There was a book about a bunny that my mom always used to read to us when we were young. It was about a little bunny being asked by many bunny family members what he wanted to be when he grew up. Did he want to be a fireman? A policeman? A doctor? A vet? The bunny just kept shaking his head, he didn’t want to be any of those things. In the end of the book the little bunny states that he wants to be a daddy bunny.
My adult brain now says to me “that’s it?” but that is not what it said when I was younger. That was the best book ever. The only change I would have made to the book would have been to make it a girl bunny so it could have been me! Somewhere along the line, even though my mom was a stay at home mom and was (is) amazing, I let the “that’s it” mentality sneak in to my head.
I have always wanted to be a mom. Being a mom was the ultimate goal for me. The word “career” never entered my mind. I have never been afraid to work, I just saw being a mom as the ultimate form of work (for myself). It is strange how, now that I look back, I see that childish perspective has in some ways been taken from me. I found myself looking for extra “real” jobs the other day. I ended up with some piece work that I actually think I will probably keep up with in my “spare” time but I also ended up with a few things that are just plain time suckers. Sucking time that I really would like to put elsewhere.
It took me over a week worth of wasting my time on these things to realize that I don’t even know why I am doing it. What am I trying to prove? Not only that but I started looking at schools. Someone suggested I look in to free course material from major colleges on the Internet but only if I was not interested in a degree. I felt my heart sink. I know why. Somewhere in me I feel like I need to be validated.
As I am typing this entry my beautiful 20 month old son starts crying in his room downstairs. I pause what I am doing waiting to see if it passes and it does not. I head downstairs to see what is going on. He has rolled out of bed and is sitting there dazed. He reaches for the bottle of water that I keep by his bed and shakily tries to bring it to his mouth. As he does this his eyes start closing and he starts nodding off to sleep. I end up supporting his head and the water as he sleep drinks. I then pick him up, cuddle him and put him back to bed where he is now sleeping peacefully. And now I sit here and ponder what kind of validation it is that I think I need? What bigger validation is there than the life of another human being? But not even just a life but the love and nurturing and growing the character and creativity… the formation of another person. It makes me ponder what it is that is important and why.
Careers and titles and everything else are not bad. Most of those things represent the hard work and dedication of many people. But so does my son. He represents everything I ever hoped to be. He is my validation and when I’m with him I don’t need any validation, we’re together and we just are.
Jasmine is a co-housing community living mama with a passion for fierce writing she blogs, doesn’t everybody?