenting partner to work out differences. Read books and articles, visit websites, attend teleseminars and support groups, and talk to other parents to learn more about adding attachment-minded principles into your parenting techniques.
3. Plan on breastfeeding, and get support early on to head off any problems that arise. If you will need to return back to work, try to pump your breastmilk to be bottled in your absence so you can reconnect with your baby or toddler after the workday. If breastfeeding is not an option, bottle-nurse – meaning that you hold your baby and give him or her eye contact and interaction while bottlefeeding, as a way to simulate breastfeeding behaviors.
4. Feed your infant, whether breast- or bottle-feeding, on demand. This means that the baby eats when he or she wants to eat, rather than on a parent-mandated schedule. On-demand breastfeeding actually stimulates a stronger supply.
5. Have a sit-down family meal as often as possible. It may be the only time that you’re able to reconnect with a busy teen.
6. Cosleep – if not in the same bed (which is advised only for exclusively breastfeeding mothers taking appropriate safety precautions), then in the same room. If this arrangement doesn’t work for your family, create an atmosphere where the child feels welcome to seek comfort at night.
7. If you use spanking, punitive timeouts, logical consequences, or other forms of punishments, try to move toward non-punitive discipline. Because discipline is often emotionally charged, it may help to take a parental “timeout” when you feel stressed, such as closing your eyes and taking deep breaths or counting, or even going to another room until you’re calmed down (only briefly if your child is an infant or toddler), to discuss the situation. Learn effective conflict resolution skills, such as Nonviolent Communication and playful parenting. Learn child development and try not to expect more from a child than he or she is developmentally able to give.
8. Learn to see infant crying as his or her communicating of needs, and then learn how to decipher those needs. Learn to see a child’s tantrums as an expression of a need for understanding, rather than manipulation, and then learn how to teach your child how to handle his or her strong emotions through example. Know your child and learn to anticipate and help them express their needs.
9. Honor your child’s separation anxiety. You are likely feeling pressure to separate from your child, as a test of independence and healthy development. However, outside of unusual circumstances, you will find that if you wait to leave your child in the care of another person until your child is developmentally ready, you won’t second-guess this decision.
10. If you’re working, consider ways to work from home or to work part time. If this isn’t an option, seek out a childcare provider that will provide consistent, loving, and attachment-minded care in your stead.

For More Information

Attachment Parenting International’s Eight Principles of Parenting
Attached at the Heart by Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker
API Live! Teleseminars

“…neuroscience and developmental neurobiology and psychology support a style of parenting that fosters healthy dependence. It’s simply biologically true.”

We know of Mayim as Blossom, the Mayim who earned a PhD in neuroscience, Mayim as Amy Farrah Fowler in the hit TV series, Big Bang Theory. She adds “author” to her impressive list of titles with her new book, Beyond the Sling, scheduled to release tomorrow. I recently had the pleasure of talking to Mayim Bialik about her new book and her preferred role, Mayim the attachment mother.

First, I’d like to hear how your book came about.

I’ve been the spokesperson for Holistic Mom’s Network for a while now, and I started writing for this website called Kveller.com, and I guess sort of became this unofficial spokesperson for a style of parenting that I don’t see as particularly bizarre or strange at all. But obviously it’s really out of the norm of the way a lot of people parent. And so honestly, I was kind of just asked to write the book.

I was being interviewed by an actress named Theresa Strasser. She’s a comedian and she had just written a book about pregnancy, and she said to me, I would never want to parent the way you do and I think it sounds ridiculous in theory, but, she said, the way you talk about it makes it sound so not judgmental and it actually sounds like it makes sense even if I wouldn’t choose it. My book agent wants to talk to you. And I’m thinking, book agent? I spoke to him, and four months later we had a book proposal. Kind of an unlikely way to write a book, but I basically wrote the lifestyle that me and all my friends and everybody at Attachment Parenting International and La Leche League sort of know about but I guess once you put a celebrity name on it people will pay attention. I don’t know, I guess that’s the sad state of our culture.

It seems like it covers a lot of myth vs. fact, a lot of, the why behind outward appearances. What do you think people most misunderstand about attachment parenting?

I think people misunderstand a lot of things about the kind of children that people think you raise if you practice AP. People think that my goal, or anyone’s goal who parents this way is to raise spoiled, manipulative, whiny children who are clingy and never gain proper independence. But I think also one of the main things of the book is trying to take on is, not that you need a PhD in neuroscience to write a book about parenting or to be a parent, but that neuroscience and developmental neurobiology and psychology support a style of parenting that fosters healthy dependence. It’s simply biologically true. And that attachment parents don’t choose this because we’re lazy, or because we don’t know how to get our kids out of our bed, or because we don’t know how to say no to them when they keep asking to breastfeed. So I think the notion is that this is a conscious choice and parenting philosophy that is believed in. It’s not passive parenting, it’s not lazy parenting, and it’s not careless. It’s very conscious and concerted.

And there are a lot of different ways to do it! There are families with a lot of structure and discipline that also are attachment parenting families and there are families that are a lot more permissive. It’s a broad term that really describes a lot of people.

What is your biggest parenting challenge going on right now?

[Laughs] Um, how to pick? We don’t have easy kids. A lot of people think I have easy kids simply because they seem easy, but they’re high-needs kids. As anyone with a high-needs baby or child knows, it takes a lot of work to keep that going, and sometimes I feel like I don’t have much more attention to give. But I’m getting clear signals that they need more attention and it’s a huge challenge and especially, my husband’s home with them when I’m working, so I’m here even less than I need to be. But there’s still so much that needs to get done. I joke with friends of mine, we say, how can they need more attention? I’m giving them all I have!

Having so much on your plate, author, blogger, neuroscientist, homeschooler,  and obviously Big Bang Theory, and with attachment parenting being the most hands-on parenting philosophy, at least the most hands-on I know of, how do you strive for balance? That’s one of the attachment parenting principles, so what do you do for Mayim?

I try and find small, not time- or money-consuming ways to kind of replenish. I think we’re in an unusual situation where I was the primary caregiver, you know, hands-on, 24/7 for years, and it’s only recently that I’m working and my husband is the one home. So I think it’s important also, for the primary caregiver which is my husband at this point to also find ways to replenish. So, I think he feels that sometimes I get to leave the house, and that’s my replenishment.

But I think that in weeks that I’m off, and all of those times that I am just me with them – I don’t do a lot of social things, I don’t go out a lot with girlfriends, I read, I study a couple times a week with a Jewish study partner, which is an intellectual exercise and also a social one. And I do small things. Like simplifying life so I can catch up on things that make me feel organized and like the house is in order. So for me, sometimes it’s relaxing to know that, like last week me and the boys, we re-did all of their little shelves where they keep their clothes. And things like that give me a sense of peace and balance because it’s one less thing that I have hanging over me.

You mentioned your husband is staying home with the kids full-time. The traditional role has the man as provider and the woman as caregiver. How does he handle that, and how does the family handle that?

It’s unusual for sure. It’s still an adjustment for him. It’s an adjustment for the whole family, but now that Fred is now out of the stage where he’s breastfeeding as much as he had been, it’s much easier. My husband has always been super supportive of breastfeeding and extended breastfeeding. And Fred does still nurse, but he’s not at the point where I’m pumping anymore, which I think is in some ways easier for my husband. He has more autonomy, now that he’s settling in and now that they’re both older and they can do more active field trips together and that the day is not dictated by naps, you know, for the little one.

I read that you’re the only parent on the cast of Big Bang Theory. What’s that like?

Many of our writers have kids, and I’ve actually done a little lactation consulting, on the side I guess, for one of our writers in particular. As it is, when you’re the only in a group of friends to be the first to have kids, it’s a little bit like being an alien species. And I think also, until you have kids, you can’t imagine how much of a part of your brain and your heart are always devoted to them, no matter what you’re doing. I can argue a lot of things about a lot of different styles of parenting, but I will say that when you choose this path, it really is a constant part of you in ways that sometimes I meet other parents who don’t feel that way. I meet a lot of people who say, I’m happy for someone else to handle them. I’m not really thinking about it, it takes a village, and I don’t want to be involved. For me, that’s not our choice. I always miss my kids in a very specific way.

What do you do when you mess up – when you’re short with your child, when you find yourself yelling and kind of losing it? What do you do to repair that relationship?

I guess I’ve been told it’s called a “mommy time out.” I need to know, literally, when to shut my mouth and walk away, meaning to stop the, you know, bad mommy behavior. And I think promptly admitting you’re wrong to your child is extremely powerful. I think I make a very very conscious effort to not make excuses when I apologize. Meaning, I don’t say, I yelled at you because, or I’m angry at you and I used harsh words because you blah blah blah. There are times to explain to a child why or how there may have been a trigger situation but when you’ve hurt a child I believe very strongly all that needs to be communicated is that your intention in life is not to hurt them, and that you feel bad and will do things to not repeat that with them.

And you cannot apologize to a child as if it’s a spouse. They’re not on the same intellectual or emotional level. That’s something I try really hard – I try to do that with adults too! To say, I’ve hurt your feelings and I’m sorry, is different than, I’ve hurt your feelings and I’m sorry but, you’ve really let me down, you know?

And I think also, something I try and do is I try and, especially with our oldest son who’s six, I’m not afraid – well, I’m afraid and I’m not afraid to try and be real with him and tell him, Mama messed up. Mama doesn’t know how to be the mama of a six-year-old except through this experience and we’re trying, and I’m learning. That’s one of my favorite things I say to them. I’m learning too. And I’m not perfect.

And I’ll make a joke out of it too, I’ll say, I know you think I’m perfect because I make the best pancakes, but I’m not. So a little humor also can take the edge off, so that you can have access to them because they put up a wall when they’re hurt. It’s what people do. It’s protective.

What do you say when people negate your parenting style?

I think with my first I was very sensitive and I was defensive and I questioned a lot, and I doubted myself, but for me a big part has been to find a community of like-minded parents and that’s sort of what API and places like API are doing. Once you have that support and you can have your behavior normalized, it really can give you a lot of strength.

And now I’ve learned which battles to fight and which not to fight. And even with family members, even well-meaning friends, I’ve learned a couple key phrases, like, “it’s working for us,” or, “thanks for your thoughts,” or “I guess we all get to do it our own way,” or, “I’ll keep that in mind, thank you.” But I really don’t get into the complicated discussions with people, especially when I can tell that they only want you to have their opinion. Because some people want to have a healthy debate, or they’re interested in decisions and why you make them, but a lot of people really just want to be right, and I don’t always have to have that conversation.

You mentioned the organizations that support you, such as API. What individuals make up your support system? Who are your rocks?

I have a group of girlfriends, who we kind of formed a renegade mom’s group and I single them out in the book. One of them is actually my friend who took the photographs for the book. She took the cover photo and, she’s one of those people. I have one La Leche League leader and mentor in particular who I kind of go to for all things even beyond breastfeeding, and she’s sort of my attachment parenting, well, everything. That’s pretty much it. I mean, we have a small circle. I do participate in La Leche League still and Holistic Moms’ Network events and things like that, but for me to have three people, three women in my case that I know I can turn to, even if they don’t agree or do it the same, I think that’s been the most helpful.

I personally struggle with this: how do you just do your thing without making other moms feel like you’re judging what they’re doing?

I know that other people’s opinions are none of my business now. And if people have guilt, it’s not for me to either create or take away. I simply keep it within my circle of my family, and know that what’s working for us works.

I had dinner the other night next to a very prominent celebrity mom and she was there with her nanny, and her two kids and I was there alone with my two kids, and it was very friendly and very nice, but I was kind of wondering, does she look at me and think, how’s she doing it? Why am I not doing that? Why can she do it? Do I even what to do what she’s doing? And I looked at her and I was kind of wondering, wow, that would be really nice to have an extra set of hands right now!

But again, I learned early on that you never know what goes on in people’s families or what they need, or why they’re doing what they’re doing or not doing what they’re doing, so I really try to mind my own business. I mean, honestly I try to mind my own business and I also make sure to use general concepts and phrases that I do believe are true. That we all want to do the best for our kids. It may mean different things to different people, but we all want to do the best. And once you kind of level the playing field, then you can open up a conversation and then you can get away from all that stupid mommy wars stuff.

Do you remember a turning point when you decided that attachment parenting was the way you wanted to do things?

Before we had our first son, both my husband and I were both planning on research professorships. I don’t know, I struggled a lot with breastfeeding. I had a difficult, slow learning curve, as it were. And I think making the commitment to stay home for 40 days, which is something we did after both of our sons were born, I think that tuned me into a new rhythm that I decided not to fight. Because I know a lot of people fight it, and I know people who go back to work after 2 and 3 weeks, you know? But I think for me it really helped tune me into that rhythm, and help us make that decision.

Does your husband read the AP books? Does he do the research?

My husband is rarely yes dear about anything, but if he sees something for himself, that’s the proof he needs. He’s a very principled, rational, confident person, and he, honestly, he doesn’t like to read things like that. I mean, he does a tremendous amount of reading, but no, he has really become a phenomenal example of someone who is not super interested in emotional attachment or psychological development, hadn’t really given it much thought, and literally lived for himself the evolution of this beautiful, beautiful relationship that he has created with our kids and that we have in our family. Although he sees, for sure not one of the principles of attachment parenting was something he thought was totally nuts, and once he saw how it worked, totally jumped on board on his own. But he’s not the kind of person who reads up on things or says yes dear, so it’s been actually really interesting to see. It’s even worked and made sense for him.

Who are your influences as far as parenting goes?

I admire Dr. [William] Sears and Martha Sears a lot, also for their functioning in a conventional world as proponents of attachment parenting. Our pediatrician, Dr. [Jay] Gordon is a huge influence for us, and then personally I mentioned my La Leche League leader, Shawn Crane who is also sort of my everything mentor and parenting expert extraordinaire. But I feel like the real people that kind of make it happen are my girlfriends, Nancy and Denise.

What was it like to work with the Sears’ and Dr. Gordon?

What’s impressed me kind of in this whole book journey has not only been the support on the professional side, from API and the Sears’ and from Dr. Gordon, also a really really positive, healthy general notion that we’re all working toward something good and trying to empower parents to make decisions that are good for them and for their kids. And I think that’s actually been honestly surprising. I’ve been shocked at the lack of ego that I’ve run into and I’d like to think that it’s indicative of the attachment parenting philosophy at work in adults.

Mayim’s new book, Beyond the Sling: A Real-life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way, will be available in stores March 6th, 2012.

Photo: flickr/pennstatelive

API’s response to the Milwaukee Anti-Bedsharing Campaign and the report aired today on NBC’s The Today Show and on ABC news:

Our hearts are broken at the loss of precious lives in Wisconsin. API is moved by and shares this passion to definitively halt similar ongoing sleep-related tragedies. We also agree and support information that would discourage bedsharing for those who are not healthy/safe candidates. Still, to say that no parent should ever have the baby in bed is as detrimental as saying that all babies should be in bed with their parents. While the Milwaukee anti-bedsharing campaign has generated a lot of controversy and interest, we persist in calling for facts that accurately describe the reality and continue to insist that when safe alternatives are dismissed, greater tragedy may result.

API is concerned that parents will be afraid to talk about bedsharing; professionals are and will be afraid to talk about it. Nonetheless, a mother’s basic need for feeding and responding to her infant’s needs will continue to be met. Parents and professionals must be fully informed with accessible information and free to ask questions and dialogue about safe strategies. We seek to avoid situations where efforts to comply with rules result in more unsafe situations.

Parents’ reasons for bedsharing are varied; in a popular poll more than 45% of American parents report that they have had their infant sleep with them at some point. A provocative ad and the gift of a playpen are solutions that are highly unlikely to affect parental decisions that deny strong biological, intellectual, and empathic responses to their infants. Those of us who raise our children in the culture of breastfeeding and safe bedsharing we cannot imagine this basic human instinct as taboo. It is a basic, human biological right for a baby and a healthy mother to be in close proximity.

As the campaign has already become news, we hope the momentum of this controversy will have the positive benefit of a meaningful discussion and response to much needed information, support, and resources.

What is urgently needed:

• Education about safe sleep environments;
• Better and clear data, analysis, and transparency in information;
• Communication and conversation for viable solutions based on good data as well as parent and infant behavior; and
• Broad participation, not action based on decisions of a few.

Safe Sleep Environment

Without a doubt, an unsafe sleep environment is not appropriate for an infant. API educational material guidelines clearly state that mothers who are bedsharing are advised to breastfeed, not smoke or take other drugs or alcohol (or sleep with a partner who does these things), or be obese. Creating a safe sleep environment includes firm mattresses, the space free of any potential entrapment. A firm futon or mattress on the floor, or a side-car sleeper are safe sleeping arrangements that breastfeeding mothers have used for centuries.

The current argument against educating about creating a safe sleep environment is that parents cannot learn; a paternalistic approach that ignores a variety of motivations for engaging in bedsharing. We believe in and support parents. We encourage a response to safe sleep that educates and empowers parents.

Looking at Data

In the 2010 City of Milwaukee Fetal Infant Mortality Review (FIMR) Report, bedsharing is identified as a risk factor in the same category as true causes of death by overlay and suffocation. If these bedsharing situations followed safe guidelines, should not the infant deaths be logically attributed to SIDS, just as they would if the infant were in a crib?

Page 17 shows that of 90 SIDS, overlay, asphyxiation deaths, 85 involved multiple risk factors. Bedsharing, indicated as a risk factor and being prevalent in 70% of the 90 deaths, was not the only identifiable risk factor. Five deaths for which there was only one risk factor are indicative of relatively “clear,” isolated causes of death. Even ifwe assume that bedsharing were the only risk factor in these five deaths, as this report does not identify accompanying risk factors such as obesity, other people in the bed, siblings in the bed, or bed structure, no one can be sure that these five deaths would have occurred in “safe” bedsharing conditions based on the API Safe Infant Sleep guidelines.

Assume we accepted that bedsharing was the single risk factor in the five deaths attributable to a single risk factor. Deaths attributed solely to bedsharing may then be reported at 0.05% – the lowest of all sleep-related risks. Technically, these deaths might be attributed to SIDS-bedsharing barring any additional and previously unidentified risk factors.

API agrees with an objective to strive for no infant or child deaths, certainly preventable ones. Zero tolerance is noble and we should aim for it, but when we break it all down, it must be analyzed on par with other sleep conditions and environments, knowing there is an uncontrolled element to SIDS that eludes all. When we look clear-eyed at the data, bedsharing may not be the boogeyman after all. In missing critical data and clear analysis, we are less able to achieve our common goals of keeping children alive, safe and thriving within their families.

More risk factors must be identified. Cause of death and risk factors need to be isolated for full information. Bedsharing does not equate to overlaying and it does not equate to SIDS.

Communicating with Parents

The frightening image used in the Milwaukee campaign against bedsharing perfectly illustrates a fear-based campaign, a campaign that does not help parents know what to do, just what not to do. (In this case what not to do may be interpreted widely). It is a simple and shocking picture and suitably controversial to grab attention. Dr. Kathleen Kendall-Tackett, who has conducted research on the harm of these kinds of anti-bedsharing campaigns, reports that they potentially create dangerous situations with a message that terrifies rather than educates parents. She found even though mothers hear the message to not bedshare, they misinterpret what they hear:

The findings indicate that almost 60% of mothers bedshare and that this occurs throughout the first year. These findings also indicate that 25% of mothers are falling asleep with their infants in dangerous sleep locations, such as chairs, sofas or recliners. Journal of Clinical Lactation Vol. 1, Fall 2010

Most of the mothers in Dr. Kendall-Tackett’s survey were breastfeeding mothers, and they found that at some point in the night, the mothers feel asleep with their babies. Along with current safe sleep strategies she strongly recommends:

Safe–sleep campaigns should include information on safe bedsharing. In absence of this information, parents are likely to continue bedsharing, but may do so in unsafe ways….

Consequences and Alternatives

The Milwaukee campaign uses a simplistic approach that ignores human nature and variation and sets parents up for overwhelming challenges in safely meeting their baby’s needs in the middle of the night. Parents feel forced to go against their instincts, turning to practices also known to harm infants. Confining their infant to the crib, letting their baby “cry it out,” and engaging in sleep training methods create stress in the baby. Even worse, parents become confused, irritated and so exhausted ultimately desensitizing the parent to the child’s need for loving responsiveness. The baby is deprived of emotional and physical support and at risk for harm. The history of parenting has shown that sometimes we move to a so-called strategy, only to find that we have created the potential for something worse, perhaps in this case, the potential for more SIDS deaths. We need to move forward with certain knowledge, being very careful before issuing blanket edicts with unknown outcomes that go against a natural, instinctual, and beneficial human behavior practiced for thousands of years.

API understands the great disparity in bedsharing among Milwaukee communities and yes, there are cases were families should not be bedsharing. In every case, however, parents can be educated and empowered in their love for their children, to make their own decisions. Milwaukee and other health departments can better spend their dollars to reduce infant deaths on good prenatal care, breastfeeding promotion, nutrition counseling and good parenting education instead of frightening messages that only confuse parents. Eliminating smoking, breastfeeding, roomsharing are all known practices that significantly decrease the chances of SIDS.

Sensible Response

The encouraging news is that so many of the comments coming from parents in blogs, Facebook, and on the ABC website show that they are seeing through this message and questioning its validity. We hope those involved with the campaign messaging will take this feedback to heart.

We encourage all parents to write to their local TV stations, newspapers, facebook pages, and other media to question these campaigns and advocate for safe, complete messages based on sound research. Come to this task full of compassion for the campaign directors, as they too have the infant’s best interests at heart. As compassionate parents ourselves, we have the tools to engage effectively. We continue patiently and persistently on our course of best action as we do in our daily parenting.

For its part, API is actively advocating for complete data collection on infant mortality rates, having a standard for death certificate questionnaires that ask the right questions, and delineate types of deaths, be they SIDS, suffocations, overlay, complications of prematurity, etc. The results should clearly indicate how this information compares to infant deaths that continue to take place in cribs.

Your continued support is vital to this effort. The factors involved in this bedsharing debate are greater than a well-intentioned public health effort. Strong financial interests, conflicts of interest, and lack of data transparency and clarity must not be a part of the processes that effect public health decisions, especially to the prospect of greater harm.

Only a grassroots, empowered public will make a difference in saving lives, empowering parents to take back their rights to raise their children in a loving, connected and healthy environment.

You are invited to review and use these valuable resources:

Jim McKenna, PhD: cosleeping.nd.edu
Dr. Bill Sears: askdrsears.com/news/latest-news/dr-sears-addresses-recent-co-sleeping-concerns
API 2010 Appeal for Support: attachmentparenting.org/news/2010appealforsupport.php
API Safe Sleep Resources, Free Downloadable Brochures, Position Paper, Letters, and Principle: attachmentparenting.org/infantsleepsafety/

API resources are available for your use and we invite you to share your concerns with:

Bevan Baker, Commissioner of Health
Milwaukee Health Department
Frank P. Zeidler Municipal Building
841 North Broadway, 3rd Floor
Milwaukee, WI 53202-3653
No email available

Milwaukee Journal Sentinel Letters to the Editor
200 word limit
Write: Letters to the editor, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel,
P.O. Box 371, Milwaukee, WI 53201-0371
Fax: (414)-223-5444
E-mail: jsedit@journalsentinel.com

JS Online response: http://www.jsonline.com/news/milwaukee/milwaukee-cosleeping-ad-stirs-nationwide-debate-4m33572-133987863.html

ABC: http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/lifestyle/2011/11/milwaukee-hopes-babies-and-butcher-knives-wake-parents-up-to-dangers-of-co-sleeping/

Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/16/co-sleeping-ad-baby-knife-dangers_n_1097170.html

Other major outlets

Your local newspaper

Petition: http://www.change.org/petitions/milwaukee-remove-the-fear-mongering-co-sleeping-ads

Consider donating to API’s efforts in support of parents at: Give today to help keep babies safe! or mail to: API, P.O. Box 4615, Alpharetta, GA 30023. Questions? 800-850-8320

Thank you.

Attachment Parenting International

Reflections on Motherhood

Poet and children’s author Barbara Benjamin is the mother of a 26-year-old daughter. She received a Bachelor of Science in Marketing from Auburn University in 1979. While her daughter was young, she happily chose to be a stay-at-home mother. When the school days arrived, she became a substitute teacher in the local school system where her daughter attended. Read more about her story, as well as poems illustrating her views, at http://theattachedfamily.com/membersonly/?p=2888 .

Creating a Village

The life of a parent can feel very isolated. Warm relationships with caring adults can sustain us when we’re struggling and help our children feel at ease when they’re away from home. So, how do we build the village we need to raise our children? API Leader Jenni Pertuset answers at http://theattachedfamily.com/membersonly/?p=2893 .

I’m writing to you today to share with you the news about some big changes on the horizon at API Speaks.  I am returning to school in January to complete my Master’s degree and will be stepping down as the Managing Editor of API’s blog.  The blog will still be live and the contributing editors will continue to approve posts and comments until a new Managing Editor can be found.  I’d like to thank you all for sharing your stories on the blog through your comments and I look forward to reading more in the coming weeks and months.

If you are interested in stepping in to the editorial role here at API Speaks, check out the API Speaks Managing Editor job description for more details.

Again, thank you for helping make API Speaks the blog that it is today.

Warmly,

Melissa

API is immensely grateful to Melissa for all she has done, not only as the editor of our blog, but also as an API Leader, supporter, coordinating team member, and technology coordinator for many years now. Melissa played major roles in API’s website and forum transitions, its Google Apps adoption, writing API policies, troubleshooting for API staff and families, and ongoing maintenance and updates. We appreciate her gifts and talents, and valuable AP parent wisdom, always shared with humility and grace. Please follow her work at the Mother Nature Network, and know she continues as an API Resource Leader in Arizona. Thank you for everything, Melissa. With much love and admiration,
Samantha, the API Staff, and API Board.

You’re invited to submit a post for the 2011 AP Month Carnival of Blogs. We’d like to hear from parents with all types of family configurations and different aged children about the many different ways you play with your children!

October is our 4th annual AP Month celebration and we’re looking for blog posts to help us celebrate our theme of “Families at Play: Nurturing Parent-Child Relationships through Play.”

To participate in the carnival:

1. Submit a post about play in your family.   Ideas might include (but are not limited to):

• your experiences (re) learning how to play!
• ways you’ve avoided boredom or discomfort around play
• ways that play has influenced the family dynamic
• things you remember about play from your own childhood (and how that might affect how you play with your child!)

2. Publish the post on the topic of play to your blog with the following text (including hyperlink):

This post is part of the Attachment Parenting Month blog carnival, hosted by Attachment Parenting International.

3. Once your post is completed, submit a link to your submission via the API Speaks Contact Form with a short message that the post is part of the AP Month 2011 blog carnival.

Submissions will be accepted until October 5!

Please note that in order to participate in the AP Month 2011 blog carnival; the post must be published and publicly viewable. If you do not have a blog, but would like to submit a guest post for AP Month, please use the API Speaks Contact Form to make arrangements.

For more information on AP Month 2011, visit the Attachment Parenting Month website.

Join the API Live July 25 Teleseminar Featuring “Playful Parenting: More Than Fun” with special guest Dr. Larry Cohen. Register now to attend live or receive the mp3 recording. Submit your questions in advance to apilive@attachmentparenting.org. Sponsored in part by the Million Minute Family Challenge.

Register now for this API Live! teleseminar event and hear hosts Lu Hanessian, author of the new playful book for parents and children: Picnic on a Cloud, and API co-founder Lysa Parker talk with Dr. Larry Cohen about:

• What is Playful Parenting and what does it have to do with attachment security?
• Will my children know how to take life, or take me, seriously if we’re playful?
• What does playful parenting have to do with confidence building and helping children resolve problems?
• What is the impact of parent playfulness on my child’s development and emotion?
• Can being playful make me a better parent?
• Can it make parenting more satisfying, more fun for me?
• I’m not so playful naturally. What do I do?
• When roughhousing, how do we help it end on a happy note?
• And Larry Cohen’s favorite playful parenting ideas you don’t want to miss!

Join us for the next API Live! Teleseminar scheduled for November 15, 2010 at 9pm EST/6pm PST: How Much is Enough? Attachment Parenting, Permissive Parenting and Overindulgence with special guest Jean Illsley Clarke.

Register now for this upcoming live teleseminar to hear hosts Lu Hanessian and API co-founder Barbara Nicholson talk with Jean Illsley Clarke as they talk about current information regarding parenting and tough traits like greed, helplessness, and self-centeredness, and discuss:

• Can I give my children too much?
• How do I recognize overindulgence?
• Toys, events, and activities: meeting the child’s needs or the parent’s needs?
• What effect does overindulgence have on effort, learning, and potential and my child’s life aspirations?
• Overindulgence and common parenting challenges like television/screen time and chores

This call will take place on Monday, November 15th at 9PM EST/ 6PM EST.

Please submit your questions to API Live (apilive AT attachmentparenting DOT org) and we will make every effort to address them during the call.

Click for more information about Jean Illsley Clarke and to register for the event.

Join us for the next API Live! Teleseminar scheduled for October 25, 2010 at 9pm ET/6pm PT: Full of Love: Giving our children a foundation for lifelong health through attachment parenting with Dr. Bill Sears and Dominique Hodgin M.Ed.c., NE.

Register for this call to hear hosts Lu Hanessian and API co-founder Lysa Parker speak with Dr. Bill Sears and Dominique Hodgin M.Ed.c., NE about keeping our children full of love. Send your questions to apilive AT attachmentparenting DOT org about giving our children a foundation for lifelong health through attachment parenting.

Topics for the call include:

• A Healthier Family – Keeping your children and family healthy can seem challenging, whether it is confusing nutrition information or time and budget constraints.
• Expecting and Nursing Moms – Beginning at conception, how an expecting mom eats and how she treats her body will have a profound impact on the development of her baby, both in the womb and after birth.
• Health Concerns – From ADHD to childhood obesity, many  parents are watching the effects poor nutrition and a lack of exercise is having on their children.
• Behavior – You may wonder why your child suddenly loses control, won’t listen or becomes disruptive in the classroom. It may surprise you to know that certain processed food and additives may be impacting your child behavior and even your own.
• Learning – As a parent you want your kid to do their best in school. But, with so many areas of a child’s health impacted by the food they eat they may not be as successful as they can be.
• Performance – You do what you can to help your children perform their best on the sports field or on stage. It can be surprising to find out that your best efforts to help them improve or practice regularly may be undermined with the foods and snacks your kids are eating at mealtime or for energy at halftime.

REGISTER NOW for the API Live! Full of Love teleseminar with Dr. Bill Sears.

Show us some love: ONLY 2 Days Left to Bid!!!

The Attachment Parenting International Auction closes on SUNDAY, October 17, 2010 at 11:59 PM EDT.

If you’ve got your heart set on a special item… you still have time to bid!

Check Out These Great Buys…
You can still bid on any of the special items in our auction right up to the final seconds of this exciting event. Every tick of the clock brings us closer to the finish line. This may be your last chance for that special item or to grab a great bargain. So don’t miss out… BID NOW!

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Remind your friends the end is almost here! Just Refer your Friends so they have the chance to offer their support and get some great last-minute deals.

Don’t Forget: Every bid supports the work we do at Attachment Parenting International!