Comments on: The End Of Fertility

By: Maria

Maria — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 01:32:39 +0000

I am going through some of the same questions as you, except we only have 1 child. We are older parents (38 & 45) and just don’t have the energy or money to do a second one. We both work full time and are fortunate to have found a small, nurturing day care only 5 minutes walk from my office. But we can’t afford day care for two children, and I don’t think I can manage the struggles of a newborn and infant again. In a way, I would like another one so they can play together. But the practical realities overwhelm the slight desire for a second.

By: rachel

rachel — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 17:18:35 +0000

Sounds hard. i’m looking forward to having as many kids as God blesses us with (through birth, adoption, fostering), and I really hope that I won’t know when I get to the last one–I don’t think i’d handle it well at all

By: Kayris

Kayris — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 16:20:20 +0000

I also posted this piece on my personal site and received mostly comments along the lines of, “It’s the same here and it’s always hard to face having the last one.” It’s hard if it’s your second and it’s hard if it’s your fifteenth. Like someone else said, there always has to be a last baby and it’s bittersweet.

The possibility of one of my children dying NEVER factored into our decision to stop at 2. We know a family that had three kids and two of them were killed together in the same car accident. Losing a sibling is difficult no matter how many others you have at home. And another sibling may not be a comfort. I know plenty of siblings who can’t stand each other. And what if my husband died, leaving me with three young children to care for instead of two?

After our first was born, we knew right away that we wanted more. After the second was born, we didn’t have the same sort of feeling. Our family feels complete with two. If we had a surprise third, it would be wonderful, as babies are always a blessing, but we don’t feel that feeling a little sad because the older one is going to be 5 soon is enough of a reason to add a third when we’re happy with two. After all, I did have PPD after both, and it was bad enough the second time that I probably should have been hospitalized. I know it’s not guaranteed to return if we had a third, but what if it did? I already feel like I missed out on my daughter’s first year as a result of my illness and perhaps it’s selfish of me, but I don’t want to get that ill again. The whole family suffered.

Perhaps I wasn’t clear–I’m not aching to have another baby and not doing it because of money or other reasons. We’re happy with two and sometimes wonderm “What if?”

By: Kelley

Kelley — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 15:51:06 +0000

I’m very surprised by some of the comments here. It doesn’t seem to be constructive, to me, to say things like, “What if one of your children died?” While some families work really well with five or six kids, some families work well with one or two. Part of responsible parenting is thinking long and hard about which category your family falls into, and acting accordingly.

We all know that deciding that you are done having children is a bittersweet time, and I think that is what could have been discussed here – not telling the author that she’ll always regret her choice.

By: Amber

Amber — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 20:03:58 +0000

I also have two children, a boy and a girl. My 2nd is only 11 months old.

But already the baby days are slipping away so quickly. And I’m not sure that I’m ready for them to be over.

It’s so hard. My mother-in-law told me that there always has to be a last baby. Some days I just wish that weren’t the case.

But then, of course, there are the days when I can’t imagine adding to the insanity. There are just no easy answers.

By: Vanessa

Vanessa — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 19:51:56 +0000

My sister is in a similar boat. Two boys, the family feels complete, yet she is grappling with the what-ifs. And now that I’m expecting my #3, I know she is really struggling emotionally. I made the suggestion to her that maybe she could try an experiment and leave it up to fate. They could put away the contraception for 3 months and see what happens. There are no guarantees. We have fertility problems and history of miscarriage in our family, so maybe she’ll get pregnant, maybe she won’t. Then she’ll know, and can move on, knowing that they gave it one last chance and it wasn’t meant to be. Or just maybe they’ll finally get that girl she’s hoped for!

I realized recently that my fertility is a gift. I know that once menopause hits, that’s it, it’s gone. I may look back on my life and wished we could have tried for one more. But, I will never look back on my life and say, “I wish we’d never had that last one!”

By: carrie

carrie — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 19:27:37 +0000

Can I tell my story? When my then-youngest (of 3 children) was nearly 2 and I was nearly 37,I became pregnant. I was thrilled! I had a boy and 2 girls already but it felt right to have another. Sadly, I miscarried at 13 weeks. Soon I was pregnant again. This time, I had a ruptured tubal pregnancy at 7 weeks that took away one of my fallopian tubes and left me facing the end of my fertility. My doctor warned me not to get pregnant for at least 6 months, assuming I even could, because my risk of another tubal pregnancy was high. I guess I wasn’t quite ready for the end of my fertility, though. Again I got pregnant, after the requisite waiting period. At 7 weeks, I had an ultrasound to make sure the baby was where it was supposed to be. He was, beating heart and all! Still, 2 weeks later, I miscarried.
In short, within a year I had lost 3 pregnancies, and I was now 38. I saw the handwriting on the wall and at the next attic cleaning, got rid of all my baby gear and maternity clothes. I should interject here that my husband and I have always practiced Natural Family Planning, a very organic, holistic and effective way to understand and monitor one’s fertility. (In fact, I credit NFP with saving my life–the diagnosis of a tubal pregnancy when it was diagnosed, just barely in time to remove the rupturing tube before it became life-threatening, hinged on knowing exactly when I had become pregnant. ) Be that as it may, it’s important to understand that while I “accepted” that my baby-bearing days were likely over, I did nothing aggressively to ensure it was a “done deal,” like becoming sterilized or having my husband do so. At some point, we did stop carefully monitoring my fertility, though. Lo and behold, just after my 39th birthday, I discovered I was pregnant again! We welcomed our fourth child into the world just before I turned 40. By the time he was around 3, I once again “faced facts.” I was 43, and figured my diminished fertility made it highly likely that at that age, I would be having no more children. Again, I gave away all my baby gear and maternity clothes. I did monitor my fertility, but I’ll admit my husband and I were pretty careless, and often put desire for intimacy ahead of desire not to have more children! Lo and behold, at age 45, I became pregnant again. Our beautiful 5th child was born 8 years ago this month. He is the joy of our lives. The most interesting thing I recall from when I announced this pregnancy to friends, was the reaction of 90% of them, who declared wistfully, “Oh! You’re so lucky! I so wish I hadn’t closed the door on children when I did!” I had expected people to chastise me or express horror, but instead, these older moms like myself yearned for one more chance to have a baby. Most had chosen sterilization so that door was closed. Most made that decision while in the midst of raising 1 or 2 or maybe 3 busy toddlers/preschoolers–a horrible time to make so permanent a choice! So, in summary, the purpose of telling my little story is to urge you to look at this “decision” as one that might be changed at some point in your future. You really don’t have to make a permanent decision right now. If it makes you and your husband feel more confident about your situation, resolve to postpone indefinitely another pregnancy, but I heartily recommend doing so in a non-permanent way. I hope you won’t mind that I told my story. Of course everyone’s situation is different; I just wanted to bring another perspective to the discussion. Oh, and p.s., I really am “done” now. Mother Nature did the job: I just celebrated my first full year since my last menstrual period, officially heralding the onset of menopause. At age 53, I joyfully welcome the next stage of life and am grateful that things have worked out the way they have!

By: Kelley

Kelley — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 19:00:42 +0000

I’m in a similar boat. Because of our experience in a NICU and with preeclampsia, at the moment future pregnancy is absolutely out of the question. Even if they develop a miracle cure for pre-e during the time that I’m physically fertile, there’s still other considerations. For our family, concern for the environment factors in, along with the fact that my husband and I will never make a lot of money since we chose careers in the theatre.

It can be hard when friends and relatives with babies are blithely talking about having another one as a certainty. Certainly, I feel jealous at times, and want that for myself. What’s nice for me to remember is that while babyhood is absolutely special, so is toddlerhood, and teenagerhood, and adulthood – that at every stage, my son and I will get to enjoy a new exploration of the connection that we’re forging now.

I’m also excited to get to do plays with my husband again someday. I’m excited to become a certified lactation consultant, to teach yoga, to achieve my doctorate. While I’m not in any rush to do these things, it’ll be a lot of fun to get to explore my other interests again (when Sweet Pea and I are both ready, of course!).

By: Tamara Morales

Tamara Morales — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 17:34:02 +0000

My husband says misery loves company LOL! We are also done after two little ones and sometimes I am a bit sad, but then the temper tantrums start and I am smacked back into reality. Happy with our two munchkins and finally complete.

By: Annie @ PhD in Parenting

Annie @ PhD in Parenting — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 17:15:53 +0000

Thanks for this post. It is nice to read what others are thinking on this topic. We have 2 kids and think we are done, but we’re not 100% sure. There are so many pros and cons on both sides. Sigh…