Comments on: The Struggles of Being Attached: Is It Worth It?

By: Beth

Beth — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 03:06:06 +0000

I am a single mom of two kids, both of whom I coslept with when they were babies. I just felt more comfortable from birth knowing they were right there and nursing them as needed through the night. For about 6 months, that was wonderful. However, I did move them both into their own crib/room at around 8-10 months due to both of us just not getting enough sleep. With my son, I was working on my undergraduate degree and with my daughter I was in grad school, so sleep was vital.

Now, they are 2 and 4. They sleep in their own room but scream and cry at bedtime. Transitions for both of them have always been difficult, but I am finding myself being very frustrated and overwhelmed on a nightly basis. It is a battle that lasts for up to an hour every night. I know that when I have let them sleep in my bed in the past, they and I dont sleep well. We wake each other up and toss and turn all night (it doesnt help that I talk and sometimes walk in my sleep and my kids talk in their sleep).

I really want to get over this hump and start being a more loving caregiver at bedtime, but I have been finding myself yelling at them when they are injuring each other to get my attention (i.e. the two year old bites and the four year old punches) at night. I am now working full time as a social worker and only get to see them about 3-4 hours a day, tops, and every other weekend their dad has them. I really dont want this to keep up- I miss them so much when I am at work and when I get home to this defiance and struggle it just feels so defeating. Any advice would help- miriamebowman@gmail.com.

Thanks

By: erin b white

erin b white — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 18:06:40 +0000

i have to say that your comment about “sticky formula” is quite judgmental and ignorant. do you know why “those” mothers are using formula? before you judged, did you take a moment to ask them their story, because behind the bottle you just might find a really emotional story about why she can’t breastfeed. those that don’t and can’t breastfeed sure feel the scrutiny when pulling out a bottle which i feel is totally awful and unnecessary. because they bottle feed, are they not as devoted of a mother as you are? again, it leads me back to the story behind the bottle. she may have worked harder than you can even imagine to nurse her little one and the only result was a starving and very sad baby. the point of giving birth is to give life and to give love to that life – whatever it takes.

By: andrea dalhouse

andrea dalhouse — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 14:28:25 +0000

Sometimes it has been hard to get the kicks in the night and be so sleep deprived. Sometimes I just want to be done with nursing because it can be inconvenient and overwhelming when the need is on the every half hour with a 2 year old. Sometimes it was hard to carry a heavy child when my back was hurting but i knew they needed that closeness. And sometimes I get angry and find that it takes every bit of strength and determination to respond to my children with sensitivty when all i want to do is scream and run away. I am an AP parent AND I am human. Sometimes it is really hard to be both. Especially in a mainstream parenting society with others shaking their heads at your methods. I love my children more than anything and AP parenting is the natural way for me. But on the hard days – and if you are a parent without them, then wow! aren’t you lucky!? – it is good and necessary to have a reassurance as this. My girls are still young and it’s hard to see the forest through the trees sometimes. Thanks you for the aerial view

By: anna kokoski

anna kokoski — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 16:39:07 +0000

think the Golden Rule has to apply. just ask yourself, if I was a child, would i want my mother to suffer a lot of pain & stress. hell no.

By: Bunk

Bunk — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 16:51:31 +0000

you are so lucky to have gone through those challenges, embrace it. I never had time for my kids as much as I would have liked.

By: Linda Wyatt

Linda Wyatt — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 03:47:00 +0000

Wow.
Attachment parenting, and responding with sensitivity, is NOT “PRETENDING to be patient” (emphasis mine, not the author’s) “while my inner voice was screaming behind my ears, “Just stop it, already!”” It is about learning to actually be patient.

I can’t just let that comment sit there, uncontested. As if attachment parents are all pretending to be something they are not, in order to promote some sort of image of perfect parenting. Or that pretending to be sensitive is appropriate, at all.

And much of this does not sound respectful to me, of anyone. Not the children, and not the writer of the article herself.

I didn’t (and still don’t) find attachment parenting to be a sacrifice.
Difficult, at times, but I didn’t just suffer through it. It works much better to find solutions to difficulties, rather than grinning and bearing it, and being resentful. That resentment builds up, and shows- and your kids will know it, eventually.

My point is this: it may be difficult, especially at the beginning, or if you have little support. If it is, you may need to make some changes. Not to be less attached, but to fine tune what you are doing so that it works better. You do NOT have to suffer and sacrifice for years. Really.

Perhaps some of this was intended to be light and humorous- but I did not find it to be so. Perhaps it was intended to connect with an audience who finds attachment parenting to be difficult, even painful- but it also encourages the belief that it is normal, and okay, for it to be that way, rather than to find ways that are not painful or uncomfortable.

I did not have to wait until after ” thousands of hours and hours of effort ” to find the rewards. The rewards have been there all along.

Please, if you are just starting out and finding it to be a sacrifice, talk to more experienced attachment parents, and look for ways to be truly happy and content with your choice. It may require a paradigm shift, so that you are not fighting against the dominant culture, or your own background, but are enjoying the choices you are making, and are comfortable and confident with them.

By: Paige

Paige — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 14:11:21 +0000

I think the message here is a bit more dogmatic than it needs to be. You paint a pretty black and white picture, don’t you think? Like it’s either total martyrdom attachment parenting or else “mainstream” and “apathetic” parenting. I guess this is fine if you’re just preaching to the choir. I homebirthed, nursed (for a long time!), carried, etc. both my kids. I’ve never spanked them. But I have no problem putting them in time out if I think it’s necessary, or pulling rank on them. I don’t think this makes me lazy, authoritarian, or “disrespectful”. Also, I loved my stroller! My boys were big and I am small and when the sling started hurting my back I got them cozy in the stroller so we could have adventures that didn’t leave me needing a chiropractor at the end. I don’t think there was anything “apathetic” about that decision. Also…I used a pacifier with my second kid. It made both of us significantly happier, even if it goes against the tenets of attachment parenting. It gave my nipples a break, him some comfort, and the two of us a much more peaceful nursing relationship than I had had the first time around. Not trying to rag on this article…I just found it slightly self righteous.

By: How to Breastfeed : Breastfed Baby Health & Nutrition | Health Source

How to Breastfeed : Breastfed Baby Health & Nutrition | Health Source — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 02:00:14 +0000

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By: Katie

Katie — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 22:04:06 +0000

Thank you so much for this. My husband and I are in our early twenties and have a 6 month old son. I have thought on so many occasions, usually when I’m kicked in the head in the middle of the night, “is this really worth it?” I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who has wondered, and I really appreciate knowing that it will pay off. There is certainly a lot of pressure to bow to the norms, especially from well meaning family members, but your writing encourages me to keep sleeping, wearing, responding, etc in the way that feels best – the attached way.

By: Desiree Fawn

Desiree Fawn — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 22:02:27 +0000

Thank you for sharing!
Sometimes I just need to read/hear that what I’m experiencing with AP happens to others as well — I know it’s right for my babe, but yes, it can be a rougher trail to walk!
Merci!