Kelly Bartlett – Page 3

Playtime Grows Up

Young children play effortlessly. Kids are naturally predisposed to play, and it doesn’t take much to engage a child in a silly game or role-play. Through play, kids express feelings, needs, thoughts and ideas that they might not yet have the words to articulate. Playing together lets parents connect and communicate with kids beyond a conversation and provides insight into their world.

But how does playtime change as kids get older? How can parents adapt their approach to playful parenting after kids outgrow the desire to get silly, wrestle, and pretend? How can we achieve the same results with our teenagers that we can by playing “tickle monster” with our toddlers? or what you can do is Get the best Android games mods apk from RedMoonePie. In this modern world, most of the people are willing to play with overwatch game as it has awesome gameplay and features. It’s the best multiplayer first-person shooter game. At a game, the player can get a grip on and work together to defend and secure control points on the map. Winning the game is not easiest task since you think you are advised to pick Overwatch boosting service as it’s providing amazing amounts of their positive aspects. All the game players who play dota 2 know how much it is essential to get a high ranking. To get the more top ranking is only possible when one performs in the game. It takes lots of effort to has an excellent ranking in the game; you need to play the game as much as you can and also win the level. For all the gamers, it is not possible to invest much time, so for such conditions, they can go to have the dota 2 boosting service. We will need to send money to get such a service. The first essential benefit of the mmr boosting service is to get a high ranking. Every player has the dream to get a good ranking in the favorite game. If you are thinking of being in top players of dota 2 games, then you will need to spend lots of time. How many times we see that it is challenging to get a higher ranking because there are numerous players with whom we have to compete. If we are not able to perform the game, then it will be useful to hire a dota 2 boosting service.

Emily Troper is an early childhood educator, a co-founder of Continuum Learning Community in Portland, Oregon, and an AP mom who says that play is a big part of her family’s life. Troper has four children ages 6-19, and though she says it can be difficult to find ways to play that suit all of her kids, it is important enough to continue to try. Troper shares some of her family’s insights on how they continue to play together and what playtime looks like in a house with teenagers.

Physical Play

Physical games don’t lose their appeal for kids, but they do become more organized. While young children enjoy the Use of game guardian to hack most popular Android games.the rough and tumble play of wrestling, tackling, being tossed, rolled, or carried, older children (and their developing logical brains) begin to enjoy a more organized form of physical play: sports. As children get older, parents can enjoy physical play with their kids in the form of organized sports, games, or activities. Basketball, golf, tennis, jogging, even air hockey or table soccer all release endorphins and cause players to experience a shared, “feel-good” moment. Interactive physical activity provides emotionally connecting experiences for parents and kids. And not just at work. In their adult lives, children who participated in sports will be more likely to follow healthy lifestyle that include exercise.

Troper says that despite her children’s wide range of ages, they have discovered several games that they all enjoy. She says, “We love the sock game from Larry Cohen’s book [Playful Parenting]. Everyone wears socks and sits on the floor. When we say ‘Go!’ we try to get off the other family members’ socks but keep our own on.” Their family also loves driving go-carts and playing Ping-Pong together.

Verbal Play

As children grow and their brains and language become more developed, jokes are a great way to stay connected. Jokes are interactive, and they keep us thinking and laughing together. A funny joke activates many areas of the brain, and releases endorphins when we “get it” and find the humor in it. For Troper’s family, play has become much more verbal as her children have gotten older, with meal times becoming a new kind of playtime. She says, “We often share funny stories at the dinner table and have a long history of inside jokes.”

Fun Stuff

Besides finding games that the whole family can do together, Troper says it’s equally important to have fun with each of her kids individually. She recommends joining kids in whatever they’re interested. “With my oldest son, we enjoyed watching comedy shows after the younger ones were sleeping, and laughing our heads off together.” Whether the activity is playing cards or board games, listening to music, building Legos or playing laser tag, sharing regular, enjoyable one-on-one time helps parents stay in-tune with their child’s interests and keeps their connection strong.

A Listening Tool

In the early years, play helps express a child’s feelings and is an avenue for parent-child communication. According to Troper, this did not change much as her kids have gotten older and outgrown the creative play of early childhood. For her teenagers, playful, enjoyable moments continue to be opportunities for listening; for finding out what her children might be feeling and needing. She says, “With my oldest son, the pre-teen years were filled with being in the car together in the morning and afternoon. We listened to the music he wanted to listen to, and talked about it. It was light and fun, but every so often deeper subjects would come up, and it was a safe space to talk.”

Although parents may not share all of their kids’ interests, taking the time to understand and get involved in them inevitably leads to talking, connecting, and building a trusting relationship. The games may change as kids get older, but the enjoyment of playtime doesn’t end in early childhood. Tweens and teens still like to have fun. They still like to laugh. They still express themselves through their interests. No matter how playtime has evolved, parents can use it as an opportunity to get and stay close to their growing children.

Reframing the Yes Environment

Many moms and dads have heard of the “Yes” environment before; it’s popular advice for parents of babies and toddlers. When infants become mobile, we are advised to create an environment for them that is free of “No”s. We baby proof everything; put small and dangerous objects out of reach, cover up safety hazards, lock the cabinets, install gates, secure furniture to the wall, pad the sharp edges of tables and fireplace mantles, and put any and all valuables and destructive items safely away. We look for every opportunity to say “No,” to tell our babies that they need to stay away from something or to put something down, and we turn those “No”s into “Yes”es. This is a Yes Environment.

It is fantastic for our homes, but what about when we’re other places? We can take the principles of the Yes Environment and apply them to other situations. Here’s another perspective:

One mom’s 2-year-old son repeatedly throws his toy car on the ground as he rides in the cart at the grocery store, not because he is angry or upset, but simply because he thinks it is great fun. This mom says, “If I take it away because I need to grocery shop, isn’t that a punishment?”

What she is doing by holding onto the car is creating a yes environment while she shops. That is the best thing she can do to help her son succeed in not throwing his car.

When she is getting annoyed at constantly stopping to get the car (which is very valid), she can simply pick it up and put it in her bag without a word. If the toddler notices that she doesn’t give it back to him and he asks about it, she can tell him, “The car keeps falling down, so I’m going to hold it for now.” She’s not blaming or shaming him by telling him it’s his own fault he doesn’t have the car, or that “this is what happens when you act this way.” Just solving a temporary problem to get the shopping done smoothly.

Creating a yes environment is about setting a child up for success; about removing obstacles to success. In accompanying his mom through the grocery store, the obstacle to the little boy’s success is the entire combination of: the toy, his age, the setting, his need to experience things (here, the emotional, cognitive, and physical experience of repeatedly throwing the car down), and his complete lack of impulse control. By removing the car from that combination of factors, it’s not that she is “taking the car away”, so much as “eliminating an obstacle.” She is creating the opportunity for him to be successful. It’s a yes environment in the grocery cart.

Understanding this principle allows parents to use the yes environment tool in a variety of situations for kids of all ages. Removing obstacles to success is more effective than expecting children to navigate around obstacles when they are not developmentally capable of doing so.

A mom dashes to meet her preschooler and hold his hand as he nears the street…she’s created a yes environment. (The obstacle is the lack of safe guidance in the street. He is not capable of making thoughtful decisions about going in the street.)

A teacher rearranges her seating chart to separate talkative students…it’s a yes environment. (The obstacle is the distraction of fun, chatty friends nearby. They are not capable of controlling their impulse to talk to their friends.)

A dad clears the floor as his daughter launches into a sommersault…yes environment. (The obstacles are, well…the obstacles that are literally in her way. She’s not capable of maneuvering her body around them.)

A yes environment is a fantastic positive parenting tool at any age because it is proactive. It tells children, “I’m going to help you be successful with this.”

Today, let’s look for more ways to create yes environments for our kids. Even if they may not be toddlers anymore and we don’t need to baby proof their physical environment, we can still remove obstacles to their success. We can look for ways to turn “No”s into “Yes”es. We can help our kids be successful until they’re capable of doing it on their own.

AP and Spanking Don’t Mix

Many parents, even many of those who are focused on creating a secure attachment with their child, spank as a form of discipline. They may say things like…

“I only spank when….”

“I only spank after I’ve tried [XYZ] first.”

“Spanking is OK when it’s done [a certain way], but not [a certain other way].”

“We did attachment parenting when our kids were infants (past tense).”

“We follow AP, but believe in strong discipline for obedience.”

“We are AP, except for spanking.”

Attachment parenting is about raising children using parenting methods that strengthen relationships, foster empathy, and teach nonviolent communication. Spanking may elicit appropriate behavior in children, but it is a technique that, no matter how it is administered, does not support a secure attachment; it does not meet kids’ emotional needs, and it functions against the goals of AP (communication, connection).

Attachment parenting has no end date. It is not a stage or a phase, but a mindset. It’s a perspective that permeates the relationship between a parent and child and all of the interactions they have together. So, the parenting goals that AP moms and dads have when their kids are infants are the same goals they have when their kids are older; communication, connection, respectful relationships.

Just because children outgrow infanthood, doesn’t mean they outgrow those needs. And just because parents may be focused on teaching their kids appropriate behavior doesn’t mean they should ignore the principles that drew them to AP in the first place.

The goal of attachment parenting is connection, not obedience. There is simply no attachment-promoting way to spank.

There are, however, attachment-promoting ways to discipline; to teach children those necessary elements of behavioral limits, expectations, and accountability, while still prioritizing the parent-child relationship. Positive discipline accomplishes this. The tools of positive discipline fit well within the context of attachment parenting because they follow the “And” principle…

I want to teach my kids how to behave appropriately and I want to prioritize our relationship.
I want my kids to be accountable for their behavior and I want to respect them (their autonomy, their development).
I want to parent with firmness and kindness.
I want to let kids know what is expected of them and I want to stay connected to them.
I want to teach my kids respect and I want to facilitate communication between us.

It is common to equate positive parenting with permissive parenting. As children outgrow the AP practices of infanthood, parents frequently believe that they must “establish control” of their children, expect obedience, and enforce boundaries. For without limits and authority, children “rule the roost,” right?

Yes, children certainly need limits. Yes, they need clear boundaries. Yes, parents must communicate their expectations and hold kids accountable for their behavior. And yes, parents can teach kids these things without punishments, without threats, without inducing fear, and without spanking.

At the start of her 7-week Positive Discipline classes, author and parent educator Jane Nelsen asks parents, “How many of you would try one other parenting tool before you spanked?” Inevitably, every hand goes up. She continues and asks, “How many of you would try two things before spanking?” Hands stay up. “Three things? More?” And still, the hands stay up.

So, many parents are, indeed, aware of the limitations of spanking. Many parents spank because they are exasperated with their child’s behavior and want it to stop but don’t know what else to do. This is exactly what Positive Discipline classes do; they give parents new tools for disciplining effectively and non-punitively, while fostering and maintaining an emotional connection with their children.

As children outgrow the practices of AP such as breastfeeding, babywearing, and co-sleeping, they grow into other ones. Different techniques accomplish the same attachment-oriented goals: connection, security, respectful communication. It is possible to fill parenting toolboxes with a supply of non-punitive, connection-enhancing alternatives to spanking.

There are many. Some are in-the-moment reactive, while others are primarily proactive. All are able to accomplish the same results as spanking (setting limits, expecting accountability, teaching kids appropriate behavior) but with the important element of respect. These are just some (very condensed) examples taken from the set of Positive Discipline Parenting Tools:

Positive time out—both parents and children can take take time to cool off and access our rational brains.
Focus on solutions—move from thinking, “What can I do to get through to you?” to “What can we do to solve this problem?”
Wheel of choice—brainstorm solutions to everyday conflicts to give kids choices in problem solving.
Distract and redirect—turn a “don’t” into a “do.”
Eye to eye—communication becomes more respectful when you look into your child’s eyes.
Hugs—for children and parents alike; we all do better when we feel better. Physical affection restores brain chemistry to a calm, rational state.
Limited choices—provide small steps in shared power.
Listen—your children will listen after they feel listened to.
Use mistakes as opportunities for problem solving, not punishment.
Validate feelings—don’t fix, rescue, or talk children out of their feelings, and have faith in them to work it through.
Agreements—brainstorm with a child to find a solution everyone can agree to. If the problem occurs, remind the child, “What was our agreement?”
Connection before correction—when emotional connection is in place, the need for correction is greatly minimized.
Break the code—misbehavior is an external code for an internal problem; get at the root of the problem and the behavior will change.
Empower your kids—share control to help kids develop skills to have their own power.
Natural consequences—allow kids to experience the natural consequences of their choices without interference from you.
Encouragement—a misbehaving child is a discouraged child and needs to be encouraged rather than made to feel worse.
Use nonviolent communication—Speak in acknowledgements, “You feel hurt and you need someone to understand,” rather than in judgments, “When will you ever learn?”
Take time for teaching—teach kids what to do and be patient with the learning process.
Special time—schedule regular one-on-one time with each child.
Curiosity questions—ask questions to understand the child’s intentions, motives, feelings and needs.
Show faith—have faith in children to handle their mistakes.
Sense of humor—turn discipline into playful parenting.

And there are even more. Not all tools are applicable to every situation, and some tools work better in combination with others. Every situation is different with every family. For more information and explanation on the tools, you can take a class near you or get the Positive Discipline Parenting Tool Cards.

Parenting non-punitively is definitely more time consuming than administering a spanking, but it is infinitely more valuable. A trusting, encouraging, secure relationship is possible with our newborns, grown-up children and every age in between. It affects how they see themselves and how they relate to the world, and it starts now.

What is Misbehavior?

“Children don’t misbehave, they simply behave to get their needs met.”

This quote comes from Dr. Thomas Gordon, but other psychologists and parent educators have said the same thing. Dr. Jane Nelsen devotes a whole section of her book, Positive Discipline, as well as lessons in her parenting classes to understanding children’s mistaken goals of behavior. The underlying concept is that behaviors like crying, whining, tantrums, lying, hitting, destroying property, etc. all stem from a child’s unmet need. There is something that child is needing that they’re not getting, so they behave in a way to try to meet those needs. Dr. Nelsen calls them “Mistaken Goals” because the child is often mistaken about how to behave in a way to meet their need

Last week, I saw a lady set a full cup of iced coffee next to her on the bench near where her 1-year-old daughter was toddling around. The little girl kept going over to it and picking it up, wanting to turn it over. The mom continually called her “naughty” and asked if she needed a time-out. If this mother understood the relationship between needs and behavior, she’d know that her daughter was not being naughty and that a time-out won’t solve anything. At one year old, this child’s need is to explore her environment using all of her senses; she is not misbehaving, she’s doing exactly what a one-year-old needs to do.

Looks like someone "needed" to see if the cake was cool!

We all behave in ways to get what we need. If I need something to eat, I’ll go to the kitchen and make myself some food. If need some order in my life, I’ll clean my house. If I need a renewed sense of community, I’ll turn on my sociability as I make an effort to connect with friends and neighbors. If I’m feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated, I might subconsciously distance myself from others as I attempt to carve out some alone time for myself (if I don’t realize what I need), or I might just say, “Hey, I need some alone time,” (if I do).
Continue reading “What is Misbehavior?”

A Sleep Evolution

I am looking forward to some sleepovers with my 4 1/2-year-old and 6-year-old this weekend. Sometimes their rooms seem so far away and I miss them at night. We make a point to arrange periodic sleepovers in our bed for some nighttime cuddles and reconnection.

Though I never considered us a “co-sleeping” family, our kids have been in and out of our bed since birth. Co-sleeping full time never worked for us, as I never got great sleep. Co-sleeping enthusiasts are probably surprised to hear this; the reason many people co-sleep is because they are able to get more sleep that way, rather than getting out of bed multiple times a night to nurse. Not to mention the bonding benefits for babies and parents. I just never slept deeply enough to feel well-rested, so it worked better to have a part-time co-sleeping arrangement.

For many days, I was so drowsy in the morning as I could not get a full night’s sleep. A friend of mine recommended something to me back in my college days about a pill called Modafinil that helped her stay awake and focused during the exam weeks. I was not able to try it but she stand by it. She used to take it in the morning when she feels sleepy but still needed to study. I never got to try it during pregnancy and after, but if you want to, you can get it here: www.buy-modafinil-online.org. Make sure to read everything you can about before trying it out and talk to a professional.

For the newborn stage, both of our babies spent most of each night in our bed. Sometimes I’d set them in the bassinet next to the bed, but I found that, even though I didn’t sleep soundly, I wanted them right next to me all night. The bassinet was too far away.

When they got to about 3-4 months old, we started getting into a bit of a routine, both day time and night. This meant that nap times became more regular and a bedtime emerged. I started putting my babies down for their first block of nighttime sleep in the bassinet/ crib for as long as they were going to sleep. This could have been anywhere from 45 minutes to 3 hours. But after the first time they woke, I took them into bed with me for the rest of the night.

As the months progressed, it was later and later in the night when they came into our bed; not because they were sleeping for longer stretches, but simply because I’d put them back down in their own sleep space for a second (and, eventually, a third, fourth, etc.) time. This process was so gradual I can’t even remember the length of time it spanned. It was some time between one and two years…closer to one for my daughter, closer to two for my son. This time seems so long ago!

By a long, gentle transition, they were each in their own rooms full-time by the time they were toddlers. Despite their being in another room, I made sure I was responsive, as nighttime needs matter just as much as daytime. I got up when they cried out. I nursed them when they needed it. I soothed them to sleep in their own beds when it worked and took them into our bed when it didn’t. This wasn’t always easy; some nights during various developmental stages it was hard to get up often, but it was harder for me to have them in my bed, where no one was getting good sleep and I never felt rested. I always gave my kids what they needed at night, yet still found a way to meet my own needs of at least one segment of deep sleep.

As toddlers in their toddler beds, my husband and I took turns putting them to bed at night. We each had a different routine for tucking the kids in. Beyond the basic steps of going potty, brushing teeth, and putting on PJs, John had his special time with the kids and I had mine. We each had our preferences for laying with the kids and either talking, tickling, reading stories, or singing. Sometimes we’d stay with them until they were asleep, and sometimes we said goodnight while they were still awake. We still have our own tucking-in routines, though they’ve changed a bit since the kids were toddlers. Now they’re shorter and involve playing games (John) or reading and talking (me & Elia) or reading and cuddles (me & JJ).

Over the years our kids have developed healthy sleep habits as well as flexibility in their nighttime routines. They are not dependent on one person, one object, or a very specific routine to get to sleep. Now, at ages 4 1/2 and 6 they sleep through the night. If for some reason they do wake up, they know how to get what they need (water, potty, comfort for a bad dream) and go back to sleep.

Our kids are welcome in our bed anytime. Now that they’re older and waking up less often or not-at-all, I am able to sleep much better when we’re all together. We have a kid in our bed several nights a month. Sometimes they come in a few nights in a row for extra comfort, sometimes not. If the impromptu mid-night visits get too few and far between, we plan sleepovers where one child will get tucked into our bed so the three of us can enjoy falling asleep together and waking up together. There’s just nothing like cuddling all night with our kids, and I’m sure they’d say the same thing about us (at least for now)!

So this weekend, John will be out of town, there will be a huge empty space in our bed, and my kids and I will spend our nights snuggling together. I’m looking forward to having their little bodies right next to me!

I am not raising obedient children…

...nor do I want to. Not that I would rather have disobedient kids, but…actually that’s closer to the truth. What?! (You say.) What crazy parent would want this?

To me, the word “obedient” has such a negative connotation when used in reference to raising children. It literally means to obey. As in, orders.

Is that what parenting is? Ordering our children through their youth? I guess it would be nice if my kids followed my orders just because I said so. Put your toys away. Eat this food. Find new friends. Date this person, not that person. Take this job, not that one. Have your first child by this date. Buy a house at this random location on the map, just because I said so.

If we are teaching our kids to be “obedient,” at what point do we stop ordering them around? And what if there’s a strong reason not to obey someone’s order? A “good“ child — one who is taught to be obedient — might not have the forethought to see a situation through.

I don’t want children who obey without hesitation. I want children who can think for themselves, recognize and listen to their feelings and instincts and respond appropriately.

What I mean when I say I’d rather my kids be “dis”obedient is really more like be deliberate. I want my kids to think about what they’re doing, assess the situations they’re in and make internally motivated decisions. I don’t want them to do things just because I said so — though I know that with the number and types of interactions I have with my kids at their current ages of 4 and 6 years old, doing things because I said so would certainly be nice sometimes. All of the questioning, reasoning, arguing and explaining I hear after a simple request does get time-consuming and tiring.

But I appreciate the thought my kids put into their explanations to not do something I ask. Raising non-obedient kids will become very important in several years when they are out alone — maybe with friends or maybe truly on their own; in either case, without parents — and must evaluate an emotionally or physically risky situation. They need to be able to recognize their feelings, appreciate the significance of those feelings, and trust their instincts to make a considerate and educated decision, a fitting decision — not an obedient decision.

Getting out of the mindset that children need to obey parents “because we say so” and instead developing a mutually respectful relationship that inspires independent thinking will be hugely beneficial for my kids and our family in about 10 years. As aggravating as some situations at this point in time, I will gladly take this challenge on now rather than later.

Don’t Argue With Me

Here’s something that happens a lot: I say something. My child (I’m thinking particularly of my 4-year-old) argues the opposite. He’s not at all correct. In fact, he’s so not correct, his statement doesn’t make any logical sense at all.

Mom, this is how you spell “people”: p-e-p-l. Oh, close…there are a few more letters in there. No, that’s how you spelling exercise.
JJ, it’s time to be done with computer games. You never let me play computer!
Mom, what did we have for breakfast today? We had eggs. No, we didn’t! We had muffins. Actually, we had eggs today. We had muffins yesterday. No!

Where do I go from there? There are so many potential back-and-forths to be had with these kinds of statements. Do I bother? What are my choices for how to respond to ridiculous arguments? As I see it, I could:

Retort Back. I could issue the classic, “Don’t argue with me” statement. Many parents don’t like the feeling of being talked back to or argued with. It undermines their authority, and negates the message that they are “right.”

I think arguing is actually a valuable skill to have. I want my kids to be able to disagree and feel confident enough to share their thoughts. This will lead to standing up for themselves during tough moments or speaking up for others when it matters.

I also don’t want to send the message to my kids that they must be seen and not heard, or that different thoughts equal wrong thoughts. Sure, sometimes they might be wrong (the correct spelling of the word “people” is pretty indisputable), but there’s a difference in shutting down a child’s voice with an “I’m right, you’re wrong” attitude, and listening to their different–and, yes, maybe even wrong–thoughts with acceptance. It sets the stage for learning healthy debate skills and an open approach to communication. Though there are many times I’d like to respond to my kids with “Don’t argue with me,” I know that arguing is essentially good for them. It is helpful for kids to be able to disagree with authority figures in a safe environment and hone their Stick-Up-For-Myself skills.

Argue With Him. This is probably the most instinctual. When opposed, I can always come up with lots of excellent examples that really make my case. It’s only too easy to argue with my child over how much time he actually does get to spend on the computer, or how many muffins we don’t have in the pantry because we ate them…yesterday. But why do I feel the need to prove my point to a 4-year-old? And what will it truly result in?

No, it was eggs today. Remember I asked you if you wanted scrambled eggs? No. And you said yes, and I asked you if you wanted them with cheese or no cheese? No. And you said with cheese, so we had cheesy eggs today. No! I didn’t say that!
Of course I let you play computer! What have you been doing this morning? You played it yesterday too, and every day. You get plenty of computer time. No I don’t! I don’t get to play it hardly ever!

Perpetuating the argument only results in my son continuing to assert that he is right, now more loudly and with more emotion, because his autonomy is being threatened. Arguing with a child becomes less about the issue at hand and more about asserting control. One of us has to be a grown-up and disengage in this kind of pointless power struggle. Oh, right, that would be me…the grown-up.

Let it Go. Say, “OK.” Moving on. Because really, what does it matter? If my son mistakenly thinks we had muffins instead of eggs for breakfast, who does that hurt? How important is it for me to push the issue, and what will it cost our connection to do so? I’d rather agree to disagree about breakfast than put distance in our relationship.

Hear Him Out. Give him a chance to explain his seemingly ridiculous argument. “Oh?” “Is that what you think?” “What makes you say that?” “Tell me more.” “Ah, I see…” Asking these types of curiosity questions shows my child that I’m interested in what he has to say, even if I disagree. They also shift the conversation from confrontational to communicative. It tells him, “We see things differently, but I am interested in hearing you. I will listen, and you can help me understand.”

Listen to What He’s Really Trying to Say. Why do kids adamantly say things like “you always…” and “you never…”? Well, it’s based on the way the child feels at the time the statement is made. “You never…” and “You always…” indicate that he has strong feelings about that situation. “You never let me play computer” translates to, “I love playing computer and I’M SO ANGRY that I can’t play right now!” But of course, a 4-year-old’s brain isn’t capable of articulating that. Rather than try to prove my point with arguments and examples, I can simply acknowledge my child’s side of the argument and the feelings that are bringing it to light.

An argument with a child is rarely about the topic at hand. The verbal intensity and seeming lack of logic are brought on by the feelings underlying a child’s belligerence. So, for me and my argumentative 4-year-old, I could choose to ignore those feelings and assert my authority (focus on proving that I am right), or I could decide how important it really is that I “win” and respond to him with sensitivity. I can listen with acceptance and remind myself of his current stage of emotional, cognitive, and linguistic development. I can understand that the situation is not that he’s not listening to me; it’s that he’s not able to process information as I am. As any adult is. Because he’s four. But he won’t be four forever, and regardless of how obscure his perspective may seem right now, I can certainly make an effort to listen…for the future of our relationship and communication.

How to Train Your Dragon: Yell at it?

Maybe,” [Old Wrinkly] said, “you can train a dragon better by talking to it than by yelling at it.”

“That’s sweet,” said Hiccup, “and a very touching thought. However…from what I know about dragons…I should say that yelling was a pretty good method.”

“But it has its limitations, doesn’t it?” Old Wrinkly pointed out.

–An excerpt from How to Train Your Dragon, by Cressida Cowell

It does. Yelling is effective at pretty much two things: intimidating someone into doing what you say, and making them feel bad. No one, children or adults, likes to be yelled at.

Yelling, while an instinctual stress-reliever, doesn’t do anything to actually educate a person about the point you’re trying to make. I had a teacher once who yelled a lot, and what I remember most about her class is the crummy feeling I had when I was in her room. I remember feeling uncomfortable and sad when she yelled at other students, and I became so afraid to ask questions or talk to her about anything, for fear of her then yelling at me. One time, I thought my book report was late, and oh, the fear I felt then! Just imagining what she would say to (yell at) me turned my stomach into knots. Thinking back on it now, I can’t remember anything about that book report, not even the title of the book, nor any other academic lessons I learned in her class. I actually can’t even remember this teacher’s name; it’s like a traumatic memory, suppressed. (By the way, my book report did not end up being late, so crisis averted. I do remember the joy of that moment of realization.)

As a parent, it’s easy to have my buttons pushed by my kids, yet difficult to remember that yelling doesn’t actually do anything to help them meet their behavioral goals.

“We can’t teach kids to behave better by making them feel worse.” –Pam Leo, Connected Parenting

“Children do better when they feel better.” –Jane Nelsen, Positive Discipline

I am nowhere near perfect at this…the yelling thing. It takes a lot of practice to recondition the way we respond to anger, and I am in the midst of working on this. It’s a many-years-long journey. What I’m working on first and foremost is reconfiguring my “buttons”; trying to take the triggers that usually make me angry and change them so that they, well…don’t. This is a matter of understanding and perspective. The more I understand about my children’s behavior–how their brains develop and why they do the things they do–the less they trigger my anger reflex. And the more perspective I have over “the big picture”–the foundational aspects of raising children that are truly important–the more I realize that in-the-moment yelling doesn’t work toward meeting the long-term goals I have for myself, my children, and our family as a whole.

Yelling at kids doesn’t help them learn a lesson. Just like my book report experience, what kids remember most is the feeling brought on by the yelling; the fear. That’s the piece of information that our brains hold onto and shape our future interactions and behaviors. Even the joy I felt when I realized my report was not late and I was not going ot be yelled at was a positive feeling, but still brought on by fear. Was I then motivated to make extra sure that I was never late on an assignment in this teacher’s class again? Of course. I do think fear is a very effective motivator…no argument from me there. But that’s not the motivation on which I want my parenting, thus my relationship with my children, to be based.

Our most prominent memories stem from feelings around events: succeeding, failing, solving a problem, making mistakes, having fun, going through a difficult time, being held, getting yelled at. After many years, the details of events are likely to become foggy, but the feelings remain. What do I want my kids to remember when they think back on their childhoods? Less yelling and feeling afraid, more understanding and feeling supported. Teaching by yelling does have its limitations. Teaching through connection is limitless.