We share the same name

“Mom,” my daughter texts to get my attention. Before I get a chance to respond comes an emphatic “Mahm” in text but I hear it in her voice, “Mom” with elongated vowels.

A call of “Mom” coming from the playground parking lot makes me turn and look, but I know my son is on the playground. I look to see who will answer to this call for “Mom.”

I think to myself how we all answer to the same name.

The title that becomes our name connects us in understanding. It connects us in our love of our children and other children. It connects us to each other.

We work to raise compassionate, strong children with healthy secure attachment, changing the world and the lives of children calling “Mom.”

In community, we lift each other up as we answer to the same name (learn more about that name in this fascinating article!).

We wish you a truly Happy Mother’s Day from API!

How will you celebrate life this year?

I won a 5-day stay at a Hawaiian resort at an API online auction and celebrated an unforgettable 70th birthday with my two daughters.\

None of us had ever been to Hawaii before, so we excitedly planned our 5-day itinerary. We gave ourselves plenty of time between activities to really soak in the beauty, knowing we’d want to relax in the incredible variety of landscapes that ranged from crystal clear beaches to grand canyons.

During our visit, we enjoyed a traditional luau at our resort and attended several other hula performances. We learned that no chicken or rooster looks alike!

We experienced the most beautiful sunset of my life.

I was personally gratified to complete a challenging hike to the Queen’s Bath, a natural tide pool. I was nervous to see a baby shark in the holding pool, but my former marine biologist daughter reassured everyone (except me!).

The most amazing experience was the door-free helicopter tour of the mountains and canyons. It was a terrifying and exhilarating experience!

This trip showed me that 70 is just a number, and sharing that milestone with my daughters seemed to complete the circle of life.

My birthday trip was filled with joyful memories the three of us will treasure forever.

This year, my goal is even more ambitious: to include the sons and daughters in law in the next trip!

(May the best bid win!)

Proceeds for this auction will be used to support parents, children and families with free support groups, research-based materials, leader training, resources and technologies through Attachment Parenting International.

 

 

We took our two young children – it was amazing

I was bidding in a past API online auction, just doing my part to help API support more families. Ok, ok, truth be told, supporting my favorite cause (API) was the perfect reason for me to bid (shop!) for things I might not ordinarily even think about.
I got some great items and gifts, but maybe you can imagine my surprise when I actually won an exotic trip.
I hadn’t expected to win, so I immediately went into parent-mode, wondering all manner of things like: was it even possible to attempt? How would the kids deal with such a long and exotic trip? How would the sleeping arrangements work? What was the food like? Were there enough family activities to keep everyone happy? In other words, how much work would this be for me? Would I get to relax or would I be in constant “management mode?”
My husband and I aren’t the types to lounge all day at the spa while the kids hang out in the kid’s “club,” but the kids weren’t old enough to do significant, all-day adventures either. How would this trip work out?
As it turned out, the planning, the travel itself and the destination were the stuff of legend and lore. We’ll never stop talking about the adventures.
Our top five “GOATs” (greatest of all time):
  1. Roosters really are effective alarm clocks!
  2. Nature’s beauty absolutely melts minor discomforts and complaints
  3. GPS isn’t always helpful or necessary
  4. It’s always good to get really clear about the complete and specific conditions of each family member’s ability to enjoy boating BEFORE setting out on a boat!
  5. Getting out of our usual places and routines allows new adventures and stronger bonds to form
Tomorrow, API is auctioning seven more amazing trips like the one my family took.
The destinations seem even more incredible and the details provided allow families to pick and choose what works best. Parents will really get to relax.
Be sure to look these trips over and plan to take advantage of this fleeting family time. Say YES! to these trips as experiences that become special memories.
Bid on ebay starting tomorrow, March 21 – 31. Ask friends and family to join in and make it a celebration.
Get ready to relax, enjoy your family and help support other families at the same time. Don’t let the sun go down on these great trips.
Proceeds for this auction will be used to support parents, children and families with free support groups, research-based materials, leader training, resources and technologies through Attachment Parenting International. Open to API registered state residents in Tennessee, Georgia, South Carolina, Iowa, Indiana, New York, California, Florida, Louisiana, Missouri, and Texas. 

Is Sleep Training Medically Harmful? That’s Not the Point

By Alexis Schrader

Again and again the articles pop up in parenting magazines and blogs- sleep training your baby is fine, they say, because there is no proven medical harm. While you can point to studies’ failed methodology (http://evolutionaryparenting.com/no-stress-in-sleep-training-a-response/), and argue that other studies (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out)  and medical associations (https://www.aaimhi.org/key-issues/position-statements-and-guidelines/AAIMHI-Position-paper-1-Controlled-crying.pdf) say otherwise, I don’t bother. The truth is, there are so many articles out there, parents will always find something that says sleep training isn’t harmful if that’s what they want to do.

While I disagree that there’s no risk of harm, frankly I don’t care whether there is or not. Sleep training could be the safest thing in the world, but it’s still not how you treat a person. Especially a person you love, who is completely helpless without you, who didn’t ask for you to bring her into this world.

To quote my pediatrician friend, “if it’s not acceptable parenting during the day, it’s not acceptable parenting at night.” Crying is how babies communicate distress. We know that during the day. I don’t know a single person who thinks it’s ok to let a newborn cry for hours on end in the afternoon because the caregiver is tired. But parents proudly recount sleep training tales of babies crying for 3 hours straight like they are swapping war stories. In an article where a mother recounts locking her child in her room overnight (https://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/07/well/family/our-sleep-training-nightmare.html), she seems surprised that the locksmith showed no concern for the fact that he was installing a lock on the outside of a child’s bedroom. I worked with foster kids long enough to agree with the author- that should definitely raise alarm bells. But somehow it’s ok, because she was only going to use it at night.

The way you respond to your baby sets the tone for your relationship with your child. Ignoring their night time cries says to your child that your threshold for meeting their emotional needs is proven medical harm. Rather, be the type of parent who responds to your child’s distress, even when it would be easier not to. We create secure attachment when we show our babies that–even in the absence of quantifiable harm–they are our priority.

The Science of Attachment Parenting

By Judy Arnall

What is the scientific purpose of attachment parenting? In short, attachment parenting provides the child stress relief. Every child experiences stress and it impacts the body by triggering a stress response. Emotions such as fear, loneliness, sadness, frustration and unhappiness are present in children as young as babyhood. Children’s response to those emotions is usually crying in babies and “acting out,” crying or screaming in toddlers. Young children do not have the executive functioning to “self-sooth” or regulate their own stress response because of the immaturity of the brain’s pre-frontal cortex. They need external “scaffolding” help from an adult. When a caring adult responds to the situation promptly and with warmth, the stress is soothed and the calmness of the child resumes. Eventually, children grow to an age, usually in the teen years, where their self-regulation skills are developed enough so they can help themselves to “self-sooth,” and the scaffolding may be removed although comfort and parenting is nice to have all through childhood.

There are three kinds of stress; positive, tolerable and toxic.  Positive stress is good and everyone needs some of this kind. Positive life challenges in the form or people, events or places, create positive stress. When the child faces the stress and overcomes it, often with caregiver support, (and as they get older, with peer support in addition to adult support); the child builds resilience to adversity and it creates a feeling of accomplishment for them. It encourages the child to meet even greater challenges as they grow because it builds their self-esteem and confidence. When a school child makes a class presentation, or a baby is left with a new loving, supportive caregiver, or a toddler faces new playmates at a new daycare, their accomplishment of managing the positive stress builds their resiliency.

Tolerable stress is caused by negative events in a child’s life.  A parent’s divorce, an unwanted move, or the loss of a childhood friend are examples of tolerable stress because they are temporary, and supported by a caring, loving, warm attachment adult who can help steer the child through the stressful time.  The adult responds to the child with active listening, lots of hugs, immediate problem-solving and being available for continual help. Even when the child “acts out” their stress by exhibiting bad behaviour, a caring, warm response from an adult will help the child regulate his emotions, return to a calmer state and eventually resolve the problem.

Toxic stress is also caused by negative events although these events tend to be on-going and the one pervasive factor that moves tolerable stress into toxic stress is the lack of a supportive caregiver or attachment parent. On-going, unaddressed bullying at school, or a baby being left to cry it out most nights, or a toddler that is spanked every day for touching items, are examples of toxic stress. In the first example, the bullying is on-going and pervasive. In the last two examples, the adult caregiver no longer is the supportive, caring person, and instead, becomes the source of the toxic stress as in the spanking and leaving to “cry it out” example. When the child has no other adult support resources, they are left to manage the adverse experience on their own.

Of API’s 8 Principles of Parenting, the principles of responding with sensitivity (and not anger), practicing respectful sleep habits (not leaving children to cry-it-out alone) and using positive discipline (non-punitive guidance) are the most important attachment parenting principles to ensure toxic stress does not occur.

Children do not need toxic stress. Ever. The full onslaught of toxic stress stimulates the production of cortisol and adrenaline, which in turn is good in short doses to motivate the body into flight, freeze or fight mode, but bad for the body when it is produced in large ongoing doses. The constant production of these hormones can damage developing brain architecture in children and may produce lifelong consequences later in life in the form of eventual physical and emotional health problems and propensity to addictions.

No one lives a stress-free life, but adults who practice attachment parenting principles can buffer the negative effects of toxic stress in order to turn the stress into tolerable stress and grow healthy, happy children. Loving, caring support is never spoiling a child. It is crucial for a child’s healthy emotional, physical and social development.

Judy Arnall is the past president of Attachment Parenting Canada Association and bestselling author of Attachment Parenting Tips Raising Toddlers To Teens, www.attachmentparenting.ca

Some winning tips to connect and reconnect with children – at the holidays and all of the time

Making time to share time and interests with your child refills the love-tank and lets you bounce back after struggles.  Small moments in every day, every week, keep us connected. Small moments mean the connections do not have to be complicated to be powerful; they can be something like:

  • Stop and make eye contact over breakfast
  • Find a funny meme to share a smile together
  • Put your coat on backwards for a silly laugh together
  • Put a note of appreciation on the bathroom mirror
  • Notice something your child does well that might not normally get noticed and ask them about it
  • Interrupt dinner prep and give a hug
  • Make up a special word or phrase to share that means “I love you”
  • Take a walk together and share what you notice
  • Sit and make plans together for an adventure
  • Join your child in something he or she enjoys and share the excitement
  • Playing simple games your children make up and direct
  • Find ways to help others together

All of these moments in time are the heartbeats that keep us connected. This heartbeat tells our children that we’re there for them, we’re available, we see them, we love them. What keeps you connected?

Celebrating and Navigating the Holidays

This Attachment Parenting International post was compiled from some APtly Said contributions that help AP parents navigate holiday challenges in the midst of celebrations: co-sleeping while traveling, maintaining balance with so much going on, nurturing a new baby, and much more. Enjoy this helpful series and your holidays–and search APtly Said and AttachmentParenting.org for even more holiday helpful posts!

Thankful – Even young children can learn how to be thankful for what they have this holiday season.

Attached During the Holiday – Learn how one family stays attached during the busy holiday season.

The Giving Tree – One mom shares her family traditions and asks you to share yours.

Creating Holiday Traditions – Every year you have the opportunity to create a new holiday tradition, what do you have planned for this year?

Attachment Parenting Makes the Holidays Easier – Babywearing leaves you with two hands free! What other ways has attachment parenting made your holiday season a little bit easier?

Holiday Expectations Denied – How do you handle it when your holiday plans don’t go as expected?

A Foundation of Trust – Santa or no Santa? Weigh in on this issue.

Guiding Children to Associate the Holiday Season with Giving – The holidays are more about giving than getting; help your children embrace this idea.

AP Picture Books Make Great Holiday Presents – What holiday list would be complete without a gift recommendation?

Ringing in the New Year – A New Year’s Resolution for each of API’s Principles of Parenting.

If you have an attachment parenting-related holiday post that you’d like to submit to APtly Said, please email info [at] attachmentparenting [dot] org.

Love Collective—Sharing experience and making parenting sweeter

Modern parenting is both dramatically different from just 10 years ago – and surprisingly unchanged over eons. What constitutes our “local” community has been slowly changing as the internet and other technologies have allowed us to become individual nomads. We regularly transplant ourselves outside of traditional, geographically convenient support networks. Online parenting resources help us discover new sources of support and connect us to those who are farther away—our plug-in devices help keep us “plugged into” important resources. In our physical communities, we glean parenting support at book club, waiting with other parents at our children’s lesson, place of worship, parent-teacher organization or whatever community is convenient for us in our busy, fully scheduled lives.

The links between early childhood experiences and later mental and physical health have long been demonstrated. We’re also clear about the centrality of the parent-child and caregiving relationships as the context of these experiences. We hear less about long-studied impacts that social support has on the well being of parents and caregivers. In the same way that carrots are known to be good for us, social support is also good for us. API has long advocated that more access to inexpensive parenting groups offering high-quality support and information is an easy, meaningful and effective community resource with benefits beyond happier and healthier parents and children. This AP Month we emphasize that connecting and expanding social support can only be even better.

API’s 2018 APM theme results in breaking down still more barriers so that more parents have access to research-based parent support. We’re turning our own resources inside out to create an even bigger knowledge commons. We’ll tap crowdsourcing as a means to create a bigger impact and network of shared knowledge, parent support and practices. Support is available across a wide variety of formats, but most important is that we find effective ways to give and receive support. Feelings of support influence our own well being and access to online and place-based resources are important resources for parents and children. Coming together based on common interests can harness social creativity, collaboration and information sharingAPI’s core mission for more than 24 years.

API is proud to be a longtime parent community organization. We’re excited to announce our restructuring this month and share the ways we’ll be expanding resource access to more parents. Our goal is for every community to have access to tools for new parent groups to support healthy parenting.

There are so many ways of collaborating to establish or find new social connection, support and information. Whether we’re displaced and seeking a second or substitute family or “in-place” and interested in different ways of parenting, we’re all seeking support systems that offer trusted guidance and belonging. Someone to say: “I know just what you’re going through.” That someone may be you. If so, we not only promote connection but invite you to think and act in concert by connecting with other organizations or individuals serving families. By working together, we gain strength for the journey and increase our ability to help and make a difference. With many of us offering that trusted guidance, relying on resources to make it easier so that in coming together—fostering a love collective—we can create a more compassionate world for our children.

API urges local parenting groups to step out and connect with other local entities. Talk, listen, and connect to find possibilities. API will be doing it on a national level too. Get to know each other and look at what you can do in your community to work together for parents and children. Create coalitions, meet periodically—form a love collective—at least meet once. Infuse various local community groups and organizations with access to parenting resources and support. Advocate for universal parenting education and policies to change our systems that work against families and a healthy start. Affiliate with API, use our resources–they are there for you, and watch for all our upcoming announcements. Contribute and share resources, so that together we can create meaningful change for all families.

Selected References
Bauwens, M., & Pantazis, A. (2018). The ecosystem of commons-based peer production and its transformative dynamics. The Sociological Review, 66(2), 302-319.
Crnic, Keith A. and Greenberg, Mark T. (1990). Minor parenting stresses with young children. Child Development, 61, 1628-1637.
Dillon Goodson B. Parent support programs and outcomes for children. In: Tremblay RE, Barr RG, Peters
RDeV, eds. Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development [online]. Montreal, Quebec: Centre of
Excellence for Early Childhood Development; 2005:1-6. Available at: http://www.childencyclopedia.com/documents/GoodsonANGxp.pdf. Accessed [2012].
Ditzena, Beate, Schmidt, Silke, Straussd, Bernhard, Natera, Urs Markus, Ehlerta, Ulrike and Heinrichse, Markus (2008). Adult attachment and social support interact to reduce psychological but not cortisol responses to stress. Journal of Psychosomatic Illness, 64, 479-486.
Falconer, Mary Kay (2006). Mutual Self-Help Parent Support Groups in the Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect. The Ounce of Prevention Fund of Florida.
Guest, Eileen Mary, and Keatinge, Diana R. (2009). The Value of New Parent Groups in Child and Family Health Nursing. Journal of Perinatal Education, 18(3), 12–22.
Gunnar, M. R., Hostinar, C. E., Sanchez, M. M., Tottenham, N., & Sullivan, R. M. (2015). Parental buffering of fear and stress neurobiology: Reviewing parallels across rodent, monkey, and human models. Social neuroscience, 10(5), 474-478.
Huang, C. Y., Costeines, J., Kaufman, J. S., & Ayala, C. (2014). Parenting stress, social support, and depression for ethnic minority adolescent mothers: Impact on child development. Journal of child and family studies, 23(2), 255-262.
Inagaki, T. K., Haltom, K. E. B., Suzuki, S., Jevtic, I., Hornstein, E., Bower, J. E., & Eisenberger, N. I. (2016). The neurobiology of giving versus receiving support: the role of stress-related and social reward-related neural activity. Psychosomatic medicine, 78(4), 443.
Kessler, R. C., Mickelson, K. D. and Zhao, S. (1997). Patterns and correlates of self-help group membership in the United States. Social Policy, 27(3), 27-46.
McQuaid, R. J., McInnis, O. A., Paric, A., Al-Yawer, F., Matheson, K., & Anisman, H. (2016). Relations between plasma oxytocin and cortisol: The stress buffering role of social support. Neurobiology of stress, 3, 52-60.
Niela-Vilén, H., Axelin, A., Salanterä, S., & Melender, H. L. (2014). Internet-based peer support for parents: A systematic integrative review. International Journal of Nursing Studies, 51(11), 1524-1537.
Serido, Joyce, Almeida, David M. and Wethington, Elaine (2004). Chronic Stressors and Daily Hassles: Unique and Interactive Relationships with Psychological Distress. Journal of Health and Social Behavior, 45(1) Research Library Core, 17-33.
Small, Rhonda, Taft, Angela J., and Brown, Stephanie (2011). The power of social connection and support in improving health: lessons from social support interventions with childbearing women. BMC Public Heatlh, 11, S4.
Stewart-Brown, Sarah L. and Scrader-McMillan, Anita (2011). Parenting for mental health: what does the evidence say we need to do? Report of Workpackage 2 of the DataPrev project. Health Promotion International, Special supplement on mental health promotion, 10-28.
Thompson, R. A. (2015). Social support and child protection: Lessons learned and learning. Child Abuse & Neglect, 41, 19-29.